


fresh and innocent or is she?

by claremac



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019), Sanditon - Jane Austen
Genre: Anger, Conflict, Confusion, Desire, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Gen, Happy Ending, Internal Conflict, Pride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-02-18 11:03:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 108,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21560128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/claremac/pseuds/claremac
Summary: why is Sidney so angry with Charlotte almost from the very start?COMPLETED
Relationships: Charlotte Heywood & Sidney Parker, Charlotte Heywood/James Stringer, Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker, Eliza Campion/Sidney Parker
Comments: 390
Kudos: 651





	1. first impressions

Sidney found the cliff views on the approach to Sanditon a mixture of comforting familiarity but more recently associated with anxiety and stress. The later caused mostly by his brother Tom and his grand schemes for the once peaceful seaside village. Of course Sidney had invested in Tom's plans, how could he not, when he owed Tom and Mary so much from the past ten years.   
The upcoming ball was another such favour as requested by Tom. He insisted on Sidney's attendance but that alone wasn't enough, he had to get his rich friends involved in something that could very well be a disaster. At least Babbington and Crowe were fairly relaxed about such things, they were happy with entertainment of all sorts.   
Sidney took a deep breath of the sea air that he had grown up with and found some comfort in the familiar scents and sounds. He often missed their old family homestead that he had passed further back on the road into Sanditon. His late father and mother would've been dismayed with how Tom was behaving when it came to his young family. Mary was exasperated with Tom when Sidney last visited and in her letters he could tell she was increasingly worried. So much of what he agreed to do for Tom was in reality for Mary's sake. Sidney had decided to get a moment with Tom on this trip and talk to him about slowing down on his grand schemes and to take time to consider his wife and children.   
Sidney took another deep breath as he could see Sanditon in the distance. Almost there and he anticipated the other problem he was going to have to deal with. His ward, Miss Lambe. If all his plans had been followed she would be settled in her lodgings by now with Mrs Griffiths and the silly Misses Beaumont. Thankfully, he had thought of Sanditon as an alternative location for Georgiana when he had discovered her association with that scoundrel Molyneaux. She might have loudly objected when he had announced his plans and she had loud objections down to a fine art, but he was immune to her hot temper by now. In reality he wanted her out of his hair and out of London. She was an obligation he never wanted but owed to her father. Sidney could never understand why Admiral Lambe thought he was an appropriate guardian for his one and only child. Their years of acquaintance in Antigua was amicable but he never thought he was held in such high regard by the gentleman until he was dead and gone and his will revealed the enormous burden that was Georgiana. They had only been back in England a few months and already the years ahead before she came of age were unbearable to Sidney. Her wanton behaviour was bad enough but trying to protect her from unscrupulous gold diggers was proving to be stomach wrenching. He was convinced he was getting a stomach ulcer, but Babbington and Crowe but put those pains down to too much whiskey or rum.   
Maybe some relaxing time with family and friends, along with some sea bathing would sort him out. The London scene was not what it used to be, but then again he was much older than when he had last enjoyed the entertainment of the ton. His life experiences since then had changed him and his attitudes to so many things. Recently he had become frustrated with the silliness and shallowness that surrounded him in London, even among his old acquaintances, he was increasingly becoming angry and irate. The odd bout of boxing helped relieve some of that anger but it couldn't go on, something had to change, but he didn't know what. Hopefully a few days in Sanditon would clear his mind and show him a way forward, some way to regain some balance in a society that had changed so much that it no longer suited him or else find a new society that suited him better, he currently knew not which.   
He thought back to London society when he had last enjoyed it, when Eliza was his ideal, before she ripped his heart out and put him on a path of self destruction that was nearly the end of him. How immature he was, to think that her opinion was the be all and end all. They really had been too young to have been considering marriage. He could see that now, especially as he was all too aware of the hazards of such an event for Georgiana, who had riches to help her along, while he and Eliza had so little, ten years ago. What fools they were.   
Now he was older, wiser, richer and much less tolerant of silly girls who only seemed intent on nabbing a rich husband by all sorts of allurements and tricks. The past few months had opened his eyes to the desperate lengths some girls, and girls were all they were, and their mothers, would go to get his attention and try to tempt him. Little did they know that all the fawning, fanning, fluttering and giggling had the opposite impact, than the desired one, on Sidney Parker. He was desperate for sensible conversation and straight forward honesty. The feathers, powders and paints, all made them look the same, they all blended into the one super fashionable mould with nothing to distinguish them or catch his attention. He was tired of them all. Maybe he was destined to remain an old crusty bachelor who just doted on his nieces and nephews. Actually that wasn't too bad an idea Sidney thought and smiled.   
He was coming closer to the village when he spotted two ladies walking along the road towards him. On closer inspection it looked like Mary and someone he didn't recognise. He was happy to see Mary, he was always happy to see her. He stopped the carriage and alighted quickly to greet her. "Mary, well met" he said, " new maid?" The stranger looked at him slightly surprised. Her big brown eyes reflecting her confusion. Obviously not a maid then, who could she be? Mary's relatives were all known to him and he had never met this young woman before, he would've remembered. She struck him as somehow different from the normal young ladies, her hair was loose and not primped and prodded into some ridiculous fashion that took hours to achieve. She had a freshness to her that he couldn't put his finger on but no doubt she was as silly and giggly as all the rest of her sex.   
"Sidney, this is Miss Charlotte Haywood. Our guest at Trafalgar house." Mary clarified.   
"Miss eh?????" Sidney asked. Why could he not remember something that was told to him not five seconds previously? Was he losing his mind? What had distracted him? Her freckles? Her lips? Those eyes?   
"Heywood" she said. He was even surprised by her tone of voice. Not a giggle to be heard. She was a novelty of sorts this Miss Heywood. Sidney had to glance away to process all this new information. He hadn't thought there were young ladies left who didn't automatically burst into giggles when he spoke to them. The Misses Beaumont were perfect examples and it wasn't just with him, they seemed to behave like that around all men.   
Mary and he had a brief conversation about Tom and the blasted ball before he felt the need to move on. He was most unsettled by this revelation of sorts.   
"Off to lady d's? Then I won't keep you. Miss Heywood" he made his farewells and returned to his carriage. "until later" he shouted, but he thought this was going to be very interesting and later he would get another chance to observe Miss Heywood much more closely and see if she was as unique as he thought or more likely, was as silly as all young females. 

Sidney had a tough time, as usual, getting Crowe out of the hotel and to the assembly rooms. The man was a nightmare to accompany, unless there was alcohol to imbibe. At last they made it to the ball. Sidney was already prepared for his brother to pounce on them as soon as they arrived, no doubt because they weren't there early enough, or there should've been more rich and influential members from London society. Tom was rarely truly appreciative of what he did for him. Tom really had no idea how hard Sidney had worked to convince these two to come to a small seaside village, that no one had heard of, that had little or no entertainment in comparison to London. Only they were good friends and he was footing their bill, they wouldn't be here at all. Tom never thought of those sorts of things. He expected Sidney to be able to snap his fingers and all sorts of the high and mighty of London would come running. Sidney had no idea where Tom got these notions from, but he knew he was partly to blame as he always did try to satisfy his brother.   
As they entered the ballroom Sidney had to admit it, it all looked well and there was a decent crowd with some reasonable fashion on display. At least it wasn't going to be a total embarrassment. As predicted Tom pounced on them as soon as he saw them.   
"Sidney there you are. Well met, well met. Make yourselves known to these ladies."   
Sidney turned to where Tom indicated and saw her, naturally she would be the first who caught his eye. Miss Heywood. He had to admit she appeared much different in this environment than on the cliff side yesterday, yet she stood out amongst the other two ladies on either side of her. Miss Brereton and Miss Denham. Sidney had met these ladies before and found one to be cold and the other so saccharine sweet that she was sickening. He had little or no time for either of them, and his face probably reflected that. He made the introductions to his friends and cringed as his voice changed on Miss Heywood's name. If Babbington or Crowe detected an interest on his behalf they would be insufferable, they were already haranguing him about his lack of interest in women. Even visits to certain boarding houses no longer had any interest for him.   
Crowe of course tried to be flirty and witty with the ladies but was swiftly dealt with by Miss Denham, which surprisingly amused Babbington. Of course dancing was the purpose of their attendance so Sidney prepared himself for either Crowe or Babbington to request Miss Heywood to dance, as she was obviously the most attractive of the three. He turned away to hide his emotions from his friends and feigned disinterest. As Babbington reached for Miss Denham he was stunned, was the man insane? Why would he pick that iceberg over someone who was so blatantly delighted to be there and would be a delight to dance with? As Sidney watched them take to the floor he thought he was going to have to dance with Miss Brereton, as Crowe was a fool but he wasn't a blind drunk fool yet. As Crowe took Miss Brereton's hand he was stunned. Were his friends idiots? That left just him and Miss Heywood, facing each other. She looked somewhat embarrassed but he was intrigued. He glanced at her properly for the first time that night. Her hair was pinned up with a feather adornment, how predictable. Her dress was of a slightly dated fashion but her figure was not the slim norm of London and was displayed most attractively. It was hard to miss her figure in that dress. He hoped he wouldn't reveal too much of his interest until he knew more about her, his opinion was still undecided, the giggles and talk of inconsequence could emerge at any moment. As they took their positions Sidney felt a slight hitch to his breathing, this felt quite good, natural almost. As they began to dance he had to admit they seemed to move smoothly together, not that that was unusual with young ladies of today. However, there was no overpowering perfume from her, he could actually breathe, there was a light fresh scent of lemons or some such fragrance. As she started to speak she began with a compliment, ah well he thought, how disappointing, the usual techniques to attract and beguile were already being used. He was well used to deflecting these arts. To many people he came across as cold and stern but he wasn't in the habit of giving encouragement to young ladies where there was never going to be a development in any anticipated romance.   
She proceeded to query if he cared about the advancement of Sanditon. That made him pause, a most unusual yet insightful question. Interesting. He was pondering the fact further when he was distracted by the announcement of Mrs Griffiths and her charges.   
Sidney made his way over to welcome Georgiana and unsurprisingly she was still angry with him. He was really getting weary of her behaviour but he was at a loss as to what he could do to fix things. Her safety was his priority, not necessarily her happiness.   
As the dancing continued he couldn't help but notice Miss Heywood dancing with Edward Denham. Sidney hoped that Tom, or at least Mary, had warned her off that particular questionable gentleman. The man was dangerous to any young lady, with or without a fortune. He had given strict instructions to Mrs Griffiths about him. He was a fine fellow if you wanted to have a laugh, a swim in the ocean or a few sherries but around women he had seen him in action too many times.   
Sidney was getting weary of the whole thing, especially with Georgiana scowling at him every time they made eye contact, so he made an escape to a balcony to wait out the rest of the ball or until Crowe and Babbington had had enough. He was starting to relax when Miss Heywood joined him. He could have left her alone and excused himself but he was still curious and a little hopeful. Here was another chance to find out was she as shallow as all the rest or as unique as she seemed. She seemed to be glowing with good spirit and just happy to be there. There were no side eye glances or simpering behind her hand as she spoke to him. But maybe that was just her country ways, for he had learned a little more about her from Tom. Sidney asked what she was thinking about and expected some inane comment about the fashion or music, that was not her response.   
"I was thinking.... how hard it is to make people out"   
'Aha 'thought Sidney, 'another attempt to force her attentions upon me, ok let her try her best, let's see what she can compliment you with Sidney....anything you haven't heard before?'  
"People in general " she continued to talk about general observations and not him at all. He was confused, not at all what he was used to. Was this young lady not also on the hunt for a rich husband?   
"And what have you observed about me?" Sidney asked. He gave her another doorway into the usual compliments and flattery. He didn't think he had totally misjudged her. It would come out yet. He even gave one of his rare smiles to see if that could do its usual trick.   
"I think you must be the sensible brother of the three" she replied.   
Sidney had to laugh, he was right again. Part of him was disappointed but not unsurprised. Here comes the flirtation.   
As she continued Sidney struggled to believe what he was hearing. These were not the compliments he was expecting, far from it. She was criticising his family to his face. The fact that she was accurate and he had asked her for her opinion, escaped him as his rage increased along with his shock and embarrassment.   
Sidney reacted the only way he knew how. He went on the attack to defend his family. He knew it was working as he verbally slated her and her face reacted to every verbal punch as if it was a physical one. All his frustrations and anger seeped out of him and he laid them all upon her shoulders as if she was responsible for the years of hurt and disappointment he had suffered. He then found himself actually defending Tom and his actions, when he himself knew there were issues to be dealt with. Sidney had really got up a rage when it registered with him that he had gone too far and there were tears in her eyes. He knew he had to sort this out or Tom was going to have yet another reason to bug him. He apologised. But still he couldn't help adding out loud his own mental reservation, that she was a young girl with no experience or understanding. As he left the balcony he thought that while she is young and inexperienced, he was the tired and jaded old man who should've behaved better. He was ashamed of himself. Sidney realised he really needed to get a grip of his emotions. Maybe they had been buried away too long or was anger all he had left inside of him?


	2. A bomb or a pineapple?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some of episode 2

Sidney was still regretting his actions the next morning after the ball. He had gone to toms house with half a notion to try and apologise again to Miss Heywood but thankfully she wasn't there which resolved that dilemma for him. He still had the problem of his anger to deal with? How was he ever going to get some peace in his life if he over reacted to the opinions of a little nobody from the country like Miss Heywood? 

As it was a Sunday morning the rest of the Parker family headed to church service yet he had the duty to keep Crowe and Babbington entertained. That was going to be a tough task but as neither had appeared from their rooms yet he was content to let them be. 

The next day Sidney was giving his guests a guided tour of the current building works when he saw his brother Tom and his foreman on top of a scaffolding. He was trying his best to highlight the quality of the planned accommodation should they wish to invest or take lodgings and they were planning on returning to London that very day. But his attention was totally side-tracked when he noticed Miss Heywood on the scaffolding with Tom and Young Stringer. What a bizarre position to find a young lady in. From the look on Young Stringer's face it was a most welcome position. The young man was positively drooling. He tried to not be noticed by Tom but alas he was spied. As expected Tom applied pressure on him to make his group stay on longer and even attend Lady Denham's ridiculous pineapple tasting party. Sidney had enough pineapples in Antigua over the years to not find any novelty in the fruit and he certainly would not choose to spend time with that old bat who was extremely rude but got away with it due to her rank and money. Tom even tried using Georgiana as a bargaining chip to make him stay, little did he realise that she was one of the main reasons he was itching to get away from Sanditon?

As always when it came to Tom his levels of persistence and that 'hang dog' look of desperation always did the trick on Sidney and he agreed to stay. As he walked away he was struggling with how to convince his two friends to stay a further couple of days. He was going to have entertain them with something, be it wine, women and song and perhaps some betting of sorts. Sidney could feel the need for a bout of boxing coming on. 

" Mr Parker, may I have a word?" It was Miss Heywood trailing after him. What could she want now? he thought, surely she had enough at the ball to not come seeking his attention again? Was she trying to win him as a rich husband? She would be far better off continuing to flirt with Young Stringer as she had been, but then he was lucky enough not to be a rich target, like himself. 

Sidney stopped to at least pretend to give her a hearing. She went on to apologise and flatter him and his brother, he couldn't help but smirk. She was concerned about what he thought of her! She really was too much, the transparency of that pretty speech was pathetic. Sidney was tired of fending off the desperate plots of mercenary young women, it was bad in London but he never expected it to be so blatant in Sanditon from a country miss, no less. 

"I don't think of you at all Miss Heywood. I have no interest in your approval or disapproval, quite simply I don't care what you think or how you feel. I'm sorry if that disappoints you but there it is" he was quite proud when he finished and thought he had been clear and to the point. Let her realise he was not going to be hunted down into matrimony and it was time for her to move on to someone else so he could be in peace. 

She looked quite stunned by his speech and he thought that it was probably the first time a man was immune to her charms and had not flirted and fawned all over her and her freckles, understated beauty and fine figure. When she turned her eyes back to him he could see the tears brimming up but then she straightened herself and looked him straight in the eye. He expected her to bow and run away but what came next caught his breath. 

"Only if you really don't care, I wonder that you take the trouble to be quite so offensive and hurtful? Good day" 

Sidney was speechless and that was a rarity. 'Offensive' really ? Hurtful, yeah he thought maybe he had overdid it a bit but,...... but, he wanted her away from him, away from his thoughts and she was even in his dream last night. He wanted her gone and the less said about the dream the better. All he was willing to admit to was it involved Miss Heywood and a bathing machine. 

He felt quite chastised even when his intention was to put an end to her pursuit of him and his temper started to rise again. First Tom strong-arming him to change his plans and then this Miss Nobody coming at him like a disgruntled wife. WIFE! Why did he choose that particular image? Sidney was desperate for some physical release of this insanity and rage....he needed to hit something or someone. 

How had he ended up with this nightmare of a girl screeching at him? Sidney was already aching from a couple of unseen punches when he had been distracted during a little pugilistic exercise but now his head ached with the unreasonable behaviour of Miss Lambe. Why were young women so unreasonable? Was it only a few days ago when he bemoaned the fact that all women seemed to be merging into one bland and simpering mass? And over the past two days he had been shouted at by two different ladies, both of which seem to have picked him as a verbal punch bag when all he was trying to do, for both of them, was keep them from their own silly mistakes. He dreamt of being in London, away from Sanditon where the women seemed to be out of their senses. 

Georgiana was becoming even more irrational as she continued to object to Lady Denham's invitation. Sidney was at a loss to explain to her how it was an honour in her name and she had merely to attend and cooperate, not a massive burden in his book, compared to some things that he had endured over the years. 

As Sidney stood in the drawing room at Lady Denham's party he noticed Miss Heywood enter with Tom and Mary. She kept well away from him and sent him a chilly glance that satisfied part of him, but then again there was a part that was still on edge and felt as if he had damaged something between them. Mary, Tom and the children had such a high opinion of her so she couldn't be all that bad? Maybe she would change her husband hunting towards Crowe or Babbington? As that thought crossed Sidney's mind it didn't sit well, but the reason for that unease was unexplainable. Maybe he had a cracked rib or two and that might account for those pains?   
He had to admit she was looking especially well and he noticed Crowe tracking her amongst the rest of the assembled group. At last Miss Lambe and her companions arrived and straight away Sidney was on edge as Georgiana was liable to do anything in her current mood. As they made their way in to be seated, he found himself seated between Miss Brereton and Miss Heywood, but at least his ward was close enough to keep under control, he hoped. As everyone settled down to eat, Sidney felt the need to try and calm the mood between Miss Heywood and himself, especially if she was going to remain in his brother's home for the summer and she was easier to deal with than Clara Brereton who he didn't trust at all. He attempted to engage her in conversation as he dished out some soup to her and he thought her 'hobby' of observing others would be a good neutral topic to begin with. 

"Well Miss Heywood, any observations on the assembled company?"

"As you have no interest in my opinion I shan't trouble you with it Mr Parker"

The fire in her eyes as she delivered her response made Sidney gulp but he really did want to make some amends and a little discussion was going to be necessary if he was going to survive this god awful party. He tried again and even allowed a small smile to appear to encourage her. He was trying so hard and was conscious of Crowe on her other side hearing it all no doubt. 

"Not for the world. I've endured two tongue lashings from you and I won't court a third. Save your unpleasantness for someone else, or better still, why not try to be civil?" 

She finished off her rebuke and turned her back on him. He felt like throwing his arms into the air in exasperation. He had been his most gentlemanly and apologetic and it got him nowhere. The bachelor life was definitely more appealing if women were this confusing. 

She was really something when her temper was up and Sidney thought it suited her. She definitely wasn't giggling now. She was clear as glass in her opinion of him. 'Uncivilised' and 'unpleasant' were added to the labels from their encounter at the building site. Sidney was able to recount all her accusations with utmost clarity, and that was unsettling in itself. He could also see her clearly in his minds eye smiling up into the face of Young Stringer and he couldn't explain that either. Now as she gave all her attention to Crowe he felt a burning in his chest to match that reflected on his cheeks. What passion. He wondered how she would've reacted if it was just the two of them in the room and she didn't have to keep her voice to a low level, would she have shouted? Thrown something? Slapped him? Would her passion have run away from her? Sidney found himself imaging her in full flight and was rather excited by the prospect and couldn't help get a little more than excited by the potential passion bomb seated beside him. 

Sidney's thoughts were interrupted by Lady Denham putting Georgiana on the spot regarding matrimony. He had already noticed the machinations that had been put in place to seat Edward beside Georgiana and he was on alert. Thankfully, he already knew Edward held no appeal to Georgiana but he wasn't going to enlighten him in that matter, in fact nobody needed to know what had went on in London. But he didn't trust Edward not to try to dishonour a young lady, as there was already plenty of gossip surrounding him. 

Lady Denham really was so very rude, firstly bringing up Georgiana's inheritance and then to announce to the group her mother was a slave, Sidney was appalled and waited for his ward to explode in reaction, as she often did with him. He held his breath to see what would happen next and hopefully defuse the situation, if needed, and he did not need to see his brother Tom's face to know that he was anxious for this whole affair to go well. 

He released a breath as Georgiana calmly dealt with the insult. He even caught sight of a slight smile from Miss Heywood at her response. But his relief was short lived as Lady Denham turned her attention to Miss Heywood who for some reason made eye contact with him before she answered the question. As she defended and agreed with his ward's response he felt a sort of warmth towards her and could see it meant a lot to Georgiana. As she tried to involve him in the discussion he was able to dodge it and gave no definite opinion, as he had many years of experience dealing with questions regarding matrimony or rather avoiding answering such questions. It was dangerous territory for a single man in possession of a fortune. 

"And you miss, are you still keeping up the pretence that you are not in Sanditon in search of a wealthy man to marry and to keep you?" Asked Lady Denham

Sidney definitely wanted to hear the answer to this, it was what he believed to be true, so had she denied it to Lady D? 

As Miss Heywood laughed at Lady D in her reply, Sidney felt himself tense,

"I have no thoughts of marriage at all, and if I were to choose a husband, wealth would not come into it,"

"Poppycock" responded Lady Denham and Sidney thought the same. What young lady did not have her mind filled with thoughts of matrimony from she came of age? That was what he had found to be the case. 

"Should not a good marriage be based on mutual love and affection? Without equality of affection, marriage can become a kind of slavery." 

Sidney wasn't surprised that she denied she was husband hunting, what young lady would admit to it? He thought her notion of marriage was definitely appealing but it really was that of a young girl who read too many novels. Real life was not like that and real marriages weren't like that either. In his experience, marriage was often only happy by accident, when a wife was there to support and not challenge, and money was a most vital cog in the whole machine. 

As Lady Denham increased her 'encouragement' for Edward to become engaged to his ward, it was becoming embarrassingly blatant and Sidney thought things couldn't get any worse, until Arthur gave in to the temptation of the pineapple and that was when that pineapple might as well have been a bomb as Lady Denham's explosive reaction brought the whole thing to a thankful end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sea bathing bit comes next


	3. bracing swim

Sidney's good humour was still somewhat restored the next day as he was enjoying some cards in the hotel with Crowe and Babbington. The music was lively and luck seemed to be on his side. The images of Arthur hacking into the rotten pineapple still made him chuckle. The disgusted and outraged reaction of that old snob lady Denham was hard to forget and Sidney thought the disaster was just what she deserved for her insulting behaviour to Georgiana. Crowe was putting the pressure on Babbington and his romantic intentions towards Miss Denham with plenty of sly questions and impertinent comments which Sidney was finding most entertaining until Crowe referred to Miss Heywood's spunkiness. He clenched his jaw at the comment as he wondered if Crowe was trying to reveal something of what he had heard transpire between him and the young lady yesterday. He was about to put him right when Crowe continued and suggested Miss Lambe as a potential bedfellow for himself. That pushed the wrong button and Sidney could remain quiet no longer. The mental picture of Crowe with either of them made him see red. Sidney never stopped to wonder why Miss Heywood's reputation meant anything to him and he hoped his friends would think it was just Miss Lambe that he was warning Crowe away from, but in truth it was Crowe and Miss Heywood that enraged him the most. At the luncheon she had turned her back on Sidney and gave her attention and smiles to Crowe and it didn't suit Sidney. Last night he had yet another dream that had Miss Heywood in a starring role. 

The previous dream had her in a bathing machine with only Sidney to assist her. He was the only other occupant of the beach as she entered the single bathing machine and she waved to him as she climbed the steps into the machine and he could remember he returned her wave. In the next memory he was in the machine helping her change into a swimming costume. An activity that he had never even thought of, never mind actually observed, but the minute details were enough to make him sweat and his pulse race. He could see the beauty spot on her neck, the curls falling forward as she bent over to remove her stockings. The profile of her ear and chin as she looked over her shoulder at him as he undid the laces of her stays. He could even remember the sensation of holding her hand, as she tried to keep her balance as she removed another item of clothing. As far as Sidney could remember he had never touched Miss Heywood, so where these sensations came from, he couldn't explain. It was when she was naked and went to turn around to face him that he came wake with an almighty groan. That image or rather the incomplete image had stayed with him for days. Last night the dream had returned but this time she was in her swimming costume and she was assisting him to undress for a swim. He held her dark eyes as she unbuttoned his waistcoat and ran her hands up his chest towards his neckcloth. The touch of her fingers next his bare neck made him swallow and get his heart racing. She allowed her eyes to follow her hands as she moved them towards the fall of his trousers and she then glanced up and opened her mouth so that her breath was fanning his chin,  
"Mr Parker am I behaving in a civil manner? Are you enjoying my attentions, would I not be a good wife to you Mr Parker? Is there anything else you would like Mr Parker? Show me what you like, Sidney?"   
Sidney could remember the thoughts that flooded his mind and how in the dream he reached up to catch her hands and bring them to his mouth for a kiss before he brought them towards his crotch. It was at this point that the dream had ended but her look straight into his eyes, with such passion, was one he had seen before and was still etched in his memory this morning. 

It wasn't too long before Tom Parker arrived at the hotel and asked for some private time with Sidney. Just when Crowe and Babbington were enjoying themselves and were finding some reasons to think positively about Sanditon, Sidney had got them just where he wanted them when naturally Tom came blustering in with some imagined emergency, and as usual expected Sidney to solve the matter. It was really tiresome but no matter how many times Sidney tried to reason with Tom he always ended the conversation more frustrated than when he started. Tom really was living in his own make believe world and had no awareness of those who were around him. It was all about him and his success, and Sidney noted there wasn't much thought given to anyone else, even his wife and children. Had he no idea of how truly blessed he was? After some emotional blackmail and snide insults Tom left the hotel and Sidney was fit to kill. The man was getting worse. Sidney took his leave of the group in the hotel in favour of some fresh air and thought a bracing swim would be a good idea as it always cleared his mind and lowered his temper. He headed towards a secluded part of the beach where he had bathed privately for many years. It was a small cove close to some his favourite parts of the cliffs. The idea of bathing with the rest of the crowds at the main beach held no appeal and he still had a strange feeling after it had featured in his dreams about Miss Heywood. 

Sidney had just decided to finish his swim and stood up to return to shore when he noticed a young lady standing beside his pile of clothes. She spun away from him and turned her back as she noticed him in the water. He instantly recognised that back, that mop of curly untamed hair and cheerful bonnet. Miss Heywood.   
Was this another dream he thought? The coldness of the water made him realise it was very much real life. He was naked in front of a young unmarried lady, and for some reason it didn't even phase him. The thought that she had followed him there to create a compromising situation and entrap him crossed his mind. But he quickly dismissed it as he remembered her rebuke of him at the luncheon yesterday. He felt he was no longer on her desirable husband list. However, He felt a certain pride as he stood there and part of him secretly hoped she would turn around and look right at him. He didn't like being ignored by Miss Heywood and had realised he preferred fighting and butting heads with her far too much for his liking. He took enjoyment in verbally pushing at her and seeing her reaction, that flare of passion and anger that seemed to be so close to the surface when they clashed.   
"Miss Heywood am I never to get away from you?"  
He automatically pushed her temper with the suggestion she was always after him.   
"Mr Parker I assure you, you are the last person I wish to see"  
The distress in her voice made him pause and realise that this was not a good situation for her and not even the most desperate of husband hunters would go to these lengths. Sidney could also see from the movement of her shoulders she was struggling to stay composed. Just how much had she seen? As he considered the matter he could feel himself react to the thought that she had seen him in all his glory. A sight only a wife or lover would be allowed. Had the sight displeased her or was she excited by what she had seen? Had she seen any others and how would he compare to them? The thoughts flew through his mind getting progressively steamier.   
"Yes, you're right. I spoke out of turn. Forgive me."  
He took pity on her and felt he had to say something to allow her to leave the scene before things got out of hand or someone happened to see them. If she did turn now he didn't think he'd be able to cope with her reaction, or what he might do. A flashback of standing at her back undoing her dress came to mind, a remnant of his dream and he felt a certain amount of excitement start to take over.   
"Of course. Excuse me" she replied as she lifted her skirts and took off as if the hounds of hell were at her heels.   
Sidney made his way out of the water and towards his clothes. What just happened there? Had Miss Heywood just caught him in his birthday suit and the sight of him frightened her so much she ran off in fear? Or was it something else? Why had he not at least attempted to cover himself? Why did he feel it was ok if she was to see him in such a manner? Did he intend to provoke her? Good grief , Sidney thought, his mind was in a mess. As he dressed and made his way back to Sanditon he realised Tom was no longer filling his thoughts but Miss Heywood was. And part of him looked forward to sleep and hoped his dreams would progress to a satisfying conclusion.


	4. ubiquitous

Miss Heywood was almost the first thing that came into Sidney's mind the next morning. Only after he realised he had shamefully fallen asleep in a drunken stupor in the hotel bar. The noise of construction awoke him and to say he felt sick would be to put it mildly. The sight of Miss Heywood running away from him at the cove was one of his first thoughts but he was trying to put it to the back of his mind when Crowe and Babbington appeared and they didn't waste time in reminding him of his confession from the night before. He tried to remember how the topic even came up in conversation. He could remember Crowe teasing Babbington about his obsession with Miss Denham, asking him why he persisted with someone who quite obviously wasn't interested when there were more pleasant ladies around like Miss Heywood. Sidney had tried to keep his reaction neutral in front of his friends but too much alcohol must've meant he was not fully in control of his facial features nor his mouth. He scoffed at Crowe's suggestion of Miss Heywood being more pleasant.  
"pleasant to some, Crowe, but that one can give as good as she gets. She's no mouse to be told what to do. She's not so innocent."   
Babbington queried Sidney on his meaning  
"Miss Heywood is the most confounding woman I've ever met. I'll be keeping clear of her claws from now on, she has already hunted me down like prey to the cove when I was at my most exposed. What sort of young lady would do such a thing?"   
"Just how exposed were you Parker?" asked Crowe, with a definite leer added to his tone  
"as exposed as you can get Crowe"   
Sidney's two friends hooted with laughter, "the poor girl, what must she think of you Parker? She's bound to be scarred for life after such a sight. What did you do Parker?" Asked Babbington  
"Do? What could I do? I was caught in the sea and she was by my clothes on the rocks. She seemed to stand there for ages as the cold ocean froze my family jewels. I was going blue as she stayed there pretending to be surprised."  
"You're not really suggesting that she followed you there to catch you in your all together, man? Not even the worst of flirts would intentionally follow a man to see him naked. You're not that good looking Parker! It must've been an accident. What did she say or do while you flaunted yourself in front of the poor girl?" asked Babbington.   
"She turned her back on me, she's good at that, then she had another go at me. Telling me she was tired looking at me. I wanted to tell her she didn't need to look at me but I was afraid someone was going to appear and find us in the most compromising of situations and then I would end up having to marry the chit. Just as she probably planned. I apologised and let her leave. I don't know what I was apologising for but at least it was enough to get her to leave."  
"Parker you really are a fool. There's no way Miss Heywood planned to catch you. I've heard her put you in your place at Lady Denham's luncheon. She can barely stand you. I'm sure you had covered yourself when you saw her anyway. There was little to see Parker" laughed Crowe   
Sidney must've coloured at this, as both Crowe and Babbington howled with laughter all the more.   
"Parker you are too much. That poor lady will wonder what sort of brute are you to flaunt yourself in front of her. How will you face her now? And her living in your brother's home! You better hope she doesn't tell Mary of your behaviour" said Babbington 

Sidney now contemplated the meeting with Miss Heywood that was inevitable as he walked towards Trafalgar house. He kept an eye out for her as she was liable to appear anywhere, at any time. It made him sick to his stomach. He hoped she would be too embarrassed to mention it to anyone and he was more than sorry he had let it slip to Babbington and Crowe.   
Unfortunately or fortunately, he couldn't decide, there was no sign of her and he hoped she was out on an errand as he had to call with Tom this morning to let him know he was leaving Sanditon along with Crowe and Babbington. Sidney felt his return to London was well overdue and would be a safer place for him than Sanditon was proving to be.   
Sidney's head and stomach was aching as he tried to explain to Tom why he could no longer keep his companions in Sanditon. As usual Tom was being less than understanding but at least there was no sign of Miss Heywood as they went into Tom's office.   
A movement from behind a desk caught Tom's eye and alas, there she was. Sidney clenched his jaw and decided to brazen it out. He was still half of the mind that she had pursued him to the cove in her husband hunting endeavours.   
"Miss Heywood , always popping up when least expected" Sidney stared her out to let her know he was onto her games. Tom took a look at Sidney that suggested he had spoke out of turn and Miss Heywood returned a look of disgust at Sidney as she left the room.   
At least there were no signs of embarrassment on her face, that would've been hard to explain to Tom and he would surely have wanted to know what was going on. Sidney held his breath as she left the room. Again he felt out of sorts and conflicted. Was he totally wrong about her? Had their encounter at the cove been an accident and was he being too harsh on her? Everyone else seemed to not see the side he thought was obvious, the side that was evident in all young ladies with marriage on their mind. Had he become too jaded or was he the better judge of character?   
He really needed to get back to London where things were simpler. He was firm with Tom and took his leave of his brother as he could take no more. 

Sidney, Crowe and Babbington were all packed and awaiting the coach when Mrs Griffith's maid appeared with a note for Sidney about Georgiana. Sidney found his heart sink as he read of Miss Lambe's latest misbehaviour. There was no way he could leave and not deal with this matter. He saw off his companions and made his way to speak with Georgiana but what he could say to her so that her behaviour would improve, it was a mystery to him. He knew nothing of young ladies and was becoming more exasperated with every escapade. Every lecture he gave her seemed to have the reverse of the desired effect. Sidney was running out of patience and he really needed Mrs Griffiths to do more to keep her under control. As he left to speak about this matter with Mrs Griffiths he collided with Miss Heywood in the corridor. They met chest to chest and only he had his hat and stick in his hands he would likely have held her by the waist. He could not help inhale her scent and feel her softness as she was pressed so close to him.   
"Miss Heywood, it seems I cannot escape you. I was just leaving"   
He looked into her eyes and saw only coldness but even then they were magnificent in their brilliance. The coldness was quite a new experience for him but her smell lingered as he continued on his way towards Mrs Griffith's parlour. He paused when he was out of sight and took a deep breath and tried to stop the tremble that had begun in his throat. How could such a fleeting event make him react so strongly. What was it about this particular woman that had him so on edge. He couldn't put his mind to rights about what she was doing to him or how to perceive her. Had she been sent to torture him when he was asleep as well as awake? 

As he now found himself stuck in Sanditon, for at least another day and no company to keep him amused, Sidney made his way to Trafalgar house to see if the children were available for some outings. Unfortunately, by the time he got there they were already put down by their nanny for their afternoon nap. Mary encouraged him to stay and await the children rising and he took his refuge in Tom's office to catch up on the news in the paper. As he was reading of an acquaintance's recent betrothal in the notices, he could hear the approach of someone. He was wondering if Mary was coming to tell him of the children awakening but unfortunately it was Miss Heywood. Again.   
Maybe he was foolish to think he was safe from her in Tom's house but how could she be everywhere he was, it really was ridiculous at this stage. He felt his patience running out. The news of another friend being ensnared in matrimony was bad enough without this constant harassment from Miss Heywood. She really was most persistent.   
" the ubiquitous Miss Heywood! Can't I even read the news in peace?"   
"If you don't wish to be disturbed you might choose somewhere more secluded." she replied.  
The cheek of her, thought Sidney. 'More secluded' ,indeed.   
"Yes well I tried that, it wasn't entirely successful." Sidney stared her out to ensure she understood his meaning. Yet again there seemed to be no sign of embarrassment on her countenance from seeing him naked nor from failing in her plot. It was at this point Tom appeared, fit to burst with excitement about Dr Fuchs.   
Going to Lady Denham's was the last thing Sidney ever wanted to do, and the addition of a doctor was no incentive to go. He just wanted to spend some quiet time with his thoughts until he could make his escape to London. He also realised that Miss Heywood would also be included in the trip to Lady Denham's. More interaction with her was not going to help his temper or his reasoning of why he was in total confusion about her. The walk there would probably involve some conversation and who knew how much he'd have to deal with her once they got to Lady D's. The old bat was liable to start ranting about marriage again, as she seemed to be obsessed with it and Sidney didn't need to try dodging that bullet with his head still throbbing from last night.   
Tom's emotional blackmail was used with full force to convince him to go and with Miss Heywood giving him a look of disgust, he felt the will to start a row, leave him. Sometimes it was just easier to give in to Tom.   
As their group made the walk to Lady Denham's, Sidney was tempted to speak to Miss Heywood about their encounter at the cove but what he would say or even how to bring it up was a puzzle. The fact that others might overhear their conversation was another reason he kept his distance. The rest might think him rude but they were used to him and his moods by now and it was obvious he really didn't want to be there. He was conscious of Arthur and Diana listing their many ailments and could foresee an embarrassing afternoon ahead yet Miss Heywood never seemed to mind his families odd behaviours.   
As the group listened to Dr Fuchs and his remedies, Sidney could feel his will to live, ebb away, but he had decided to keep a low profile and not attract the attention of Lady Denham. When he heard of boiling a calf's foot as a remedy his tolerance level had been reached, he could take no more and decided to leave. His slight display of temper was unfortunate but Tom was bound to realise the whole thing was ridiculous. he also couldn't stomach all the other plotting and planning that he could see was going on around the room. Sidney felt it was best to get out of there before things got worse. He needed some fresh air or brandy, one or the other was his remedy and he wouldn't find it there. 

As he neared the construction of the new terrace he heard a crash and commotion and took off running towards the noise to offer some assistance. As he came upon the scene of the accident he could see Miss Heywood bent over and immediately thought she had been hurt and it caused him a moment of panic but as he got towards the injured body on the ground he realised it was one of the workmen and she was there trying to help. Sidney recognised Young Stringer, Tom's foreman, there on his knees and it wasn't hard to figure out that the injured man was badly hurt from the amount of blood that was pouring from his leg. Miss Heywood called the injured man Mr stringer and he could see from Young Stringer's face that this must be his father. As he took off his coat he could see Miss Heywood dealing with the incident in a calm manner compared to those around her. Sidney immediately thought of Dr Fuchs and suggested someone fetch him for he had never seen such a gruesome injury. One of the workmen agreed to go for the doctor and Miss Heywood showed great foresight in directing him towards the hotel. She turned towards Sidney and pointed out that they needed to stop the bleeding, the look in her eye was confident and he noted her hands were gentle as she comforted the injured man. She stood up and was attempting to rip her petticoat but was finding it too difficult to begin. Sidney could see what she was trying to do but there was no way he was going to grab her petticoat without her permission, not in front of a crowd and after all that had transpired between them. When she asked for help he felt it was appropriate to do and while he found the cotton easy to rip he also found the sight and feel of her stockings quite tantalising. They worked together to deal with the injury and Sidney was relieved to see that she seemed to know what she was doing. How she came by this knowledge gave him pause for thought. As they carried Mr stringer to Trafalgar house, Sidney was hopeful that this would not end up as a fatality as so many accidents seemed to go. For once maybe Tom and his bright ideas might work out. They entered Tom's house and again Miss Heywood was in complete control, giving instructions and anticipating the needs of the Doctor. Everyone seemed to naturally follow her instructions as she gave all the appearance of knowing what she was about. At last the doctor appeared and things started to get more heated with Young Stringer understandably concerned for his father's welfare. Sidney thought it would be best to get him away and to allow the doctor to do his work. It took some convincing but he felt Miss Heywood watch him as he tried to gently persuade Young Stringer to wait outside. He had experienced some injuries in the past and knew that watching someone suffer was often worse than dealing with recovery afterwards. He could tell the younger man was struggling with his emotions and concerns yet he knew that if he stayed he would likely hinder the doctor. Miss Heywood must've agreed with what he was doing as he had no doubt she would speak up if she disagreed with him. Sidney was no fan of blood but he was prepared to be of assistance if he could and he expected Miss Heywood to make a quick escape now that the doctor was there. When she refused to leave Sidney was stunned and confused. Was this bravery just a front, did she not know what was to come? He highly doubted she knew what would come next and he was prepared to catch her when she would definitely faint. She took it upon herself to administer the alcohol to Mr stringer to numb the pain, and gave further instructions to Sidney, all of which were intended to comfort the patient. The look of concern on her face was genuine and Sidney couldn't help but admire her compassion for a man who was a stranger to her and who was much her inferior to her in class. He could not imagine many other young ladies taking care of another in this manner. He found his attention returning again and again to her. Her eyes, lips and décolletage were hard to ignore even as the injured man screamed out in pain. Their eyes met time and again and he felt comfort in her presence. As the doctor continued with his treatment she remained focused and as helpful as any other who were in the room. Sidney was of no doubt that without her help the doctor would not have been as successful as he was in the treatment of the injury.   
Even when all they could do was completed she remained to comfort and clean Mr Stringer's other cuts and reassured him of his future. It wasn't long after that she disappeared and Sidney spied her outside talking to Young Stringer. From the window Sidney could tell she was comforting the young man and as he clasped her hands Sidney felt like he had been punched in the stomach. Were they more than friends and acquaintances? Before he knew it, he was outside breaking up the little romantic tableau.   
"Your father will be glad to see you now Mr Stringer" Sidney suggested as a way to get them apart.   
He had much to think about and he needed quiet to do it. The arousal he experienced when he was in close proximity to her was becoming much too frequent even at the most inappropriate times. They looked towards each other and she seemed as if she had something to say, he felt he needed to say something, but what, he didn't know where to begin. He turned towards the hotel and away from the source of so much confusion, Miss Heywood.   
"I must admit Miss Heywood, you ...eh.... You've given a good account of yourself today" Sidney thought a compliment was necessary and much deserved.   
" I should never have expected you to be so eh...capable."  
'Capable' was a safe enough word, he thought; wonderful, amazing, breath-taking, would have been dangerous words to use and not at all neutral.   
Her reaction was yet again not what he expected. Why could she not thank him and run along? Sidney gulped down the lump in his throat as she came towards him and responded in her usual insightful manner. Insightful is what her power was and she wielded it with great skill. It was as if she could read his mind sometimes.   
"Because I am a young woman? Or because up until now you have dismissed me as frivolous?"   
Sidney could feel a wry smile creep upon his face as she used the work frivolous, yes indeed he had thought all young ladies were nothing but frivolous.   
"Well a little of both I dare say. Forgive me."  
Sidney looked upon her face and could only see a freshness and pleasantness to her features. How had she transformed so much in so short a time? He hoped she would be kind to him and take his olive branch as he felt things had changed between them.   
"How could I not? Since I am equally guilty of dismissing you" she smiled at him in an embarrassed manner.   
"Oh? And what exactly have I done to deserve such condemnation?"   
Sidney held his breath as he realised he had given her an opportunity to ridicule him, again, but he couldn't help himself from knowing her opinion of him. Why it mattered to him, and why it had always mattered to him, he couldn't explain. He wanted her to think well of him yet he had always believed the worst of her. Was his poor opinion of her a reaction to the criticisms she had given him? Were there more to come now? The same accusations or were there some new crimes he had committed?  
She seemed to be genuinely confused in her analysis of him, as if she had given the matter much thought and couldn't work him out. Truthfully Sidney found it somewhat difficult to defend himself against her observations and his self defence was weak to even his own ears. As they continued to talk he felt himself draw closer and closer to her until they were standing much too close to each other for a normal conversation but at least they were both keeping their tempers in check. Sidney had noticed that she used all of her face in her expressions when she was talking about something or someone she cared about. Even her eyebrows were involved in her emotions and there were the cutest little frown lines on her forehead as she spoke. He must've been staring at her for she stopped talking and suggested he was going to condemn her for her opinions as he had before. Little did she know that he was full of admiration for her at that point and it was most likely a glimmer of desire and not anger that was shown on his face. He dispelled her notion and actually agreed that there was value in her opinions, even though some of what she had said was already forgotten as he had been quite distracted at a stage. He also belatedly pointed out that he had asked for her opinion and would've been wrong to criticise, something he felt guilty about since the ball.   
She reacted with surprise to his reply and felt his opinion was compliment from him. How bad was her opinion of him or was she teasing? It was hard to tell at times with her but he had been trying to tease her and ease the tension that had previously been created by their discussions on these matters.   
Sidney felt almost too much had been said and turned to go to the hotel, yet a part of him felt there was another matter they could discuss while they were virtually alone on the street.   
"Ah Miss Heywood, I've been meaning to say...our meeting down at the cove. I hope you weren't too embarrassed?" He felt that he needed to bring the matter into the open and at least apologise for any embarrassment he might have caused. In hindsight he realised there was much he could've and should've done.  
"Why should I be embarrassed? I was fully clothed. " she replied with a slight smirk upon her face. She seemed to be enjoying his discomfort.   
"Yes, very good point. Well it was hardly fair of you to ambush me like that" he replied, feeling a need to tease her back and put some guilt on her, even though he no longer believed she had intentionally followed him to the cove.   
"I can assure you it was not deliberate on my part" she laughably retorted.   
"Nor mine" he teased back with a smile he found hard to disguise.   
"Well then" she replied back with a glowing smile that had a hint of tease in it.   
"Well then" Sidney returned and found he was enjoying this conversation far too much. He had an urge to reach over and cup her cheek or just put her hair behind her ear. The overwhelming urge to touch her meant he was tightly clasping his hands behind his back. He all of a sudden realised they were still in the middle of the street and he needed to move before he lost his control and grasped her in view of everyone.   
How had he gone from dreading seeing her this morning to being on the verge of embracing her in the street? What had she done to him?


	5. Admiral Heywood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the lovely comments

Sidney was as relaxed as he could be when he was with his nieces and nephew. They were a joy to spend time with. Their energy and joy made everything else fade into the background. He often thought that these small people were the greatest achievements of Tom's life and would be, no matter how much building went on In Sanditon. He had taken the opportunity to bring the three eldest down to the river for a picnic and to sail their boats while Mary took the chance of a break from their endless energy. It was moments like this that kept him from being a total curmudgeon and he valued them most when he was stuck in London, at some insufferable evening dinner party listening to nonsense from the ton.   
The children were especially pleased when they saw Miss Heywood appear to summons them home for tea. They ran to her and she embraced them as if they were her own and Sidney couldn't help think that a welcome like that told its own tale. He always believed that children were good judges of character and they obviously had deep affection for Miss Heywood. Her joy and natural way with them, appeared unforced and genuine. His feelings were still weary of her after their discussion on the street earlier and he wanted to maintain the spirit of goodwill they seemed to have established.   
He welcomed her by inviting her to participate in their game of playing with the boats and he could tell from her happy reaction that she was glad to be there with him and still had a teasing aura about her. He couldn't help but study her closely to see if his impression of total beauty and captivation with her was as strong as earlier. He found it was. She seemed to glow with happiness and joy, as much as the children seemed to do so.   
They were all kneeling by the river bank ready to put their boats afloat as she made a comment in reply to his tease about historical accuracy in their game, "can we not rewrite our history if we find it disagreeable"  
Sidney found the comment made a lump form in his throat. It was obvious she was not talking about war history. The glint in her eye and tone of voice made it obvious she was referring to their troubled past. Had they warred that much and had it troubled her as it had him? Sidney felt a squeeze in his chest as he felt she had given him another chance to start again. Her dimples and wild curls made her appear as tempting as any woman he had ever seen. Why had he believed her to be such an inconvenience since their first meeting?  
The children brought him out of his thoughts as Henry almost leapt from his arms. They placed their boats into the water and Sidney felt as happy as he'd been in years as the children's joy and Miss Heywood's good opinion seemed to glow around him. Their shoulders were almost touching as they watched the progress of their toy ships and he could feel her breath upon his neck and warmth at his side as they clustered together. This was what he wanted, thought Sidney. This feeling of joy and contentment that came from companionship and family. He hadn't felt this, ever and never thought he would, after Eliza had ruined his future ten years before. He had come a long way emotionally and geographically, from the days after she'd made the decision to abandon him for someone richer. Sidney used his usual denial techniques to put her from his mind and returned to the present that was much more preferable.   
As they returned to their feet Sidney struggled to keep his eyes from returning to Miss Heywood and the look upon her face was slightly puzzled. He couldn't help himself ask her what she was thinking of. Her every emotion was displayed upon her face and he realised he wanted to know her every thought, especially if it was somehow connected to him. He didn't want any more misunderstandings between them and he was determined to keep this goodwill between them.   
Her response about a possible regatta stunned him. It was such an obvious solution to their dilemma, it was ridiculous that nobody had considered it before.   
They quickly packed up the children and returned to Trafalgar house, all the time discussing the options the regatta could provide. Sidney found that between the happy children and the passion Miss Heywood was exuding about her brilliant idea, he was smiling from ear to ear. It was proving to be a momentous day indeed.   
When they entered Trafalgar house they went immediately to tell Tom of the regatta, and Sidney was delighted for Miss Heywood and Tom, that he even found himself continuing with his teasing tone.   
"Tom, Miss Heywood has an idea, and not a bad one as it happens."  
He turned to her and watched as she seemed almost embarrassed to be given even the slightest praise, and he felt a certain amount of pride as she explained her concept to Tom. When she mentioned falling in love with Sanditon he couldn't help looking at her and found she was returning his glance. It had made him think of love and how his feelings were changing towards his birthplace, as well as for her. Was she feeling the same? Was there as light blush to her cheeks as she looked at him. His feelings were much transformed today so could she have had a similar change of heart towards him?   
He felt her by his side full of energy and excitement as she spoke about their playtime together with the children and how it had sparked her idea. Sidney couldn't help smiling at the memory of their heart-warming and teasing moments together. Moments when he realised his heart was thawing.   
As Tom relayed the idea to Mary and took almost full ownership of it, Sidney felt he needed to intercede and give Miss Heywood her share of the credit rather then stand idly by and let Tom steamroller his interpretation onto everything. Tom's enthusiasm was admirable but he too often got carried away with all things Sanditon. Miss Heywood seemed to understand this and declined to take credit and even turned with a subtle glance to Sidney as Tom continued on with his own self praise. That moment of silent communication filled Sidney's heart with even more joy. They were totally in tune with each other and found a shared humour that didn't even need explanation.   
As Tom continued with his plans and vision, Mary and Charlotte left the Parker brothers to their wine in front of the fire, as they saw to the children. Tom eventually ran out of steam and Sidney prepared to return to his room at the hotel. There was a calmness and confidence in Tom that he hadn't seen in a long time and Sidney felt good.   
"all is well with Tom Parker" said Sidney as he stood to take his leave.   
"So it would seem" replied Tom but his appearance had taken a more serious turn as he too stood. " I was just wondering if ..ah...while, you are in London you could stop by the bank for me. See if they might consider extending.."  
Sidney felt his blood pressure spike and his anxiety level rose as it always did when Tom wanted yet another favour.   
If Tom had tried to do what he was expecting of Sidney, he wouldn't be so quick to presume. He felt like a beggar as he went from bank to bank. He had his own businesses to consider and he was starting to feel like a leper in the banks and it wasn't even his own projects that he was debasing himself for.   
His automatic refusal came to a halt as he saw Miss Heywood in the next room, on her knees playing dolls with Jenny. The evening light shone upon them as they smiled at each other, recalling the moment she appeared down at the river earlier. To Sidney it reminded him of his notion of family and he considered what it must be like for Tom to have a wife and children rely upon you. He also recalled Miss Heywood accusing him of not doing enough for Tom, earlier that day, and he had claimed he done all he could, yet only hours later he was refusing to help, with something that quite possibly would make a major difference to all the plans Tom had for Sanditon.   
Sidney realised he had to try, for Tom's sake, his families sake and for the sake of Miss Heywood's opinion of him.   
He gave in, again, but this time his motivation wasn't just about Tom, Miss Charlotte Heywood was having a big influence on his actions.   
There was a feeling of inevitability in Sidney as he agreed to do his best for Tom. Maybe this time he could be the hero and see gratitude from Tom and Miss Heywood.   
Tom brightened at his reply and suddenly they were all heading towards the beach for an evening stroll, even though it was almost bedtime for the children. 

As the Parker family walked along an almost deserted beach Sidney was most content to accompany Miss Heywood as Tom and Mary strolled ahead of them. Their companionable silence was a pleasant experience for Sidney. He was thankful she didn't feel the need to fill every second with pointless chatter as many young ladies seemed to do. They watched the children play and laughed as they took full value from this late evening outing. The children frequently showing off for their uncle Sidney and their favourite friend Charlotte.   
Sidney found his thoughts full of what had occurred that day and how his opinion of Miss Heywood had totally transformed. He now considered her to be a practical and sensible young woman who was caring and compassionate. He wished Georgiana would show some of the same characteristics which gave him the idea of asking her to befriend Miss Lambe while he was away. Asking such a favour of her would be very awkward after all that had gone between them since their first meeting but Sidney felt their mutual understanding of each other was sound and hoped her goodwill would extend to this matter.   
"Miss Heywood I wonder if I might presume to ask a favour?"   
He even felt the need to remove his hat as he looked upon her shocked face. His admiring smile was natural compared to some of his previous appeals to her better nature. He was probably smiling like a loon at her, so much was his enjoyment in her company. He hoped nobody noticed how he was soaking up all her smiles and blushes but he was going to be leaving in the morning and wouldn't have any 'accidental' encounters with her for quite a while. He wanted to have as many memories of her as he could before he left. He knew there was no one in London who appealed to him as much as Miss Charlotte Heywood.   
"As extraordinary as it might sound, I do believe you are in a better position than almost anyone. Would you keep an eye on Georgiana for me? See that she's kept out of mischief"   
Miss Heywood was obvious in her amazement at his request. He glanced away and almost missed her glance of satisfaction. She replied that she knew he had thought her a bad influence, Georgiana must've discussed it with her. Sidney couldn't help but smile to himself, she really had no fear of him and wasn't going to make this any easier than all their other encounters. Was she going to make him grovel in apology for having judged her wrongly? Sidney had no problem with apologising if it meant they kept up with this teasing banter. She really was a delight to debate with.   
"Well, is it conceivable that we had each other wrong, Admiral Heywood?"   
Sidney looked into her eyes to ensure she got his meaning. He hoped she fully understood that he had admitted to himself, and now her, that she was not who he had accused her of being. He sincerely hoped she too had found him to be a much better man than he had demonstrated, so far. As she returned a long lingering look he found himself smiling. It appeared she was rethinking her opinion of him and it was a more positive one. Sidney was so very happy as they continued their stroll together along the beach, his smile was starting to feel like a permanent fixture. The only thing that could make this day better would be the opportunity to take her hand and tuck it into the crook of his arm to bring her closer to him. The image of Tom and Mary, so connected, as they walked ahead of them made Sidney's heart soar with what could be and for some reason the only person he could imagine by his side was Charlotte, Miss Heywood.   
His good humour even extended to Miss Lambe as he later went to inform her of his departure the next day. He was conscious of his treatment of his ward and had made the decision to be kinder to her. The advice he had received from Miss Heywood had again influenced his behaviour and he found that he was a happier man when he acted upon and considered the improvements she had shone a spotlight on. She really was changing him in so many ways.   
As he left to prepare for his journey in the morning, Sidney found he was actually most reluctant to leave Sanditon and that in itself was quite a revelation. What had become of him? Had he been totally bewitched by Miss Charlotte Heywood, the country miss, who had come to Sanditon to find a rich husband?   
He only knew one thing for certain, he wanted more. More of her smiles, her scent, her warmth, her compassion, her good sense, her humour, her passion....just more of her would do him very nicely. Sidney decided that on his return he was going to try to build upon today and see where it would take them.


	6. a week in london

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the comments and kudos

Sidney was seated between two of the daughters of Lord and lady Ashcroft. They were trying their best to hold his attention but were failing. Their topics of conversation were boring and frivolous. He knew before coming to dinner tonight, that there would be plots and plans to parade the two young misses in front of him as potential wives. He had suffered through enough of these dinners in the past but had hoped his business acquaintance would've realised he wasn't interested then, just as he wasn't interested now. Sidney was reaching the end of his patience. He suffered through the rest of the evening and took his leave as soon as he could. No doubt his hosts were happy to see the back of the dour and barely civil guest, Sidney thought with a smirk as he donned his hat on exiting their home.   
He had been three days in London and had suffered through the previous night with another business acquaintance and his family. How had he managed to have dealings with so many gentlemen who had unmarried daughters? While the young ladies were pretty and pleasant, none of them gave him a moments twinge of feeling. Before he had met Miss Charlotte Heywood, he had thought his disinterest applied to all young ladies. From his first meeting with Charlotte, he had realised he wasn't totally emotionally or physically immune to the opposite sex.   
If only his business allowed him to return to Sanditon, he would leave right now and ride through the night, even if that was dangerous, but that was a mark of how much he missed the place. Or so he told himself, even with the mental images of Miss Charlotte Heywood dominating his thoughts, almost every minute of the day and night, he still wasn't prepared to admit it was her, who he was missing.   
Sidney had to await the arrival of his cargo from Antigua and it was only a day late, and then he could conclude all that he must and head back.   
He was so tempted to turn down these dinner invitations but his business depended on these social niceties and it was preferable to pacing the rooms of Bedford place or drowning his impatience in alcohol, as he might have in the past.   
He was expected to make an appearance at Babington's Uncle's ball tomorrow night, but at least Crowe and Babbington would be there. He didn't expect to take much joy from another ball full of the London ton but there might be the chance of promoting Sanditon to some of the super rich who were likely to be there. He hoped to avoid standing up to dance but it all depended on who was there and the expectations he might be under from his host. The last ball he was at was in Sanditon and while he had dreaded going to it, he now had some very fond memories from that night, but also a certain amount of shame and regret. He cringed as he remembered how he had spoken to Charlotte on the balcony. He had asked for her opinion yet he had verbally chastised her when she gave it. He would give anything to go back to that moment and deal with it differently. If he had been more gentlemanly maybe he and Charlotte would have had many more pleasant encounters since then. He made another mental note to deal with her differently when he returned to Sanditon. Miss Heywood, he should try to remember the appropriate way to address her but in his most private thoughts she was definitely Charlotte. 

The next day he headed to the banks and tried to appeal for the necessary funds that Tom had requested. It was getting to be an impossible task to even get some of the bank managers to hear him out. The notion of the regatta had sparked some interest but it wasn't going to be enough. The thought of the regatta brought Sidney's mind back to Charlotte, her face as she'd had the idea and how he had felt that togetherness by the riverside with the children. He couldn't help but smile. His dream last night had been from their time together at the river. He had held her by the waist as they watched their children play. He had kissed her neck as he held her in front of him and she had pressed back into his hardness and smiled at him over her shoulder. "I think nanny can stay with the children for a while and we can head back to see to business Sidney" she whispered. He hardened further as she mentioned business, their code word for their conjugal duties. "Sidney you excel at business" she told him while they were still entangled in the bedsheets and as he went to pull her towards him he awoke in a most uncomfortable state. 

As he entered the ballroom of Sir Danvers, he recognised some faces but he sought out Babbington or Crowe. He spotted them by the refreshments and headed that way. They spent some time catching up on who was present before Babbington enquired about Miss Denham. Sidney couldn't help rolling his eyes and Crowe teased him without mercy but Babbington was unashamed in his admiration for Esther Denham. He was completely gone on her and was happy to admit it. Sidney admired his ability to be so open in his affections, he seemed to have no fear when it came to matters of the heart. But then again he hadn't had his heart crushed like he had. Sidney hoped it was on the mend after everything that had happened recently in Sanditon and he was determined to keep all thoughts of Eliza in a section of his brain for 'lessons learned'. Crowe reminded Babbington of all the eligible young ladies who would be pleased to receive his attentions in that very room but Babbington assured him that while in the past he might have been distracted, this time he was decided. His plan was to return to Sanditon as soon as possible and claim her as his wife. Sidney laughed along with Crowe as they had seen how little progress he had made with the affections of Miss Denham but Babbington merely joined in the laughter.   
As the three men laughed aloud they drew the attention of many around them, one of whom was Lady Susan Worcester. While she knew Lord Babbington she had to make enquiries of the names of his companions. She was informed of their details and any appropriate information concerning their families and eligibility. Lady Susan liked to know who was about her and how they were connected to others of her acquaintance. She also had many mothers appeal to her for recommendations for prospective husbands for their daughters and had had a hand in many a match over the years. She liked the look and sound of Sidney Parker but thought he had a haunted look in his eyes at times while George Crowe was quite obviously a young man who had his own troubles, most notably alcohol. She looked closely at Sidney Parker and found him to be a most handsome character worth remembering and further investigation.

As the ball ended and Sidney took his leave along with Babbington, he was content in the evening's endeavours. He had managed to pitch Sanditon to a few more of his acquaintances and hoped they would be worth contacting another time to possibly rent some accommodation or even invest. He was looking forward to telling Tom of his progress. He had danced a few dances when it was required of him but he found little joy in his partners but at least he had avoided the most ambitious of the young ladies. At one point he had felt his heart stop as he thought he had seen Charlotte in the ball room, but as the lady in question had fully turned towards him he was filled with disappointment to see it was not her. He also realised at that point that if it had been her he would most likely have made a spectacle of himself as he would've raced to be at her side and would have remained there for the rest of the night. From then on he was keen to leave the claustrophobic atmosphere of the ball but remained for Babbington's sake. As the two men settled in their carriage to return to their dwellings Sidney felt a need to question Babbington on his plans to return to Sanditon.   
"When might you be returning to Sanditon then Babbers?"  
"I'm ready to go now Parker, if I didn't have family duties to see to. I'll let you know and you can accompany me if you have a mind to. I'll definitely be there for the regatta if not before it. And if Miss Denham invites me I'd be there quicker than an express could take me. I owe you Parker, whatever you want, name it, only for you I'd never have discovered the treasure that is my Esther. " he was exuding happiness and Sidney felt himself return his grin.  
" you're most welcome Babbington but hadn't you better wait until you have her agreement to marry you before to give away the family treasures? Or even wait until she tells you of her feelings at least?"   
"Parker, she could be in no doubt of my feelings for her and I am convinced I can persuade her to commit to me. I'm a very persuasive person. While I haven't fully declared my love to her, I couldn't not let her know of some of my feelings as they were bursting out of me they were so overwhelming. If I had told her it all, I fear I would've scared her away. Have you never felt that Parker? Have you never looked at a woman and just known that she was the other half of you? The one who warmed your soul and who you wanted to spend every second alongside? A woman who merely has to look at you, to bring your temperature to fever point? Someone who never leaves your thoughts, even at night? If you have Parker, then you know what I'm feeling. It's love, the everlasting, forever and ever type. Not lust like I've experienced in the past. Mind you some of my thoughts have been quite steamy, never mind some of my dreams but I can't help myself when I think of her and that's why I'll be making a quick return to Sanditon. I live with a constant fear that someone else will beat me to her and claim her as his own. I'm quite demented with that nightmare."  
Sidney swallowed hard at that thought. His mind had been checking off Babbington's list in his head and he pictured Charlotte at every point and the thought of someone else claiming her had never entered his head, until now. He had a flashback of her and Young Stringer and felt a cold sweat form. A sense of panic started to set in and his plans went out the window. He would return in the morning and if his cargo had not yet arrived then it was going to be the first time he wasn't there to check on things in person. He had more important things to check on.


	7. truth

Never had Sanditon seemed so far away. The heatwave was taking its toll on Sidney but he couldn't afford to stop and relax as he was anxious to get back to Miss Heywood as soon as he could. He had chosen the fastest means of travel possible to him and every time he had to pause to allow this horse some respite he paced the roadside or stable yard, his head full of scenarios where he would be too late and she would be attached to someone else.   
At last his birthplace came into view and he slowed, as he tried to get his thoughts in order and plan his approach. He also hoped that nobody had seen him race towards Sanditon as if the hounds of hell were on his heels.   
He tried to appear as bored as he normally would on entering the Main Street and stopped outside the hotel and dismounted. His pulse raced as he scanned every person he saw on his approach to the hotel. He was on the lookout for Charlotte...Miss Heywood. He mentally corrected himself and hoped that he didn't slip up and call her Charlotte in public, as it was the only way he thought of her in his own private musings.   
He went directly to Trafalgar House and was somewhat relieved when Mary was the only person there.   
"Sidney! Tom will be overjoyed to see you. He's been so impatient for your return"  
Sidney thought his impatience to return might be greater than Tom's. If they only knew what he had endured this past day and it was still early.   
He sat to have tea with her, even though some brandy was what he really needed to settle his nerves. He could barely think of a topic of idle chat for Mary's benefit and barely remembered Tom as he sat there waiting and hoping that there would be a glimpse or even a sound of Charlotte within the house. Eventually he could wait no longer, he was ready to burst and there was a lump his throat.   
"What of your house guest?" he stumbled out as he reached for a cup and poured some tea. Anything to keep his hands busy and his eyes cast away from Mary in case she could see the desperation behind the question. 'Houseguest' was a safe way of referring to her...if he had said Miss Heywood he believed it would be obvious in his tone of voice. He really was in a bad way. A teenager would have more command over himself. He felt as if Mary took forever to answer him.   
"Charlotte has gone to see Miss Lambe"   
His heart gave a lurch of delight as he had dreaded hearing she was with Young Stringer. That was his greatest fear.   
He smiled as he remembered his favour and how they had strolled together so pleasantly on the beach on his last evening in Sanditon. She had taken him at his word and was staying close to Georgiana. He needed to thank her. That would be as good a reason as any to seek her out and speak privately to her.   
He decided then and there he could wait no longer to see her, hear her, smell her, touch her.....  
His level of excitement was rising quickly and he hoped the happiness he was feeling was not evident on his face by the massive grin that often appeared when he thought of her. Or evident elsewhere on his person.   
"Perhaps I'll find Miss Heywood with her" he considered how he would feel when he saw her again. Would he be able to control the urge he had to hold her hand? Would there be any sign of encouragement from her? Would all that he had dreamed of them together be within his grasp. Would the next few hours change the course of his life forever?   
He just hoped that Mary didn't dwell on his request about Charlotte and his plan to find her with Georgiana. He didn't need anyone getting involved until he was sure of her feelings for him. His feelings were quite clear at this point. He had taken courage from Babbington and wasn't going to waste time in making them known to his dearest Charlotte.   
As he tried to walk at a normal pace to Mrs Griffith's house he considered it might have been better to go to his rooms and freshen up before meeting her but his patience was not his finest quality and if he waited any longer he felt he was going to explode. 

He told himself to calm down as he entered Mrs Griffith's drawing room and found a small group assembled.   
He tried to appear his usual self, with maybe a little more gentleman-like manners, as he was trying to improve his behaviour towards others.   
He enquired after Miss Lambe and smiled as he expected to be told she was in her room with Miss Heywood.   
When he was told of their apparent location, Sidney was confused and alarmed. How could they be with Tom and Mary when he had just left Trafalgar House and had left Mary sitting at her tea?  
His heart sunk and his pulse leapt at his initial thoughts, that they were somewhere unsafe or with some good-for-nothing's that had appeared in Sanditon since he had left.   
Along with Mrs Griffith's and Reverend Hankins, they began to search for the two young ladies. Mrs Griffith's only increased Sidney's alarm as she kept proposing scenarios where their reputations and safety might be compromised. It was not helping Sidney's temper.   
After they had searched every street, shop, beach, cliff top and back alley, Sidney was ready to explode. The fear he felt tasted like blood on his tongue but then again perhaps it was the fact that he bit his own lip as he struggled under the pressure to find them.   
His imagination had them captured somewhere and being held against their will. Georgiana was ripe pickings for those who knew of her fortune and if Charlotte had got accidentally caught up in such an event and subsequently hurt or damaged he would never forgive himself. The fact that his main concern was for Charlotte and not Georgiana was something he was going to have to think about later, when they were found, safe and well.   
Sidney wasn't much for prayer but he silently prayed they were soon to find the two who meant so much to him. More than his own well being.   
When all possible locations that they could think of had turned up neither ladies, they agreed to return to the hotel and regroup, with perhaps some locals assisting in the search.   
As they left the hotel, with the decision being made to return to Mrs Griffith's for one more check, Sidney was speechless when he saw Charlotte opposite him on the street beside the London coach. The fact that she was with Otis Molyneaux and Georgiana, hardly registered. He almost stumbled into the hotel door with relief. It was then that he heard his own name being mentioned by Charlotte.   
"To keep you out of mischief, while I, Sidney Parker galivant around London with my high society, dandy friends"  
His relief soon turned to rage at the fact that while he had been frantic searching for them both, it was now obvious they had been having a fine time laughing and joking and making fun of him.   
"No, do go on, I'm intrigued to hear what I might say next" he bit out as he felt his own colour start to return.   
When Miss Heywood realised she had been caught in her imitation of him, her face fell and she paled so much her freckles stood out like ink spots.   
Otis and Georgiana weren't too pleased to see him either, some shame and then defiance from him, despair and hatred from her. Sidney wanted to throttle them all for the agonies he had been through. At the same time he wanted to hold them close to him in a clasp that would ease some of his agony. He wanted to take Charlotte in his arms and never let her go. To put his head upon her shoulder and inhale her scent. To have her put her arms around him and hold him close. To whisper her name and hear his upon her lips. To touch her lips with his, just the once would be like his prayers had been answered.   
He immediately focused in on Mr Molyneaux, a problem he had thought he had left behind in London. The very reason he had brought Miss Lambe to Sanditon, to sever their unsuitable association. He hadn't wanted to tell Georgiana of all that he knew of Otis and his unsavoury habits, but here he was, bold as brass and larger than life, right in front of him, in Sanditon. The only way he could've known where Miss Lambe had ended up, was if she had contacted him. Sidney was going to have to deal with that later as for now he needed him gone and clear on the fact he was never to return.   
As Mr Molyneaux climbed aboard the coach Georgiana cried in distress, the sight of her pain tore at Sidney's heart but he knew he couldn't relent. It was for her own good and with time he knew she would get over him. Young loves were very powerful but too often they did not endure when tested. Sidney knew this from experience.   
He was not prepared for Charlotte to chastise him for his actions.   
"Wait...you could at least allow them a proper parting" she pleaded, her face echoing her distress.   
"Thank you Miss Heywood, this is none of your concern."   
He struggled to keep from shouting at her and Georgiana about the panic they had caused, and he clenched his hat and cane with such force that he feared he had marked them permanently. He wanted to let Charlotte know how much he had feared for their safety, how he had searched everywhere for them, how he had imagined she was hurt and how much he would've suffered if she had been harmed in the smallest way. His feelings were so overwhelming, Sidney was struggling to stay in control. He was conscious that they were stood on the street and nothing much escaped the notice of the locals.   
He watched to make sure that Otis Molyneaux definitely left Sanditon. He was relieved and took a breath as he watched Miss Lambe safely escorted back to Mrs Griffith's house with close supervision. He turned to Miss Heywood with every intention of finding out how Mr Molyneaux had arranged to meet them and what had transpired during the day but she was clearly still distraught.   
"Did we not agree that you would look out for Georgiana? Keep her out of trouble! I should've known you weren't to be trusted."   
He walked away from her, knowing he was lashing out at the wrong person but he couldn't help it. He had been scared, was still scared and he was feeling defensive and powerless. It was his responsibility to look after Georgiana and he had failed.   
"and I should've known despite your professed concern you care nothing for her happiness" she called after him. That old accusation again.   
"I would ask you to refrain from making judgements about a situation you don't understand" his tone was still not what it should've been but Charlotte was not letting him take the time to bring his emotions under control.   
" I understand perfectly well" she spat at him. There was a look of disgust on her face. They seemed to have taken more than a few steps back in their relationship. Sidney felt his guts twist with disappointment and could feel even more anger bubble up within him.   
"of course you do, even though you've known Georgiana but a handful of weeks and him but a matter of hours"  
"that was time enough to learn that Mr Molyneaux is as respectable a gentleman as I've ever had cause to meet." Her defence of such a blaggard made Sidney see red. Were all women blinded by charm and smooth compliments? Was he always seen as the beast in their eyes? Had Georgiana's hatred of him poisoned Charlotte's mind?   
"You seem to find it impossible to distinguish between the truth and your own opinion"  
"The truth! You wish to speak of the truth? Mr Parker? The truth is you are so blinded by prejudice that you would judge a man by the colour of his skin alone" she was vibrating with passion in her defence of a philandering opportunist. If only she knew the truth, all of the truth that he had found out. The colour of the man's skin was not on his list of concerns in the slightest. Her accusation of racism shocked him. What had gone on today? Where had these accusations come from?   
"You speak out of turn" he was stunned. He felt his heart break that she thought so badly of him.   
"why would I expect any better from a man whose fortune is so tainted with the stain of slavery?"  
"That is enough" he roared. That was the worst accusation anyone could've made against him. If she only knew of the risks he had taken in Antigua, so that slavery could become a thing of the past. His reputation amongst other English landowners in Antigua and his personal wealth was damaged beyond repair after his actions. She really must think he was a despicable human being. There was no return from here. All his dreams shattered with his temper and it was his anger at this disappointment that had him reduced to shouting in the street.   
They were almost nose to nose, panting in passion and anger. She was glorious, he thought, but now it was over. All his dreams, as he had returned to Sanditon, were like shattered glass around his feet.   
" I do not need to justify myself to you. Mr Stringer! Kindly see Miss Heywood back to Trafalgar House" He was in such turmoil he failed to realise Trafalgar house was right behind him, mere steps away.   
He turned to leave, not knowing where to go or what to do. His head was thumping, his pulse racing and he felt like crying such was the pain in his chest. 

Sidney was desperate to leave. He needed to get out of Sanditon but he had yet to speak to Tom about the lack of funding from the banks. He took another swallow of his whiskey and dreaded the thought of going anywhere near Trafalgar House. She would likely be there. How was he to meet with her now? Would she know that his heart was broken just by looking at him? Maybe if he was lucky she would still be out walking with Young Stringer. He had seen them walk towards the beach together. His jaw still clenched at the thought of anyone else with her but he needed to realise that any hope he had had about them together was laughable, after they spectacle he had made of them in the street. Sidney was prepared to take the blame, he should've behaved better. He should've known better. His emotions were rarely so close to the surface but that's what happened when you started to acknowledge feelings again. He needed to feel less again. 

Tom was not happy about the news or rather lack of news from the banks. His ingratitude was mind blowing. His delusions about Sidney's abilities to just produce money from thin air was getting worrying. Sidney was ready for a fight. His hopeful return to Sanditon had turned into a disaster and here was Tom whining on about money and crying about what he was going to do? He really had no idea. Sidney snapped.   
"Try living within your means? That might help!" Tom was stunned and shocked. Sidney had never spoken to him like that.   
Sidney felt yet more guilt. He really shouldn't be allowed around people today. He contemplated the flames in the fireplace and compared it to his temper. He needed to get a grip.   
He apologised to Tom but the tension between them was palpable. He had done all he could for Tom.   
"I'll gladly own my own mistakes but I cannot own yours" Sidney added. Hopefully Tom would think on that and rectify his plans and behaviour.   
Sidney had made enough mistakes for one day and as he left Tom to seek out Mary and take his leave, he ran into Charlotte in the hallway. She paused and looked him in the eye. That was something at least he thought. He also noticed her hair was tied up. Did this mean she was going somewhere? With someone? Had he thrown her into the arms of Young Stringer? he felt his heart lurch within his chest.   
"Mr Parker" she addressed him, not allowing her manners to slip.   
"Miss Heywood" he replied, not 'dearest Charlotte' as he had hoped today would end with. The scent of her as she passed made him take a deep breath. That might be the last time you see her, he thought.


	8. It's just not cricket

The carriage ride from London was at least entertaining with Babbington and Crowe for company, but Sidney thought that what lay ahead with this visit to Sanditon was likely to be more than merely a cricket match.   
Miss Lambe could've been up to anything in his absence. And as for that other young lady.....  
Miss Denham was the main topic of conversation and Babbington was still determined to get her attention, if not her affections.   
Sidney remembered his last return to Sanditon and how his hopes and dreams had went up in smoke when he had at last reunited with Miss Heywood. Her imitation of him, while accurate, was very revealing. His heart clenched at his recollection of what followed on the street, in public. He was ashamed of how he had totally lost his cool and shouted at her. The fact that she stood her ground and didn't even flinch, while giving him a clear picture of her low opinion of him, was a memory that had haunted him in his dreams almost every night since.   
There were many variations in his dreams of how the encounter had ended; instead of sending her off with Young Stringer, he had hauled her into his arms and silenced her with his lips upon hers, in another, she had slapped him and he reacted by hauling her into his arms and silenced her with his lips upon hers, yet in another, she had demanded he allow love a chance and if he knew of love he wouldn't be so cruel, he told her he loved her and hauled her into his arms and silenced her with his lips upon hers. There was a definite theme to his dreams, all of which left him with an increasing amount of discomfort on awaking. His mind seemed to be trying to rewrite their history and while they had smoothed over their conflicts once before, he didn't have much hope it being possible a second time.   
He could feel his heart rate increase as their carriage pulled up outside the hotel and they disembarked. While a stiff drink might have been a good idea, Sidney felt it best to get the inevitable visit to Trafalgar house over with, while he was sober and somewhat in control of his emotions.   
The last time he had visited Tom's home, he had almost collided with her, but they had been civil and he hoped they could continue to be so on this visit. He had decided it was going to be his last and he was going to make the arrangements, so that his mind and body could get some rest. As long as he was constantly in her circle, he wasn't going to fix this anger, nor the despair he felt. Some time away, with perhaps some new acquaintances, might put her from his mind, as it had with another, ten years ago. His heart had mended then, quite quickly he could now admit, but there were times when there was a certain bitterness to his thoughts of Eliza. He had never thought he would ever love again but he now knew he could.   
He couldn't help his swift look around the street as he headed away from his travelling companions. The ubiquitous Miss Heywood was likely to appear anywhere.   
All seemed quiet as he greeted Tom in his home. It was an ideal time to let him know of the news that there was no more funding to be had. The look of disappointment on Tom's face was bad enough but as he paled Sidney hoped that things weren't as bad as he feared. His brother might be overly confident about the appeal of Sanditon, but he wasn't silly enough to overextend his finances.   
He was relieved when Tom changed the topic to the upcoming cricket match and they shared a laugh about Babbington's romancing. When Tom tried to return to pleading for financial aid Sidney felt his temper simmer again. He had promised himself he was going to try harder to keep a level head and not end up shouting at people, in private or public. It was the top of his list of self improvement. A list that had preoccupied his mind in every spare minute he had had since Miss Heywood had eloquently pointed out his flaws to everyone, in public. Every encounter they had on the street of Sanditon had left him with much food for thought.   
Sidney heard footsteps approaching and thought it was Mary, but he felt his heart lift as he saw Miss Heywood come through the door. He had to close his eyes and take a deep breath as the vision she made was even more appealing than in his imagination. He really had to get her off his mind. She hated him, that fact he was certain of.   
He stood to greet her and could see from her face that she was far from pleased to see him. Tom also stood but made an excuse to leave and see the workmen, which would mean leaving the two of them alone. While Tom prattled on Sidney couldn't help taking a long look at her and felt as if he was drinking in the sight of her; her loose curls, the slight frown, those luscious lips, the dusting of freckles, (maybe more than there had been the last time he saw her), the way her bosom moved as she too studied him directly. This picture of her was going to be his last and he wanted it to be detailed and accurate as it was going to have to last for quite some time. Or as long as it took for him to get over her. Sidney knew he needed to be away from her but he couldn't completely cut her from his heart, well not yet.   
She seemed to be confused in his presence but there were too many emotions crossing her face, with such speed that he couldn't clearly make them out. There was an increased tension between them, but Sidney felt there always was. This time, he was not thinking of how they might make the most of this moment of privacy. In the past, he would've moved closer to her and engaged her in conversation, but he was weary of her reaction to anything he might say, so he stayed silent and allowed her to take the lead. He took a deep breath and sighed as he prepared himself for whatever she might say, for he was sure it was going to hurt. She seemed to have a knack for directly aiming and striking at his heart and soul.   
At first she seemed to be at a loss for words until she said, " I assume you're here for the cricket, Mr Parker?"   
She could barely look him in the eye and that hurt, so much, Sidney took refuge in looking at the floor, so she couldn't see how he was so disappointed. He still wanted her to think well of him and her accusations of greed and racism, that she threw at him, still smarted.   
"never short of assumptions Miss Heywood" he replied with a slight grimace. He felt that if he kept his guard up, he might survive this encounter with some dignity.   
She smirked in return, as she too seemed to recall their most recent shouting match.   
"Well, I was not expecting to see you back so soon."   
"Believe me, neither was I " he had left previously with every intention of never returning, but here he was, and he had matters to arrange to ensure he never would return, this summer anyway.   
"Sidney, what a lovely surprise!" Mary entered the room and Sidney felt an enormous sense of relief. He felt a real smile cross his face. Mary was always happy so see him and he would do anything for her. Over the years, she had shown time and again, how she believed and cared for him. She was one of the most precious people to him and had been now for many years. Tom was most fortunate in his wife.   
With the presence of Mary, Sidney felt the level of tension drop but he needed to escape before Mary commented on the obvious ill feeling between them, or left them again or even, God forbid, had found out about the shouting incident and asked about it! There would be no easy way to explain it.   
Sidney made his excuses and headed out of the room which meant he had to pass by Miss Heywood. She took a step back, so much was her dislike of him, and he noticed she clenched her skirt in her hands. Maybe she was having trouble controlling her emotions, as much as he was. He was tempted to brush against her, just to have one last touch, no matter how fleeting, but he couldn't bear the thought of her recoiling from him. The scent of her and the sound of her, as she took a deep breath, as he passed, would have to be enough.   
His visit to Mrs Griffith's was a brief one as he informed her of his plans. He had hoped his last audience with Georgiana would be civil and with him out of the way she could find no more reasons to hate him and blame him for her misery.   
When Georgiana appeared, she was far from happy to see him and made it plain she didn't want him in Sanditon. His plan to stay away was becoming more definite by the minute.   
"Seeing as you ask so politely, I'm here to play cricket." He couldn't help needling Georgiana slightly in return for her rudeness. The other two young ladies, who were also under Mrs Griffith's care, he couldn't recall their names, were more than happy to see him it seemed. The disgusted look Georgiana gave them would've made him laugh out loud on another day, but his mood was still slightly dampened from his encounter with Miss Heywood.   
As they discussed the arrangements for attending the cricket match Georgiana threw more accusations at Sidney in her unrelenting sarcastic manner. In the past he found it quite a challenge to keep his temper when she spoke to him like this but, with his plans put in action, he found he could tolerate her cheek much easier, especially when she wouldn't have the opportunity again for quite a while. And he was working on keeping his temper. Test number three passed and it still wasn't yet noon. He left Mrs Griffith's with a spring in his step. It was time to play a bit of cricket and then get out of Sanditon. 

As Sidney approached the assembled groups where the cricket was to be played, he could see the back of Miss Heywood as she swiftly left the tea tent. Their was no mistaking her unpinned hair beneath her bonnet. He just had to get through this match and they were to depart in Crowe's carriage. It wasn't that big a challenge he hoped. She would be there as an observer and maybe assist with the refreshments along with Mary and Diana. He need hardly speak to her at all if it went to plan.   
He joined Arthur as they waited for the rest of the team to gather. Sidney could see Mrs Griffith's and her young charges arrive and Miss Heywood joined them and spoke privately to Georgiana briefly. It was obvious that their friendship had strengthened since he had been away and the look she gave him as she passed him by, was one that spoke volumes. He was not forgiven and she thought very badly of him.   
So be it, he thought, that was a pattern of how his life seemed to be laid out. He felt deep emotions for someone and then they turned on him and with their rejection his heart shrivelled a little more. He was going to become stronger after this lesson and by moving away he was going to become a better man.   
As the time ticked away to the start of the cricket match and the opposition had still to make an appearance, the rest of Tom's team were making sounds about leaving. While Sidney would be happy to leave for London as soon as possible he was disappointed for Tom's sake and all he had arranged for today. When Lady and Miss Denham appeared he knew there would be no moving Babbington. As they stood around waiting, Sidney couldn't help keeping track of where Miss Heywood was at any given moment. It wasn't a conscious thing, it was just habit. A habit he was determined to break, as every time he saw her, he felt it to his very core.   
At last, the workmen appeared through the dunes, with Young Stringer leading the way. Sidney felt a growing dislike for the man yet couldn't pinpoint why, with the exception of how he and Miss Heywood seemed to be friends or maybe even more. If that was the case, then it wasn't dislike but jealousy that he felt. Sidney couldn't wait to get bowling a few balls his way and having a bat in hand to deal with the frustration he felt.   
After a confusing exchange between Tom and one of the workers about a potential prize for the winners of the match , the coin was tossed and the match began.   
The men all went to discard their coats, Babbington made a dash after Miss Denham and Sidney took the chance to have one more port before taking up his role as bowler. He saw and heard a flirty interaction between Young Stringer and Miss Heywood. They were so close together as they spoke he thought she was going to help him disrobe. Their coy glances and smiles hinted at what Sidney had suspected, they were more than friends. As she turned away from Stringer her face was lit with a broad smile that immediately dimmed as she made eye contact with Sidney. He was only torturing himself by watching their interaction. Not long ago he had hoped she could be like that with him. He thought she would've ignored him and walk on by, but she yet again surprised him "good luck to you too, Mr Parker " but she didn't stop there, " although I imagine you don't think you'll need it" she really had a poor opinion of him, with arrogance obviously now on his list of sins.   
"Yet more assumptions Miss Heywood?" He couldn't help trying to point out to her that she had him wrong, and by the look on her face perhaps she was rethinking some matters.   
As Sidney took his position to bowl against Young Stringer, he glanced back to where the crowd sat and watched. Of course his eyes were drawn automatically to where Miss Heywood sat amongst them. He was going to try his hardest to show her that he was a fair sportsman, if nothing else. His athletic prowess had been admired in the past and in his cricket whites he felt his appearance was impressive as it could be. Earlier, Babbington had teased him that at least he wasn't naked, like the last time Miss Heywood had seen him at the beach and had been terrified of the sight. He really regretted telling them of that event. He wasn't sure if she watching him or Stringer but he put her from his mind and made his run up. Concentrate on the game, he told himself, put her from your mind, you're done.   
As the game progressed he found Young Stringer a formidable player and caught plenty of smiling exchanges between him and Miss Heywood. They were far from subtle and verging on disgraceful in his opinion.   
As the game progressed the sides changed over and it was coming to a stage where the outcome was to be decided. It was Tom's turn to bat and Sidney was still in the running. Young Stringer's first bowl was a fierce one, that came very close to hitting Tom in the head and with that, there was an increase in tension among the workers' team. The second bowl hit Tom in the leg and Young Stringer called him out. Reverend Hankins was very slow to make the official call and the workers' team felt they had won as a result. Tom denied being put out which caused the existing tension to rise even further. Sidney felt obliged to get involved, even though he believed that Tom had been bowled out fairly, but his family allegiance was a habit. The accusations that were being thrown at Tom were awful, yet when Young Stringer announced, loud enough for all to hear, that the men hadn't been paid any wages in weeks, Sidney felt sick to his stomach. From the look on Tom's face, Sidney could tell the accusations were true, and he stormed off. Sidney rushed after him to try and continue the game when, eventually, Reverend Hankins changed his call to 'not out'. A hush had fallen across the crowd. Sidney also noticed Mary get up and leave.   
As the gent's team had used their full team, and with Tom storming off, the game was at an end, even though the called had been reversed.   
"I'll play" came a call from the crowd, from a definite female voice. As Sidney looked to see who had made the offer he saw Miss Heywood come forward. The smile that came across Young Stringer's face was sickening, Sidney thought. Was she volunteering so that she could get closer to Stringer? Was she doing it for Tom's sake? Why was she prepared to open herself to public ridicule?   
When Reverend Hankins made objection to her partaking in a gentleman's pursuit, she refused to be put off, with her reminder that she came from somewhere else, where rules of female behaviour were not as they were in Sanditon. Sidney thought it must be an interesting place. Willingdon, where the women were feisty and played cricket.   
As Miss Heywood came close to the two teams, she met Sidney's stare with a look of appeal in her eyes. He felt he could not refuse her and agreed for her to take Tom's place. He handed her the cricket bat, and hoped she took it as an olive branch, as he meant it. He was supporting her in her public challenge and appreciated her appearance of defending Tom in this manner. He tried to convey it all in the look he gave her and there was a slight nod between them both that maybe indicated it was understood and a truce was called.   
As the teams retook their positions for the match to resume, Miss Heywood dispensed with her spencer and revealed quite a low cut dress. not the most suitable garment for swinging a bat and running up and down a beach. Sidney was getting quite an eyeful as she took her position to bat. He felt the need to come closer to her and give her some directions, he was more determined than ever to win this match and defeat James Stringer. Stringer's team, he meant. It wasn't personal. Well not entirely.   
"Keep your eye on the ball" he wished he was going to be able to keep his eyes on the ball, she was very distracting.   
"Thank you. I know what I'm doing"  
"If you can't make the run, just stay put" as he heard himself point out the obvious, he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. She would think him an imbecile if he continued.   
"Yes thank you. I know exactly what I'm doing" she was making his mind into mush and his knees weak. That was what she was 'exactly' doing. His admiration for her confident manner ratcheted up in small increments but this display of bravery was something he couldn't imagine any other woman doing. She really was incredible.   
"Now please, I'm concentrating and you're putting me off" she replied.  
Sidney wondered how he was putting her off? If anything it was the other way round. He was talking nonsense and felt out of sorts as he faced her. Could she be feeling similar? She claimed it was he who was putting her off! There was no sign of Young Stringer holding her attention in this instant, she was totally focussed on him. Could she have feelings for him even though she still had a level of frustration in her voice when she spoke to him? he felt a glimmer of hope ignite in his chest.   
Young Stringer's bowl to her was underarm and still she connected with it, with enough force to allow them both to exchange ends. All of a sudden Sidney was enjoying the match. The crowd cheered them on as they ran past each other. The smile, on her face was contagious and he felt his own face open with its own smile. As Young Stringer returned to take his next bowl, Miss Heywood and he exchanged a brief flirtatious smile which gave Sidney a reality check . He had missed his chance so why was he feeling hopeful again? Would he never learn? Was he so bewitched by her that he only needed a glancing smile and he jumped to attention like a begging dog?   
As the game continued and both Sidney and Miss Heywood clocked up more runs, there was a distinct possibility that with Charlotte's help the gents could actually win the match.   
Sidney continued to be delighted in her, even though the flirting between her and Young Stringer continued.   
Perhaps they would be a better match, he thought. She would be a supportive and loving wife, who would be treasured by any man lucky enough to share a life with her. To watch her be a mother to their children. To be there at the end of a day, to listen and comfort a man. It was all Sidney had ever wished for, but he now knew it wasn't going to be Charlotte in that role for him and maybe it was going to be James Stringer, who would be in his place in all those dreams. He hoped that Young Stringer knew how lucky he was if he did win her hand.   
It was the final run to win the match and even though Young Stringer could easily have bowled her out, he threw yet another easy shot and allowed her to make the final and winning run. The man was totally enamoured with her. It was obvious to all, in the way he grinned and watched her every move as she beat his team and he had allowed it.   
"Was that a smile I detected?" Charlotte asked as she met Sidney in the middle after they had been declared winners. She was glowing from her physical exertions and her happiness in winning. There was a teasing tone in her question.   
"Oh I doubt it" Sidney replied. In fact, he had been smiling since she joined the game. He might even had allowed a genuine laugh to escape once or twice.   
He wanted to compliment her, hug her in gratitude for helping Tom and for being, just magnificent. She was more than magnificent but words failed him.   
They remained in silence for a moment, both looking into each other's eyes. He wondered should he stay and make another try to mend their relationship, try becoming friends at least? The look she had on her face was one of confusion but was a good deal warmer than it had been earlier. He felt some hope.   
As Sidney joined the rest of the team in celebrating their win, he turned back to check on Charlotte and saw her having an private moment with Young Stringer. He couldn't hear what they said but he could see as she handed over the cricket bat and how he held it, as if she had handed him her heart, that Stringer was as bewitched as he was. Miss Heywood, though, didn't seem to even realise that she had two men hanging on her every word and hoping for the smallest of glances to brighten their days.   
As Charlotte joined the team to receive her praise, Sidney found a moment to congratulate her.   
"Well done, Miss Heywood" it seemed inadequate but he felt it was going to be the start of this next stage of their story. He had decided he was going to stay and try again. Only a fool would, leave and give someone like James Stringer an open field, to snatch her away. He wasn't going to give him a home run with Miss Heywood.   
"Thank you" she replied in a very mellow and encouraging way.   
It was game on, Sidney thought.


	9. Old London Town - part one

"Mr Parker ! It's Miss Lambe! I've lost her! I can't find her anywhere!" cried Mrs Griffiths

"What?!" replied Sidney. How much trouble could one young lady cause? Just when he was hoping to make amends with Miss Heywood and get their friendship back on course, he was now going to have to rally around to deal with another crisis caused by Georgiana. 

They all gathered their things and headed back into town to see where she might have gone. Sidney had already noticed Miss Heywood race off from the beach before any of the rest could even register what was to be done. 

After spending more than an hour checking all possible locations, Sidney and Mrs Griffith's had returned to her boarding house to review the next step. Sidney was struggling to cope with the worry. This was his worst nightmare. Bad behaviour was one thing but for her to disappear to God knows where, was stomach churning. He had a flashback to the panic he had endured when both Georgiana and Miss Heywood had been thought missing on a previous occasion. But Georgiana was alone this time. He paced to try and calm his temper and found himself praying that the matter would be resolved quickly as it had previously. 

Miss Heywood appeared and was obviously as distraught as Sidney was. 

"Georgiana has disappeared off the face of the earth. No one has seen her anywhere." Sidney could feel his pulse pounding as he faced Miss Heywood, hoping that she would have some news of her whereabouts. 

Before she could say much Mrs Griffith's cried,  
"Mr Parker ! There is some news of Miss Lambe " as she led Young Stringer into the parlour. 

He relayed all the information he had about what one of the workmen had seen.   
Throughout his retelling, Sidney noticed that he frequently looked to Miss Heywood and she hung on his every word. 

When she interrupted to enquire if Miss Lambe's abductor was black, Sidney felt his heart sink. Not Mr Molyneaux again. What had been plotted this time? Miss Heywood must be, yet again, involved in planning another tryst. At least there was a known quantity with Otis Molyneaux. 

When Young Stringer went on to mention two men and how she was manhandled into the carriage, Miss Heywood's distress stemmed to increase. Sidney could feel the tension radiating from her. 

To Sidney that didn't sound like a planned romantic rendezvous with Otis Molyneaux. His heart sunk and he struggled with the level of panic he was feeling. This was a much worse scenario. 

He thanked Mr Stringer and as he took his leave Sidney couldn't help but watch Miss Heywood as James Stringer left the room. She was almost frozen in place with distress. Had she missed the lovesick look James Stringer had given her? Was she oblivious to his feelings or was she just so concerned for Georgiana?

When only the two of them were left in the room he turned to Miss Heywood to get the truth from her, as far as her involvement went, for she knew too much and had asked very pertinent questions of Mr Stringer. 

"You know something don't you?" Sidney was hoping that her involvement was minimal so that he could easily forgive her, but on the other hand, he hoped she knew enough to resolve the matter easily. His heart was being torn in two. 

She was struggling to control her emotions as she stalled and prepared her answer. 

Her confession of her role as go between almost made him cry. Did she not know the threat of potential harm, Georgiana, was constantly under? Was she so naïve an innocent? Sidney had not hid Miss Lambe away in Sanditon for the fresh air! Had he not made that clear to her?  
He was trying his best to keep his temper. He had promised himself he wasn't going to end up shouting at her, again.   
She tried to defend her actions and went on to reveal her knowledge of their plan to meet during the cricket match.   
When she revealed her intention to chaperone the pair, but had forgot due to her involvement in the cricket match, Sidney could feel his temper bubble up to explosive levels.   
"You forgot? YOU FORGOT!" He roared at he,r so great was the red mist of rage that engulfed him. Had she had any other excuse he might have managed his temper but saying she 'forgot' made it sound like such a trivial matter.   
She was already in tears and shouting at her was not helping. He managed to get a handle on his temper but if he had to stay in the room with her another minute he might explode again, so he decided to make a quick exit. He needed to get on the road to London as soon as possible. But before he left her he felt he had to clarify to Miss Heywood the seriousness of her actions.   
"If anything happens to her, anything, it will be on your head. Do you understand me? "

He made a quick retreat to the hotel, where Babbington and Crowe were easily rounded up for them all to return to London.   
As they made their way back to the capital, Sidney filled them in on what had taken place.   
Unfortunately Crowe was full of possible scenarios about what could've happened to Georgiana and none of them ended well.   
Sidney became increasingly concerned and realised his own ultimate responsibility in the matter. He recollected his lack of care for Miss Lambe and how he was delighted, earlier in the day, as he announced he was to be taking his leave of Sanditon and was going to leave her totally in the care of Mrs Griffith's. He should've learned his lesson form the last episode. She needed full time attention from someone who would be strict and firm with her. She wouldn't have deceived him so easily. He said as much to Crowe and Babbington, and was surprised when Babbington laughed in his face.   
"Do you forget how you were Parker, as a young man? You weren't beyond plotting and planning your own romantic trysts. You even involved me in a few of the more daring lies. Miss Lambe is no different from any other young woman, who believes herself in love"   
Sidney paused in contemplation of this matter for the duration of quite a few miles.   
"If only Miss Heywood had not helped her, this could not have happened!" Sidney declared, confident in his applying some of the blame at her feet.   
"Miss Heywood.....yet more Miss Heywood. God Parker! She's all you talk about these days. Do you even realise it? You scold and criticise her but you seem to have a definite obsession with her" replied Crowe .  
Sidney felt his face redden. Had he really been so vocal about her? He had thought his feelings had been well hidden, especially to someone like Crowe, who was normally so drunk that his whereabouts often confused him.   
"Indeed Crowe. I've noticed it also. A very definite change of behaviour and attitude when Miss Heywood is around. Tell me Parker, did you have another heated conversation with her? I had heard you were seen shouting at her, in the street, not so long ago. Is this true? Has she got you so roused up that you forget your manners? All this passion that she unleashes in you....where might it lead? The only other couple I see who behaves like that are the parents of nine children, so much makeup sex occurs. They would admit to anyone that their passion knows no bounds. They're quite scandalous in their behaviour a lot of the time."   
Babbington's teasing was giving Crowe much entertainment but Sidney had to admit there was a certain amount of truth in what he was saying. No other woman raised in him the passion and desire he experienced around Charlotte Heywood. His fluctuation of emotions was a new experience to him and he knew not what way to turn. All he did know as they drew closer to London was Georgiana was his priority now and Miss Heywood was somebody he was going to have to keep away from Miss Lambe and himself. 

The first place to find was where Otis Molyneaux lived, and that was found after making some enquiries, of those who had previously informed him of the questionable behaviour of Molyneaux, before they had quit London for Sanditon. When there was no sign of him there, he was heading towards a suggested public house that he frequented, when he came upon a scuffle in an alleyway. As the lighting was poor Sidney could only see that a female was being accosted and without any thought of his own safety he took relish in striking the brute with quite a bit of force. His anger was getting an outlet at last. There was a flash of a knife in the moonlight but Sidney managed to strike a significant blow to scare the blaggard enough to run off. The lady who was being attacked had fallen to the ground during the altercation and from her attire she was a gentlewomen. A foolish woman, to be unaccompanied in this part of town and at this time of night, he thought fleetingly. As she raised her head so that he could see her face, his blood ran cold when he looked into the face of Miss Heywood. Could it really be her? In London? Almost getting stabbed to death? Or worse even? 

He was already seething with anger at being unsuccessful in locating Mr Molyneaux, but the adrenalin was still rushing through him as he realised how close Miss Heywood had come to being seriously harmed. He was brusque and angry as he escorted her to his carriage. He could not afford to be sympathetic to her as he wished, he needed to keep his anger if he was going to put her from his life and keep his heart intact. He couldn't hold her in his arms and comfort her after such an ordeal. He really wanted to roar at her about her safety and how he would die if anything had happened to her. But he needed to keep that stern front for her to see, to make her think he was, as he always was, disapproving of her. He needed to bully her to safety, for this was not a safe place for an innocent like her. 

When she admitted that she had left Sanditon without the knowledge or permission of Mary, he was stunned. Why would she do such a thing? Why would she put herself in such danger? Had she no thought of her own safety and reputation at all? The level of bravery was impressive or was it just foolishness?

"I thought I'd come here to help" she admitted.   
He scoffed at her notion but as she shared her actions since arriving in London, he had to admit she had been quite successful in making progress on her own, but she was still unsafe. He tried to assist her into the carriage but she was still unwilling to take a step back in finding Georgiana.   
"I am in large part to blame for what has happened. You must allow me a chance to help put it right ....please" she looked at him with such a pleading face that he struggled to deny her. He had placed the blame on her and now she was trying to put things right, how was he to let her do that and still keep her safe?   
"You've done enough", he replied, hoping she would feel herself absolved and be content to go to Bedford place where Tom would look after her. He looked into her eyes and hoped she could tell that he no longer blamed her, that it was his fault and his responsibility to find Miss Lambe. He hoped she couldn't tell that he was on the verge of pleading with her, to take pity on him, as he wouldn't be able to concentrate if she was not safe and sound. After a tense moment, she climbed into the carriage and Sidney could feel himself relax, slightly.   
He entered the carriage and was still so preoccupied with all that had happened that they were already underway when he realised he was seated beside Miss Heywood. This breach of proper manners would've been too awkward to change, so he remained, as they were close to Bedford place and the journey would be short. Miss Heywood didn't seem to realise the discrepancy either, for she chose to remain seated and there wasn't any hint of embarrassment at their close proximity.   
Little did he realise that Miss Heywood would not allow such a faux pas to silence her either, but it seemed to actually make her voice her opinions even stronger.   
As they sat shoulder to shoulder, frequently bumping into each other as the carriage travelled along the cobbled streets, Sidney took some perverse delight in looking deep into her eyes and conversing with her in an intimate manner. Any closer and they would've been closer than a husband and wife, or lovers.   
With every accusation she threw at him he could feel her breath in his face. His hand touched hers at instants, where they lay between them and at another time it would've been ecstasy for Sidney, as he was living some of his dreams. However, there was no desire or compassion in her face. 

Miss Heywood threw many accusations at him and Sidney could not help defending himself. He wasn't going to allow any miscommunication with her this time. He made it clear just how much of a threat Georgiana was under, how he was never a racist and abhorred slavery. He laid it all out, in black and white for her. He could tell she was realising her mistakes from the look upon her face. She had probably never encountered an unwed lady with such a fortune, that would actually pose a kidnap risk, so her naïveté was understandable. He had to remember she had only recently come from a small village, where he presumed everyone knew everyone else and deception was of a minor kind, not like the machinations and plots of a place like London. He felt much regret in not explaining things to her at an earlier occasion. She really could squeeze his heart with just a look.   
When she wisely refocused on their task and made a suggestion to aide in the recovery of Georgiana, Sidney was mad at himself for getting so side-tracked in his thoughts of Miss Heywood. His sarcastic and angry mask slipped into place easily.   
Her information about the Son's of Africa struck Sidney as an inspired suggestion and immediately instructed the driver to change course. As they exchanged looks all he could think to himself was 'what am I going to do with you ....Charlotte?'

It took a short while to find the exact location of the meeting room for the Sons of Africa and luck was on their side, as when they arrived a meeting was still taking place, with Otis Molyneaux speaking from the platform. His shock at seeing them seemed genuine and when they spoke to him about Georgiana, he was stunned that she might be in London or that he might have anything to do with her disappearance. When Sidney confronted him with the arrangements that were contained in the letters, Otis seemed baffled but Miss Heywood intervened with the information about someone else collecting his mail. Otis seemed to come to a realisation when he became aware that someone had intercepted his letters and had acted upon the information they had contained. He struggled to admit his debt problem and when he revealed the name of his debtor they were able to at least take another step closer to finding Miss Lambe. 

They were only a few minutes from Beecroft's rooms and went there with utmost urgency. Sidney had dealt with Beecroft many years ago and knew he was far from an honourable business man, so he was already dreading the meeting. The reality wasn't much better. To realise that Molyneaux had used Georgiana's name to extend his borrowing power sickened him, to hear that he had intended marrying her to get her money, only confirmed Sidney's worst opinions. If only Miss Heywood could hear this, Sidney thought, he was right all along and she was far too trusting. When he pushed for the whereabouts of Georgiana and was told that she had been passed along with the promise of all Molyneaux debts being paid, Sidney almost lost control of his temper. But he knew that Beecroft would use anything against him, even use his desperation to extort money out of him, so he tried to keep a lid on it. And it was more important to get a name, than exert his anger at this point. 

When they left Beecroft's office, with at least a name, Sidney felt a glimmer of hope but the behaviour of Molyneaux as they explained the situation to Miss Heywood made his temper flare again. The look of confusion and bewilderment that crossed her face made Sidney turn away in frustration. If she weren't here he would sort out Otis Molyneaux once and for all. When Molyneaux blamed Sidney for not letting them marry, he snapped, and grabbed him by the throat, thrusting him against the wall. He would gladly beat the living day lights out of this man if it would resolve the problem they were now facing. Georgiana was in the clutches of a stranger who had bought her, again all for the sake of her fortune.   
The sound of Miss Heywood pleading for him to stop, got through the noise of blood rushing through his veins.   
"Stop. What good will that do?" she whispered. When Sidney glanced at her face she had that pleading look again, the one that could make him do anything she wanted.   
He reluctantly released him and ordered him away. Sidney hoped he never saw Molyneaux again, but he had hoped that before and now look where they where! 

Miss Heywood was adamant that they needed to continue in their search and even though they had a name the thought of chasing them to Scotland was a disheartening one, especially if they might still be in London somewhere.   
Miss Heywood contemplated the information they had and found reason to presume that with only the promise of payment Georgiana might still be in London. It was at this moment that Sidney remembered Beecroft's other business, a boarding house for a specific clientele. 

This time when they entered the carriage, Sidney was more mindful of where he sat. Miss Heywood seemed to more conscious of the seating also, as she almost had her back to him, so much was her anger at him. Sidney wondered why she was angry at him? He had listened to her. He had not tried to return her to Tom in Bedford place, he was allowing her to help. He hadn't admitted it to her, but she had been helpful. When he was losing his temper, she was listening and paying attention, using reason to make decisions instead of blustering about as he had been doing before she appeared. The ubiquitous Miss Heywood. 

"As I see it, he is a good man who has made one terrible mistake." Miss Heywood would not be deterred from defending a man who she hardly knew. She was really stubborn in her opinions, he thought, would she never learn?  
"He is an inveterate gambler. He has several debtors beside Beecroft." Sidney felt the need to give her all the information he had known of, for many months, just to clarify to her how wrong she was in her opinion.   
"Otis never meant to place Georgiana in harms way. Any more than I did." She replied. Sidney had to agree to himself that he did believe that Otis never intended for any real harm to come to Georgiana but his intentions were not honourable. Of that he was certain.  
"And yet you both did" he looked at her as she took on his reply and could see she felt the accuracy of his statement. He was at the verge of apologising to her when she defended herself by declaring her care for Georgiana, as if he didn't care about her. Could she not see he was being pulled apart, his nerves were wrecked and he was sick to his stomach with worry about Georgiana. He had searched London high and low for his ward and Miss Heywood still thought he didn't care. If he truly didn't care, he would be sitting in the hotel in Sanditon with Babbington and Crowe having a drunken singsong.   
"I've done the best I can by Georgiana" he defended himself.   
"No, at every turn you've abdicated responsibility. If you truly cared for her welfare, you would've watched over her yourself."   
How accurate she was in repeating his own thoughts, that he had only earlier that day.   
"It's a role I neither sought or asked for" as a defence he knew it was a weak one. He prided himself on being a man of his word and he had promised Georgiana's father that he would look after her. He was prepared to admit he had not wanted to bother himself with her care.   
"Of course it's not. Cause you're so determined to remain an outlier. God forbid you give something of yourself."   
Another accurate observation, Miss Heywood, he thought. His feelings for everyone were kept to the most superficial level, as he had learnt, in the past, that when he truly cared for someone they had the power to wound you, in a painful and long lasting way. Or they used that power over you, like Tom had done since he had returned from Antigua.   
"Please do not presume to know my mind, Miss Heywood", he hoped she couldn't read his mind, for if she did, he was in deeper trouble than he already thought he was. She had him assessed so accurately but did she also realise how much he loved her?  
"How can anyone know your mind. You take pains to be unknowable. All I know is that you cannot bear the idea of two people being in love" she was unrelenting in her punishment of him. At her mention of love, he thought she was going to confront him on his feelings for her and laugh at him for his foolishness.   
"And what do you know of love? Apart from what you've read ?" He cautiously asked, hoping that she might confess something of her feelings. Was she in love with Stringer and he was too late? Could she ever love him?   
"I would sooner be naïve than insensible of feeling. " He couldn't help but look at her, at the disgust that was on her face, as she threw that allegation at him. She truly believed he had no feelings. If only she knew what was going through his mind. If only she knew how his heart thumped every time he saw her, how his pulse raced in her company? If only she knew how she invaded his every thought and dream? His feelings were so out of control around her, he didn't know who he was anymore. He just wanted her to know that he did care, for her, for Georgiana, for his family. He cared too much at times and didn't know how to show it. He had been too long away from the love of his family. Too long amongst strangers. Too long as an angry, jilted fool that kept a mask of bitterness to keep others away.   
"Is that really what you think of me? I'm sorry that you think that. How much easier my life would've been if I were. " 

She was staring at him as if she'd never seen him before. There were obviously dozens of questions she wanted to ask him, but he prayed she wouldn't , not now anyhow.   
They had reached Beecroft's boarding house in Drury lane.


	10. Old London Town -part two

As Sidney stepped out of the carriage in Drury Lane he had some recollection of the usual scenes that could be found inside such an establishment. It was a long time from he was a visitor to such places and knew that Miss Heywood would be totally scandalised if she was to see what went on inside. It was for that reason, he was definite in his instruction for her to remain in the carriage. He could tell she wasn't best pleased, but it was for her own good. Once something is seen, it cannot be unseen. His plan was to be in and out of there as quick as he could, as his taste for such places had gone off long ago. When he was a younger man, he was able to get drunk and waste away many hours in this place and other similar places, but that was when he was trying to mend a broken heart. It was from such a place, Tom had dragged him, ten years ago, before he set him on his way to Antigua.  
Mrs Harris was quick to spot him, but she was a particularly efficient hostess and her delight to see him was probably due to when he had recently been in this establishment, it was to remove his unruly friend Crowe, and he was very generous, financially, when settling his friend's bill. She was always trying to tempt him to stay and partake of the entertainment, but he hadn't found a taste for such since he turned from Antigua. Well, not in London anyway. 

Before he could even ask a question of the hostess he heard at his shoulder.   
" Mr Parker, what is this place?" Miss Heywood had entered the boarding house, even after he had forbade it.   
" I thought I told you to wait?" He gritted out between his teeth. He was embarrassed for her to be in such a place, what she could see would mortify any young lady. He hoped she hadn't heard the warm welcome he had received. He didn't want her to think he was a frequent customer.   
" I decided against it" she replied, cheeky as you like.   
Why had he thought he could tell her what to do? She was her own person. All that he had seen of her, from their very first meeting, should've made him realise it by now. Attempting to keep her safe and protect her from her own self was a trying task. A sweet and innocent young lady was bound to be scandalised by everything that was going on around her and by what could be surmised from the sounds that could be heard in the corridors. Sidney's mind was being bombarded with images of Miss Heywood in various scenarios that he had witnessed in this very building. His reaction was starting to make him physically uncomfortable and he was glad of the protection provided by his hat. However, there was no sign of embarrassment from Miss Heywood. a look of curiosity, maybe.   
Mrs Harris queried who Miss Heywood was and by using his name, Sidney had to gulp down his embarrassment. What would she think of him?   
"You haven't made an honest man of our Mr Parker have you?"   
"Gracious no! I'm a friend of Miss Georgiana Lambe's" Miss Heywood was quick and most definite in her answer, Sidney thought. There was almost a tone of disgust in her reply. Was the thought of them as a couple so distasteful to her? It was a stab to his heart. Sidney was having trouble trying to move on mentally from all he had hoped for with her. He knew she didn't care for him but any glimmer of softness and he was right back at dreaming of her as his better half.  
"Is she here?" Miss Heywood cut straight to the point. Sidney watched Mrs Harris as she reacted strangely to the question. Her denial and swift exit of the room made Sidney even more suspicious and he grabbed her by the arm before she disappeared into some other room. When he applied some pressure on her she relented and gave them the information they needed. They were only half an hour behind Georgiana and her captor. He felt a lift in his heart, that was something a good team of horses could make up. 

As they made their exit from the boarding house Sidney realised Miss Heywood was not leaving as swiftly as he would've liked. She was taking time to study what was going on around her. Her look of disgust and confusion was something he hoped wasn't going to lead to questions, especially about his knowledge of such a place.   
"Is this your idea of love? Something to be paid for?" She asked. She was disgusted with this place and him it would seem.   
Sidney bit back in defence of his embarrassment and disappointment.   
They needed to hurry if they were to catch Miss Lambe's coach and she was taking the time to chastise him, for something that had always caused him shame. Did she not realise he hadn't been in such a place, as a customer, for over ten years? He wanted to tell her this but knew it would've been inappropriate , for she was nothing to him, despite all his hopes.   
"I don't suppose there's any point in telling you to stay behind is there?" Sidney could see her anger and disgust at him. She stormed past him to the carriage and he took a moment to relish the time they had ahead of them but also to wonder what she was going to accuse him of next. 

He realised it was going to be a lengthy journey before they would catch up with them and with only the two of them, without a chaperone, there was much that could result from this next excursion. With any other young lady, she would be safe from his attentions, but around Miss Heywood, Sidney was less sure of what he might do. Her dislike of him was her best defence and he was sure that wasn't going to lessen anytime soon. They had hours together, ahead of them and he thought it might be a chance for some truths and clarity. If he hoped to fix their relationship, he couldn't afford to waste this opportunity . He'd be damned if he was going to sit along with the driver for the whole journey. He would try to build some bridges at least. 

He climbed into the carriage and faced her as they made their way out of the city and headed north. For the first hour they barely glanced at each other. She remained staring out the carriage window, still seething with him, as far as he could make out. He was struggling with how to go about the repair mission he hoped for. In her present mood there would be no point in attempting any explanations or revelations, she might bite his head off. He thought it wiser to leave it a while, let her calm down. His own sense of shame kept his mind from saying too much of inconsequential chat, and he was no good at filling conversational gaps. It was something he abhorred. A companionable silence was much preferable, but that's not what this was.   
He studied her from time to time when she was entranced by the city sights and later the countryside. He took the time to notice her lips that were so expressive even when she said nothing. They curved and pinched and stretched according to her thoughts. He considered her whole face and tried to decide which feature was the one that made her stand out from all other women. He couldn't decide. It might be her nose, but then again her cheeks, but perhaps her eyes. He settled on the fact it was not just her appearance but her energy and compassion that made the whole package so irresistible . When she did find him watching her, he kept her glance for a mere moment before he felt the need to look away. She always seemed confused when she caught him looking at her, as if she had never seen him before or had forgot he was in the carriage with her.

At their first rest stop, he escorted her into the tavern and ensured she got something to eat and took a quiet movement before they recommenced their journey. He stood by her in a protective fashion and she frowned throughout.   
As he assisted her back into the carriage she reminded him she could look after herself.   
"You don't need to act as my bodyguard Mr Parker. I'm quite able to look after myself. I'm in no danger."   
"I'm well aware of that fact Miss Heywood. But while you are in my company I am responsible for your safety. It's a matter of great importance to me." He felt he had said too much, "as it would be for any young lady who was travelling in my carriage"   
He hoped that would be enough to give her some thought but put her off seeing his true feelings, for the moment. If she realised the danger she under from him, she might be more wary.   
This silence was giving him opportunity to repeat every conversation, remember every fleeting touch, and his imagination was having a field day. The fact that he now had a mental image of her in the boarding house, surrounded by such lascivious behaviour, merely added to his daydreams. He imagined that if Miss Heywood was one of the ladies who were on offer, in such a place, he would be bankrupt within a month, so often would he visit. He didn't dwell on the fact that others would see her, in the customary low cut dresses, as he was sure he would keep her so occupied, within her room, no one else would ever see her. A bump in the road brought him back to reality. 

He felt she had mellowed a bit and thought now would be a better time to put right some misunderstandings between them.   
After a while he blurted out, "I haven't been near that boarding house, since before Antigua."   
She was obviously shocked, at either the statement or that he had spoke at all. Whether she believed him was another matter. He hoped she did.   
"Where you go is no concern of mine Mr Parker. If you wish to buy affection that is your business" she haughtily replied, lifting her nose into the air.   
He chuckled at her reaction. 'Buy affection' indeed.   
"It was never affection I found Miss Heywood . Just a few hours of oblivion, in the bottom of a glass. What else took place was usually impossible to remember. The follies of young men with notions of heart break."   
He could remember the feeling of utter despair that had drove him to visit such places and it was likely to be clearly written across his face. He knew other young men frequently visited these places and treated the women almost as sport. But he had found cold comfort, just shame and painful hangovers, after such activities.   
"I had heard such places existed. Willingdon is not that cut off from reality. But I never thought I would see the inside of one. And I never thought people would be so blatant in their behaviour when inside. Some of the ladies were so...and what the gentlemen were doing was so..." She reddened as she was unable to finish her thoughts.  
Sidney smiled at her reaction.   
"I'm sorry you had to see that Miss Heywood. But I had tried to protect you by asking you to remain outside"   
"You ordered me to stay outside Mr Parker. I'm neither your ward nor your wife, to be told what to do. "  
"No, Miss Heywood. You are correct. And if you were my wife, I would never attempt to ever tell you what to do. That is not my notion of marriage" he gently added. Could she tell that his greatest wish was for her to be his wife?   
She studied him for a moment, the usual small frown upon her face. Sidney could feel himself smile as he studied his boots. What was she thinking? Had she ever considered his wife? Had she ever thought herself in the role? He thought back to when they had first met and he believed her to be hunting him down, as her husband. If only that had been the case, he would've been gladly caught by this stage.   
"What is your notion of marriage Mr Parker? I've never heard you give an opinion. I assume you'll want an obedient, young, well bred, titled lady, who adores your every word and worships the ground you walk upon. Someone who will stay silent and agree with your every opinion."   
Sidney couldn't help but laugh at her description. If it was possible to describe the opposite of what he wanted, she had managed it. What he wanted was opposite him in this carriage.   
"Miss Heywood. You couldn't be further from the truth. If I'm fortunate enough to win the heart of my true love, then I would worship her, and thank God to have her by my side every day. And I would enjoy every debate, every argument, every difference, that would keep us true to ourselves. Honesty and spirit is what I hope for in a marriage."   
He had hoped he hadn't alarmed her by being so blatant in his description of her.   
There was a confused look upon her face. Had she figured it out? Could she tell he was confessing his feelings to her? Was she going to make him be more clear, make him get down on his knees and propose? He'd gladly do it, he realised. 

"You almost sound like a romantic Mr Parker? Or are you making fun of me? Silly, naïve Miss Heywood. The frivolous country girl, who dreams of happily ever after, just like in her novels"  
"Not at all Miss Heywood. I hope happiness is not just the stuff of novels. Everyone deserves happiness. It is sometimes hard found, and harder to keep. I had almost given up hope of finding happiness. But such is life. It's most unexpected. "  
Miss Heywood said nothing in reply, but he could tell she was mulling over what he had said and he hoped she would leave it for a while. His emotions were too close to the surface and he was still cautious enough to want to keep the full extent of his regard for her to himself, to a time when he was more sure of her feelings for him. He wasn't as brave as Babbington.   
"And what of your ward, Mr Parker? When we do catch up with them, I hope you aren't going to condemn her to a tongue lashing and put her under lock and key for the rest of her life, as punishment for being in love?" She was most defensive of her friend and Sidney was glad for Georgiana.   
"No Miss Heywood. Again, you assume incorrectly. I care a lot for Georgiana, even though I fail to show it, I know. It has been a difficult time for both of us, since our return to England. It's a very different place from Antigua and her sorrow has been difficult to deal with. I know nothing of young girls, Miss Heywood. And Miss Lambe is very different from any young ladies I do know . Her fortune has even complicated things further. Can you not see how I have tried to care for her, Miss Heywood? I took her out of London as soon as I became aware of Mr Molyneaux and his association with her. And before you say it, if he hadn't such a reputation, as a gambler and drunk, I wouldn't have interfered as I did. You surely must realise by now, that her fortune will always cause her to wonder, if she's loved for herself or her money. It's a painful dilemma to have, but its hers whether she likes it or not and that's why I've done what I've done. Protecting her from the leeches of London was my priority, not her happiness. You are correct when you accuse me of not doing enough. I should've spent more time with her, paid more attention to her happiness. I apologise for that and will apologise to her, if we get her back"  
"We will get her back, Mr Parker. You need to be confident in that. You are her only hope. If you can't rescue her then nobody can. You've already rescued one damsel in distress today, surely you can manage another" she gave him a gentle smile. Her faith in his abilities was heart warming. 

It was now just after daybreak when they came upon another tavern and stopped to check on the progress of Miss Lambe and her captor. Sidney got out to make enquiries while Miss Heywood stayed in the carriage. He found out there was only fifteen minutes between the two groups, so he decided to take the reins for this last part. He instructed Miss Heywood of the plan and requested her to keep safe, as the going was going to be rough. She cautioned him on his own safety as well and Sidney felt that glimmer of hope light up again. 

After a while, as they rounded a corner, they caught a better glimpse of the carriage up ahead and Sidney pushed the horses on, so that this torment would soon be over.  
As they managed to pull alongside and Sidney jumped upon the other carriage he felt a mixture of anger and elation. He had saved Miss Lambe from definite ruin and yet he was the one to blame. 

As the three of them headed back towards London, Sidney found himself struggle with exhaustion. Fear had kept him going for almost twenty four hours and he gave in to sleep. As they stopped at a tavern to give the horses their rest, he felt a gentle hand upon his knee and upon opening his eyes he realised Miss Heywood was trying to get him to wake.   
"Mr Parker, are you well? We have stopped for some refreshment, would you like to join us?" The gentleness in her tone and in her eyes, made him happy and he instinctively reached out to cover the hand she had placed upon his knee.   
"Thankyou, Miss Heywood. It would be my pleasure."   
When he saw her look towards their hands and blush, he realised she was trying to remove hers but he was holding on. The sensation of their bare hands touching, for the first time, was better than anything he had ever dreamed of. Sidney couldn't help but smile. When he let her go and she smiled in return, he felt his heart bloom so much that he was afraid his chest would shatter. Maybe they had mended their friendship after all. Maybe there was hope still. 

The mood continued to be sombre on the final leg of their trip. As they were finally coming into the outskirts of London, Sidney was glad he had succumbed to sleep, so he didn't hear all the details of what Georgiana had endured, during her time held captive. When he had learned that she was unharmed with her innocence still intact, he was relieved and content. No doubt the two young ladies had discussed it all while he slept. They had also slept some but they had whispered very little to each other. They were afraid Sidney was only feigning sleep and both had studied him closely. Georgiana, confused in her feelings when she heard of his efforts to find her, yet still blaming him for keeping her and Otis apart. Charlotte, just confused by all that had been said and done. Sidney Parker was difficult to make out. 

When they finally reached Bedford Place Tom was surprised to see them but he was quick enough to realise from their mood something serious had taken place.   
Sidney escorted the two young ladies upstairs to the drawing room, so that they could wait while rooms were readied for them. Baths and some food was needed for them all, but Georgiana was his priority. She seemed shattered to Sidney. He'd never seen her so devoid of energy.   
"What will happen to Otis now? The debtors prison? Worse?" She quietly asked as he went to leave the room.   
"He's no longer your concern." Sidney replied. She should be glad of that, he thought.  
"After everything he's done, I can't cauterise my heart. I'm not you." He was almost happy to see that spark of anger in her but that comment hurt. Miss Heywood met his glance and they shared a moment of understanding. She knew how he felt about Georgiana, he just hadn't had a chance to tell her yet. Georgiana wasn't in possession of all the facts and he still hoped to protect her from the worst of it but he would have to suffer as a result .   
"At this moment your world feels undone. I know that. But you must put him from your mind. Or you will go mad" Sidney excused himself before his emotions escaped in the form of the tears he could feel gathering. 

As he recounted all to Tom he could feel a sort of depression fall upon him. It was in the retelling, he realised the seriousness of the situation and how badly it could've ended up. As Tom tried to brush the seriousness of it aside, Sidney got a reminder of how Tom never dwelled on negatives, always saw the way as forward, regardless of reality. An admirable trait at times, but not now, Sidney thought.   
"What's done is done" Tom claimed  
"How can a man begin to make amends until, he's willing to face his own faults?" Sidney had had much time to consider all his flaws, and with the inspiration of Miss Heywood, was clear that he wanted to make amends. He wanted her to think well of him.   
"That's why you came to London, is it not? To make amends?" Sidney tried to tell Tom he was there to support him.   
Tom denied this at first. Who was he fooling? Sidney had witnessed the fall out at the cricket match. Tom needed to be honest with himself. He needed to realise the mess he was in. If Tom couldn't see it for himself, as everyone else could see it, then he was beyond help.   
Finally he admitted he was in trouble, financial and marital.   
While it sounded even worse,than Sidney had imagined, he was heartened when Tom stated that the worst part was his marriage suffering. There might be hope for him after all. What a pair the Parker brothers were, Sidney thought.   
While Sidney could suggest fixes for the money and regatta issues, marriage was beyond him.   
"But when it comes to Mary, I'm of no use. I can't pretend to understand the workings of a marriage. But what I do know, is that I would do anything to be blessed with a wife such as yours. So you must do whatever it takes." 

Sidney took to his room, with the intention of getting some sleep, but his mind was full of Tom's problems, Georgiana's distress and as usual, Miss Heywood.   
If Charlotte was his wife and she lost trust in him, as Tom believed Mary had, he would be inconsolable. Trust and honesty was everything to him and he could see the same was the case for Charlotte. In that they were well matched.   
While Georgiana was distressed over her lost love, at least she was safe and being comforted by Charlotte. What more could anyone want? To have her arms around you, her soft words of support being whispered in your ear, a soft hand upon your head, cheek, back, arm....knee. Sidney yearned for her. He could tell she knew he was upset after everything and he got the feeling that she felt a need to comfort him. He had revealed so much to her in the past few hours, they had shared so much together, that it felt strange to be parted from her. She had been by his side or across from him almost constantly and he had not minded. He felt a bond and trusted her as a true friend and companion. He hoped it was not only felt by him. Charlotte, dearest Charlotte. How he loved her. The next meeting with her was going to be critical for him. Would she be sympathetic as he hoped or defensive as she had been.   
He drifted off, for only a while and was disturbed by images of Charlotte being carried off by a faceless man, being locked away in Beecroft's boarding house, always crying out for his help. These distressing dreams were not helping him rest, so he thought it better to give up on sleep and see if Babbington had arrived yet. He had also decided he had other business to attend to, if he was going to make amends. 

He went to where he now knew Mr Molyneaux lived and luckily he was there. After a long discussion and some pleading from Otis, Sidney relented and agreed to let him see Georgiana. He believed that there was some true affection for Georgiana and his innocence in her capture, but he still was not a fitting suitor for his ward. He had to make amends as well. The matter of his debts was not as bad as Sidney had feared and even though Otis was reluctant, Sidney settled them all. He had realised that Otis was very much as he was, once upon a time, though he was fortunate to have a brother like Tom, to help him out. Otis had no one and debts often snowballed out of control and he thought an investment in him was as good a gamble as many others. Otis insisted on agreeing a repayment arrangement, but Sidney was hopeful rather than confident that he would ever see his money again. They agreed to keep the matter private, just between them.

As they entered Bedford place, Miss Heywood was the first to see them.  
"I thought they deserved at least a proper parting" he hoped she recollected her own words when he used them. Did she realise that her every word had stayed with him? Her distress pained him that day and he was glad of having the chance to fix it. She had a look of surprise and confusion, but he thought there was some sign of understanding.   
As he escorted Otis into the room, where Georgiana had hidden herself, he could see her pain. He wondered if he had done the right thing, but he left them to their discussion. 

It wasn't long until Babbington arrived, waving an invite for a ball that evening. Sidney felt a small glimmer of happiness for Tom. He then realised Charlotte would be included in the invitation and he would be there to dance with her. His delight was obvious for anyone who cared to look. When she refused, he was deflated. He could see Babbington check on him, as she left the room. Was his disappointment that obvious or was Babbington just playing matchmaker?   
As Tom, Sidney and Babbington discussed matters of the ball and the plans for the regatta, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing. Tom was whittling on, as usual, and Babbington kept throwing glances his way, but he just stared into his glass, as if the bottom of the brandy was most interesting.   
"Miss Heywood was the initiator of the regatta idea, was she not Tom?" Asked Babbington. Sidney studied him to see what he was up to.   
"To a certain degree, I suppose you could say that. But I have put so much thought and planning into it since her first small suggestion, it is quite transformed." Tom replied.   
Sidney and babbington shared a smirk. Good old Tom, full of his own praise.   
"I believe we need all the help we can get for tonight, to promote the regatta, Tom. Anyone with a slightest knowledge would be essential to insure all guests hear of this marvellous event. Don't you think Tom? Especially Miss Heywood. "   
Sidney was increasingly suspicious of Babbington's intentions but if meant she went to the ball he didn't care.   
"Yes quite. We need all the help we can to spread the word but she had claimed she does not feel like going. What can I do?" Tom replied, not seeing the direction Babbington was leading him.   
"I believe if someone were to speak to her, encourage her, remind her of the benefit to Sanditon, she might change her mind"  
"Yes, yes, you might be right Babbington. I shall go now and persuade her. I'll be just a moment."  
"No, no, Tom. I have some questions for you about.....Lady Denham. Perhaps Sidney could go and let us discuss more important matters"  
"Would you mind Sidney?"  
"Not at all Tom" Sidney replied, as he got quickly to his feet. He glanced at Babbington "If I must. Thank you, Babbington, for everything. I'll see you tonight" 

When he went upstairs he found her in deep thought in the drawing room.   
"Tom sent me up, with the hope you might reconsider and come to the party tonight. The regatta was your idea after all." Sidney could feel his heart beating in his chest. Please let her change her mind and come to the ball, he thought.   
"Why did you pay off Otis debts?" it was not what he was expecting as her reply.   
"I came to the realisation that a good man shouldn't be condemned for one terrible mistake" again her own words were first to come to his mind and he used them. Could she see he was trying to make amends? Could she not use the same reason to forgive him, for his mistakes? Was he not a good man? Was he to be condemned in her eyes forever? Could she not think better of him, now that she knew almost all there was to know of him?   
"Mr Parker, I owe you an apology. I accused you of the worst type of prejudice.."  
The look of remorse on her face twisted his heart. She was too good for him.   
"I do not accept your apology" she seemed shocked at his reply. Had he acted wrongly again? He couldn't stop himself from stepping closer to her. He wanted to take her in his arms and silence her.   
"Why not?" She asked.   
"Because I'm the one who should apologise." He took a deep breath of courage and took hope at she still stood there and was listening to him. It was time to be brave and start putting his feelings out there. Let her do what she wanted with them.   
"I've done you a great discourtesy Miss Heywood. I've underestimated you."   
He hoped she would realise what he was truly saying and he wanted to say more but she looked stunned. He left her to contemplate what he had said but he kicked himself for,not making it plainer. His emotions had again come close to spilling out.   
What he should have said was 'I apologise for everything I have ever done that has caused you pain. You are a strong and wonderful woman who had been correct in your opinion of me more times than I care to remember. I will try to be a better man, for you.'   
That was what he should've said.   
Sidney Parker was a fool, in Sidney parkers own opinion.   
He was going to be much clearer in future, when he got the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 3 will be the ball


	11. Old London Town - part three

As he stood at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for Charlotte to appear, he thought she had changed her mind and was rapidly thinking of some reason to go to her and seek her out. Just as he was about to turn to Tom and express his concern, he heard her light steps coming down the stairs. His heart raced and his palms got damp, and that was before he even had a glimpse of her. When she appeared, around the turn of the stairs, he struggled to compose himself. She was a vision in gold. Her entire being seemed to be lit from within and he felt tears gather in his eyes had to glance down to try to dispel them. Oh how he loved this woman.   
She slowed as she met his stare. She had a puzzled look upon her face.  
Had he scared her with the intensity of his feelings? Were they obviously written across his face? Could she see from his expression that he was totally besotted with her?   
He was very conscious of Tom standing behind him and wished him gone. He wanted them to be alone when he told her of his feelings. He didn't need Tom interfering when he shared with her all that he wanted her to know, about his devotion.   
She smiled shyly and he could see she was unaware of the picture she made. She would put the most fashionable of London to shame.   
"Does it not suit me?" She asked. " will it not do?"  
"It'll do very well" he replied when he was sure his voice wouldn't give him away. He thanked his good fortune that he was the one who would accompany her to tonight's gathering. He would be the envy of every man, of that there was no doubt in Sidney's mind. He couldn't help but smile such was his delight and pride in her.   
He offered her his arm to accompany her to their carriage. Sidney had never felt so happy when she placed her hand upon his arm. She was willing to be by his side, at least tonight and that was enough for now. He was determined that he was going to have her know, before the end of the ball, that he was going to court her and what his intentions were. There was to be no more confusion. He was going to be brave, but in reality he could do nothing else. He couldn't hide his admiration any longer, it was too difficult to supress all that he felt.   
He helped her with her cloak and handed her into the carriage. He took his seat opposite her and only Tom was there with them, he probably would've declared his feelings on the way to the ball, but he had to be patient, a suitable time would come. It had to. His mind was made up.   
When they arrived at Mrs Maudsley's home he again made sure he was there to help her out of the carriage and he was going to make it plain to all when they entered she was with him. Soon enough all would know she was his, and he was hers. He wanted to take her arm and keep her close to his side for the whole evening but that would come in time. Patience, Sidney, patience, he told himself.   
When Crowe spotted them on their entry he was obviously quite intoxicated such was his level of welcome.   
"Who is this spellbinding creature? I demand you introduce us at once Sidney " Crowe was already in full flirt mode.   
"This is Miss Heywood, you fool" Babbington explained.   
Sidney noticed Babbington had a slight tone in his voice and it reminded him of how he thought there was a slight change in his demeanour earlier and he had meant to talk with him. Getting Charlotte to the ball had put that right out of his head but he owed Babbington a favour, for his assistance with Charlotte, and offering to help with whatever might be getting him down was the least he could do. But that would have to be later, he had other things on his mind tonight, that were much more important.   
"Miss Heywood, I would not have known you. The mask becomes you" Crowe responded.   
"Thank you Mr Crowe. If that was indeed a compliment" Charlotte replied. Sidney wanted to laugh out loud. What spirit and wit she had. He wanted to hug her close to his chest, such was his joy.   
"Well Miss Heywood, are you not glad you came after all?" Sidney asked, as he tried removing the lump in his throat with a swallow of wine.   
"I cannot say that I am" he was concerned to see she looked almost distraught. "I feel dreadful leaving Georgiana. At least I'm glad of the mask. I certainly don't belong in this company." Yes her mask, it merely highlighted the perfection of her lips and eyes. He wanted to spirit her away to a private area, to keep her from the view of others.   
"I don't think I do either. " if she wanted to leave he would gladly have turned on his heel, then and there, and escorted her home.   
"But this is your natural habitat is it not?" She queried. She really had the wrong impression of him still, with regards to this, at least.   
"Perhaps I don't truly belong anywhere. As you said, I'm an outlier." He wanted her to know that he did not desire or enjoy these events and when they were husband and wife he was content to be with her, just her. Again she seemed to be surprised when he quoted back something she had said to him. She must know by now he could recall their every conversation.   
They paused for a while and he allowed her a moment to take in all there was to see. The costumes, the masks, the décor, and of course Tom trying his best to spread the news of the regatta. It would seem with limited success. Sidney suggested they move through to the ballroom. A dance was a vital part of tonight's plan.   
"I cannot see how conversation is even possible when the room is so loud and everyone is on the move." She remarked to him.   
"No one is here for conversation. They are here to be seen. Once their presence is acknowledged, they move on to the next gallery." The shallowness of it all reminded Sidney of why her was happier as an outlier.   
As they struggled through the throng of guests and the excessive decorations, Sidney had opportunity to get extra close to her, so that he could be heard as they talked. He had flashbacks to his dreams, as she looked over her shoulder at him. Those curls, that beauty mark, those eyes. His pulse was racing.   
Patience, Sidney, patience, he told himself.   
"I think I would like to leave now too, with your permission" she stopped and turned to him, removing her mask. He could see she was uncomfortable. Whether it was the crowd or his attentions he couldn't tell. His heart jumped a beat. She couldn't leave now but if she left, he was going with her. To hell with Sanditon and the regatta.   
"With my permission? Since when have you required my permission to do anything?"  
He had to smile at her request for 'permission'. Charlotte had been her own woman since he first met her. Did she feel as if she belonged to him? Did she realise he would be upset if she left? Could she tell by his level of attention he wasn't going to be easily removed from her side? Why would she feel the need to ask his permission? He thought back to their conversation in the carriage, as they gave chase to Georgiana. She reminded him, only a ward or wife needed to do as he told them. Was she referring to this exchange? The look of confusion in her eyes made him wish for the opportunity to clear up any questions she might have.   
"I know, I'm too headstrong, too opinionated, too..." He hated to hear her criticise herself. He felt guilty for the part he had probably played in her low opinion of herself. He really had been a fool when they had first met. His cynicism and bitterness had damaged her spirit and he needed to correct her swiftly.   
"No, you're not too anything. Don't doubt yourself. You're more than equal to any woman here."   
Sidney struggled to keep his words appropriate for their setting. While he wished for them to be somewhere private, he was aware that there were plenty around who thrived on any gossip they could get or conjure up.   
When Babbington chose that moment to interrupt them, Sidney struggled with his reaction to push him away or escort Charlotte to somewhere quieter, where they could continue this discussion. He took a deep breath and was about to give a sign to Babbington of his ill timed interruption when he heard Tom call his name.   
He excused himself and went to Tom, before he could embarrass them all by being even louder. He left Charlotte with Babbington and went to his brother's side. He supposed he should make some small effort to assist in the promotion of Sanditon, otherwise, he wouldn't hear the end of it from Tom. It also gave him a moment to gather himself and get his emotions in check. Charlotte had reacted in a stunned manner to his last declaration. Her eyes were full of confusion and those adorable frown lines had reappeared between her brows. Someday soon he was going to take great delight in kissing away those frowns.   
What at last Sidney managed to get away from Tom and went to return to Charlotte, he could only see Babbington where he had left them. Sidney knew he didn't need to hide his feelings for her from Babbington. He hadn't discussed it with him, but his supportive actions were enough to let him know that he was aware and approved. He was a good friend.   
"She was feeling the heat of the crowd and wanted some air" Babbington said, before Sidney could even ask a question. They exchanged a look that spoke volumes.   
"What way did she go?" Sidney asked.   
Babbington indicated towards the private rooms, "good luck old man. Women are bizarre creatures but they're worth it" he had a half smile on his face.   
"Babbers are you quite alright? You're not you're usual ebullient self!"   
"Not now, Parker. Go and get her and let her know how you feel. "  
Sidney nodded and turned towards the direction Babbington had indicated.   
He had to glance into several anterooms before he heard her voice, along with that of another woman's. Trust her to strike up a friendship within the first circle of London society.   
He could hear her say "....if I should ever fall in love it would not be with a man like him"  
"My dear girl you cannot determine who you fall in love with. It is an affliction, like the measles." replied the strangers voice.   
While he was tempted to wait and hear what might be said next, Sidney felt compelled to return to Charlotte's side and any talk of love, was something he wanted between the both of them and soon.   
"Ah there you are. I was beginning to think you had made your escape" he interrupted.   
"Might I presume you're Mr Sidney Parker?" asked Lady Susan Worcester, even though Sidney had been known to her for many months now. He was even more handsome on closer inspection, she thought. She hoped she hadn't reacted to his name when Charlotte had mentioned it.   
"We were just discussing you" she added.  
Charlotte seemed on edge with the conversation and Sidney wanted to just get her onto the dance floor. He didn't want to encourage any further conversation that might delay their evening. He would take time later to consider why he was the subject of a discussion between Charlotte and the prince regent's infamous paramour.   
"Yes, Well I was just wondering if Miss Heywood would like to dance? If I'm not interrupting that is."   
He thought Charlotte paused a little as he offered her his arm and his heart stuttered in case she made an excuse to refuse him.   
When she placed her hand upon his, he felt the relief flow through him.   
He led her to the ballroom and as they waited for the current dance to finish, he couldn't help looking at her. He couldn't tell what she was thinking and she seemed to be avoiding looking at him. Sidney tried to keep focused on keeping a lid on his emotions, they were still in public and there were rules, that were even more restrictive in London than in Sanditon or Willingdon.   
Patience, Sidney, patience, he reminded himself.   
As they went to take their positions for the next dance, Charlotte seemed reluctant.   
"You do not need to ask me you know, out of politeness."  
"Its what people do at dances is it not? Dance!. Unless you'd rather not?"   
He was still unsure of her opinion of him. While things had greatly improved, he didn't want to do or say something that would set them back, yet again.   
"No, it's only, there are so many other ladies here you could ask." Her lack of confidence was surprising to him. The most competent and brave woman he knew and here she was wondering why he would want to dance with her, above all others. She really had no idea how magnificent she was. She was sweet and innocent and he hoped she stayed like that until she was his, forever.   
"But I don't want to dance with them." He looked deep into her eyes, praying that she could tell what he meant.   
She looked back at him with a certain amount of query but there seemed to be a slight change in her manner as they began to dance. 

As they met and parted, in the first part of the dance, he watched her closely, so that he could see if she was realising what he meant.   
She managed a few glances at him and he could feel a small smile upon his face. She was breathing deeply and the dancing hadn't even begun.   
Was she struggling with her feelings, as he was? The teasing and flirting nature of this dance had never effected Sidney as it was tonight. He clasped his hands tight together behind his back for fear he would clasp her, around her waist and never let her go.   
As the to and fro continued, he couldn't help but take a deep breath every time they almost touched. The candlelight from the chandeliers made her lips and skin shimmer. Her scent was surrounding him, almost intoxicating, but it was her nearness that had him entranced.   
As the dance progressed, she seemed to come to a realisation and was more confident in meeting him eye to eye.   
When he offered up his hand for the next stage of the dance, he took a chance and turned his hand outwards and she met him, palm to palm. His heart surged in his chest. He reminded himself not to pull her completely against him.   
Patience, Sidney, patience.   
They were still in public, although everyone else was starting to fade into the background. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. She looked up at him, into his eyes, then his lips, into his eyes again. If only she knew what she was doing to him. If only they were somewhere private. This was torture, but a delicious torture. Sidney wondered if the tremor in his knees would be obvious to anyone watching.   
As she put her hand on his shoulder and came close, he thought he could feel her heart beat in sync with his. As she slid her hand down his arm to take his hands Sidney felt a shiver run up his spine. He pulled her hands close to his waist and used them to bring her closer than he should, but the temptation was too great.   
As they crossed arms and moved in and out, away from each other, her lips came torturously close several times. He thought he was going to scream so much was the pain in his lower regions. He was going to cause a scandal if he didn't get his body under control. He took a large breath as he spun her around, chest to chest, with their connected arms over their heads. When she had her hand at his waist he thought he'd died and gone to heaven .   
Patience, Sidney, patience.   
The next part of the dance had always been a favourite of his, for it usually meant some space from his dance partner, but this time, he relished it for it suited his mood. He was bursting with happiness and energy and could see Charlotte was equally delighted to be taking a turn with him. This was the stuff of dreams.   
As the dance came to its end, they were locked together, waist to waist, palm to palm, gazing into each other's eyes. Sidney thought he could see his future in her eyes. He brought her hand to his chest and would've loved to hold it there a little longer. Could she feel his heart pounding? For it was hers, if she wanted it.   
He was so bewitched by her, he had failed to finish the final moves and wished they could stay there, just as they were, forever.   
When the music stopped and all the other couples parted, he came back to reality and remembered his manners. He had to clench his jaw to keep himself from requesting her to join him for another dance, but ideally to leave with him.   
He felt the prickly sensation of someone watching him and turned towards the end of the ballroom, where he saw someone he thought he'd never see again. Eliza. Mrs campion. His emotions were already wrung out and here was someone who had once meant so much to him. He was gobsmacked. Could it really be her? He hadn't realised she was even in the country, never mind in London. Had everything that happened over the past few minutes been a dream? Was he still dreaming?   
He turned to face Charlotte. She seemed real enough and the softness in her gaze made him happy and content. But the appearance of Eliza brought him out in a cold sweat. He had dreamed and yet dreaded this moment, for the past ten years. What was he going to do? What might he say?   
Tom chose that moment to request a dance from Charlotte and Sidney was so stunned that he didn't know what he was saying or doing. His head was spinning.   
The next thing he realised was he had walked towards the lady he believed to be Mrs campion. He needed to be closer, to be sure it was her and that it wasn't an illusion. He couldn't remember making the walk towards her. But here he was, face to face with his first love.   
"Mrs Campion?" He asked.   
When she turned to him and lowered her mask, he was sure it was her. She softly called his name "Sidney" and it all came flooding back to him. He was a young man again, with the world at his feet and not a worry to be imagined. He had to smile, she could always make him smile.   
"It's good to see you after such a long time Mrs campion. I hope you are well?" He queried automatically.   
"Yes ,Thank you, for asking Sidney. It has been quite a while since we last met, but then I've only recently returned to England from the continent."  
"Yes, quite a while, indeed. And did you enjoy the continent? I hope you weren't disappointed with the culture and fashions that you once spoke fondly of seeing?"   
"Not at all, it was most educational. Have you been yourself, Sidney.? You too, once spoke of a desire to tour the continent."   
"Alas, I have not yet travelled to the continent but I've only recently returned myself. From Antigua, actually. "  
"Yes indeed. Antigua. I had heard you had travelled there and was much surprised. It was not somewhere you had ever spoken of, Sidney"   
"No, it was not somewhere I had ever imagined I would end up, but such is life. It's most unexpected"   
Sidney felt he was starting to get too close to telling her how much she had hurt him and how her treatment of him had started a cycle of self destruction that resulted in him being glad to go as far away as Antigua. He needed to calm it all down.   
Patience, Sidney, patience.   
He returned to the usual pointless chit chat of common acquaintances and the great turn out, weather etc that he normally found so irritable but was glad of at this time.   
He glanced once or twice towards the dance floor where he automatically was able to locate Charlotte, still dancing with Tom, but there had been a noticeable change in her expression since they had parted on the dance floor. He felt guilty that he had left her and hoped that Tom hadn't said something to upset her, as she currently seemed to be. Part of him wanted to rush to her side and comfort her but he couldn't leave Mrs Campion unattended. He felt it would've been rude and while Tom and Charlotte were still dancing there wasn't much he could do. When the dance ended and Tom, along with Babbington, passed them by, he again met Charlotte's stare. She was definitely upset but for some unknown reason he felt he couldn't move from beside Mrs Campion. Perhaps it was habit. She had heard of the Parker family's promotion of Sanditon and was asking about it. Sidney felt obliged to answer her questions and he was aware that she was a very rich widow and potentially an ideal investor.   
By the time an acquaintance had come along and joined in the conversation, allowing Sidney the opportunity to excuse himself, Charlotte was nowhere to be found.   
A feeling of dread started to filter through his bones. Where had she gone? Why had she left? What had upset her? Had he ruined their chance to move on? Yet again.   
He started to panic and a feeling of guilt started to chip at his conscience.   
Patience, Sidney, patience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thought I would've got through these chapters more quickly but I get distracted during the re-watching


	12. Return to Sanditon

Sidney could barely keep his eyes open as the carriage trundled along the road to Sanditon. Babbington and Crowe were his travelling companions and were full of chatter about those they had spoke to at the ball, two nights before.   
Sidney was distracted by all that had happened, at the ball and what had taken place since.   
When he had realised Charlotte had gone missing in Mrs Maudsley's, he had searched high and low, before he had eventfully discovered that she had returned to Bedford Place. Tom had wanted to stay longer and continue to drum up more interest in the regatta, but Sidney was anxious to return home, and check on Charlotte. He spent most of his time with Babbington and they hardly exchanged a handful of words. In hindsight, Sidney thought Babbington seemed to be as preoccupied with his thoughts as Sidney was. They must've posed the picture of a wretched pair. he looked towards his long time friend and saw that he too was lapsing into deep thought.   
At one stage, while he waited out his departure from the ball, Sidney had went to replenish their drinks and had encountered Lady Susan Worcester again.   
"Mr Parker. I don't see your young friend, Miss Heywood, with you?"  
"No, my lady, she has retired for the night it would seem. I believe the crowd may have overwhelmed her" Sidney replied. He was conscious of the interest this conversation was causing amongst those around them.   
"A most delightful young lady, I believe you would agree, Mr Parker?"   
"indeed, my lady" Sidney felt an uneasiness with this topic of conversation. What had been discussed between the two ladies before he had discovered them?  
"Has she been in Sanditon long Mr Parker? Will she still be there, for the regatta I have heard of?"  
"She has been a guest of my brother's for some weeks now and I'm not aware of any plans of her quitting Sanditon before the regatta, at least."   
"Very good. Delighted to have met you and your young friend, Mr Parker. And I believe I may meet you both again, very soon. Do give her my best regards." Sidney nodded his acknowledgment and made his return to Babbington. He was desperate to have a conversation with Charlotte and if he remembered this request from Lady Susan, it would be a miracle. He had much to say to his 'young friend', if she was still even that. He had hoped by the end of tonight, they would consider themselves a lot more than friends.   
When they did make it back to Bedford Place, Charlotte was already retired to her room and it wasn't until the next day, almost afternoon, before he even got a glimpse of her. She had not appeared for breakfast, even though he was first to the table and had dawdled in the hopes of being able to see her then. Tom had then monopolised his time in the library, with the usual topic of conversation, the regatta. Sidney had thought he had heard her come down the stairs and made an excuse to leave, for a non existing meeting with Babbington and Crowe. When he had went through the rooms downstairs, looking for her, he came across a brooding Georgiana, in the drawing room. Every conversation opener he had tried with her, was met with a wall of silence but plenty of venomous glances. He eventually gave up and felt compelled to leave the house, to back up his fabrication and he was desperate for some fresh air and time to think.   
He took himself to Babbington's town house but was informed that he was not at home, with the time of his return unknown. It mattered not to Sidney and he was glad of the time alone to return via a local park.   
He was oblivious of his surroundings, so deep in thought was he. Many a couple had stepped out of his path, to avoid him, as he walked along, head down, scowl upon his face. At the sound of a shout of "Charlotte" he reacted as if he had been shot, his head quickly turned to see if Miss Heywood was near by. When he realised it was a mother calling after her young daughter he felt his shoulders slump. So disheartened was he, that he paused to rest upon a bench. As he studied the others strolling through the park, on such a fine day, he realised that all around him were happy couples, laughing or smiling at each other or their children. His feeling of despair grew. Would her ever find this happiness or was he cursed to be single forever? Had fate decided that he was never to be loved? Was he to always love those who deserved better and found it with someone other than him?   
He was about to get to his feet and return to Bedford place when his attention was drawn to the lone figure approaching him. Miss Heywood was in deep thought and was walking along, much as he had been earlier, not taking in her surroundings at all.   
Sidney felt a lump come to his throat and his pulse race. At last she was here, a vision in front of him and now was his chance.   
"Miss Heywood. Are you well?" He queried as she looked most sad and almost as if she was in pain.   
She almost jumped with the shock of being addressed, "Mr Parker, yes, no, yes...I mean I'm perfectly fine Mr Parker"   
Yes very fine indeed, he thought, the finest if truth was told.   
"I see we are of like minds today Miss Heywood. Enjoying the relative fresh air of London. But Sanditon is it not. I would welcome a bracing sea gale at this very moment"   
"Yes Mr Parker. London is not Sanditon." Her small smile was a poor effort and he tried another attempt to brighten her mood.   
"Have you had the chance to visit the pond in this particular park Miss Heywood. It often reminds me of that which is found in the grounds of Denham place. Let me assist you in that direction and I would be glad to hear your opinion on its situation."   
"thank you Mr Parker, but I must return to Bedford place. I promised Georgiana I wouldn't be long"   
"Of course. I'm going that way myself."   
Sidney watched her face as she struggled with her response. He was sure she was going to refuse his company and he held his breath. When she nodded her agreement he felt the air rush back into his lungs.   
As they walked, side by side, he could see her steal glances at him, and he couldn't help but look frequently in her direction . His mind was whirling with all the possible ways he could begin a conversation, that would remedy whatever had happened that had made her look so distressed before she left the ball. He decided to just be honest and up front so he began,  
"Did you enjoy the ball last night Miss Heywood?"  
"Yes Mr Parker it was an enlightening experience"   
'Enlightening' what did she mean by that? he pondered. Before he could get a handle on her choice of words, she spoke again.   
"And you, Mr Parker, did you enjoy the ball? I believe you were reunited with an old acquaintance last night. It's always satisfying to meet old friends and pick up as if you were never parted. Don't you agree Mr Parker?" She watched him closely as she brought up Mrs Campion. He hadn't thought of that lady since their brief exchange at the ball, such were his concerns for Charlotte.   
"Yes a very old acquaintance Miss Heywood. As for things being as they were after a long separation, I must disagree. A ball is never an ideal location for reconnecting with friends, but true friends would not leave such a meeting to a chance encounter. A true friend would keep in touch and would guarantee a meeting in more appropriate surroundings."  
Sidney had not known she was aware of Mrs Campion. He now wished he had taken the time to introduce them last night. His only excuse was that his emotions were in such turmoil that he hadn't been thinking straight. He hoped she realised from what he had said, that Mrs Campion was someone from his past and not a friend, as she was hinting at.   
"I always find, balls are ideal places to maintain nodding connections with people. Many of whom you would not wish to spend more than ten minutes conversing with. Social expectations in London and amongst the beau monde, are dependant on superficiality, as you probably realised yourself Miss Heywood" he continued.   
She had watched him throughout his rant and had those frown lines between her brows again.   
"I was concerned when I learnt of you leaving the ball so abruptly. Were you unwell or desperate to make your escape? With or without my permission? " he smiled at her as he tried to tease her. She smiled in return and he felt his heart lift.   
"I think everything that has happened over the past few days, just came over me, all at once. I was also still regretting leaving Georgiana all on her own. I didn't want to spoil the evening for you or Tom so I made my way home. I apologise if you were worried but I can assure you there was nothing you could have done that would've helped at the time."   
"Miss Heywood, please know that I would be delighted to be of any assistance to you, in any way, for any reason, in the future. I'm here to be of help and support, if you so desire. And before you remind me, I know, that most of the time you are most able at looking after yourself" he couldn't help but smile at her as he recollected every tense exchange they had had.   
She shyly smiled as if she too had remembered their past 'discussions'   
By now they had reached Bedford place and were surrounded by the rest of the occupants for the rest of the evening.   
It had been decided during dinner that Tom would accompany Georgiana and Charlotte on their return to Sanditon and he would travel with Crowe and Babbington. Sidney had hoped to return along with Charlotte and with whoever wanted to join them , but Georgiana had insisted on being with Charlotte and she had been clear in her continuing dislike of Sidney. 

"Parker, for lands sake, Parker! Are you dead? " cried Crowe   
"Yes Crowe, I'm most definitely dead and in hell if I'm hearing your dulcet tones" replied Sidney.   
He opened his eyes and looked towards Crowe "what did you want Crowe? Can't a man rest his eyes anymore?"   
"Were you too busy, with your lovely 'young friend' last night, to get any sleep, Parker?" taunted Crowe.   
"Do you ever think of anything else Crowe? Must your mind always be in the gutter?" Sidney tried to keep a blush from his cheeks, as he had been thinking of Charlotte as he drifted in and out of slumber. He hoped he hadn't murmured her name while he had dreamed of her.   
"We were just curious as to how you and Mrs Campion had got along at the ball? She is still as attractive as she ever was" stated Babbington.  
"More attractive with all that blunt, I'd say. And those married ladies are much more entertaining companions....from my experience anyway." chuckled Crowe.   
"Good god, your incorrigible Crowe" they laughed at the surprised look upon Crowe's face.   
"It was a short, amicable meeting. Nothing to report. She has just returned from travelling on the continent and queried about the regatta. Tom spoke to her later on before we left and encouraged her attendance. As a potential investor, I hope she does consider Sanditon worth a trip" Sidney wanted his friends to be clear on how things were unchanged between him and Mrs campion. it was strictly business.   
"I'd say she'll make the trip alright, Parker. But it's not the regatta or Sanditon, she'll be sizing up, it'll be you. I hear she's on the hunt for husband number two and that's why she has returned to London. I even heard her myself, discuss with her cronies, 'some wine improves with age and I want to drink my fill' and it wasn't beverages she was talking about. You may be on your guard, Parker, she's coming for you. I'd bet ten pounds on it" Crowe was the worst gossip he'd ever come across but Sidney was glad to be forewarned of Mrs Campion's attention.   
Thankfully, they began a different topic of conversation and Sidney was left in peace to return to his daydreams or more accurately, remembering his dreams from last night with the hope of finishing them. Never had he realised how tough it was going to be to share a dwelling, with Charlotte under the same roof. The night after the ball was bad enough. It was late when he and Tom had returned and while he should've been exhausted, Sidney had struggled to relax enough to sleep. Every word and glance from the ball had replayed in his mind. He tried desperately to figure out what had caused Charlotte's mood to change so drastically. When he did get to sleep, all that he could remember were the images of her smiling, spinning, holding him, glancing coyly at him as they danced, again and again and again. All those almost touches had been torture in real life, but in his dreams there were no rules of decorum to stop them. Every liberty he took in his dreams, was met and encouraged by Charlotte. It was just as he was dreaming of removing that gold gown from her, in the anteroom where she and Lady Worcester had been found, that he was disrupted from his sleep by the sound of the staff starting to prepare for the day.   
Last nights dream were no different. She was at times in the gold gown, at times in a bathing costume, but each time she was partially clothed. Always with her back to him. Always looking over her shoulder. He had placed his hands upon her shoulders and was kissing along her neck as she reached for his hands and brought them to her chest and was beginning to turn, when last night's dream had been interrupted. What had caused him to waken was at first unknown but the sound of footsteps passing his room might've been it. He rose from his bed and quietly exited his room. He paused to listen for any movement and could detect someone downstairs. He descended the stairs, as quietly as he could, for fear it might be Tom or Georgiana. If it was either of them he wasn't going to interrupt them but if it was Charlotte, then he would be glad of the chance to have another conversation with her.   
As he approached the drawing room he could see her in the glimmer of the almost extinguished fire. She was dressed in a fine muslin nightgown which almost reached her ankles and had a shawl wrapped around her shoulders as she sat upon a chair beside the fire and gazed into the embers. if she was to stand, Sidney was sure her body would've been almost totally exposed, so sheer was her gown.   
Sidney was glad he had taken the time to pull on his black leather britches along with his partially buttoned shirt.   
"Miss Heywood, I'm sorry for disturbing you, but are you well?"  
"Mr Parker...what....why....what"  
"Please forgive me. I heard someone downstairs and came to investigate. I thought if it was Georgiana, I might be able to give her some comfort. " he cringed inwardly at his falsehood. But he couldn't really admit that he had raced down, hoping it was her.   
"You're very good, Mr Parker. I believe Georgiana is very soundly asleep. Exhaustion and grief has finally caught up with her. I was awake and thought to collect the book I had been reading earlier, to try and keep me occupied." She indicated towards the book she had left on a small side table.   
"Very good idea Miss Heywood. There nothing like reading to put you to sleep or at least educate you while awaiting the land of nod. I find brandy to be a more effective remedy for sleeplessness. Would you like to join me in a small glass?" He moved closer to her as he continued to speak in a low hushed tone. The feeling of intimacy was enjoyable and he didn't want it disturbed. Charlotte had kept her back to him as they spoke and she now moved to sit upon the rug, trying to get the most from the remaining fire. That glance over her shoulder was doing things to Sidney. He really needed a drink.   
"No, thank you, Mr Parker, but don't allow me to stop you, if you wish" she replied.   
Sidney gulped at her wording, if she only knew what he had been thinking only moments before. He never wanted Charlotte to stop him in his dreams and she never did.   
He poured a small amount into a glass and took a seat beside her on the rug.   
"To your good health and happiness Miss Heywood" he toasted her and felt his gaze settle upon her. He couldn't take his eyes off her. She was even more beautiful now than she had been when she was dressed in all her finery for the ball. The flicker of the flames and the slumberous look upon her face made him smile. She must've felt him stare at her for she glanced towards him and away again too quickly. If she would only look at him a little longer, he would be able to tell if she was open to him continuing this conversation and maybe putting his plan back in action. She was staring at something with great intensity and Sidney suddenly realised it was his bare feet that had her so entranced. He didn't think they were worth that much attention but when he noticed her own feet he understood the appeal. Both of them, side by side, with their feet warming in front of the fire, spoke of such intimacy he could feel the tension rise between them. He experimented by wriggling his toes and when she gulped audibly, made him smile even wider. She tucked her feet under her nightgown and tugged the shawl even tighter round her shoulders.  
"This is nice Miss Heywood. A peaceful moment, between two friends, with no animosity, no presumptions clouding the air. Could we possibly maintain this cordiality? Or is it merely a glitch?" He couldn't help but tease her. The warmth of companionship he felt, was new to him and he was in a happy, playful mood.   
"Most definitely a glitch, Mr Parker. Perhaps there's a full moon tonight, to explain away this rare occurrence ." She smiled back at him. God he loved this woman.   
The sound of a door opening, in the basement, caused her to jump to her feet.   
"Please excuse me Mr Parker. I must return to my room" she dashed out of the room.   
Sidney also stood and placed his empty glass upon the mantelpiece. He was holding his head in both his hands when she rushed back into the room. Whatever she saw made her stop and stare, he was merely standing with the fire behind him. Her eyes were wide and her mouth hung open, she seemed stunned and her eyes darkened as she took a deep breath.   
"My book, I forgot my book" she whispered as she crossed the room to the table at Sidney's side. She paused as she lifted her book and looked into his eyes. She seemed to be about to say something when she changed her mind and left again, this time for good.   
Sidney was befuddled, to say the least. There had been a definite moment of tension between them and that was definitely desire on her face, when she had returned. He smiled as he returned to his room. He was looking forward to his return to Sanditon so much, that sleep had eluded him for the rest of the night.   
Sidney yawned again and wished the horses could get them to Sanditon a lot more quickly.


	13. The regatta - part 1

Sidney had decided to make amends for his previous behaviour and he was going to put every effort into making it up to Georgiana. What she had gone through would've traumatised anyone, but her spirit continued to appear to be broken and she was keeping to her room in Sanditon. Mrs Griffith's was very worried and when Sidney called to check on her he thought that best way for her to get over it all was to try and recover some normality. Get out and about, enjoy the weather, the sea air. He personally found a sea swim to be very therapeutic when anxious about life. He entered Georgiana's room and found her curled up upon the bed, obviously still enduring bouts of crying, if the tracks of tears on her cheeks were any indication.   
"Come, Georgiana, it's time you ventured outside" he said as he went to open up her bedroom window.   
"Leave that" she shouted. Sidney was momentarily at a loss for words. What could he say to this broken child, for that was what she seemed. No words could heal the pain she was going through and Sidney had accepted he was partially at fault.   
"I'm all too aware that I've fallen short as your guardian, but please believe that I'm sincere in my desire to make amends." He needed her to realise he knew he had been wrong and he was going to try to be a better guardian, a better person. He had realised he needed to share his feelings, his heart, if he was to live a full life.   
"Men like you cannot change" she muttered. It was like a knife to Sidney's heart. What could he do to mend this? Mend her? If he couldn't fix that which he had broken with Georgiana, how would her friend, Charlotte, see him as someone who had learned from his mistakes?   
He had sat long enough with Georgiana and had tried enough topics of conversation, to realise that he was making no progress in cheering her up. She was so dispirited she didn't even tell him to leave but he thought it was the best option for the time being.   
As he turned from closing her door after him, he came face to face with Charlotte. The very appearance of her cheered him immediately. She seemed a little alarmed at first. Perhaps she was remembering their fireside encounter, it had played a big part in his recent daydreams.   
"Miss Heywood"  
"Mr Parker. How did you find her?" Charlotte asked.   
"Ah, I dare say you'll have more luck." A visit from Charlotte would brighten anyone's day, he thought. He passed her in the narrow confines of the hallway and took an opportunity to breathe in her unique scent that always spoke to him of freshness and joy.   
"I, eh, I might wait for you downstairs, if you don't mind?" he asked. He held his breath as he awaited her answer. His impulsive request was spoken before he had even considered a purpose for his waiting, but he wanted, no needed, to be with her. If she wasn't with him he would be either thinking of her or seeking her out. He wouldn't let these opportunities pass him by. He needed to show her how he was making amends and wanted her to see him as he truly was.   
"No, not at all" she replied and he almost skipped down the stairs such was his delight. 

He had waited over fifteen minutes before she appeared in the drawing room. It had felt like hours, listening to the inane chit chat of those young girls, he could never remember their names, and the constant correction from Mrs Griffith's. He was starting to have even more sympathy for Georgiana and what she must've endured up to now. When Charlotte at last appeared he jumped to his feet and took his leave as swiftly as possible. They walked slowly side by side. Sidney needed to start speaking or she would think it strange that he had requested to wait on her.   
"Thank you Miss Heywood, for your continued attention to Georgiana. I'm concerned for her. I would appreciate your opinions on the matter." She gave him a quick glance and tightened her mouth as her familiar frown reappeared.   
"On this occasion I will listen to your advice, Miss Heywood. I have learnt, to my cost, that attacking someone's requested opinion is hardly the behaviour of a gentleman." He gave her a small smile which she returned. He had been referring to one of their first encounters, at the first Sanditon ball, and it was obvious she had remembered.   
"I've never seen her this dispirited. I am, of course, the last person she wants to see, yet how can I be a better guardian if she won't even talk to me?" He continued as they strolled through the streets of Sanditon. Sidney was content to do so and would gladly have continued all the way to London.   
"You must be patient with Georgiana. Every minute spent apart is....well you know how sharp the agony of separation can be" Charlotte advised, yet her reference to his knowledge of painful separation made him pause. What was she referring to? Could she tell that he hated every minute away from her side. Had she detected that he had concocted this meeting on the spur of the moment and was using Georgiana as an excuse to talk with her? While his concerns were genuine, he would never have sought out anyone's advice before, he would've pondered on any dilemma for several hours or days and then acted upon his own decisions. He was not a man who sought advice or shared his troubles. It was a habit that he still had from his time in Antigua.   
"Yes, I suspect you're right Miss Heywood. Although, fate has a strange way of surprising even the most jaded amongst us" Sidney replied, and hoped she understood his reference to how fate had put the two of them together, repeatedly. He was ready to bow down to the wisdom of fate and lay his feelings out for her to see. When the time was right.   
"You're not nearly as unfeeling as you pretend" she smiled up into his face. She was especially beautiful, he thought, when she smiled at him in this teasing manner. Oh how he loved this woman.   
"Well, if that is the case, I would ask you to keep it to yourself. I've a reputation to uphold. " he teased back. If she was the only person on the planet who knew him, truly knew him, then he would be content. The two of them, together, against the world, was a tantalising dream.   
"You're secret is safe with me" she smirked. He couldn't keep the smile from his face but at this point they had reached Trafalgar house and they parted ways. 

Sidney was sitting outside of the hotel when an impressive carriage pulled up.   
"Sidney Parker, how clever of you to be waiting to accompany me."   
He couldn't believe his eyes or ears as Eliza Campion alighted from the carriage. He stood automatically and offered her his arm as she climbed the steps of the hotel.   
"Mrs Campion. How surprising to see you in Sanditon. I wasn't aware you had decided to visit." He was stunned and struggled not to ask her 'what the hell are you doing here'  
"Oh Sidney, don't be so surprised. I did tell you I would visit when we last spoke at Mrs Maudsley's ball. I'm a woman of my word Sidney. " she seemed to stumble at the last bit as if she had said it before she realised who she was talking to. Her word meant nothing to Sidney. She had no problem breaking her promise to him. Her nervous laughter was very annoying and made Sidney wonder if she had always laughed like that or was he only now noticing her habits, without the veil of admiration when they had been but children. Her travelling companions had disembarked and were ordering their luggage get to be taken into the hotel. She didn't even introduce them to him nor him to them. Either he was of no consequence or she had rudely forgotten her friends.   
"Now Sidney, you must give me the full guided tour. I don't want to miss a thing about this place, where you spend so much of your time. I insist on every detail."  
"Of course Mrs Campion. It would be my pleasure" he struggled to think of an excuse to avoid the task. Tom had been most vocal about her potential investment. That was it, Tom would be his opportunity to escape her.  
"I believe to fully appreciate Sanditon we should begin with a visit to my brother Tom. He has a most magnificent model of the envisaged resort in his office."  
"Well if that is what you think best Sidney, then lead on. Your wish shall be my command." Her overly sweet smile was another thing Sidney realised he didn't much like. 

As they entered Tom's home, Sidney could feel his heart pounding and it wasn't the nearness of Eliza Campion that was causing it. Would Charlotte be here? Would she think he had arranged to meet Eliza Campion, after they had such a pleasant conversation this morning? Would she remember how he had clarified her query about Mrs Campion in London, in the park, she was an old acquaintance. If he was lucky, maybe Charlotte would be out and no explanation would be necessary.   
Tom's daughters went racing through the house announcing their arrival. Mary and Tom both appeared to meet their visitors. Eliza had latched onto his arm as she had stepped up into the house and she still clinging on. He could think of now way to remove her hand. Crowe was right, she was here to hunt him down.   
As Tom reintroduced her to Mary and they discussed the reason for her visit, he saw a movement from the side of his eye. There she was and the look of hurt on her face caused Sidney to grimace. He couldn't maintain eye contact such was his need to go to her side and explain the truth of the visit. He knew this would look bad. Here he was, standing with his former fiancée on his arm, still hanging on, as if he had arranged to bring her to meet his family. He looked at her again and prayed she could tell he wasn't happy to have Eliza on his arm. She was bound to know him better by now. But Charlotte continued to look confused and disappointed. His heart was breaking and what the rest were speaking of he had no idea. He tried to tune back into the conversation and when he couldn't help but look back to where she had been standing, she had disappeared. They discussed the arrangements and events included in the upcoming regatta and Eliza shared her plans to remain in Sanditon for a week. Sidney thought his neckerchief was going to choke him. He was starting to feel a level of panic rise within him. An hour earlier he had felt like a young teenager, discovering love for the first time, yet here he was feeling as if he was heading for the gallows. Fate be damned. He decided to end this little gathering by lying about an arranged visit with Babbington. He escorted Mrs Campion back to the hotel and took off towards the beach to try and get a breath. She had tried to arrange for his continued accompaniment throughout the regatta but Sidney was wary of letting her monopolise his time, so he promised to finish his tour later on, but as he had much involvement in the events, he wouldn't be available for most of the day.   
A swim was what he needed. His mind was ready to burst with everything that had happened in the past few days and now the presence of Eliza had him feel as if he was backed into a corner. As he dressed after coming out of the sea he felt some satisfaction. He wanted Charlotte above all others. It was she, he sought out and admired. Not just for her beauty but for her intelligence. She would make him a true life companion. Eliza was an unfortunate fly in the ointment. While she might be intent on capturing him, he was not interested in her. Years ago, he might have thought differently, but that was before Charlotte. If he hadn't met his dearest Charlotte, he might not be annoyed by Eliza's chatter, fake smiles and gossipy nature. But he had met her and she owned his heart. He was sure of it but he didn't think Charlotte knew it. While her attitude to him seemed to have softened, he was still cautious enough to want more of a sign regarding her feelings, before he declared himself fully. He hoped that during the regatta they could build upon their blossoming friendship and move it on further. 

Mrs Campion was waiting for him as he left the hotel, on his way to the beach, where they had arranged to meet.   
"Mrs Campion. Well met. Again you surprise me. I thought we were to meet at the tea tent?"  
"Yes Sidney, but I couldn't wait and wanted as much time with you...so we can catch up. We have much to discuss, have we not, Sidney?"  
Sidney merely nodded in agreement. He thought it wisest to keep his words to himself. 'What the hell are you really doing here' he wanted to ask her. If it was a genuine investment she was interested in, then Tom was who should be entertaining her, not torturing him. As they made their way onto the beach and towards the sandcastle building activities, she spoke of her previous experiences of regattas and with every boast, she didn't seem to realise, she was insulting Sanditon and his brother's efforts. She had turned into a snob, Sidney thought and she didn't even realise it. God, he hated snobs as his jaw was clenched so hard, he thought his teeth would surely break.   
As they neared the sands castles, he automatically spotted Charlotte. What Eliza continued speaking of, he had no idea. He was just focused on Charlotte. He had known she would be taking part as he had listened to Henry discuss their planned efforts when he had last spent some time with the children. She was now down in the sand, so unconcerned about getting sand on her clothes. Not even a bonnet on, to protect her from the sun. She really was a delight in her relaxed and unassuming manner. She seemed to tense when she spied them and when he spoke.   
"Miss Heywood, a handsome construction. I assume you and Henry are the architects." Sidney couldn't help his praise of her as he lifted Henry into his arms. He would gladly compliment her on everything and anything she did.   
"Oh no, that would be Jenny. I am merely a labourer." He had never heard her so timid before and when he caught her brief glance towards Eliza he realised it was her presence that had her unsure of herself.   
"Well it's a fine piece of work and if it doesn't win, there is no justice, is there Henry?" He would've loved to have remained with her and the children, playing in the sand, but he felt obliged to continue the tour with Eliza and then he could be rid of her. Eliza was obviously uncomfortable amongst the noise and mess of the children and he mentally added another strike against her.   
"Yes, well done children" Eliza declared and it was obvious she was including Charlotte in her comment. Child indeed, thought Sidney. It was Eliza who was behaving as a child with that petty comment. He needed to get her out of there before she really insulted someone.   
"Right I shall show you Tom's new bathing machines. Good day Miss Heywood." He bowed as they took their leave and he hoped he had disguised his admiration for Charlotte in his voice.   
"Who did you say that girl was?" Eliza queried as they walked away. Maybe he hadn't totally hid his admiration. Why would she be asking about Charlotte? He looked back to where Charlotte remained, holding Jenny in her lap, as the children continued their fun.   
"Ah Miss Heywood. She's a guest of my brother and Mary's." Keep it cool Sidney, he thought to himself. Don't say the full truth. She's the love of my life and the future mother of my children.   
"And she helps with the children?" She continued her questioning. Why was she persisting with this?   
"Well, amongst other things, yes." He replied. If she could read his mind he would be in trouble. His thoughts were mostly scandalous when around Charlotte but he was doing a good job at the minute.   
"She's rather a sweet little thing" Eliza commented with a bitter twist of a half smile. Sidney couldn't help thinking that was the very opposite of what Eliza truly meant but why she disliked Charlotte after such a brief encounter was baffling to him. Charlotte was sweet to him, his sweetheart. 

He accompanied Mrs Campion back to the tea tent, where she was meeting her London friends and as he left to meet up with Tom and Arthur he saw Charlotte amongst a large group of fashionable visitors. He recognised Eliza amongst the group but Charlotte was arm in arm with Lady Worcester. He was surprised such a prominent member of society had visited for the regatta, but with Charlotte as her friend, how could she stay away. He was smiling to himself until he saw Young Stringer approach their group and Charlotte left with him in the direction of the starting point for the boat race. What was that about? His frown was commented on by Tom.   
"You seem a different man and there's no doubting the cause. The lovely Mrs Campion. Although I doubt she will remain Mrs Campion long if you have your way." Tom really was excited to have Eliza and her friends in Sanditon. If it was up to him there'd be a wedding at the end of the day.   
"Steady on Tom. There's no need to rush things." Sidney felt the tension mount in his chest.   
"Why not? She's beautiful, witty and rich. You have loved her for a decade. Why would there be the slightest doubt in your mind?" Tom continued with his matchmaking. Sidney was tempted to reply with the one word that was the answer to that question. Charlotte. But he hadn't the time to explain it to Tom and until he was sure of her feelings for him, he was reluctant to tell anyone. Sidney had thought he had loved Eliza for ten years but he now realised it wasn't true love, it was teenage infatuation.   
"Although it is a strange feeling. You've wanted something impossible for so long and suddenly it's within your grasp." He replied. Tom and Arthur needed some answer to keep them from questioning him even further. Let them think he was speaking of Eliza. He was actually referring to his desire for love, companionship and the vision of future children. He had all that when he thought of him and Charlotte. He had never pictured Eliza as the mother of his children. He never did, nor could he now, imagine Eliza old and happy at his side, content to just be in each other's company. He truly had no recollection of him and Eliza, other than their stolen moments at several balls. There had been so little between them, he was ashamed at how immature they were back then.   
"Do you know, for years all I knew about my brother Sidney, was that he was driven to the West Indies with a broken heart." Arthur commented.   
"And what's your point Arthur?" Sidney wanted to know what he was getting at.   
"I admire your spirit of forgiveness is all. If it were me, I don't think I could bring myself to trust her again." Arthur had yet again surprised Sidney with his insight. Yes, trust was missing between Eliza and him but that wasn't all. There was no desire and no passion. He just didn't care about her. Compared to Charlotte, about whom his world revolved. he needed to see her and rectify any misunderstandings she might have about the arrival of Eliza. He wasn't going to let misunderstandings put them off course again. she needed to know his feelings.


	14. The regatta part 2

She was a vision in white. Sidney paused a moment to take her in, as she organised the equipment for the boat race. She was just beautiful. He had come here with the intention of speaking to her about Mrs Campion's visit. He had also been half afraid she would be here with Young Stringer but thankfully he wasn't to be seen. But now that he was here, he didn't want to spoil any opportunity he had to become closer to her. His excuse to Tom and Arthur was he needed to get some practise in before the race, but in reality, he needed some time away from the crowds and he needed to be near her. He removed his coat as he approached, to get some relief from the heat of the day and his temperature always increased when he was near her.   
"It's a little over an hour to the race Mr Parker" she said when she noticed him approach. That wasn't very encouraging, he thought, she did seem to have a problem with him. He had hoped for a more positive reception, but there was time, now that it was just the two of them.   
"I'm letting all the competitors know" was that all he was to her, another competitor, for the race or for her heart? Was he competing against Stringer?  
"Thank you" he replied as he removed his hat and placed all upon a chair. Why did he struggle to find words when he was with her?  
"Well what do you think Miss Heywood? Do I look ready to you? " he held open his arms, as if he was an offering. She glanced over his whole form, head to toe, as he had planned. He was still fit enough despite all the extra years he had on both her and Stringer. Did she see an old man when she looked at him? Was she too young for him? Would she be better suited to Young Stringer? Would his old broken heart ever truly love again, the way she deserved? why was he full of self doubt?  
"I'm no expert" she replied. Were they still speaking of rowing, his thoughts were racing and the privacy of the moment wasn't lost on him. He was feeling nervous.   
"Neither am I regrettably. I haven't picked up an oar in years" as he bent to lift the oars, he realised it was before Antigua, since he rowed competitively. He was a very different man since then. He was never an expert at love either. For too many years he had hidden his true feelings away from everyone. He might never really learn to love fully again. And he definitely wouldn't be able to do it, without Charlotte to teach him.   
"I'm sure it'll all come back to you. " she commented. That was a little more positive, he thought. She had confidence in his rowing ability at least.   
"I wonder." He replied as he studied her. Remembering how to row was the least of his worries. Remembering his feelings for Eliza were a revelation, as he was now realising there was no depth of feeling between them. Remembering every encounter with Charlotte, both amicable and fraught, made him realise he was alive. If he could only get Tom off his back with his stupid matchmaking. If Eliza had just stayed away from Sanditon.   
As he stepped onto the boat and set down his oars he realised she had followed with a second set. No standing idly by for Miss Charlotte Heywood.   
She handed him a second set of oars and he thanked her.   
"'A man cannot step into the same river twice.' You ever heard that?" Sidney asked. The quote had been floating around his mind since Arthur had spoken to him of trust and how Eliza had hurt him. He had now realised he was a very different person than he had been ten years ago.   
"'For he is not the same man, and it is not the same river' it's Heraclitus" she replied, quick as a whip. Her intelligence amazed him at times. He smiled to himself, to think he had thought her a shallow farmer's daughter, when they had first met. He had been sure she was hunting him down to catch him in matrimony and now he was anxious that he was too old for her and would never consider him worthy of marriage. He was trying everything he could think of, to make amends for every criticism she had made of him. He felt a better man for doing those things that had already taken place and he hoped she noticed some of them.   
"Yes, of course you'd know that." He didn't care if it was obvious from his expression that he was totally smitten. She needed to know something of his opinion of her. He couldn't disguise it for ever. He thought she was going to turn away and he panicked,  
"Well I need a second person to balance the boat. Would you mind?" He didn't need anyone to help with the boat, he just wanted her to be with him. He was afraid to look at her in case his desperation scared her away. He held his hand out praying she would take it.  
"I'm not sure if I.."she seemed alarmed at his request, as this would be an intimacy that only betrothed couples were permitted and even then, usually with a chaperone. If anyone were to see them, there would be all sorts of speculation and rumour. He didn't care. Let them talk. They would know, soon enough, how much he regarded Miss Charlotte Heywood of Willingdon.   
"Come on" he looked at her, pleading wasn't his style but he continued to hold his hand out and he held his breath. Did she trust him? Did she know he was offering her more than assistance into a boat? He wanted her companionship, now and forever. At last she reached out and he grasped her hand. He never wanted to let go. The instant they held hands, the first time without gloves between them, made his heart leap. The spark was there, as he knew it would. She took a step into the boat and she stumbled, requiring him to hold both her hands to keep her upright but she ended up tight against his chest. If the boat hadn't been rocking, he would've taken the chance to wrap her in his arms as he had dreamed of doing so many times.   
"Careful... sit down behind you" he ran a hand down her side as she steadied herself. He couldn't help holding onto her hand and placing his own on top of it. He wanted to protect and cherish every part of her. As he arranged the oars and pushed off from the riverbank, he found himself crowding her space. She never flinched away but did take a defensive pose. He hoped he wasn't scaring her. As he sat, he gave her a reassuring smile. If she felt safe with him that would be a good starting point for what he had in mind. He wanted her to consider him as a potential husband. If he planted the seed in her mind then maybe she wouldn't be averse to his proposal when he made it. She had been quite vocal on her opinions of marriage and was adamant she wasn't looking for a husband. He needed her to start looking, in his direction.   
"May I ask you something Miss Heywood? Why is it that when I finally have a chance at happiness, can I not accept the fact?" Sidney asked her as he tried to keep from staring into her eyes. Did she know that it was happiness with her, that he was so unsure of? That she had him tied up in knots.   
"What is it you cannot accept?" She asked in a wary tone. Was she afraid of his answer? Did she think he was asking about something or somebody else?  
"I had convinced myself I was destined to remain alone. That I was ill suited for matrimony. " he told her his deepest fear. If she could give him a positive response then he might laugh with relief. He had never told anyone, how he feared he was unlovable. A lot of that had come from Eliza's treatment of him but his relationship with Georgiana had reinforced his own opinion of many of his negative traits. She quietly considered his comment. As he rowed he leant closer and closer to her. The to and fro of the motion was torture.   
"I don't believe that anyone is truly ill suited to marriage. Not even you. I suppose it's just a question of compatibility." Her slight tease made his heart leap in joy. She didn't think he was a lost cause. Compatibility, yes, that was what he felt for her. She was the other half or him, they complimented each other, she was able to correct his isolated ways to live a fuller, happier life.   
"Yes. I suppose you're right." God how he loved this woman. If he was lucky enough to have her as his wife, he would thank fate for the day his brother crashed his carriage in the middle of the country.   
He needed to feel her hand in his to truly believe she was here and she thought well of him.   
"Now, it's your turn. Give me your hands. Roll your hands. Good. That's it. Keep your back straight." He was in heaven as they held the oars together, with their lips almost close enough position to steal a kiss. as she stared into his eyes, he was sure she knew what he was thinking. Best of all, she wasn't shying away from him, even when he had stole a sneaky feel of her side and breast, she didn't chastise him or slap him across the face, as she would've been entitled to do. She looked at him and the glimmer in her eyes increased until he would call it a flame, a flame of desire.   
He was about to reach for that first kiss when he heard, "Sidney", It was Eliza. She had spotted them from the river bank. He felt as if he had fallen over board. Up to that point it was just the two of them, in perfect sync, rowing and emotionally, he hoped. Then reality intervened, yet again.   
Sidney got to his feet to try and put some space between them, for it really was a compromising scenario and while he didn't care for his own reputation, Charlotte was still a lady who deserved the utmost respect.   
"Mr Parker, your good friend, Mrs campion, seems to require you. Should we make our way back to the starting point, you seem to have mastered the art of rowing after all"   
"Yes Miss Heywood, your help has been invaluable. As for Mrs Campion, she could have no need of me unless she requires some assistance in finding the refreshment tent."   
He took charge of the oars and turned the boat and swiftly returned them to the starting point. As he tied up the boat and she waited to disembark, he felt an urgent need to reinforce their compatibility.   
"I would very much like to discuss Heraclitus with you sometime, Miss Heywood. It's very rare to meet young ladies who are knowledgeable about philosophy. Do you have any particular favourites amongst his work?"  
He helped her onto the riverbank by lifting her by the waist. As he did so, they came face to face and he was tempted to take his kiss then but some people had emerged from the trees and they were in full view of them.   
As she found her footing and smoothed her dress and hair, she shyly smiled at him, "You mean you have always assumed young ladies to prefer romance novels Mr Parker."  
"Yes I've assumed too much Miss Heywood and yet again underestimated you. Accept my apologies . " he felt rightly chastised but in a teasing way and he couldn't help smiling at her.   
"Certainly Mr Parker. Good day to you" she nodded as she rushed away from the station she was so adamant in preparing earlier.   
He tied up the boat and returned to his clothes to redress before Eliza appeared in the clearing.   
"Sidney, there you are. I had wondered where you had escaped to. I wanted you to show me where the finishing point for the race might be, as I want to ensure a prime position to see you win."  
"Of course Mrs campion."   
He led her and her friends towards the finish line and found nothing of interest in their conversation, but his mind was full of his rowing practice and how much closer he and Charlotte had become. Today felt like an momentous day in the life of Sidney Parker.


	15. The regatta part 3

All around the refreshment tent there was a happy buzz of activity and excitement. Sidney was delighted for the apparent success of the regatta, for his brother's sake and of course, the work Charlotte had invested in the whole thing. Tom was great at ideas but Charlotte was definitely essential when it came to realising the plans. He felt a level of pride in both of them. Maybe Sanditon would be the success his brother had always dreamed of. As Mrs Campion and her friends mingled, with the rest of the high society folk from London, Sidney felt compelled to remain with her, as suggested by Tom. The money she had inherited from her late husband meant she was to be treated with above usual courtesy. Every potential investor was to be 'charmed' before leaving the regatta. Tom had assigned Sidney to Eliza, but there were certain lengths Sidney was not prepared to go. Earlier he had endured Tom's speculation about him marrying her. That would be step too far, especially when there were no feelings left for her. All his heart belonged to Miss Charlotte Heywood and today had confirmed it. He had come so close to declaring himself to her, when they were out rowing. The self control he had expended, just keeping his hands and lips, to himself, was impressive. He still couldn't get the picture of desire in her eyes and feel of her hand in his, from his mind. He didn't want them gone, they were a part of his being, forever more.   
As they entered the refreshment tent, Sidney realised that Eliza, had been heading this way, with the sole purpose of engaging Lady Worcester in conversation. Her desperation for notice from this particular lady, was pathetic to watch. Unsurprisingly, Charlotte was with lady Susan and by default came to Eliza's attention.   
"May we join you?" interrupted Eliza, "What is the topic of discussion?"   
Sidney was embarrassed at the rudeness of her question and it was obvious, Lady Susan was far from impressed. He could also tell, there was no affection between the two Londoners, any acquaintance was based solely on appearances and Eliza's desire for advancement in society.   
"Miss Heywood and I were just discussing marriage" replied Lady Susan.   
As Sidney glanced at Charlotte, he could see from her reaction, that that was a falsehood. He had to hide his smirk, as Eliza was so shocked, she struggled to respond.   
"What's is your opinion on marriage Mr Parker?" Lady Susan was obviously intending the conversation to go in a desired direction, but he never thought she would include him in the verbal sparring.   
He was momentarily at a loss for words, as thoughts on marriage were foremost in his mind and so recently discussed with Charlotte. He wanted to look closely at her, to see her reaction, but he was cautious of Eliza and her reported hunt for husband number two. He'd been happy to discuss any and all his thoughts with his dearest Charlotte but Eliza was only privy to his normal evasive answers.   
"I cannot speak of it with any authority, I'm afraid." he replied and breathed a sigh of relief when he wasn't questioned further.   
"What about you Miss Heywood? You're of marrying age. It must be much on your mind?" As Eliza quizzed Charlotte, Sidney struggled to keep from watching her reaction. He would've loved to have seen her meet his eyes and smile, or even blush, in acknowledgement of their recent conversation.   
"There seems little point considering marriage until you've found someone you'd wish to marry" Charlotte replied, swiftly and with the calm response he had come to expect. She really showed maturity and intelligence in every topic of conversation. He took hope in realising the fact, that it seemed to be only him, that brought out the bluntly honest side of her.   
"There must be a boy in your village, that's caught your eye" he wondered why Eliza was persisting with keeping Charlotte on the spot. He felt his heartbeat stop, as he awaited her answer. He had never considered she might be already romantically involved with someone from her village. Or had Eliza guessed that Charlotte was more to him than just a houseguest of his brother? Could she tell from their closeness in the rowing boat earlier, that they were more than acquaintances? Was she attacking Charlotte in this way because of jealousy? He looked at Eliza and could tell from the half smile and an element of evilness in her tone, that she was in attack mode. She really was a different woman from ten years ago and by no means, a better one.   
"Why should Charlotte be limited to her village?" queried Lady Worcester. She too, had a dangerous tone to her voice. He was watching two experts at work. The fake smiles disguising the daggers being drawn.   
"I always think it helps to share a common background, that's all. Miss Heywood's hardly likely to find a kindred spirit in this company." sneered Eliza. She really was an unlikeable individual, Sidney thought. She was smart enough to know how rude she was being, yet she continued. If she was hoping to ingratiate herself with Lady Susan, it was not working. While attacking Charlotte and trying to belittle her, in front of others, she was making herself ridiculous. Sidney felt the tension between the two increase and he was uncomfortable, as there was nothing he could do to stop the verbal duelling.   
"And why not?" Lady Susan, gave her another opening to make herself appear ridiculous and she took it. Sidney was amazed at her obliviousness or was bitterness in control of her emotions at this stage?   
"I just imagine she must find all our London talk unspeakably tedious. Wouldn't you agree Sidney?" He jumped at the chance to try and comfort Charlotte with a comment like their usual teasing, that would've made her smile. "I have no doubt that Charlotte would rather be sat somewhere quietly reading Heraclitus." He gave her a gentle smile to remind her of their recent discussion. No doubt his admiration of her was obvious. If it was just the two of them it would've been a treasured moment but he knew it had backfired, when he heard the sniggers of those who were surrounding them. Immediately, he could tell from Charlotte's reaction, that he had spoke out of turn. Using her first name and revealing a level of personal knowledge of her preferences, was embarrassing enough, but Eliza pounced on his comment to heap further ridicule on her.   
"Sidney you are wicked. That will certainly not help her find a husband."   
He wasn't trying to be wicked. Were they so shallow that they couldn't see that her interest in philosophy was meant as a compliment? It was something to be admired. He really had lost touch with London society.   
Charlotte seemed to struggle to keep from crying. His heart was breaking, that he had unconsciously given Eliza the ammunition to inflict such pain upon her. She who had done nothing to deserve such ridicule. The behaviour of Eliza was disgusting, in Sidney's opinion, and he wanted to lash out and let her know exactly what he thought of her. The old Sidney would've roared at her, but he was trying to control his anger and he needed to remember that Sanditon needed investors. He was striving to keep a lid on his fury.   
"You're quite right Mrs Campion, I'm a farmer's daughter, who reads books. What could I possibly have in common with anyone here? Excuse me."  
As she ran out of the tent Sidney almost crushed the glass he held, into smithereens, such was his anger.   
Lady Worcester gave him a definite look of disappointment. He needed to go to Charlotte and comfort her, immediately.   
He didn't even excuse himself from his company and as he followed Charlotte he could hear Eliza shout after him. He ignored her. Charlotte was hurting and he needed to go to her.   
He caught up with her in the dressmakers tent and as he saw her in such agony, he felt his own emotions well up. What had they done to her? Why had Eliza attacked her so viciously? Why could he not have kept his own mouth shut?   
"Miss Heywood" he struggled to speak around the lump in his throat.   
"Would you excuse me? The race is about to start" the tears were brimming in her eyes. He had never seen her so hurt.   
"Wait, wait, wait, I only ask for a moment" he couldn't let her go without some sort of reassurance and comfort. He really wanted to hold her in his arms, but could only manage a fleeting touch of her arm. When she turned back to him, she met him eye to eye and the depth of hurt he could see, made him speechless.   
"Well?" She was now becoming more angry than hurt. Her impatience to be away from him, was obvious and his pulse was racing. Their compatibility and understanding from earlier was exploding before his eyes.   
"I hope you weren't too offended by Mrs campion. It was only meant in jest" he felt the need to apologise for Eliza but it was really an apology for bringing her into their lives. If he hadn't seen her at that ball in London, how different the past few days might have been? How different today would've been. He had so looked forward to participating alongside Charlotte today and now Eliza had ruined it all .  
"Is that all I am to you? A source of amusement?" She really was hitting him where it hurt, right in the heart. If she only knew the true level of regard he had for her. She was everything to him, could she not tell after all this time? Had he not told her enough, for her to figure it out herself?   
"No, of course not, you're..." He struggled to keep the words in, but the crowd around them was enough to ensure his silence. if it had been just the two of them and if she hadn't been vibrating with anger, he would've gladly enlightened her on what she meant to him  
"forgive me" he pleaded.   
Yet again fate had intervened and timing was his enemy.   
"On the contrary, you've done me a great service. I'm no longer in any doubt as to how you regard me." As she stumbled over the last of her statement, Sidney could feel his heart break. He had hurt her most severely. But how wrong she was.   
"Miss Heywood" he couldn't let her go and remain under that impression. He put out his hand to plead for her to listen, but feared he had restrained her too vigorously.   
"What?! What is it you want from me?" She really was desperate to get away from him. He felt all hope dwindle away as he struggled to formulate the right words to let her know what he wanted from her.   
He doubted she would be receptive to what was racing though his mind. 'I want it all, Charlotte. I want you and me, to be together, forever. I want to be the father of your children. I want you to turn to me for comfort. I want to love and support you in all you wish to do. I want to be your companion. I want you to be the admiral of my fleet. I want to kiss every inch of you and every freckle. I want to smooth away those frown lines. I want to hold you in my arms, morning, noon and night. I want it all, Charlotte, I want it all'   
"Please be kind enough to leave me alone" she pleaded and rushed away. She couldn't have been clearer at her dislike of him. Sidney was stunned at how badly he had handled his attempt at comforting her. Instead she had rushed away in anger at him. His head felt as if it was spinning on his shoulders. And all caused by a simple question about marriage. he felt like falling to his knees in despair. Why was it, when he was with her, he couldn't express himself as clearly as she could? Was he to forever be dancing around his feelings and then agonising over whether she understood what he was trying to say? Why not just say it Sidney? Leave her in no doubt, then perhaps this misunderstanding wouldn't have happened. He was frustrated and angry, at himself. 

He couldn't face going back to Eliza, such was his temper, so he headed towards the tent where Tom had arranged for them to change their clothes, in preparation for the rowing race. He tensely waited for Charlotte to appear as he chatted to Arthur. When she did appear, she couldn't even bring herself to look in his direction. The level of concentration she gave to the records for some novelty race was admirable but he could tell she was still simmering, with hurt and anger. His mind was whirling with all he could've said and done. He was desperate for another chance to put things right. There was no way he could walk away from her now, his heart was hers and he needed to let her know and he prayed she had a glimmer of feeling left for him.   
When Tom and Mary finally appeared, the race was ready to begin. As they boarded their boat, Mary shouted some encouragement. Sidney would gladly have forgone the whole thing but he was trying to be as supportive to his family as he could. The old Sidney would've disappeared and drunk away his anger. But perhaps some vigorous exercise would help clear his mind and sort out a new plan of action. When Charlotte wished James Stringer luck for the race, Sidney felt as if she had physically hit him in the gut. No punch in a boxing match had made such an impact. If she now favoured Stringer because of what had happened, he couldn't truly blame her. But he wasn't going to give her up, not yet. And he wasn't going to let Stringer beat him in a race for Charlotte or any other race. Charlotte was his, and stupidly or not, he was going to try and show her, that he was worth giving a second chance to.  
He gladly put all his efforts into the race. It wasn't about family pride, nor about entertaining the crowds. To Sidney this race was partially about showing Charlotte he was worth her notice but mostly it was anger that was giving him the strength to keep going.   
As tight as the finish of the race was, Sidney was disappointed in being beaten, especially by Stringer and his crew. It left a bitter taste in his mouth. As the prizes were awarded he was conscious that Charlotte stood a mere arm length away from him but she refused to make eye contact with him, no matter how many times he tried. As James Stringer accepted his winning trophy, he approached Sidney to shake his hand.   
"Not the prize I was after" said Young Stringer and Sidney puzzled over his meaning. What prize had Stringer been after? Could he mean Charlotte? Why did he feel the need to say such a thing to Sidney? Did he believe that Sidney had won the prize that was Charlotte? How could he get that idea, when things were so badly off between them? Had she told Stringer of her feelings for him? Could he have a chance after all? He was going to find out before the end of today but firstly he needed to change his clothes and get her on her own. There would be no interruptions this time.


	16. Regatta part 4

Where could he find her? It was of the utmost importance that he find her and find her soon. There was much he had to say to clarify all that he felt for Miss Charlotte Heywood.   
Sidney had changed his clothes as quickly as possible and was heading back to the main part of the activities, when he realised that Eliza Campion had waited on him.   
It took a while for Sidney to adjust his train of thought away from Charlotte and consider what Eliza could possibly want by waiting, all alone, in such a blatant manner. His defensiveness kicked in as he remembered Crowe's warning, that he had heard of her intentions to marry again.   
"You know you didn't have to wait for me" he said as gently as he could manage. While he had resented her presence moments earlier, he had calmed and was even more aware of her potential as an investor in Sanditon. He needed to step gently around this woman, whom he had once known so well. Or so he had thought at the time.   
"I've waited ten years, what's another quarter of an hour?" She smiled back. There was a pleading demeanour to her as she gazed up into his eyes. "The truth is, now that I've found you again, I can scarcely bring myself to let you out of my sight."   
Sidney found a lump forming in his throat. She was expressing to him just what he was feeling for Charlotte. The next thought that occurred to him, was he was hardly difficult to find. For the past six months, he had been active amongst London society. For the past month, he had been mostly in Sanditon, his place of birth, where his family always had a connection. All his close acquaintances had kept in touch with him, even while he was abroad in Antigua. He hadn't gone into hiding, so if she needed to find him he was findable.   
"Eliza, I'm .." He was interrupted before he could get the rest of his statement out. He had wanted to let her know that things were different, he was different, but she spoke over him, such was her desire to be heard.   
"You know, I never lost hope that we would stand beside each other once more. Here we are. Fate has gifted us a second chance" she was using all her allurements to appeal to him. Those eyes of hers were still as blue as they ever were and no doubt she remembered how he had been so vocal about his admiration of them, while they had been engaged. His taste now, was more for deep brown eyes with a sprinkling of freckles upon a face that was cloaked in a cloud of brown curls.   
"Eliza, I'm ..." Sidney tried again to stop her from continuing, as he really didn't want to have to hurt her feelings but she seemed determined to have this conversation. Her mention of fate merely brought Charlotte to his mind, once again. Fate, had brought her to Sanditon. Fate, had made him bring Georgiana to Sanditon at the same time. Fate, had brought the two of them together in their hunt for Georgiana. Fate, had placed him and Charlotte together when Old Stringer had needed help. As far as Sidney was concerned, fate was very clear in letting him know what it had decided for him.   
"Sidney, you can't tell me you have no feelings for me. We meant too much to each other, back then. I spent too many years regretting my choice to marry Mr Campion. If I had only listened to my heart, instead of my head, we would've been so happy together, I'm sure of it." She seemed to have no problem with voicing her regrets about her marriage and Sidney felt a small glimmer of satisfaction that she hadn't been happy with her older and much richer husband. He remained calm as he replied to her, while part of him wanted to rage at her about how much she had hurt him. Had she not learnt of how badly he had reacted to her rejection back then? It seemed to be general knowledge amongst his circle that he had fled to Antigua with a broken heart. He realised, she had yet to apologise to him or even show some concern for his wellbeing, after she had jilted him.   
"Eliza, you can't be sure of that. Ten years ago we were different people, in reality we were children." This was the most deciding fact for Sidney. He knew how much he had changed since then and the time they had spent together today had highlighted that fact for Sidney. She was not who he remembered and he didn't like this version of Eliza.   
"I refuse to believe that Sidney. You loved me, you wanted to marry me." She was allowing her temper to show, and it was all about him still being in love with her. He had yet to hear her speak of her love for him. Sidney was about to point that out to her, when it occurred to him that he didn't actually care about who she loved. He loved another.   
"Yes Eliza, I did and you agreed to do so. But as I remember it, you were the one who changed their mind. Perhaps your feelings for me were not as they should have been." He wanted an end to this conversation and he wanted to find Charlotte.   
"But Sidney, you know that my decision was based on money. I had very little choice in the matter. My family needed me to marry well. Now I can marry where I choose and I choose you" he was stunned at her forwardness and inappropriateness. Crowe had been right. Her lack of decorum and her arrogance was another mark against her. He was not a 'plaything' to be returned to, as the whim struck her. Was she so used to getting everything she wished for, that she just expected him to jump with joy, now that it suited her to marry him? She had no idea of who he was anymore. The old Sidney, would've gladly put her right on this matter with a good tongue lashing, as Charlotte would've called it. The young, silly, Sidney might've been happy to be second choice. This Sidney, was merely concerned with letting her know, clearly and without insult, that it was not going to be the case.   
"Mrs Campion, I'm flattered at your attention, but I struggle to see how marrying me then, would've meant you were marrying badly? And what has changed that makes me a suitable husband now? Is it because I am much richer or because you are much richer? I can't seem to decide which has influenced you the most?" He was pleased with how he had started but his pride had kicked in as he realised her insult.   
"Sidney! you are being deliberately cruel. You know money means nothing to me. You and I are meant to be together. We would make an excellent pair. We would be one of the most popular and powerful couples in society. Together, we would be invited to all the most desirable events. We could become so successful together, Sidney."   
Sidney couldn't help but picture all that she had proposed and it was a list of everything he detested about society and London. She had just tried to appeal to him with the very opposite of what he hoped for in his future. If he thought there was any chance for the two of them, he might have took the time to explain to her what his preferences were. But he pictured his future with Charlotte by his side, strolling the beach or playing with their children beside a lake, and he was reminded he urgently needed to find her and fix things.   
"Mrs Campion, I must apologise if I have misled you in any way. But you must accept the fact that I am a very different man, with very different dreams and aspirations from those which you hold dear. I will fondly remember our youth together and would be pleased to remain a friend to you in the years ahead. Alas, I now must leave you, as I have some urgent business I must attend to, so good day to you Mrs Campion."   
He bowed to her as he took his leave and as he rushed away he felt a lift in his step, as if a weight had been removed from his shoulders. Now where was Charlotte?   
"Sidney, will you not reconsider? Can I not tempt you to return to London with me and give us another chance? Perhaps if we were to spend more time together, the way we once were, you might come to realise you do still care for me." She was persistent he had to give her that. He turned to face her and she took the steps necessary to come close to him and place her hand upon his arm.   
"I thank you Mrs Campion, Eliza. But I am most definite on what I wish for in my future and London is not where I see myself. Would you like me to accompany you back to your friends. They must be concerned about your whereabouts." He stepped away from her enough to indicate that she had not changed his mind. The unspoken offer, of more than social events, was distasteful to Sidney and he hoped it was clear by the look of disgust on his face. He could feel his face then return to his default, bored setting.   
"No, thank you, Mr Parker. You have been most clear about your wish to be away from my presence." She had a petulant tone in her voice and a sneer to her lips. More displays of childishness, he thought.   
"You are mistaken Mrs Campion. I would be happy to see you safely to wherever you wish to go" he spoke with no warmth as he was merely trying to be gentlemanly.   
"Yes, just not to London Mr Parker. I apologise if I have detained you too long from your very important business. I am quite able to see myself back to my friends. I'm hardly going to get lost in this provincial little backwater, now am I?"   
He gave her a half smile as he left her standing and took her at her word as he headed for Charlotte and his future. Her final insults were probably a sign of her true feelings for Sanditon and Sidney was a little disappointed as he realised that she was unlikely to invest after all. Tom would not be happy but he was never going to hear of this conversation with Eliza.   
As he walked back to the village he avoided the areas where the regatta and the visiting crowds were still milling about. He needed to be clear in his own mind what he was going to say to Charlotte. It had been a day of highs and lows for his emotions and he was exhausted, but the thought of seeing her again gave him the boost he needed. He found himself walking along the cliff path and stopped to take in the sunset. He sat as he waited for the sun to disappear and was stunned to realise that he actually liked being in Sanditon. For years he had dreaded the thought of returning to the village of his youth, but the past month had given him a new appreciation for the place and the people who resided within it. The plans that Tom had outlined were promising and could help bring new life to it. Sidney was hopeful that his investments in those plans might bear fruit much sooner than he had expected. He could envisage a long future in this place and it made him smile. The regatta had seemed to be a success and with other investors hopefully coming forth, Sidney hoped that Tom would finally not need to harass him, to extend loans and coax rich friends to visit. His smile got wider, what a dream that would be. He lay back upon the grass and folded his hands behind his head, as he watched a few clouds drift past and listened to the sounds of the waves and the wildlife. A feeling of contentment covered him like a blanket. The only thing that could make the moment perfect, was if Charlotte was lying by his side, with her hand held in his. He closed his eyes as he pictured her in his mind. Her smile was never far from his memory or those teasing glances she had given him. The sight of her coming down the stairs, in preparation for the ball in London, was another favourite. Her eyes brimming with tears popped into his mind and pushed all others back. His smile slipped, as he recollected how they had parted after the incident in the tea tent. Eliza had played a large part in their misunderstanding and while he had talked to Eliza he had considered bringing up her rudeness to Charlotte as something that illustrated how incompatible they were, but he stopped himself. Their conversation was about them and their history. He didn't want to let Eliza know that Charlotte was a big part of why he was never going to have a future with her. He had seen enough evilness from Eliza and knew the cruel tricks she was capable of, to know that it was best to protect Charlotte by not even mentioning her name. It made his gut burn with regret but it was for the best. Charlotte had suffered enough at the hands of Eliza Campion and he wouldn't allow her to hurt his dearest Charlotte, ever again. 

It was quite dark by the time he made his way back to his room in the hotel. Sidney wanted to freshen up and maybe indulge in some dutch courage before he spoke to Charlotte. It was potentially the most important conversation of his life and he didn't want a grubby coat or confused words to ruin it.   
After he had washed and changed, he sipped at a small glass of brandy. Now to get his thoughts in order.   
He wanted to profess his undying love for her and get on one knee to propose to her, but considering how they had parted earlier today, he felt it wasn't the right time for that particular question. He just needed to let her know his feelings for her. Clearly and without ambiguity. The time was over for hints and suggestion. If she was going to pick James Stringer, he wanted her to know that he was also an option for matrimony. He was afraid of her rejection but he couldn't wait any longer to try and evaluate what her feelings might be. He took hope from the comment Stringer had made to him earlier, "not the prize I was after". She was the only worthy prize he could imagine and he could only assume that Stringer had been rebuffed by Charlotte, when he had seen them go off together at the regatta. He doubted James Stringer would give up too easily, so while he might be older and more cynical, she needed to know that she owned his heart. If, after he shared his true feelings with her, she still preferred Stringer, then at least he had let her know and he prayed he would be able to cope without her.   
So, firstly, he needed to let her know he loved her.   
Next, he needed her to know that she had made his life better, made him happy again.   
Then, he needed her to know that he was sorry for all the hurt he had caused her, from the very moment they first met.   
As he recollected every insult he had thrown at her, he cringed. How could she ever forgive him for his behaviour? If it hadn't been for those intimate moments, when he had felt the tension between them, he would never dare approach her. He only hoped he hadn't read too much into a few fleeting moments.   
'I love you, you complete me and I'm sorry.' Sidney gulped down his brandy. That was never going to do it. It was true, clear and unambiguous but it was hardly romantic enough to reverse her current bad opinion of him. Babbington would never have these problems, he thought, but there was no way he was going to delay this matter to get advice from his friend. This had to be all his own effort. It was painful but it needed to be right.  
'I'm an idiot, and if you love me half as much as I love you, I will be forever thankful.'  
He refilled his glass. That was even worse, he thought. If he'd only read a few of those novels that he had scoffed at, maybe he would be able to find the words that were going to have to perform a miracle.   
'Please, don't pick Stringer, pick me' that was so bad he chuckled to himself.   
He swallowed the glass of brandy in one go and got to his feet.   
Courage Sidney, he thought, as he left his room and headed towards Trafalgar house.


	17. A Better Man

His heart raced as he approached the door of Trafalgar house. Mary was there when he entered the drawing room and she informed him that Tom was upstairs, relaxing after his exertions from the boat race. He took a seat and tried to give the impression he was waiting for him to come down, but all the while he was bursting to ask if Charlotte was within the house. Mary kept throwing him smiling looks as she recounted some of the events from the regatta and the more monosyllabic his answers, the more she smiled. He found himself pacing to the window a time or two and while he tried to hide the purpose of his exercise by examine all the knickknacks about the room, his preoccupation was probably evident.   
"Sidney, Sidney, did you hear me?" Asked Mary.  
"Sorry Mary, I'm being rude. I apologise. What was it you wished to know?"   
"Sidney, I merely wished to know what happened to Mrs Campion? I thought she was staying for several days yet I believe it was her I saw leave on a coach not long ago"  
"Yes, indeed, Mrs Campion has returned to London. She didn't much care for a longer visit after all." He replied. If Tom had been there, that would not have been the end of the interview and he was thankful Mary would likely leave it at that.   
"Was there any particular reason for her shortening her visit? I thought she had enjoyed the boat race immensely." Mary was not usually this interfering and Sidney took a long look at her. Did she know more than she was letting on?  
"I'm not privy to the thoughts of Mrs Campion. But I will admit I'm glad she is gone."  
Mary received that information with an undisguised smile as she returned her teacup to the table and rose to take her leave.   
"Charlotte will be home soon, Sidney. I'm sure she'll wish to discuss the day's events with you. Good night"   
He was speechless and struggled to form a reply. His automatic response was to express a disinterest in where Charlotte might be, but his truthful one, would've been to thank Mary for that small sign of encouragement. 

He remained in the drawing room and paced to and fro by the windows, waiting for any sign of her. His pulse was racing and his anxiety was making his palms sweat.   
At last he spied her approaching and he held his breath as he heard her in the hall. He could tell she had entered Tom's office and with a deep breath he went to face her.   
"If you're looking for your brother.."she was still angry with him judging by her tone. But she was a vision in the candlelight, with her white gown seeming to glow.   
"I'm not. As a matter of fact, I was looking for you." He needed to remember to keep it clear this time. No hints or suggestions. She seemed a bit taken aback by his forthrightness. Sidney clasped his fingers tight behind his back to try and stay calm and clear headed.   
"I thought you and Mrs Campion would be heading back to London." She had a taunting tilt to her head and he hoped it was a sign of jealousy, that made her mention Mrs Campion.   
"She's already left. And I decided against joining her." Sidney felt the space between them was miles but he feared if he got any closer, her proximity would confuse him as it always seems to do. As she continued to stay and listen to him, he decided to maintain his confession with as much honesty as he could muster.   
"On reflection I realised, I would rather be here..." He wanted to add so much more. 'Rather be here, with you, in my arms, with your lips upon mine, as my betrothed' but he didn't want to scare her off. They had such ups and downs that day and he was wary of pushing too hard and expecting a response from her would be unfair. She had a confused look as it was and seemed to be struggling to process what had already been said. Sidney wanted to smile at her as she seemed stunned.   
"I, ahem, I'm a great deal less than perfect, you've made me all too aware of that, but for whatever it's worth, I believe I am my best self, my truest self, when I'm with you." He struggled to keep his voice under control. Never had he shared his deepest feelings with anyone before. He was trembling with the fear of rejection. If he continued he knew his emotions would appear as tears such was the depth of love he felt for this woman. He had never felt such trepidation as he decided that he had said all he could at that moment and needed to leave, before she ridiculed him or worse, laughed at him.   
"That is all." He turned to leave and still she had said nothing. As he returned to the drawing room to gather his things, he felt the tension in his body waiting to hear her follow him and demand some explanation. When he heard nothing, he started to think she didn't care or was too stunned to respond. He had his coat on and hat in hand when he turned to leave for the hotel, he saw her standing at the door.   
"Mr Parker, I'm confused. I don't know where to begin but we cannot end such a conversation in this manner. I must know what you mean by telling me this."   
"Miss Heywood, I believe I was most clear in what I have said to you. When you consider what I have just shared with you, there can be no need to wonder at my hopes and desires." He could feel the lump in his throat and his courage start to leave him.   
"But Mr Parker, you have trifled with my feelings throughout today. You mocked me in front of your friends. Some would even say you compromised my reputation on more than one occasion. Why would you, now, come to me to tell me you have decided to stay in Sanditon, because I make you a better person? What sort of person takes delight in trifling with someone's affections?" She was almost pleading with him and there were tears in her eyes. Sidney felt the twist of his gut, as he realised he had caused her pain, yet again. He came to her and took her hands in his. She tried to remove them but he held tight.   
"Charlotte, I apologise for the pain I have caused you this day, but please, let me explain. When I spoke of your love for reading, it was because I admire it and it makes you unique amongst most of the women I know. When I asked you to accompany me in the boat, just the two of us, I knew you were taking a risk, but I needed some time with you, I wanted you there, with no interruptions. I wanted your opinion, as I value it. I trust you and wanted you to trust me"   
He smiled at her and he felt relief as she smiled back. Their opinions were often miscommunicated.   
"And what of when you restrained me, in public, when I had asked you leave me alone? What excuse have you for that?"   
He really had been a brute to her, but he still felt the clutch of panic he experienced, as she had run off, upset and crying.   
"You were so angry with me, and I deserved it, I knew you were hurting and wanted to comfort you. I was desperate for you to listen to me. To explain how sorry I was for the misunderstanding. I'm sorry if I hurt you Charlotte. Forgive me. The fact that we were in public stopped me from doing what I wished to do"   
"And what was that Mr Parker?" She cautiously asked, as he realised her hands had become entwined with his. She was no longer pulling away from him, in fact she had stepped closer. Desire flooded through him as he recognised the passion that was evident in her eyes, in her shallow breathing.   
"Charlotte, you have no idea do you? If only I was allowed to show you my true feelings." He smiled into her eyes as hers roamed over his face. When she stopped to study his mouth, his heart was beating so loudly he was sure she could hear it.   
"And what's stopping you Mr Parker?" She teased him.   
"Decency, decorum, permission, privacy." He struggled to speak around the passion he was keeping at bay. "Charlotte don't tease me. I know you think of me as a flawed and jaded man but I've laid my heart open to you and I can't stay here much longer. I need to leave before I do something I'll regret" he took a step back and tried to release her hands. She held on and took a step closer to him. They were now so close their clasped hands were sandwiched between their chests. His knuckles grazing her breasts, her lips mere inches away.   
"Mr Parker, I think it is you, who is teasing me. You promise you are going to do something, but here we are all alone and nothing of note has happened."  
She really was a gifted tease and Sidney couldn't help but smile at her. His elation was palpable.   
"Nothing of note, Miss Heywood? And what would you consider worthy of noting?"   
"I am much too innocent to know anything of what you speak of."   
As she glanced from under her eyelashes and licked her lips, he knew she was not as innocent as she was proclaiming.   
He raised his hands to cup her face. She smiled up at him and he felt like the richest man in the world. He traced the line of her eyebrows, the curve of her cheeks, the firmness of her lips. It might actually be possible that she returned his feelings, he considered. He took a deep breath and paused for a moment to remember this expression upon her face, to cherish the desire in her eyes and the trust that was reflected there.   
"Charlotte, dearest Charlotte"   
"Sidney, Sidney, are you still here, Sidney?"   
They jumped apart, as Tom was heard coming down the stairs.   
"In here, Tom" he shouted back. To Charlotte, he whispered, "I'll come this way tomorrow and we'll go for a walk, if that suits you?"   
She nodded her consent as she moved further across the room.   
"Ah, there you are Sidney. What a success my regatta has been. Did you see the crowds, did you hear all the compliments? We're bound to have queues of investors lining up after today."   
Sidney smiled to Charlotte as Tom rambled on about the regatta as she made her excuses and left. Sidney would gladly have listened to his ebullient chatter all night, his mood was so ecstatic but he wanted to leave now that Charlotte was no longer within view, and the sooner he slept, the sooner he would waken, to meet with Charlotte and continue their conversation. 

Sidney was awake bright and early the next day. He had already taken a swim in the ocean and broke his fast by the time Babbington and Crowe made an appearance in the hotel. They tried to convince him to return to London and forgo the midsummer ball, but Sidney had too many plans for him and Charlotte to quit Sanditon anytime soon. He was almost buoyant with happiness and naturally his good friends noticed it quickly, such was his altered state. He excused it to the good weather and successful regatta, rather than reveal what had transpired the night before. He wasn't going to make the same mistake again, by telling them of the encounters he had with Charlotte. The incident at the cove was still spoken of. Not that he would ever forget it, nor wished to forget it, now that he and Charlotte were on the same page romantically. He struggled to keep the smile from his face. He checked the time and wondered how early he could decently arrive at Trafalgar house, without raising suspicion, when he remembered he had some paperwork for Tom. That would do as an excuse he thought. When he arrived it was to find that Charlotte wasn't there, which filled him with enormous disappointment. He wondered if he'd be able to wait to see her. They were times already today, when he had thought it had all been a dream. The notion that he had held her so close and came within a breath of kissing her, seemed outside the realm of possibility. The dreams he had suffered through last night, were the most graphic he had ever had and he quickly pushed the memory of them from his mind, for fear he would physically react to them in public.   
Tom had convinced him to accompany him to inspect the new houses, that were almost complete and while he wanted to wait for Charlotte, he couldn't make an excuse that would be believable. As they examined the fine work of James Stringer's workers, Sidney agreed with Tom's assessment that it was work to be proud of and definitely fine enough for the upper classes. He even considered which would be most suitable for him and Charlotte, if they needed a home in Sanditon, but the cautious part of his brain warned against presuming too much and he put it from his mind, for now.   
As they left the new building, Sidney was considering how to make his way back to Trafalgar house, when he saw Charlotte approach and then pause outside Mrs Griffith's house.   
"It's all coming through" said Tom and Sidney agreed wholeheartedly, as he met the look Charlotte was giving him. His dreams were coming though just as Tom's seemed to coming through. For one Parker, his dreams were embodied in the woman he was looking at, while for the other, it was the bricks and mortar. There was a knowledge and acceptance in her look and he could feel his pulse racing as if he had raced on foot, all the way from London. As she entered Mrs Griffith's, he was left standing with his head full of the memories from last night, those in Trafalgar house and those from his dreams. He shook himself from his self contemplation and followed Tom. 

After a respectable amount of time had passed, Sidney thought again of returning to Trafalgar house, to seek out Charlotte. It was a miracle that it was almost noon and they still hadn't managed to meet for their prearranged walk. How could she go from ubiquitous to elusive? The arrival of some contracts from London gave him the excuse he needed. When he arrived he was overcome with emotion, as he watched her approach him from Tom's office. The fact that Mary was witnessing their exchange, never even caused him a moments worry. He wanted everyone to know he loved Charlotte Heywood and he suspected Mary already knew it.   
"Good morning Miss Heywood. I'm going for a walk and I was wondering if there was anything you needed in town?" He tried to keep all the emotion out of his voice as he didn't want Charlotte to be embarrassed by the inappropriateness of their prearranged meeting.   
"Oh, I eh, I have a dress fitting for the ball. Perhaps I could walk with you?" She made her request appear quite unplanned and he tried to control his knowing smirk.   
"Of course, it would be my pleasure" again he tried to keep everything sounding casual and gentlemanly, even though he was desperate to pull her into his arms and swing her round, such was his happiness.   
"Go on then, off you go, you two" Mary said. Yes, she knows, Sidney thought. Mary knew him so well that she could read him like a book. The fact that she was encouraging them gave him an extra shot of hope. They left Tom's house, side by side. Their glances were frequent and lingered more than was appropriate for two people who were, outwardly, nothing to each other. The fact that nothing was spoken of, was a rarity for both of them. Sidney was struggling with how to start a conversation, that had been at a most critical point when they had been interrupted. How did one return to the point, where you have the love of your life within your hands and about to share your first kiss? What words could be said that would be appropriate and not come across as lascivious? Sidney did not need another instance of misunderstanding. This was the beginning of the rest of his life. The beginning of his life, as a better man, with this angel by his side, what words would be adequate? They walked on aimlessly until they were atop the cliffs and quite alone. Sidney knew the time had come.


	18. A Fine fresh day

"Fine fresh day" Sidney almost moaned aloud at his poor attempt at conversation. The weather was the furthest thing from his mind but he was so nervous and anxious, he couldn't settle on how to bring up the topic he wished to discuss with Charlotte. 

"Yes indeed" she had a hesitant tone to her voice. Perhaps she was wondering if he was an idiot. Every thought he had was disturbed with every glance his shoulder made with hers, with every touch of their hands grazing, as they walked along the narrow path. His heart was pounding and he was convinced she could hear it, even over the sound of the seagulls and the waves. 

"Bodes well for the ball tonight" he inwardly grimaced. 'Pull yourself together, man' he thought. 

"Yes", she looked surprised at his inane conversation. She looked especially glorious today, and this setting upon the cliffs, made her freshness and beauty all the more vivid. 

"Being an indoor occasion good weather is not so much of a consideration" he was surprising himself at his ready supply of ridiculousness. 

"No, quite" she looked as if she almost laughed at him with that last statement. 

"But welcome, none the less." 'Come on Sidney, get to the point, quit messing about' he mentally chastised himself. "Are you looking forward to the ball?" 

"Very much, I love to dance." He couldn't help smiling as he remembered how they had danced together in London. It still featured strongly in his dreams and the thought of repeating such an intimacy with her again, was something that played a big part in what he had planned for tonight

"Are you? Looking forward to the ball?" She asked timidly. 

"Yes, yes, very much, very much" if she only knew how much he was anticipating seeing her again in such a setting and being able to take her in his arms without censure. The thought of having her undivided attention and to be the subject of those smiles, and hopefully more, made his temperature rise. 

"And your family, have you heard from them recently?" His mind was functioning in panic mode. He rarely spoke of her family and now was hardly a relevant time to begin. Perhaps it was his subconscious, racing ahead to a time, when he would be introduced to them as a future member. He had already hopefully planned his speech for Mr Heywood when the occasion would come about, when he needed his permission, to receive her hand in marriage. Sidney thought that his heart rate couldn't sustain its current pace, this level of anxiety was a new sensation. 

"Yes, a letter from my sister came, just this morning." She replied with a definitely perplexed look upon her face. Her every glance seemed to measure him up. She was undoubtedly wondering why they were finally talking, but of trivial matters, when there was so much left unsaid from last night. 

"Well, we both know nothing ever happens in Willingdon" he tried to lighten the mood but feared he was coming across as a snob. His mind whirled with how to move to the topic he wished to discuss. 

"We seem not to be walking into town. " Sidney thought that was her way of calling a halt to his stalling. If she wanted to return to town, he would be disappointed but would understand. He had lost yet another chance to be open and honest with her. 

"Ah yes, your dress fitting. Forgive me. What a fool I am. Should we head back perhaps?" It almost broke his heart to offer to end their privacy. The scent of her hair, as it blew around them, was filling his senses. The heat from her proximity was as if there were hot coals beneath her skin. The fleeting touches were torturous but so treasured, he would've gladly continued walking until dark. Every time he put a guiding hand towards her back, he struggled to refrain from pulling her closer. As he looked into her eyes, he hoped to see a glimmer of the passion he had seen last night. He turned away from her with embarrassment. He was an idiot, who didn't deserve her attention, never mind her heart. 

"No, there is absolutely no urgency about my dress fitting. A walk along the cliff tops is much more to my taste." The glorious smile and encouraging tone, made his heart leap for joy. There was still hope. Surely her desire to continue on their walk, was encouragement enough for what he really needed to say. She was aware, as he was, that they were compromising their reputation as it was. Their unchaperoned walk would cause all sorts of scandal, if they were seen. If she didn't care about such things then he was happy to continue. 

"Good, my thoughts exactly." Sidney took a step closer to her and struggled to find the words he needed. Never had he been so nervous or at a loss to say the right thing. 

"I, eh, I was hoping that we might, find a moment when we could be alone together." He stepped even closer and gazed into her eyes. The longing he saw, was a reflection of that which he felt. He wanted to pull her into his arms. He wanted to cup her precious face. He wanted to, at last, have that kiss that almost occurred last night. 

"Were you?" She merely breathed the words and he took encouragement that she seemed as anxious as he was. Sidney struggled to speak around the lump in his throat. Her eyes were roaming his face and lingering on his lips. 

"Yes, I woke up this morning, my head filled with the conversation we had last night." he struggled to breathe as he remembered all they had said and done last night. 

"So did I" he reached his hands to hold her around her waist and pull her closer to him as she replied. 

"Charlotte," he was completely lost for words, such was the desire he felt. He wanted to let her know how much he loved her, but that would have to wait. 

"Yes" that one word from her was like music to his ears. He had so long anticipated this moment and he feared to believe it would ever happen. But here they were, her face turned up to his, her mouth begging for his. Both of them struggling to breathe, their anticipation at a palpable level. 

Sidney slowly bent towards her glorious lips and when they finally met his, he felt his heart soar. While he wanted to be gentle, so as not to scare her off, the feel and taste of her ruined his plans and his desire took over. Her arms held on to him and it was more glorious that anything he had ever felt. His arms were wrapped around her and he attempted to keep from crushing her to him with all his strength. As the kiss continued, he reminded himself of the risk at being discovered and gently pulled back. When Charlotte reached up to continue the kiss he felt his resolve being truly tested. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths as he tried to regain control but he couldn't help from keeping the contact with her, by staying next her forehead and nudging her nose. There was a magnetism between them that had a strength all of its own. His arms remained around her as he tried to calm his pulse. When he felt her hands come to his face, he opened his eyes. The look of love that was shining back at him couldn't be mistaken. He felt a smile stretch across his face that matched hers. How did he get to be so lucky, he thought. He pulled her even closer, just to be sure it was all real. 

"Charlotte" he didn't know what he could say, but he needed to say something. 

"Forgive me if I've presumed too much" he couldn't help but look into her eyes to try and see if there was any anger or regret within them. She merely smiled and smoothed her hand along his cheek. 

"Would I still be standing here if you had done anything that needed forgiveness?"

"No, indeed, you would be letting me know, in no uncertain terms, what you thought of me" he chuckled along with her. 

She returned her arms around his back and snuggled into his chest. He heated with embarrassment when he realised she could surely feel the physical effect she had on him but she merely closed her eyes and rested her cheek against his and gave a deep sigh. 

"Charlotte" he could barely speak around the emotions he was feeling. This was what heaven must be like. He could feel her heart beating and her scent surrounded him. 

"Mmmhhhhmmm" she merely pulled him a little closer. 

"Charlotte, we must return to town before someone comes upon us" he was trying to be considerate, even though he would give everything he owned to be able to stay like this forever. 

"Mmmhhhmmm" her humming response shot through his bloodstream and did little to help his self control. 

"Please, Charlotte, I would not wish for your reputation to be harmed" he was getting so close to pulling her down onto the grass. His need to move away from her was a physical torture. 

"If we must, but on one condition" she looked back up into his eyes and placed tiny nipping kisses along his jaw. 

"Anything, Charlotte" he choked out. 

"Kiss me again." She stood on her tiptoes and placed her hands within his hair, tugging him down towards her lips. 

Sidney could no more deny her and this time Charlotte was the one in control of the kiss. He realised there would never be a time when he tired of kissing Miss Charlotte Heywood. As her kiss continued, Sidney knew enough, to know his control was coming to an end and he pulled away and placed her at arms length. His breathing was laboured and he had to close his eyes to block out the tempting sight of her lips, wet from their kiss and the flush of desire on her cheeks. He turned away from her and took some deep breaths before turning back to her. She looked sad and hurt by his actions. 

He reached out to take her hands in his.

"Charlotte if you only knew what you do to me. I'm only human and patience is not a virtue of mine. You are everything I've ever dreamed of but this is not the time nor place for what I need to say to you." 

She seemed a bit happier with what he said but her little frown reappeared as she thought over what he said. 

"Charlotte, my dearest Charlotte, we will talk at the ball tonight." He brought her hands to his lips and kissed them. 

"If we are not to talk, nor continue with what I wish to do, I suppose we had better make our way back to town. My dress fitting has become most urgent if I am to have such an important conversation tonight. So significant, that it can't be completed on a cliff, away from everybody, with complete privacy. I wonder what could be so important Mr Parker?" She really was testing his self control. He wanted to haul her down to the ground and ravish her on the spot. he just smiled back at her. Her teasing was a delight. 

"Charlotte, we have already stayed away too long and Mary will wonder at our delay. Please let me escort you to your dress fitting. I will gladly explain all to you tonight, when you have had a chance to consider all that has happened today." They began their return to town and as the path was narrow, Sidney gave into the urge to hold her hand. She squeezed his in response, which made him smile even wider. 

"Yes, indeed, a great deal has happened today. I am feeling quite overwhelmed. Is that normal Mr Parker?" Sidney looked closely at her. Was she still teasing or was she genuine in her query? She seemed serious and he couldn't help smiling at her with a certain amount of pride in his effect on her. 

"Overwhelmed? I must admit, I too am overwhelmed. In my experience I have never felt so overwhelmed, so no, it is not normal. I believe you have bewitched me Miss Heywood." He lifted their joined hands to kiss hers, as he smiled into her blushing face. 

"Well then. We are both overwhelmed. That's very convenient." She smirked up at him. 

"Well then, indeed it is" he had never felt this level of elation before. 

At this stage they had reached the town boundaries and he reluctantly released her hand. She gave him a little pout to let him know of her dissatisfaction, but he knew he needed to be firm. There would be plenty of time to hold hands after tonight.   
His plan for tonight had been fast forwarded by this afternoons events but he was determined to give Charlotte the full romantic speech tonight, on their balcony. He had chosen that place as it was the place he had first quarrelled with her. He thought it was an appropriate setting, to show her how much he had changed and to give her a good memory, to replace the one of how terribly he had behaved towards her at that first ball. 

He took his leave of her at the dressmakers and wished her a good day until they would meet again, at the ball. He watched her turn back and smile to him, as he waited for her to disappear from view. 

Tonight couldn't come soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the delay but life got in the way. ill try to post the next chapter sooner. thanks again for all the positive comments.


	19. Interruptions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short one but significant

Sidney had never been so ready for a social event as he was for Sanditon's a first midsummer ball. He was washed and ready a good hour before he had agreed to meet with Babbington. He had selected the best from his wardrobe and had to laugh at himself as he primed and preened in front of the mirror. As for his cravat, he had lost count of the amount of times he had retied it. He paced as he awaited his good friend and could only smile in understanding when he too appeared, well in advance of their agreed time. For the first time in his adult life, Sidney Parker was going to be one of the first to arrive at a ball, instead of his usual tardiness. But this was no ordinary ball. The significance for him and his future made his mouth dry and his heart race.   
As Sidney and Babbington entered the ball room, they both scanned the area for the ladies that had tempted them there, at such an early hour.   
"No sign of Miss Denham yet" remarked Babbington. Sidney had to admire his forthrightness, there were no hidden intentions with Babbington. Sidney was trying to remain a bit more subtle, as part of him still feared Charlotte would come to realise he wasn't good enough for her and turn her attentions elsewhere.   
"I don't know what it is, but I find myself quite captivated." said Babbington.   
"You want to tame her, do you?" asked Sidney, remembering the conversation they had with Crowe one day, in the hotel.   
"I believe she has tamed me" Babbington had never looked so happy, claiming to be under the power of someone else. Sidney was happy for him.   
"Yes, I can just imagine how that might feel." He commented, his mind full of thoughts of Charlotte and how her influence had made him a better man. Gone was the man who lashed out, verbally and even at times physically. Gone was the man who doubted everyone and everything. She had given him back hope and happiness. He would be eternally thankful to Tom, Mary, fate, God, the bad driving of a coachman, whoever was responsible for bringing Charlotte Heywood into his life. That was, if all went to plan tonight. All he had to do was a simple matter of getting her alone, ideally on their balcony, confess his feelings and beg her to agree to marry him. Surely such a basic task wasn't beyond him. 

Sidney and Babbington waited impatiently for the objects of their admiration to arrive. There was much merriment on display with the assembled crowd and Sidney felt his spirits soar, but he worried that Charlotte had still not arrived.   
At last he saw her enter, with Mary. She was a vision and easily outshone every other woman in the room. she was superior to every other woman he had ever encountered, he thought to himself, but perhaps he was a touch biased in this matter. Her blue dress and arranged curls made her look just as appealing as she had when she was in his arms on the cliff top. He would one day, tell her that he much preferred her hair down but she never looked anything less than glorious to him anyway. He smiled as he imagined her reaction to that particular thought. He kept himself from rushing through the dancers to be by her side.   
'Patience, Sidney, patience,' he told himself. 

Predictably, Tom chose that moment to halt proceedings and make a grand speech, but thankfully he kept it brief, allowing Sidney the opportunity to part ways with Babbington and make his way towards Charlotte. As he met her gaze he could feel his heart swell. She looked as if she could hardly wait to see him yet there was a nervousness about her that made him worry. He hoped she hadn't regretted her behaviour from their walk that morning. He wanted to build upon that passion and promise her whatever her heart desired.   
"Sidney you must come and meet Mr Naylor, he's just taken an apartment on Waterloo terrace" Tom's timing was as always, terrible. Sidney could only grimace towards Charlotte to let her know he truly wanted to be by her side. Inside, he screamed at Tom. Why he felt the need to drag Sidney to meet someone, who was unknown to him, always baffled him. Tom was most able to talk to anyone, so why did he strong arm him away from what he was desperate to do?   
'Patience, Sidney, patience', he told himself, but he struggled to keep his temper especially when Tom more or less ignored him as he conversed with Mr Naylor. 

At last Sidney was able to make his escape from Tom and went in search of Charlotte. The crowd had increased in size and there was no sign of her. He headed in the direction where he had last seen her, when he met with Georgiana.   
"Sidney" she stopped him and was obviously far from happy to be at the ball. The petulant look that she had perfected, was there for all to see.   
"Ah, Georgiana, are you having fun this evening?" Sidney hoped that if he ignored her mood she might let him proceed in his search.   
"What are you up to with Charlotte?" She demanded.   
"I don't understand your meaning" Sidney was confused at her accusation. Why did she think he was up to something? What had she heard or seen? Had Charlotte said something to her about him? His doubts and worries arose again and a burning sensation began in his stomach.   
"You've done your best to ruin my happiness, how could I trust you not to ruin hers?" Georgiana was angry but what had caused this attack on Sidney, was a mystery to him.   
"Nothing could be further from my mind" Sidney replied. He was not amused with the notion that he would wish any unhappiness to befall Charlotte. If it was within his power, he would do anything to ensure Charlotte Heywood was happy, every day of her life. This was a promise he was going to make to her tonight. If he ever found her in this crush. Thankfully, Arthur appeared to distract Georgiana and Sidney was delighted to encourage her attention towards someone else. He had enough self doubt without Georgiana reminding him of his poor behaviour as her guardian. 

His heart surged as he finally spotted Charlotte in the ballroom. She was with Mary and they were as happy as ever in each other's company. Sidney hoped Mary understood enough of his feelings for Charlotte to not monopolise her all evening. As he neared them Mary whispered something to Charlotte and headed in his direction.   
He was sure Mary would not interfere and he was prepared to just smile at her in acknowledgment as he passed her, she would know there was no insult intended when she realised his aim was to meet with Charlotte.   
But he was surprised when she stopped him,  
"Sidney, I've not seen you this happy in a long time"   
He couldn't help looking at Charlotte even though Mary continued to speak to him. Was he to be always within arms reach of her this night? Was fate being especially cruel by keeping them apart?  
When Mary had stopped, saying whatever it was she thought so important to stop him, he saw James Stringer accompany Charlotte onto the dance floor.   
While his heart stuttered at the sight, he took encouragement from the view of Charlotte looking back towards him with a glance that spoke of apology and frustration.   
"Patience, Sidney, patience," they had all night he told himself. And the rest of their lives, he hoped. 

He smiled in her direction as she danced with Young Stringer. Before this morning, he would've worried about the younger man and his obvious admiration for Charlotte, but how she had clung to Sidney and demanded another kiss, gave him the confidence to leave them to dance in peace, without him watching their every step. If she was going to reject him, it would not be because of Young Stringer, or so he hoped. Her initial shyness, this morning, and then her obvious desire, were too genuine to be mere ploys to entrap him. His Charlotte wasn't like that. He was sure of it. He was sure of her, and hopefully soon, sure of them.   
He couldn't help watching her as she danced. She was everything a young woman ought to be. She was attentive to her partner and seemed happy to be partaking in the ball. Her smiles were frequent without her appearing ridiculous and her manner towards everyone, regardless of their class, was warm and welcoming. He was so proud of her yet he could take no credit. As she danced a second with Young Stringer, he felt the need to get out of the way of those young ladies who required dance partners. The only dancing he wanted to do tonight was with his dearest Charlotte.   
Babbington appeared by his side and after a short spell asked him,   
"And what are you waiting for? You haven't taken your eyes off her all night. I hope you receive a favourable answer old friend." Sidney looked at him to check if he was teasing but his earnestness was obvious. If he could read his mind so accurately, who else could tell what he was thinking? Sidney felt a little embarrassed but his nervousness was outweighed by his hope.   
When they spied Miss Denham enter with Lady Denham, Babbington made a quick move in their direction and Sidney was glad to be left to his own daydreams.   
He headed towards 'their balcony' in the hope she would notice him there and make her way to him at her earliest opportunity. If he had to wait there all night, he would be glad to do so, as long as she appeared at some point. If she stayed away, then he would take that as her signal that she had regretted this morning. He would try to deal with that, if that was the case.   
Thankfully the dance ended soon after and Sidney lost track of where Charlotte had gone, until he heard footsteps behind him and turned to see her enter the balcony. He couldn't keep the wide smile from his face.   
"At last, I thought I'd never get you alone" he held out his hands to beckon her close.   
He held onto her hands as if they were a lifeline. He never wanted to let her go again after tonight. Her nervousness was evident and he wanted to comfort her, so that what he was about to say, would be remembered for the right reasons.   
"Do you remember the last conversation we had on this balcony?" he asked her.   
"All too well" she smiled back at him. He sighed as he saw some of the tension leave her and her hands caressed his.   
"What a brute I was! " thankfully they were able to laugh about such a horrendous memory.   
"I deserved everything you said."  
Her effort to try and take some of the blame, reminded him of one of the reasons he loved her. She was modest and truthful, too generous with her forgiveness, but he was glad of it.   
"No you didn't." His regret at how upset he had made her on that occasion, made him struggle to continue.   
"I hope I'm a different man now," he needed her to know he was trying, for her sake, to correct his behaviour. That he was more worthy of her now, than he had been then.   
"No, you're the same man, but much improved. " her teasing made him want to take her in his arms and show her how much she meant to him.   
"If I've changed at all, it is in no small part down to you. I have never wanted to put myself in someone else's power before. " Sidney struggled to get the prepared words out around the lump in his throat. He had never experienced such immense feelings and he feared he would allow the threatening tears fall, such was his emotion. He took a deep breath and continued, for what was to come next was critical to his future happiness.   
"I've never wanted to care for anyone else but myself." He paused to try and get his heart rate under control but it was pointless, she owned his heart and only his wished for answer from her, would help his current state. He took another deep breath, filling his lungs with her scent.   
"Miss Heywood, ....Charlotte," he smiled into her eyes as he came to the crucial point.   
"Unhand me you blaggard" shouted Edward Denham from the floor below.   
Sidney couldn't believe there was yet another interruption. The 'old Sidney' would've roared in frustration but this 'much improved Sidney' struggled to maintain a gentlemanly reaction.   
He felt he had no option but to leave Charlotte so he could be of assistance to Tom, who no doubt was in panic mode at such a public disturbance. As he made his way to where Edward was confronting Esther, he only caught some of the accusations that were being thrown about. Tom was nowhere to be seen and Babbington was trying to hold Edward back but becoming more irate with every utterance. Lady Denham took the matters into her own hands and instructed Sidney to escort Edward from the ballroom which he did with assistance from Babbington. Sidney was happy to do so, as the quicker things were settled, the quicker her could back to Charlotte and finish their conversation.   
They struggled with Edward as they escorted him to the hotel, where they hoped to find a coach that might be departing for London. As it was well after the time for the last coach out of Sanditon, Sidney was thinking of other ways to ensure Edward stayed out of the way of the ball. He was glad of the assistance of Babbington as Edward continued to struggle, rant at him and continued to warn him of the evilness of women and especially Esther. Sidney could tell from the look upon Babbington's face that he was wasting his time. Drunken rants were rarely accurate depictions of what had really gone on and he suspected Esther and Babbington had shared more than a few dances over the past few weeks.   
When they reached the hotel they settled Edward into the bar and ordered a bottle of brandy.   
"You go on back to the ball, Babbington. I'll remain here for a while. Just ....would you send my apologies to Miss Heywood?" Sidney whispered to his friend.   
"Are you sure Parker? I don't want to leave you to deal with this mess on your own"  
"I'm sure. I think it would be best for all if you weren't here. Denham seems to have particular dislike of you tonight. I'll return as soon as he passes out or we find some mode of transport for him" Sidney had resigned himself to the notion of supervising Edward consume a few more glasses, to ensure his drunken stupor. He didn't think it would take too long.   
He took a seat across from Edward and poured him a full glass and helped himself to a small nip in the bottom of a glass. He didn't need any dulling of his senses. The night wasn't over and he had much still to do.   
"Parker, they're evil, the spawn of the devil I tell you. Never let them get to you Parker, they'll rip out your heart and leave you bleeding." Denham was throwing back the brandy as if it was water. Sidney filled him another glass.   
"If only I had been as cold as you Parker. Nobody can get past Sidney Parker's armour. You have the right idea, old man. Keep them at arms length."   
Sidney wondered if that was what everyone thought of him, as a cold and defensive individual. It might've been true in the past but he had changed so much, had no one noticed? Charlotte had noticed and that was all that mattered. He smiled at the memory of her on the balcony, not an hour ago. He filled another glass for Edward.   
"You're right Denham. Arms length." Sidney thought it best to agree with him, now that he had calmed somewhat. With a bit of luck he'd pass out or fall asleep.   
"Who needs them anyway? A bit of warmth in bed isn't hard to find when you need it. Isn't that right Parker? No trouble there for you, eh, Parker? Me and you, we can have who we want."   
Sidney's stomach churned at Edwards attitude and realised Esther was well rid of him. He had always doubted Denham's character but he'd never heard him disgrace himself in such a manner. He filled him yet another glass which Edward downed in one go. His drinking ability was amazing but hardly admirable. At last, he put his head upon the table and let out a loud snore. Sidney made arrangements with the hotel owner to let him sleep where he lay and if he awoke, he was to be placed in Sidney's own room. He couldn't help hoping he would be free to stay in Trafalgar house that night, if all went to plan.   
He hastened towards the assembly rooms and tried to keep himself from running, such was his excitement to return to Charlotte.   
As he rounded the corner he caught a whiff of smoke and wondered why it seemed to strong. He glanced in the direction where he thought it had come from when he noticed a definite orange glow in the sky. He stopped to study the sky more closely, and considered it was much too late for a sunset to give that effect.   
"Fire, fire, quick there's a fire."


	20. From the embers

Sidney awoke still feeling the taste of smoke in his throat. So it hadn't been a dream. They really had struggled, to get the fire that engulfed the new terrace, under control. As he rose from the bed every muscle ached. They had all tried their best, Arthur, Stringer, even Charlotte, had done their bit, but it wasn't enough. He washed and dressed with the intention of going to Tom as soon as possible. Hopefully in the light of day it wouldn't seem as bad as it had last night. Tom had been as upset as he'd ever seen him and he was worried for him. It was going to be hard to get even Tom motivated after such a set back.   
Sidney also wanted to check on Charlotte. They had been interrupted last night at the ball and after all that had transpired, he wondered when it would be appropriate to resume their conversation from the balcony. He was happy to wait for the right time, as long as he could see her and talk to her, so that they might come to some sort of understanding. A day or two would be just about tolerable, as long as she gave him the hoped for answer in the end. The glimpses he had of her during the fire, gave him a sense of pride in how she organised and rallied the help. She didn't shirk from getting involved and he was glad of the times when she had placed a supportive hand on his arm or back, as they did all they could to bring the flames under control.   
As he headed towards Trafalgar house he met young James Stringer.   
"Morning Stringer. I hope you didn't receive any injuries last night while you were fighting the fire? A terrible business indeed. You must be very upset to see your hard work come to such an end"  
"No sir, no injuries. But something much worse has happened, Sir. Bricks and mortar can be rebuilt but lives lost, are lost forever. It's only this morning, when we were able to enter one of the houses that it was confirmed."  
"What do you speak of Stringer?"  
"My father Sir. His body was found amongst the ruins this morning. I had suspected it last night, when I couldn't find him, but I had hoped for a different outcome. But alas it was not to be."  
"I can scarce believe it Stringer. Are you absolutely sure? Could there be some mistake?" Sidney was stunned at this latest news. Indeed a building could be rebuilt but to lose a father, in such a way. He felt sympathy for young Stringer who seemed dazed with shock.   
"No mistake I'm afraid. It's as sure as I'm standing here. He's gone. And so are the houses he had been working on late last night. If he'd only left when I told him. Please excuse me Mr Parker, I need to make the necessary arrangements." There was a glimmer of anger in Stringer's voice but Sidney knew that there would be many angry days ahead of him, as he grieved his father.   
"Of course. My condolences Stringer. If there's anything you need, you can count on my assistance or my brother's. Don't hesitate to ask. Your father was a good hardworking man." Sidney headed towards Tom's house and dreaded having to share this piece of news. The fire had taken its ultimate toll on Sanditon and he feared Tom would take it badly.   
As Sidney spoke to Mary, Tom and Charlotte of this latest development, the silence amongst the group was understandable. No words would be adequate to explain away the injustice of such a demise.   
Charlotte eventually spoke up in a gentle tone, "I thought Mr stringer was overly distraught last night, when he first appeared at the fire. He kept shouting for his father but I never realised he believed him to be in one of the houses. It was only when the fire had almost burnt itself out that the other workmen told me of old Stringer's insistence to stay and finish the work for morning."  
"If I had known sooner maybe I could have got to him in time" , suggested Sidney.   
"No Sidney, don't say such things. You saw the fire for yourself. It was much too fierce by the time it was discovered. It would've been ridiculous to attempt to enter it. So stop blaming yourself, I know that's what you're doing, Sidney." Mary was quite severe as she scolded Sidney. As he glanced towards Charlotte he could see from her expression she was feeling a mixture of fear and sympathy for him. He realised that he needed to be more conscious of his actions, now that she cared for him. He had more than himself to worry about. He wouldn't intentionally do anything to upset her and he yearned for some privacy so he could tell her so.   
Tom was uncharacteristically quiet throughout their discussions. Arthur and Diana arrived and were full of their accounts of last night. The news of Stringer's death put things into perspective.   
"What about a walk. Let's get out of the house. Perhaps things won't look so bad in daylight."suggested Arthur.   
"Yes indeed, Arthur, a very good idea. Come Tom we shall go together and assess the damage. It mightn't be half so bad as we fear." Sidney was getting increasingly worried at Tom's silence.   
As they made their way to the remains of the fire, the smell of burning was enough to make Sidney's stomach clench with sickness. He thought it looked even worse in daylight but he wouldn't admit it to Tom. They needed to jolly him along and get his annoying enthusiasm back in action. It was going to take a lot to recover from this blow. Lady Denham was going to be annoyed enough for them all.   
"This is not the end Tom. We can rebuild. It'll be even finer than it was before" suggested Sidney.   
"Yes, yes, of course we will. I'm sure we'll find a way somehow to raise the money."  
"What do you mean the money. Surely the insurance will cover that?" Sidney felt his pulse stutter at the notion there was no insurance, but even Tom wouldn't have been so careless.   
"Yes, I suppose it would." Tom's quiet reply didn't ease Sidney's feeling of doom.   
"Oh for god sake Tom, tell me the work was insured? TOM"   
"I had intended to, but the premium was so high and there were so many calls on my capital." Tom seemed desperate to absolve himself of blame.  
"So you took a gamble?" Sidney couldn't believe what he was hearing. Who would do something so irresponsible? Was Tom so desperate for glory that he had cut corners on the essentials. It was bad enough when the workers hadn't been paid. Old Stringer had even been badly hurt by Tom's neglect, but this was too much. Sidney felt like punching him then and there.   
"I know, I know, no one judges me more harshly than I judge myself. But never in my worst nightmare, could I have anticipated this" Tom's lack of self condemnation was making Sidney see red.   
Arthur and Diana tried their best to calm things, be supportive and practical, but Sidney wanted to shake them all. When Tom revealed the full extent of his financial mess, Sidney could scarcely believe it. How could he have created such a mess? Where had he got such an amount in the first place? Had they no idea how dire the situation was. There was no hope of funds when all was good, where did they think the money would come from now? Sidney sometimes wondered at his family and their existence inside their self made bubble. Their reality was a fiction and he seemed to be the only one with a grasp for the enormity of the disaster that was facing them. 

They returned to Trafalgar house and found Lady Denham already there. She had heard of old Stringer's death and was seeking a culprit for the fire that had ruined the terrace.   
"At least we can rebuild Mr Parker. And this time there are changes I want you to make. I was ignored last time, but I will not be ignored again. Do you hear me Mr Parker? I will not be ignored. It is my money that built those houses and I will have them as I wish this time. There should be no issues with the insurance I presume? Fire coverage is included Mr Parker?"  
"Well not exactly Lady Denham" replied Tom quietly.   
Sidney could see the showdown approaching at a rapid speed. He wondered if Tom was going to own up or dodge the confession. He almost felt a little badly for him.   
"What do you mean Mr Parker? Be exact. I demand it. Be perfectly clear Mr Parker. Will the insurance cover the cost of rebuilding? ANSWER ME MR PARKER" she shouted.   
Sidney could see that Tom was struggling to respond, his distress was evident for all to see. He could stand it no longer and made the decision to spare his brother this much at least as he said,  
"Lady Denham, it would seem that there has been an oversight in paying the premium for the insurance. It has only recently come to light."   
Lady Denham's reaction was a sight to behold. Her rage was justified and she portrayed all the anger that Sidney had felt when he had first learnt of Tom's foolishness.   
"Lady Denham, please. There will be a way to fix this. We just need some time to formulate a plan and arrange the finances. We shall sit down together in a few days and plan a way forward" suggested Sidney. But she was having none of it. She barely acknowledged the fact that Sidney had spoke at all. He took a step closer to Charlotte and felt her support in the glance she gave him. Mary was to the side of Tom and was struggling to keep from interrupting Lady Denham. They had planned to keep calm when they informed Lady Denham of the insurance issue.   
"I will see you in the debtors' prison. I will see you in the poor house. Where are your promises now? Dust and ashes. You might as well lost my money at the gaming tables. You despicable man." Lady Denham raged on. Her outrage increasing with the severity of her threats.   
"Lady Denham" appealed Mary.   
"I'm very sorry for you, Mrs Parker. But some things can never be forgiven." Sidney had to agree with Lady Denham but he would never vocalise such at thing at this time. He needed to be there to support his brother, the way Tom had supported him so often in the past. If they had seen Tom earlier, when he had discovered him in his study, they might have a bit of compassion for him. He was a shadow of his normal self and Sidney was sure he had shed tears as he held his head between his hands and just whispered his apologies to Sidney. His character had been totally battered by what had happened and Sidney realised that Tom intended no harm, he was just doing his best to manage all the hopes and dreams he had for Sanditon.   
"Lady Denham, if you pursue the debt now, you may be robbing yourself. We can rebuild the terrace bigger and better than before." Sidney realised it was Charlotte that had voiced a viable consideration and felt his heart surge with pride and gratitude. She stood by them and faced their problems as if she was already a Parker. He clung to the hope that the day she would legally be a Parker was not so far away.   
"Give us a weeks grace. At least." Sidney added when he saw signs that Lady Denham was considering the point Charlotte had made. If they could get some time to devise a plan they might figure something out. All their minds were in a muddle at the minute and some clarity might show them the way forward.   
"One week Mr Parker. One week only, mind you. I will use all the power within my means to exact revenge, if after a week, you have not resolved this matter. One week Mr Parker" with that ultimatum Lady Denham left Trafalgar house. There was a collective release of tension as the front door shut loudly as she exited.   
"Right then Tom. We have a week. What do you suggest we do now?" Sidney asked. If there was a critical tone in his voice it was as a result of his realisation that a week was so little time and he was afraid.   
Charlotte stepped closer to him and he wished for the comforting feel of her hand in his. A look between them would have to be enough for now. The look of support he could see in her eyes almost made him smile in thanks.   
"Tom, Sidney, why don't you go into the study and begin your plans. Charlotte and I will bring you some refreshments." Mary always believed tea and scones helped resolve any dilemma. Sidney smiled in her direction as he led the way to Tom's study. Tom followed him in a trance.   
"I cannot think, Sidney. My mind is asunder. Eighty thousand Sidney. Where do we even begin?" as Tom spoke his tone of agitation increased.   
"Tom, Tom, Tom, calm yourself. We need clear minds to deal with this."  
"Yes Sidney, of course, you are correct. As always."  
"The only notion I can suggest, is to go to London and seek some investors. There is bound to be some friends or family we can appeal to. Other than that, I will review our finances and speak to the family accountant, to possibly minimise the amount we need to source to satisfy Lady Denham at least. If we pacify her, we might get extensions from our lenders."  
"Yes Sidney, of course, you are correct. As always." Sidney bit back his rage as he recognised Tom was barely listening to him, never mind trying to formulate a plan to deal with the mess he had created. Mary entered the study with a tray of refreshments and her appearance reminded Sidney that her and the children, were more innocent victims as a result of Tom's irresponsibility. He had to do something for their sake.   
"Mary, thank you. I believe we have a plan and I must act upon it immediately, as a week is such a short time to attempt all we need to do. Will you arrange for the carriage as I pack for London?" Sidney felt the urgency as the time ticked away to Lady Denham's deadline.   
He left the study, with Tom and Mary still within and as he turned for the stairs, he met Charlotte.   
He took her by the hand and brought her to the privacy of the corridor leading towards the basement.   
"Charlotte, I'm leaving for London. I have much to do, or try to do. I need you to keep an eye on Tom, he's not coping with this and I fear Mary will crumble under the strain as she realises the consequences of Lady Denham's threats."  
He cupped her face between his hands and used his thumbs to smooth her cheeks.   
He couldn't stop the smile he returned as she nodded up into his face.   
How he wished he could take the chance and kiss her, but there wasn't the time he needed to kiss her properly and their privacy was likely to be interrupted at any moment. She gathered his hands within hers and kissed them as if giving them a blessing. A lump in his throat prevented him from saying anymore. 

Charlotte was waiting for him when he returned from packing. Tom and Mary were nowhere to be seen. Half of him didn't want to have to look at the sad sight of Tom but he needed to let them know he was leaving. He sought them out and found them, side by side on a sofa in the drawing room, Mary holding Tom's hand within her own.   
"I'm all set to leave. I'll keep in touch when I can, but I'll be trying my very best Tom."  
Tom barely flickered in response to his announcement so stunned was he by what had happened. Perhaps reality was starting to leak into his conscience, Sidney thought.   
"Thank you, Sidney. God speed to you. I know you will try your best and we will never be able to repay you for your efforts." Mary teared up as she rose to hug Sidney on his way.   
Charlotte was still by the front door as Sidney was helped into his great coat. They left Trafalgar house, side by side and Sidney felt the distress of being parted from her, just as he could see the yearning within her.   
"I'll be as quick as humanly possible . I have to do everything I can, to help the family. How I manage that I have no idea." He felt the need to remind her of the futility of his task, she was strong enough to cope with the facts and he found comfort in being able to speak truthfully with her.   
"I believe you will" the look of confidence she gave him made his heart surge. He hoped he would be successful for her sake alone. If she believed this much in him, then he would try his damnedest.   
"And when I return, we'll finally have a chance to finish our conversation." As he held her hands to his chest he wondered if she could feel the pounding of his heart. If he could only bring her with him. Her eyes were more glorious than he had ever seen them. Her lips more tempting, now that he had tasted them and knew the sweet flavour of them. He regretted the fact that he wasn't leaving her with everything settled between them. The thought of returning to plan their wedding would've made this trip more bearable. Part of him, however, feared the next week, as if he failed, the family would be ruined and she might never be allowed to marry into a disgraced name. His pulse raced at that particular thought. He refused to imagine Charlotte turning away from him in shame and disgust.   
"I'll be back in a week." He promised as the carriage took off. A week of hell awaited him in so many ways. A week of begging and cajoling. A week of anxiety and tension. A week of dealing with investors and bankers. A week of apologising for someone else's mistakes. But worse than all that, a week away from Charlotte. Sidney felt sick to his stomach with fear but there was nothing else to be done, so off he went to London and left the smouldering embers of Sanditon behind him.


	21. The dilemma

Sidney wondered if he would ever be rid of the headache he had suffered with, since he left Sanditon. It was three days now and his stomach was so tight with tension, he couldn't eat, his head so full of questions he couldn't sleep and the constant tensing of his jaw meant his very teeth hurt. He had met with the family accountant and been in touch with all their lenders. The feelings of frustration and anger he had endured, was wearing him out. Some, had laughed at his suggestion of extending the loan period or reducing the repayment amounts. Others, had showed some sympathy and agreed to some leeway. Unfortunately, all options were almost exhausted, as far as Sidney could imagine. He had also confessed all to Babbington and they had discussed many possible options. The obvious solution was to get some more investors but that was more difficult, now than before the fire. Sidney had agreed to meet with Babbington tonight again, at his London residence and he realised he needed to head that way if he was to be on time for the arranged dinner. Babbington had hinted that he had an idea that they might discuss. As Sidney made his way towards his good friend's London house, he hoped that something would emerge that meant he could return to Sanditon and Charlotte, with renewed hope for the future.   
He could still picture her, as she stood outside Trafalgar house and bid him a safe journey. The way she had held his hands and the confidence she had in him, gave him some hope, but he was getting increasingly anxious that Lady Denham would not be satisfied with the meagre compromises he had managed to get from the lenders. 

Babbington was especially cheerful as he greeted Sidney. When he had told him yesterday, of Miss Denham's agreement to marry him, Sidney was delighted for his old friend. It was a surprise, but having seen for himself how miserable he had been without her, he could sympathise with Babbington and was envious of how his situation had been settled.   
"Right, Parker, let's get down to business. I've contacted Lady Denham with a suggestion that I believe she will receive with favour. Now that I am to marry my Esther, she receives my suggestions with unexpected positivity. I believe she fears I will change my mind and abandon Esther. What a foolish old woman! None the less, she will agree with my request."  
"And what, pray tell, is your request Babbington?" Sidney was afraid to ask. If it was too little, it would be meaningless yet he would be indebted to his friend for any form of financial relief.   
"I have suggested I take over half of her loan to Tom. From what you have told me, that would be to the value of fifteen thousand pounds. I will not request the repayment until Sanditon is much more recovered. I wished to take on more but I will have a wife to consider and my responsibilities to my brothers and sisters can't be ignored."  
"No Babbington. It is too much. You cannot put such an amount of your own money into fixing a problem that is not of your making. I can't allow it. There will be another way." Sidney felt like crying with frustration.  
"It is done Sidney. When I return to Sanditon, I will also speak to Lady Denham about reconsidering her threats to Tom. She has spoken in angry reaction and has not considered the reality of what she said. When she has thought of all the implications, I believe she will be more considerate. She is not all that cruel."  
"But why Babbington? It will be years before you see a penny of your money returned, if any return at all. Why?"  
"I've grown quite fond of Sanditon and especially of some of those who reside there." Babbington couldn't keep the wide smile from his face and it caused Sidney to smile with him.   
"'Quite fond' you say. I'd say you're more than fond of one particular Sanditon resident."  
"Yes, quite, Parker. The things we do for love. But seriously, Sidney, I believe in Tom's vision for Sanditon, but more importantly I believe in you. You've been the best of friends to me this past twenty years or more, even when you were thousands of miles away. I want you as a friend for another twenty. What sort of friend would I be to turn my back on you in your time of need?"  
"Thank you Babbington. You don't know what this means to me. I wish though it was enough. While it might satisfy Lady Denham and her demands, it will be all for nothing if we can't find the funds to rebuild the houses that were ruined in the fire. It's going to be bad enough trying to get investors in a pile of ash, so that we can repay the existing loans. We need income so that we can rebuild, and we need to do so quickly." Sidney found himself pacing back and forth in Babbington's drawing room, oblivious to the disappointed look on his friend's face.   
"Indeed, you are right. If only I had more to give you. I had thought of Crowe, but he hardly has enough to get by on as it is. If he was a first son he might have more but as he's a second son, the poor fool needs to marry rich as it is, a fact he often laments over."  
Sidney understood the demands on second sons. It was an unfair society, when the purse took precedence over the heart. He was thankful he had made enough in Antigua to enable him to marry where he wished. That thought brought him back to his comforting recollection of Charlotte. This time, it was of her, as she was in his arms, upon the cliff top walk after they had shared their first kiss. If only he had more money. If only she had more money. He annoyed himself with such thoughts. If she had more money, she would not be the Charlotte he had fallen in love with. He had seen the corrupting influence money had on people, Eliza was a perfect example of that.   
Sidney found himself stuck on the thought of Eliza and all her money. It rumours were true, she could be a possible solution. Would she consider investing in Sanditon? Even after all that had been said between them? Could he face going to her and more or less, begging for her help? His stomach cramped at the thought.   
"What about your extended family, Parker? Have you any rich relatives on their deathbeds, with inheritances to distribute?" Babbington was still considering the problems before them.   
"Unfortunately, not. They're all in extremely good health or without the required funds. More's the pity." Sidney smirked at the morbid discussion of hoping for a relative's imminent death. Babbington returned his smirk.   
"If I could find a buyer, I'd gladly sell all I own in Antigua. It's of little use to me as it currently stands. It's a good business but I need hard cash, now, not a steady income."  
"But what of your future, Sidney? What about you and Miss Heywood? How can you consider selling your business, so that Tom is bailed out of this mess? You have done all you can but that is a step too far."  
"I must try Babbington. If Tom's name is ruined, then our whole family is ruined. A business can be rebuilt. I built it from almost nothing and I could do it again. As for Miss Heywood, I hope I have judged her right and I don't believe she would care if I had ten thousand a year or a hundred a year. What she does care about is Tom, Mary and the children. She's as much a part of our family as it's possible to be."   
"I hope you're right Sidney. If you can even find someone who's interested in buying your business, on such short notice. How much are we talking about? I could spread the word if I knew some of the particulars."  
"Well there's the house, land and warehouse in Antigua. Warehouse here in London. Two cargo ships, the land and current assets. My accountant tells me it's worth thirty thousand at least, but I'd take twenty for a quick sale. It's going to take that to rebuild and get Sanditon back in the black, for a couple of months." Sidney felt some regret at the thought of ridding himself of all his association with Antigua but his priorities were his family and Charlotte. It would be a small price to pay to have some peace of mind.   
"I never thought you would be as reckless as Tom, Sidney. But this is madness. Sell some of it, you don't need to get rid of it all. What about Miss Lambe, might she buy part of your business or even invest in Sanditon? She's rich enough."  
"As her guardian I couldn't bring myself to influence her to do such a thing. It wouldn't be right. Her inheritance is hers and hers alone. I promised her father I would protect her and her fortune."  
"Have you even mentioned to her, the dilemma you are facing? She's a smart girl Sidney, she could make up her own mind."  
"She has no love for me or Sanditon, Babbington. I don't believe she would care if I ended up in debtors' prison. In fact she might be glad to be rid of me for a year or two."  
They both laughed at the thought of Georgiana, happy to see Sidney locked up.   
At that point the housekeeper reminded the two men that dinner was ready and as they sat down to eat, they agreed to not mention Sanditon or money for the rest of the evening. 

The next day was full of appointments for Sidney. He continued to meet with lenders to thrash out more amicable arrangements but the black cloud of financing the rebuild, still hung over his head. If only he could get someone to buy his business. His thoughts returned to Eliza Campion, as she was one of the few people of his acquaintance who might be in a position to spend so much, on such short notice. He believed it would be worth a brief visit and the worst she could do was refuse to see him. With the decision made, he sent a note to her requesting a brief meeting. 

Sidney was shown into Mrs Eliza Campion's drawing room and as he took a seat and waited for her to appear, he took note of the extravagance on display. It was opulently decorated with more consideration given to style than comfort. Sidney was far from impressed if this was a sign of Eliza's personal taste. After a delay of over twenty minutes Eliza entered the room. If she took delight from making him wait so long, he was happy to let her think she had scored an advantage over him, he had nowhere else to be until much later. His options were running out but he wasn't going to let her know of how dire things were.   
"Mr Parker. It was a surprise to receive your note earlier. I am intrigued to find out what you think that we could have to discuss. Especially after how matters were left between us so recently."  
"I thank you for the courtesy in accepting my request Mrs Campion. You have been most generous." Sidney smiled and bowed, trying to keep any signs of desperation from his demeanour.   
"Your note mentioned a business opportunity. I hope you're not trying to convince me to invest in that ridiculous rat hole of Sanditon? I would sooner buy a house of ice in Egypt." The snide tone in her voice grated on Sidney's nerves. He smiled in reaction to her scoffing and consciously unclenched his jaw when he felt the pain shoot through his head. So that was option one gone, he thought.   
"Not at all Mrs Campion. I believe this is an opportunity that will appeal to any sensible investor, such as yourself. I am interested in changing my line of business and have decided to sell off my Antiguan interests. You may not be familiar with what that involves but I have the particulars laid out in this document for your inspection. I have also included a value statement from my accountants."  
"I am well aware of your line of business, I had made enquiries when we recently reconnected. But how distasteful this is of you, Sidney. I have no wish to discuss business matters in my home and I rarely concern myself with such grubby affairs. My financial manager looks after such matters. You have heard of financial managers, Sidney? Although perhaps the Parkers have never had the need of such assistance. It is necessary when you have a great wealth, such as I."  
Sidney could feel a flush of anger rise to his face and his self control was being sorely tested. He wanted to roar at her, that only for her late husband she would have very little. He would've relished the opportunity to remind her that she had come by her great wealth by selling herself to the highest bidder. His anger was bubbling just below the surface but he knew he had to keep a lid on it, if he was to convince her to buy his business and unwittingly pull them out of the hell hole Tom had put them.   
"My apologies, Mrs Campion. I was not aware of how involved you might be with your investments. I will gladly meet with your manager, with your agreement. It is an excellent opportunity and I thought a modern lady, with your means would be glad of the opportunity to widen her interests into the area of import and export. You were the first on my list of entrepreneurs."  
"Really Sidney, is that how you think of me? Or am I someone with too much money who might throw an excessive amount in your direction, for the sake of old acquaintances?"  
"I promise you Mrs Campion, my offer is a financially sound one and many would consider this as an unmissable opportunity, that rarely comes along."  
"Why then, come to me? I thought our friendship was settled as something from the distant past. What has happened to make you come to me with this amazing opportunity?"  
"I am faced with somewhat of a time obstacle. I need to settle this matter quickly as there is a time sensitive opportunity for me to invest elsewhere. You are in the desirable position, I believe, to act promptly in this matter."  
"I am full of curiosity, Sidney. What investment are you sniffing around, perhaps it would suit me better?"  
"It is Sanditon, Mrs Campion. I have decided to become a larger investor in my brother's plans and would like to have a bigger say. As a result, I need to put more capital into the pot, so to speak." Sidney hoped he had distracted her enough so that she wouldn't question him on the urgency of his request. She did not need to know about the fire. If she did, then she would be at an advantage.   
"And people speak of your wise financial management, Sidney. How little they know of you! Only a fool would put any money into that place. The ridiculous regatta was enough to put off any serious investor. Sandcastles and rowing boats! The fun we had remembering the 'entertainment' that was advertised. It was so pathetic, it was comical, Sidney."  
Sidney felt every insult as if it was a physical slap to the face. His efforts to reveal nothing of his true feelings, were tiring him out.   
"I'll admit it is not on a par with Brighton nor Bath. But it's early days yet and I believe in my brother. I've also lost the taste for travel and would much prefer a more sedate existence in the place of my birth. Perhaps I'm becoming more sentimental in my old age." He tried another half smile. It used to be very successful with women and Eliza in particular. He was getting a feeling of increasing panic the longer she continued, without giving him any indication of her decision. He thought a little competition might encourage her along.   
"Well, I've taken up enough of your time Mrs Campion. I shall leave the details here with you but I must take my leave, as I have other meetings to attend with potential buyers.   
I thank you again for taking the time to meet with me. Good day to you Mrs Campion."  
Sidney bowed as he took his leave and felt his pulse race as he made for the door.   
"Very well, Sidney. I'll meet with my manager this evening and I'll contact you if I wish to proceed."  
"Very good madam. Good day."  
He took a deep breath as he left the oppressive surroundings of Mrs Campion's home. If this worked, it was the answer to his prayers. If it didn't, he was at a loss with what could possibly be done. All he could do now was go back to Bedford place and wait for a note from Mrs Eliza Campion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its great to get feedback and you're a very persuasive lot.


	22. A bargain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there will be a HEA bare with me!

The next morning came with the realisation for Sidney, that this needed to be his last day in London. His time was up. Lady Denham had given him a week and he feared what she might do, if he failed to appear back in Sanditon with some proposal. Babbington seemed to have faith in Lady Denham's word but he had known her much longer and had witnessed her rage when she felt slighted or insulted. As Sidney dressed for his day's appointments, he felt uneasy about the lack of funding for the rebuilding work that was needed. He had arranged some financial relief but it might not satisfy Lady Denham. His feeling of dread upset his stomach but at least by returning to Sanditon, he would see Charlotte again. The thought of her, brought to mind his dream from last night. While he felt his temperature rise at some recollections of the intimacies he had dreamt of, it was his imagining of his proposal to her and her response, that made him smile widely. He could still remember how he had dreamt, that they had walked again upon the cliff tops together and this time he had managed to get his full speech out, without interruption, and she had accepted him. Their delight was then expressed with some very physical intimacies. His collar felt a touch too tight and he decided to stop such thoughts if he was to achieve anything purposeful today. 

A letter arrived from Mrs Campion shortly after Sidney had finished what little breakfast he could manage. It was brief and merely requested his attendance at her home within the hour. He felt his pulse race at the thought that she might actually agree to buy his business and all would be well. His sense of elation had him rushing out the door. As he headed on foot to Mrs Campion's home, he missed a second messenger arrive at Bedford place with a message for Sidney. 

As he neared his destination, his thoughts again turned to Charlotte, her reaction when he was able to announce that their problems were sorted then he could again approach her with his true feelings and offer her his heart. He felt a spring in his step and an excitement he couldn't contain. This was happiness and his future was within touch. 

Mrs Campion was waiting for him this time and she greeted him with a much warmer reaction than he was expecting.   
"Mr Parker, you are very punctual today. I thank you for your prompt appearance."  
Mrs campion was dressed in a rich satin gown and Sidney couldn't help compare her to his Charlotte. There was a lot to be said for the natural beauty Charlotte exuded. Mrs Campion was all artifice and display.   
"I thank you for your note Mrs Campion. I always try my best to be punctual when my friends seek my presence."   
Sidney had planned to be as pleasant as possible, until some agreement was made. He wasn't fond of the grovelling and flattery that was expected in society but this time he felt it would be worth it.   
"Indeed Mr Parker. For that is what we are, friends?"   
She had a tightness around her mouth and frowned as she replied. Sidney's feeling of unease increased.   
"I would like to think so Mrs Campion. We have some fond memories of our past acquaintance, do we not?"   
His half smile was directed at her as he persisted with his planned charm offensive.  
"I know, I do, Sidney. And friends are those you rely on to be truthful and supportive when you have need of them." She replied with a very hard edge in her voice.   
"I agree wholeheartedly Mrs Campion. "   
His half bow and smile was intended to keep her sweet. He wondered if it was working.   
As she spoke of truth and support, it was Charlotte's face that sprung to his mind.   
"Do you Sidney? Why then have you lied to me? Why have you tried to deceive me?"  
Sidney gulped. His attempts to charm were soon forgotten. A sense of panic almost suffocated him.   
"I am confused Mrs Campion. In what way have I tried to deceive you? There must be some misunderstanding between us. Please allow me to explain how this confusion may have arisen. Pray what do you speak of?" He tried to remain calm in light of her obvious anger.   
"Sanditon, Sidney. Why did you not tell me of the fire?"   
She was most displeased but Sidney thought quickly over their previous conversation. He had not asked her to invest in Sanditon. She had shot that idea down before he even had an opportunity to suggest it. He had wanted her to buy his business as he wanted to invest in Sanditon. What could the fire have to do with his proposed business transaction?   
"Ah, the fire. The fire was a most unfortunate accident. It has claimed the life of one of Tom's workers. It is a most distressing event for all those who claim Sanditon as their home Mrs Campion and it's not something I wish to dwell on, if it can be helped. But at no time, have I lied to you."   
He believed he had explained enough, without revealing the dire situation the Parker family was facing. His sorrow was genuine and he saw she was taking on board all the facts as he distracted her from the accusation of deception.   
"You were trying to deceive me when you claimed you wanted to invest money in a pile of ashes. It was a ridiculous notion as an investment when it was all upright and in working order, but now it makes no sense Sidney. What is the real reason for seeking my money?"   
She was most insistent on knowing all his business but Sidney wasn't prepared to tell her everything. She knew all she needed to know. She had no right to know more.   
"My reason remains the same, Mrs Campion. I will invest more into Sanditon if you will agree to my business proposal. The fire may have caused a slight set back but I believe in it now, more than ever. There has been no deception on my part."  
"You really have lost all of your senses Sidney."   
She moved to look out the window and Sidney felt the need to pace but remained seated to give the illusion of calm. He could feel every minute to his deadline ticking away.   
"And will you agree to my business proposal? Have you had a chance to verify my information. Can you see it is an attractive offer?"   
He rose to stand and looked at her with his heart in his mouth. If she refused him he was likely to collapse with despair.   
"Indeed it is Sidney. A very attractive proposal, but I have a counter offer that might suit us both much better."   
She turned back to face him and the sly smile upon her face made Sidney worried.   
"please, proceed Mrs Campion. I am all ears."   
He could feel his heart pounding. This felt like a life or death scenario for Sidney. What was she going to suggest? Had she brought him here to make fun of him and belittle his family, home and business?   
"I propose an arrangement. It will solve problems for both of us. As I see it, you require some funds to invest in Sanditon and I need a partner to fulfill the conditions of my husband's will"   
She took the few steps necessary to bring her closer to where he stood.   
"And what are these conditions Mrs Campion?"   
His feeling of dread increased.   
"Mr Campion was a very traditional man. He was very set in his beliefs, as far as women and money were concerned. It was only when I investigated accessing the funds to potentially buy your business, that my lawyer pointed out the codicil that requires a spouse to agree to any investments over a thousand pounds."   
She stepped even closer towards Sidney. He put no thought into his reaction when he stepped back to put much needed space between them.   
Sidney felt his heart plummet into his shoes and his stomach turned over. He could predict what was coming next.   
"So you see, Sidney, I need a husband to get to my money. You need money and are available to be a husband. When I get my money, you would benefit. I believe we could make this arrangement work."   
Sidney raised his hands to clutch his head. A headache had appeared from nowhere and he felt trapped. 'But what of Charlotte, your Charlotte, dearest Charlotte' were the only words he could process. He barely heard Eliza as she continued. A cold sweat had broken on his neck, nauseous fellings were making him wish to be out of doors or merely away from Mrs Campion.   
"I accept there is no romantic feelings left between us but that is not what I am suggesting. This would be a convenience for us both. A bargain between friends."  
She came closer to him again and her convincing tone was accompanied by a fake smile.   
"A bargain? But what if one of us was to fall in love and wish to marry? What of our bargain then?"   
He wanted to tell her it was impossible as he was in love and was going to marry. It was then he had regretted not telling her of Charlotte when they had spoke at the regatta. If she had known of his affections, perhaps she wouldn't have suggested such a ridiculous plot. But then again, she might have been even more cruel in her treatment of Charlotte. No, his original gut instinct had been right. Now was not the time to rebuff her, after all what choice did he have?  
Sidney felt he was backed into a corner. She was handing him the money and all he needed to do was give the appearance of marriage.   
"I have no interest of a real marriage again Sidney. I had a real marriage and all it entailed and I have no wish to repeat the experience. Companionship would satisfy me. An escort to the events I'm invited to. The freedom to come and go as I please. The freedom to spend money on what and who I wish. Any romantic desires can be satisfied as I wish without a jealous and possessive husband watching my every move."  
Sidney felt revulsion at her last statement. Eliza had obviously given this a lot of thought but all he cloud think of was his wish to marry Charlotte. It was all he had thought of for the past seven days, when he wasn't trying to coax a better deal from an investor or lender. He felt like crying but the shock made him almost mute.   
"Companionship. Freedom. I can't believe you speak of marriage without any thought of love Eliza. What has happened to your heart? Was your marriage so awful?"   
He still refused to accept she was offering such a cold hearted plan to him.   
"It was not what I hoped it would be Sidney. I can't say it was awful. But my heart was not in it and I fear my heart may never feel again. I had thought you and I could rekindle my heart, the way we used to be, but you were right. We are different people now."   
Sidney noticed her sad tone was accompanied by a introspective look. Perhaps Mrs Campion was as damaged as he had been in the past ten years. Nobody truly knew what went on between a married couple.   
"Why me Eliza? Is there no one else you might wish to marry? Is there anyone else you might have a better chance of happiness with?"  
He was desperate to escape her suggestion, even though it might mean he wouldn't receive the money he so desperately needed.   
"I have thought of that Sidney. Even though I was suspicious of the recent revelations about the fire in Sanditon I am pacified with your explanation. There is none I trust, as I do you. Strange as that thought might be. Even though we have been apart this many years I believe you are still the honest man you always were. Another might take advantage of my arrangement and hinder me in my plans. There are very few men who would not relish the power that comes with the title of husband and that is what I fear the most. The powerlessness."   
Her half smile was a sad sight and Sidney felt a small amount of sympathy for her.   
"So to be clear, Sidney, I'm offering you thirty thousand pounds if you marry me. Twenty for your business and another ten for your discretion. Is it a bargain? Do we have a deal?" She had recovered quickly and was all business again. Her stern tone and direct eye contact was a bit alarming for Sidney. She was a very different woman from the one he once knew, or thought he knew. 

Sidney felt sick. His time was up and this was his only option. At least she wasn't asking for a real marriage. The thought of any sort of intimacy with her was abhorrent to him.   
But what of Charlotte? How could he agree to this and return to his darling Charlotte? But he had no other choice. If he refused Eliza, Tom was most likely to be sent to debtors prison and their family ruined forever, with Mary and the children homeless. He had no other choice.   
"I agree Mrs Campion. So .....will you marry me? Will we shake on our bargain?"  
She laughed lightly and came close to him again.   
"I will marry you Sidney. But I think we can do better than a handshake. There must be some signs of affection if we are to be believed."  
She reached up to kiss him on his cheek and her smile spoke of her delight.   
Sidney felt ashamed and disgusted. He had been bought and paid for. How would he ever face Charlotte again? 

As Sidney returned to Bedford place he saw the message he had missed, waiting for him on the hall table. He didn't recognise the writing but he decided to leave it as his mind was still full of all that had been agreed with Mrs Campion. He was to return in the morning to get a letter of agreement from her to show to Tom, Lady Denham and any other persons who might be entitled to know of their financial standing. The wedding would take place when a date was decided but the true nature of their arrangement was to be a secret between them. To all others, it would appear that they had rekindled their romance.   
Sidney went to the parlour and poured a large whiskey. His thoughts returned again to Charlotte. How was he ever going to explain to her what had been agreed? He wanted to tell her the truth. He needed her to know that there was no love between him and Eliza. He needed her to know that he loved only her. She would probably think he had been toying with her, for it looked like that when you only had his words and deeds to go on. If only he had proposed to her the night of the midsummer ball or even after their first kiss. He had made such a mess of everything. He felt tears on his cheeks as he tried to form the words he would use when he spoke to Charlotte. His dreams of her as his wife and their future children, their home in Sanditon, all of it was now an impossibility and he felt his whole body shake with shuddering sobs. 'My dearest Charlotte I'm so sorry' was all he could think to say and it turned into an endless plea as he remained in his armchair and continued to drink through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a tough one to write.


	23. The other letter

Sidney wanted to be physically ill. As the carriage made its way back to Sanditon, the contents of his stomach were on a return trip also. He banged on the roof to get the driver's attention to stop. He jumped out and rid himself of his meagre breakfast. It was as a result of too much whiskey and the tension caused every time he thought of his bargain with Eliza. As he stood looking out to sea, he gulped in as much fresh air as he could take. The sea was calm and picturesque but he wanted to be anywhere else only on the road back to Sanditon. How had his life got into such a mess? For years, as he remained in exile in Antigua, he believed himself to be heart broken but that was nothing compared to the emotions he was struggling with now. 

Charlotte. She was all he could think of. He could picture her, as she bid him a safe journey to London on his rescue mission. The look of love and encouragement that she had given him, had buoyed his spirits through many humiliating meetings. It had made him smile as he contemplated a happy ending to Tom's mess. He knew it was going to be almost impossible but he had no sense of relief as he journeyed back to his family. As he reached into his pocket to search for a handkerchief, so he could wipe his mouth, his hand found the promised letter he had obtained from Eliza that morning. A letter that would save his family from disgrace and ruination. A letter that meant he was going to be handcuffed to Eliza Campion for the rest of his life. A marriage that was for appearances only. No children, no love and no happiness. What a mess. But there was no other option. That fact was the only thing that was keeping him sane and Sidney kept repeating it over and over again. He had no choice. When he had went to Eliza this morning, she was cheerful and full of plans and even had three of her close friends with her. He had been shown in and introduced to them as her fiancé and somehow accepted their congratulations with a degree of believability. He was glad of the excuse of returning to Sanditon, when the talk turned to wedding dates and arrangements. In his heart he wanted to tell Eliza to keep her money but he would've returned with only some financial relief on their loans and no means of rebuilding the ruined terrace. That would've been unthinkable. He could never have looked Tom, Mary or the children in the face again, if he had turned down Eliza's offer. He couldn't have lived with himself. He wished he had no conscience or family loyalty. 

As he returned his handkerchief he realised there was another letter in his opposite pocket. It was the one that had arrived yesterday, while he was meeting with Eliza, the one he hadn't even opened last night, such was his emotional turmoil. He pulled it out and studied the handwriting again. As he opened it, he was still wondering who the sender might be. He looked immediately to the signature at the bottom and felt his heart stutter. He quickly read the letter, top to bottom, and felt another wave of sickness come over him. His hand trembled as he read the contents again, only this time more slowly. When he had reread the letter another time, he gave in and allowed his panic to spew forth onto the ground. He feel to his knees and started to sob with the crumpled letter clutched in his fist. He stayed there until his sobs had subsided and when the driver asked if he was in need of a doctor, Sidney realised he needed to gather himself and deal with this new information.   
What a mess he thought. He was cursed and this was the proof. 

He got back in to the carriage and continued his journey to Sanditon. This was even worse than finding out that Tom hadn't insured the buildings. It was worse than watching his father die. It was worse than being told of his mothers death when he was only nine. It was a mess and it was all his own making. If he'd been only been slightly delayed when he was summonsed to Eliza's, he might have received this letter in time to change everything. But he hadn't. What a mess. How could he explain it to Tom? Dare he even mention it? He had given his word to Eliza and there would be no way to renege on his engagement, unless she was to change her mind. He would have to keep it to himself because it was too late now. He felt the tears stream down his cheeks as he realised, all he had hoped for, had been within his grasp if that letter had only arrived sooner. He smoothed the letter out to read it again. Maybe it was a nightmare and he would awaken soon. 

Mr Parker,   
Our mutual friend Lord Babbington has informed me of a potential business arrangement that might be appropriate in enhancing my investment portfolio. I have long desired to have some interest in the import business. The information he was able to provide me was most tantalising and I would wish to discuss it further. 

Yours in anticipation,   
Lady Susan Worcester. 

He crumpled it up again. It was a nightmare all right, but there was no waking from this one. He was going to be living and breathing it for the rest of his life.   
He had a choice but it had come too late. Why had he not considered approaching her when he first went to London? While he had little knowledge or dealings with her, it would've been worth an enquiry. He raged at himself for the rest of the journey until Sanditon came into view. He considered ordering the carriage back to London. He wanted to rush back to Eliza return her letter, thank her and tell her another buyer had come forth. But there had been those women Eliza had introduced him to this morning, so word was already out. He decided that as he'd already made his proposal to Eliza he couldn't change that matter so there was no point informing anyone of Lady Susan's letter. It was going to be hard enough to forget it as it was. He needed to compose himself and figure out how he was going to tell Charlotte of the recent developments. His stomach clenched again. He just hoped he wouldn't break down in front of her. It was going to be bad enough and he needed to stay strong or he might not survive it. 

Sidney considered the words he was going to use to tell Tom of the arrangements, without revealing all that had been sacrificed. He thought it best to keep it to the minimum facts and if Tom acted to form, he wouldn't even care about the details anyway.   
As for Charlotte, he really struggled. She deserved to know it all, but he had given his word to Eliza that the real nature of their bargain would be between them only and he knew there was wisdom in that condition. But what to say? How to say it? When to say it? He wanted to turn the carriage round and return to London but he had given his promise to Eliza and he couldn't go back on his word. What a mess. 

"Sidney's back"   
Sidney had barely made it out of the carriage before Tom and the children swarmed him and hauled him into Trafalgar house, where the rest of the family were waiting.   
"Well Sidney. What news have you? Have you managed to save us?" Tom seemed to be on tenterhooks and his pallor was far from good. Mary stood behind him wringing her hands. Arthur and Diana were hovering in the background awaiting his answer.   
"Yes, I have made some arrangements. Enough I believe to satisfy everyone."  
"Wonderful, wonderful, I knew you'd do it Sidney. You always manage to work your charm."  
Sidney was disappointed in Tom's predictable reaction. If he only knew how close they had come to being ruined. Would Tom ever realise the consequence of his carelessness? Sidney doubted it. Mary looked happy but had given him a strange look. Perhaps his half smile wasn't as convincing as he had hoped.   
"This is excellent news. Oh, Charlotte, glorious news. Sanditon is saved." Tom exclaimed, bringing Sidney's attention to Charlotte's arrival into the drawing room. He felt his heart clench. She was a vision of loveliness.   
"Oh that's wonderful" her delight was evident and Sidney felt as if he had been stabbed through the heart. How was he to tell her what he had done? Would she ever forgive him? But it was the only choice, he kept telling himself. The only choice he was aware of at the time, his conscious reminded him. 

"Come along everyone. We must go and tell Lady Denham immediately. Sidney!"   
Toms exuberance was typical and Sidney wanted to roar at him. 'Damn Lady Denham, damn Sanditon'   
The assembled Parker family exited, leaving Sidney and Charlotte alone. Sidney could feel his emotions welling up as he gazed upon the face that meant everything to him. What had he done to deserve her love? What had he done to deserve this agony? Why could he not be happy? 

He could barely look at her, as her joyful expression changed to one of concern. She knew there was more to be said. He couldn't disguise his distress from her. He took the few steps necessary to bring him closer to her. Her nearness might give him the strength to say what he had to. He wanted to hold her in his arms but that was no longer an option for him.   
"What is it? She asked.   
He took a deep breath and struggled to get the words out.   
"Charlotte, my dearest Charlotte," he reached for her hand, as he was sure he would never get the chance to touch her again  
"I'd hoped, that when I returned, I would be able to make you a proposal of marriage." He thought he wasn't going to be able to continue as he was on the verge of either weeping or raging.   
"But that cannot be." he continued, a lump that might be his heart was stuck in his throat.   
The look on her face as she listened to him, was breaking his heart. He wondered if he'd be able to continue but he forced himself. She deserved to hear it from him.   
"The fact is, I've been obliged to engage myself to Mrs Eliza Campion."   
The tears filled her eyes, as he'd never witnessed before. His sense of shame and regret was tearing at his insides. If anyone else inflicted such pain on her, he would've happily thrashed the day lights from them, yet here he stood causing her grievous pain.   
"Please believe me if there was any other way to resolve Tom's situation, I would"  
He needed her to know that he loved her. He needed her to know that his hints of marriage and all the intimacies they had shared, were genuinely meant. He needed her to know that there had been no other option. His knowledge of Lady Susan's offer, was going to haunt him all his days and he felt it like a physical torture. A torture he deserved. 

"I understand. I wish you every happiness. Please excuse me." She rushed away from him in obvious distress. He heard her run up the stairs to her room and as he stood there he could hear her sobs from the floor above. His instinct was to go to her and comfort her, but as he was the cause of her pain, he knew it was best to leave her alone. Perhaps in time she would be glad to be rid of the heartless, cruel and hurtful being that he was. The 'Sidney' she had unveiled was an aberration. He didn't deserve any happiness and she deserved everything the world could give her, and more. Sidney collapsed into a chair and with his head upon his arms on the table, gave in to the tears he had struggled with. What a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> too many emotions but the HEA is getting closer.


	24. A wedding

Sidney stood by Babbington's side in front of the altar of Sanditon's church. There was still some time before Miss Denham was due to appear and they had already been there a half hour.   
"We could've waited in the comfort of the hotel Babbington. I'm tired standing around in the one spot." grumbled Sidney.   
"Hush, Parker. I'm not moving from this spot until Esther is joined to me as my wife. I've waited for two weeks since she agreed to marry me and I'm finding it almost impossible to believe she will finally be mine." The joy was written across his face and Sidney couldn't help but smile with happiness for his friend.   
"Babbington, old fellow, have you not come to your senses and made a run for it?" Crowe had appeared and made his way towards the two men stood at the front of the church. The three exchanged handshakes and laughed among themselves.   
"Crowe, some day you too will succumb to the charms of some young lady. You might even meet her today. Or perhaps you have already met her but in your intoxicated state you never appreciated her virtues." Suggested Babbington.   
"Perhaps I have Babbington. There are some ladies, who I expect to be here today, I'll be reacquainting myself with." He glanced towards Sidney and immediately Sidney thought of Charlotte and how Crowe had admired her in the past. If he meant to turn his attentions in that direction, he was going to do all in his power to hinder him. He had no right to dictate where her happiness was found, but if it was with Crowe, it was unthinkable. He decided to keep a closer watch on her today than he had already hoped to do. It was going to be bad enough, to be so much in her company, as she was attending Miss Denham as her bridesmaid and he was Babbington's best man. When Babbington had requested him to carry out the duty, he was honoured but when he had informed him of Charlotte's involvement, he almost declined. He had struggled to tell Babbington of his engagement to Mrs Campion and when he had, the look of disappointment on his face made Sidney believe that his friend had realised the real reason behind his sudden declaration. Thankfully he hadn't pushed Sidney for an explanation. 

At last, the rest of the wedding guests arrived and took their seats. Charlotte entered the church and walked slowly towards the altar, eyes downcast and Sidney struggled with his emotions, as he couldn't help imagine she was coming to meet him, on their longed for wedding day. A cough from Eliza broke his focus from Charlotte and as he glanced towards his fiancée he was brought swiftly back to earth. Miss Denham came up the aisle looking more attractive than Sidney had ever seen her. Gone was the hard edged shrew that he had known for years. Her transformation was amazing and his friend was trembling with nerves and happiness, as she took his hand. As the happy couple stepped forward Sidney couldn't help but glance towards Charlotte and at last she met his gaze and gave a small nod in acknowledgment. His heart lifted as he had feared she was going to ignore him completely. Perhaps they might be friends, he thought. 

As the ceremony concluded and the happy couple left to complete the necessary paperwork that accompanied a wedding performed on a special licence, Sidney knew it was his role to accompany Charlotte from the church. He offered her his arm and gave a small tentative smile to her. She paused too long, in his opinion, and his heart stalled as he contemplated her refusing his arm. At last, she lightly laid her hand upon his arm and walked quickly down the aisle with him. He was so engrossed in the feel and scent of her, that he failed to notice the nasty look Eliza threw in their direction. She had been vocal enough in her objection in attending the wedding in the first place. She was adamant in her hatred for Sanditon and only that it was Lord Babbington who was the groom, she would have refused to attend. Sidney would've been happy if she had stayed in London but with her here, he would be more conscious of his behaviour. As they left the church, Sidney found himself wanting to speak to Charlotte, to be the pleasant and positive Sidney she had unveiled. But he was at a loss on how to begin. She gave a small curtsy as she turned away and left him standing, as she joined Georgiana in awaiting the happy couple to emerge. He found himself unconsciously staying close to them and when Eliza appeared by his side, he couldn't even return her smile. He dwelled on how fortunate his friend had been in his choice of bride. When he had first declared his interest in Miss Denham, Sidney had thought him deranged but it showed him that he was a poor judge of others. Babbington had since confessed that Miss Denham had become more amorous and was very much in love, despite her public appearance. Sidney was delighted for Babbington, as many couples were rarely enamoured equally with each other. It was still the norm, to be matched according to status and wealth, with no consideration given to feelings. He had hoped to have more feelings than to merely tolerate his wife, but even that was a struggle, as Eliza became more ridiculous as the wedding plans progressed. Even though theirs was a bargain with business at its core, the outward appearances of devotion were wearing him down. Eliza was much too intimate in public and despite Sidney's objections, she insisted it was what he had agreed to. He felt more hatred towards her than anything and it was making him angry and miserable. Too many nights he had returned to Bedford place after a drinking session, with bruised knuckles and painful ribs. He was back to the cold and angry Sidney that had returned to England, angry at everybody and everything. Perhaps Eliza would jilt him if his behaviour became too unsavoury. 

As he watched Lord Babbington and the new Lady Babbington embrace, he felt some happiness again. The whole assembled wedding party shared in their obvious happiness.   
The wedding breakfast was planned for Lady Denham's palatial gardens and there had been no expense spared. Sidney found himself constantly surveying the group to keep a trace on Charlotte's whereabouts. He was going to intervene if he saw Crowe anywhere near her. Friend or not, Crowe would not entrap Charlotte into some scandalous behaviour. So far, Crowe had stayed away from her but for the past few minutes he had lost sight of Charlotte. He hadn't panicked for Crowe was in sight the whole time. At last he saw her in conversation with Lady Denham.   
"I'll wager we'll see you walk down the aisle very soon." He heard her declare to Charlotte, as he lifted some drinks from a nearby footman. His heart clenched as he feared hearing she had become engaged to someone. Perhaps James Stringer had succeeded where he had failed.   
"What do you say Mr Parker?" Lady Denham rarely missed an opportunity to let others know she was aware of all that went on around her. He knew it was no innocent question and as Lady Denham left to speak to someone, he thought the eyes of the wedding group was upon him. He needed to speak to her and be civil. He knew there would've been much speculation amongst their friends and he wanted everyone to know there had been no acrimonious parting.   
"How do you do Miss Heywood?" He quietly asked.   
She clenched her hands in front of her and looked at him with sorrow and dread in her eyes. She was still hurting and he felt the shame all over again.   
"Very well thank you. " she replied but she struggled to meet his gaze.   
"And your family, are they well?" He wanted to keep talking to her, no matter what the topic of conversation, as just being close to her was making him happy. He tried to drink in her beauty for he knew this might be the last time her ever saw her.   
"Very well." She bit out her reply. There would be no more teasing responses from her, and his heart ached.   
"How are your own wedding preparations?" She asked with a cautious tone to her voice. Perhaps she didn't want to know or maybe she dreaded hearing the details. Sidney could only hope she could one day accept what he had done. He might never forgive himself but she deserved to be happy and move on.   
"Elaborate." Was the best way he could think of the plans that he had no input nor interest in. He had even asked Eliza to stop informing him of her decisions, as it was of no consequence to him. She had laughed at the notion and told him to lighten up. On that occasion, he had silently left her home and went directly to a gentleman's club to get drunk.   
"Well, who would have thought planning a London wedding could be so exhausting" Eliza appeared by his side, linking in to him and taking a glass from his hand. He had to clench his jaw to stop from pushing her away. Her cloying scent was making him nauseous.   
"Perhaps we should have a simple country affair like this one, dear. Though I don't think it would be our sort of thing. Do you?" Her insulting tone was more pronounced than ever. How would he tolerate this woman for the rest of his life? This wedding was everything that was tasteful and far from a simple country affair, but Eliza was a snob and meant to hurt Charlotte. That much was obvious. He couldn't look at Charlotte, as Eliza prattled on and he remained silent, for if he was to speak, he was likely to rage at his doting fiancée.   
"Men what do they know. Good day, Miss Heywood." Eliza pulled him away from Charlotte and Sidney decided he would speak to Eliza later about her behaviour. 

As the wedding guests began to depart, Sidney found himself alone with Babbington.   
"Well, Lord Babbington. You are well and truly shackled now and yet I've never seen a happier prisoner." Sidney raised his glass in toast to his friend.   
"The happiest, Sidney. I thank you for your duty today, I know it can't have been easy, what with Miss Heywood and Mrs Campion both being here. But I will say this only once, dear friend. You must follow your heart, in all things, but especially in marriage. Look where it has led me? I will have my hearts desire by my side, for the rest of my days. She will make me happy, every time she takes my hand and every morning when I see her face beside mine. Can you say the same Sidney?"  
Sidney could merely look to his feet, as he considered Babbington's question.   
"I believe you know where my heart lies, but I am not so fortunate as you, friend. I have been unlucky in Sanditon, where you have had good luck shine down upon you."  
"It was a most fateful day when you brought me to Sanditon, Parker. I will owe you that favour for the rest of my life. But it is not too late Sidney, you are not married yet. Fate may yet intervene, as it has in the past. I refuse to believe you will end up with Mrs Campion, it would be too unfair. And Miss Heywood will be in Sanditon for another two days. You might get a chance to rectify matters before she leaves."  
Sidney smiled his half smile as he clasped his good friends hand.   
"I thank you for your good wishes Babbington but I fear fate has decided my future, regardless of fairness. Now go and enjoy your honeymoon. I don't want to hear all the details on your return but I will look forward to seeing you and your good wife back in London soon."  
As he and the remaining guests waved farewell to the newly married couple, Sidney felt jealousy swamp him. He felt Eliza attach herself to his arm but this time he shrugged her off. The angry look on her face might have made him cautious in the past but he wasn't prepared to be pawed in public indefinitely. He waited for Eliza by their carriage and handed her in without a word.   
Their return to London was an angry one and as he returned to Bedford place he knew he couldn't continue. Something had to be done.


	25. A plan

Would he dare to do what was proposed in the paper he held in his hand? Sidney had tossed and turned all night. He hadn't slept properly since he had made the bargain with Eliza. Between drinking, boxing and lack of sleep he was in a poor physical and mental state. Even Tom had noticed the last time he had been in Sanditon. That had been a week ago. 

He had returned for just the one day, to deliver some legal documents to Lady Denham and Lord Babbington. His visit to Trafalgar house was less than an hour in duration and the entire time he had been there he was on edge, hoping, yet dreading the chance to see Charlotte again. He knew it would be for the best, for both of them, that they didn't meet. As he left, he was sure he could smell her scent. He thought she had been close at hand, but as he had paused and held his breath, preparing himself for the impact of her presence, he realised it was her coat, hung upon the coat stand in the foyer, that had triggered his senses. He reached out to caress the sleeve, as he recollected his first meeting with her on the cliff walk with Mary. He smiled to himself when he pictured her confusion when he hadn't remembered her name and mistook her for a maid. How things had changed. 

When he had met with Babbington on that visit, it was clear as day that marriage was agreeing with his long time friend.   
"I must admit Babbington, I've never seen you looking so happy or content. You're a most fortunate man." They shook hands as this was the first time they had met since the wedding, then a fortnight ago.   
Babbington seemed to glow such was his wide smile. He also looked years younger.   
"I've never been so happy or content, Parker. I thank God and my wife, every morning, for their existence. It is an institution I highly recommend, Sidney. With the correct partner, of course." Babbington threw him a searching look.   
"Of course" agreed Sidney.   
"You, however, look ghastly. What is ailing you? Have you time to consult with Dr Fuchs while you are here?" The concerned look he received from Babbington made Sidney wonder if he was even worse in appearance than he had seen when he looked in the mirror that morning. His self loathing was enough to make him avoid all mirrors completely.   
"I have no need of a physician to heal my ills, Babbington. I am quite sure of what my ailment is. But thank you for your concern. Perhaps a break from London might improve my spirits, but not currently possible. There is much to be arranged for a wedding, I'm told, yet my opinions have little influence, but my presence is insisted upon."  
Sidney tried to make light of the agony his existence in London had become.   
"Ah, the wedding is still going ahead then? I had thought there would be a date set by now. When there had been no banns announced, I had thought maybe there had been a change to your plans."  
"Indeed, there has been no definite date set, as yet. Planning for the presence of so many of the beau monde is a scheduling nightmare, I'm told. I am in no hurry to become so settled Babbington. No special licence for me."  
"There was a time, not long ago, I thought you would've been a married man before me. It was another wife I had imagined you with and a special licence would've been even too much to wait for, from what I could see during the mid summer ball" The two men exchanged wry smiles as both were sure of the others meaning.   
"Perhaps, Babbington, perhaps. But that was not to be. Fate intervened and here I am, a shell of a man."  
There was a silent pause that stretched past several minutes as both men lost themselves in thought.  
" I trust I can be quite candid with you Babbers? You know me long enough and I have shared with you much of what has happened. But I fear I will not be able to go through with it. I can't contemplate a marriage to Eliza without a feeling of immense pain and illness, almost bringing me to my knees. So I don't think of it. I pretend it isn't happening. I pray every night that if morning comes, I will awake to realise it was all a nightmare. Some nights I even pray not to awake"   
Sidney sat with his head clasped within his hands. His elbows resting upon his knees. The most dejected of sights.   
"That sounds most dire. Is there nothing to be done Parker?"   
Babbington was on his feet pacing back and forth, in front of the fire. They had been meaning to share some refreshments in Lady Denham's newly refurbished drawing room.   
"If I could get Eliza to break the engagement, I believe I can still deal with Tom's mess, but she is so caught up in the plans I fear there is no way to persuade her otherwise. She is quite determined to get married, to me or someone else, it might not even matter who the groom is. Do you know of anyone else who might wish to marry a rich widow?"  
Again Sidney hoped that the mood could be lightened with some humour.   
"There are some names that come to mind Sidney. I will give it much thought and let you know. You are serious about this? You don't speak in jest?"   
"I stood by the docks yesterday, Babbington, and I considered booking passage on a boat, any boat, to take me away from my troubles. It was only the thought of my nieces and nephews that kept me from walking up the nearest gangplank. Does that sound serious enough for you?" Babbington paused to study his friend as he had stood and went to gaze out the window. Little did he realise that Sidney was focused on the spot in the garden where he had briefly spoken to Charlotte at the wedding.   
"Well, don't do anything stupid Sidney. I believe there will be a satisfactory outcome to all of this. We just need to keep trying. Don't give up hope. Not yet."  
Babbington placed a supportive hand on Sidney's shoulder and he was glad of the positivity from his friend.   
"I won't Babbington. You're a good friend. I hope you are right and not just this optimistic as a result of your wedded bliss."  
The men shared a small smile.   
"I didn't give up hope Sidney and it was worth it. Every set back, every insult, has just made everything more worthwhile. Nothing worth having comes easily, Sidney."  
"You are right Babbington. And there's no one worth more to me than Miss Heywood."  
Sidney knew his face was showing his deep sorrow and agony. He wasn't that good an actor in front of his friends.   
"Have you seen her or spoke to her since our wedding?" Babbington asked cautiously.   
"I have not and while I crave the sight or sound of her, I fear my strength would fail me if we were to meet. The longer I have dwelled on what I have done to her, the more I fear her reaction. She would be right to hate the very sight of me. But it would hurt more if she were to be indifferent to me. So I avoid her. I had considered writing to her. I know it would be most inappropriate. But these days I find I don't care about society and it's stupid rules. A scandal couldn't bring me any more pain than I'm already suffering through?"  
Babbington again patted his shoulder.   
"But every time, I feel as if I have put all I had hoped, to paper, I find myself fearing the words are not adequate and I lose my nerve. There's at least a dozen unsent letters within my belongings. Some day, maybe, I'll gather enough courage to take the gamble."   
Sidney realised his friend was studying him much more closely than he had ever done in the past.   
"You are much changed Sidney. I never thought you would be fearful of sending a letter. I've received many a cutting missive from yourself."  
They both laughed aloud at the reference of how blunt Sidney was when it came to written communication. His letters were famous for being factual and succinct.   
"Much improved, I once was, Babbington. But it's the response I fear, or no response at all."   
Sidney returned to his serious tone quickly as he remembered the midsummer ball when Charlotte had used such a phrase, as he was about to propose to her. That night featured prominently in his nightmares.   
"I feel for you Sidney. It cannot be tolerated. Something must be done." The passion in Babbington's voice was encouraging but Sidney was afraid to hope for a resolution.   
"I agree husband, and something will be done, if I have any say in the matter. I am a fearsome foe Mr Parker but I'm an equally passionate friend. You, as my darling husband's closest friend, will have my allegiance and to Miss Heywood, I owe a debt of gratitude. You will return to London Mr Parker, but you will hear from Lord B within the week. Charlotte leaves for home at the end of next week, so we must make moves quickly before she out of our reach."  
The arrival of Lady Esther Babbington was with her usual decisiveness and firmness. She headed directly to her husbands side and took his arm. The smile on Babbington's face was blinding and Sidney felt a jolt of jealousy.   
"My darling, Lady B, you should not eavesdrop. It is not an attractive trait." He clasped the hand that she had rested upon his chest.   
The teasing between the pair reminded Sidney of how he and Charlotte had exchanged many a barb in jest. He missed that interaction. With Eliza, he found it best to stay silent and merely agree to her wishes. There were days when as he left her, he found he had perhaps only uttered a dozen words to her. His stomach clenched as he thought of her and their future. He was brought back to the present when Lady Babbington turned swiftly to her husband.   
"And allow you men to sit and mope? To allow matters to become infinitely worse? I should apologise Lord B but this is who I am and who you have married. Do you not wish for the opinion of your wife?" She turned a smiling face up to her husband and it was evident she was sure of the answer she would receive.   
"Always, my dearest. You are always to say what you wish and of course, you are right. We must make a plan and move forward. Matters cannot remain as they are. Parker, I will write to you as soon as my wife has a plan and I might even be permitted some input"

So here he stood with the letter from Babbington in his hand. Within it there was indeed a plan. A very good plan in Sidney's opinion, which involved some surprising players. What it proposed would take courage and risked scandal but the prize was worth it. Last night's dream of Charlotte, approaching him up the aisle in Sanditon church, as his bride, was maybe not so ridiculous. He felt a glimmer of hope from within and thought even the weather was much improved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEA is getting closer


	26. Dare to dream

Sidney's heart was racing and there was a lump in his throat as he climbed the steps to the front door of Eliza Campion's London home. What he had to do was going to require a cool head, nerves of steel and some acting. There was much at risk with how this meeting went. 

He was escorted to the drawing room as the butler went to inform Eliza of his unexpected arrival. If she was as inconsiderate as normal, Sidney knew he had at least thirty minutes to wait. He settled himself and thought back over what had transpired over the last two days. 

Shortly after the delivery of Babbington's letter, he had an unexpected visit from Crowe. He had appeared with an invitation to a ball for that night in Lord Whitney's home. It was as much as a surprise to him as it was to Eliza, when he saw her there. Sidney and Crowe knew they had to follow the suggestions from Babbington's letter as much as they could. The plan was to carouse and behave in a most ungentlemanly manner. Crowe was particularly adept at gaining the attention of everyone with his boisterous manner while Sidney found that he had actually enjoyed shirking the yoke of decorum, even if it was on a lesser scale than Crowe. Eliza had given him a stern look several times, across the dance floor and was far from pleased when Sidney merely raised a glass to salute her in return. She had approached them several times to try and separate Sidney from his friend, under the guise of getting Sidney to dance but, for this cause, he was happy to give the illusion of being much more intoxicated than he actually was and loudly declined Eliza's suggestions. Sidney had a suspicion that Crowe was elaborating the effects of the alcohol they had consumed. 

"Sidney you must stop this behaviour, this instant. You are embarrassing me and yourself with this scandalous behaviour. Stop now or I will have to leave." Hissed Eliza.   
"My dear, I would be most sorry if you felt compelled to leave but that must be your decision. I am enjoying the company of a dear friend and we are merely making the most of our diversions. Is that not what is supposed to happen at a ball? Are people not supposed to enjoy themselves?" Sidney was feeling ebullient in his subterfuge.   
"Mrs Campion, you are much altered. You used to be such a happy and joyful young beauty. I'm afraid you are quite the opposite, in every way. What has time done to you? " Crowes comment was at such a volume that many of those surrounding them turned and laughed at his statement that Eliza turned red with rage. His insults did not go unnoticed.   
"Maturity, Mr Crowe, must come to us all. I hope you will realise that soon or I can't see you being in our company much in the future."   
The venom that dripped from her rebuke was unmistakeable. The hatred in her look would've shrivelled a lesser man.   
"Do you hear that Parker? That sounded like a scolding I got from a nanny I once had, horrible old harridan she was. Never liked her. Drink up Parker, the night is young and maturity is fast approaching. Hurry, Parker, hurry."   
The surrounding crowd tittered along with Crowes exaggeration.   
Crowe and Sidney laughed loudly together as they clinked glasses and tipped the contents on their ends and grabbed another from a passing tray. Sidney met the venomous glance from Eliza as she spun on her heel and stormed off. 

"As predicted Sidney. Your intended cannot cope with being embarrassed in front of her high society friends. Your reputation as a sullen and angry beast is on its way to being restored. My reputation, as a bad influence is beneficial for once. If you would only dance with some of those young ladies, who have been drooling over you since we arrived, then you might push Eliza over the edge entirely and she might cancel the engagement right here in front of everyone."   
Crowes quiet and secretive whisper reminded Sidney of the purpose of their presence.   
"As tempting as the idea is to have Eliza set me loose, I will not act in such a way that might put notions into the heads of innocent young ladies. I do not need another mess to deal with. An angry father or brother is the last thing I wish for. Tonight's task is to annoy Eliza and make her rethink a future married to me. If Lady Worcester does her part, then we should see Eliza dancing by very soon with her ideal man."  
"But I'm having too much fun to stop now Parker. I feel I might have found my calling with this plotting. I wonder is there money to be made in annoying the wives of gentlemen for I am naturally suited to it."  
Sidney found himself throwing his head back in laughter as Crowe left him to speak to Eliza. From his viewpoint it seemed as if Crowe was apologising for his behaviour and Eliza looked to be softening until whatever he said next made her storm off again.   
As Crowe returned to Sidney's side he said,   
"Natural talent, Parker. I've an inbuilt ability to both charm and insult it would seem. Never thought it would be useful until tonight."

As the night progressed they maintained the illusion of being entertained by drink and gambling yet they were both conscious of the second part of the plan that was required. Now that Sidney was paying more attention he was right in his assumption that Crowe actually consumed very little and much of his boisterous behaviour was an act. They both awaited the appearance of Lord Hay. He was a recently arrived and widowed distant cousin of Babbington's from Ireland. He had the title, and lands but most importantly, the pedigree that would appeal to Eliza. He was on the search for wife number three and already had his heirs so there would be no demand on Eliza, except to live the life she had always aimed for. He rarely travelled to London except to make appearances at the royal court, while most of his time was spent touring the continent following the better weather and awaiting the death of his father so he could claim the earlship he would be inherit. He was the perfect husband for any lady seeking to move up through the ranks of society. Lady Worcester was to ensure his presence here tonight and Sidney was curious to see the man for himself. Crowe had told him the little of what he knew of him and he was reassured that there was no known cruelty to the man. Sidney might not love Eliza, but he wouldn't wish to see her attached to a cruel man. At last they saw a stranger dancing by with Eliza in his arms. Sidney noticed Lady Worcester standing nearby and exchanged a nod and a smile with her. His attention returned to the mysterious Lord Hay. While he was at least ten years older than Eliza, he was of a tall and lean stature, with what some would describe as a classically handsome face. His skin was quite tanned and it suited him making him much more striking within the room of pale Londoners, his bright blue eyes being very noticeable from a distance. His clothing was very fashionable and expensive, mostly likely from a Paris fashion house, Sidney guessed. He really was the male version of Eliza and from their interaction with each other, they seemed very well suited. A golden pair of peacocks strutting in their finery for all to admire. As he watched them dance around the ballroom, Eliza threw Sidney a look which had a touch of flirtation to it and added more flourish to her actions with her dance partner. He turned away so he could disguise his smile, as he realised she was trying to make him jealous. Their plan was working. His part now was to look disgusted and storm out of the ballroom making their next venue loudly known to all within earshot.   
"Come, Parker, you've been cuckolded enough for one night, there's a lovely place on Drury lane we can visit for some company." Sidney blushed with embarrassment at Crowes loud declaration. If those who studied his appearance took it for rage, then so bit it. They needed Eliza to think that he was jealous enough to leave and scandalous enough to visit a bordello. 

As they left the ball together, Crowe made enough of a disruption that almost everyone noticed their departure. Sidney even saw Eliza return to the dancefloor with Lord Hay with a delightful smile upon her face. It would seem she had forgot about Sidney Parker and for that he was glad. He would be happy if she was happy.   
Lady Worcester was also passed on their way out. After they had greeted each other she quietly murmured.   
"Mr Parker, I hope you have had a most enjoyable evening?"   
"One of the most enjoyable I can remember in quite some time, Lady Worcester. I thank you for your notice."  
"Indeed Mr Parker. I am glad for it. We must meet soon, to discuss some matters, of business and such."  
"You are most welcome, at any time Lady Worcester. I am your humble servant, forever more"

Now he and Crowe had to be seen entering the notorious boarding house and while leaving immediately, they were not to be so noticeable. Word had to reach Eliza that they had went there and had remained within. It was but a short carriage ride to their destination and as they entered, Sidney was reminded of the last time he had visited, when he had instructed Charlotte to remain in the carriage and she had completely ignored his order. He smiled at the foolishness of him attempting to tell Charlotte, not to do anything she wished to do. He understood her much better now and he didn't think he would even try to order her to do anything. Discussion, explanation and understanding was what he wanted for their future. A future that he was working at mending.   
While their visit was brief, Sidney found the scenes and scents disgusting and wondered at the man he was when he had resorted to such past times. Maturity had found him and he was glad of it, but mostly his desire was for one woman only and she was still in Sanditon. Or so he hoped. He had little more than a week to drive Eliza away from their engagement. 

As he heard the footsteps of Eliza approach the drawing room he straightened in the chair. He was expecting a scolding of epic proportions, so slouching was not needed to be added to the list on this occasion. He had intentionally not shaved and wore his most ill fitting coat, to add to the haggard look that angered Eliza. He was giving her so much ammunition to criticise him, he almost laughed.   
"Mr Parker, I am surprised to see you today. I was expecting you yesterday, to come and make your apologies. Did you not receive my request for a meeting? I sent it yesterday." She was already simmering with anger. The delay of a day had added to her vehemence.   
"My apologies Mrs Campion. I have not been feeling the best. I have no recollection of receiving a summons, sorry, request. If I had received such a missive I would definitely have been here. Are you quite sure you sent such a message?"   
He took some delight in watching her rage increase.   
"I am most decidedly sure, Mr Parker. I believe you were unwell, for you look most ill but I have no sympathy for you. You deserve no sympathy from me. Your behaviour at Lord Whitney's ball was despicable. Your were an embarrassment to me. People know we are engaged to be married, Mr Parker. And yet, you behaved so like your licentious friend that you gave the illusion you were single and care free. How do you explain yourself, Mr Parker? Have you no care for my feelings? Is this what I am to expect from my husband?"  
With every utterance of 'Mr Parker', Sidney was secretly delighted. No longer was he 'dearest Sidney'. The cracks were starting to form.   
"Mrs Campion, I apologise most profusely for your embarrassment. However, I fail to understand what behaviour was so abhorrent to you. We were at a ball. I did not dance with you, and for that I am sorry, but you know me too well, dancing has never appealed to me."  
Sidney thought of the truth - except when it's my darling Charlotte in my arms. Then I could dance all day and all night. He continued his argument with Eliza.   
"But I did not dance with anyone else. I kept my company to my long time friend, to ensure I did not offend or speak out of turn with any acquaintance of yours. We confined ourselves to the card tables, where many other men spend their hours and I even left with a small profit. If Crowe had not been there I might have been tempted to gamble more, as I was just getting a taste for it when he made me leave."   
He smiled inwardly as he watched the disgust cross Eliza's face for Crowe was the very opposite of a steadying influence. He was not done yet.   
"Are you not pleased that I did not gamble away all your money? Alas, Mrs Campion, what was so displeasing in my behaviour? It was the behaviour of most husbands and likely will be mine. I might even come to enjoy all the balls you drag me to, if they were passed in such a manner."  
'think on that my dear as that will be your future Eliza or as I hope you might believe it' Sidney thought to himself.   
She had paled significantly as Sidney planted the seeds of doubt in her mind.   
"I have no wish to drag you anywhere, Mr Parker . Our agreement was that you were to accompany me and play the part of fiancé until such times as we are married. Public appearances were part of the bargain. An escort is necessary for these events. I take no pleasure in arriving unaccompanied to balls and the like. It is not the done thing."  
Appearances were everything to her as Lady Babbington had rightly identified. Damage her in appearance to others and she would wish to be rid of him.   
"And yet you were already there when I arrived. A lack of fiancé did not keep you from Lord Whitney's ball. And I could see you did not want for company as I left. Just who was the gentleman who as enjoying your dancing Mrs Campion? You seemed most welcoming."  
She smiled slightly as she seemed to believe Sidney was asking because of jealousy. The plan was to prod her into comparing her new ideal against her past one. The attractions of Lord Hay were way beyond anything Sidney could ever hope to achieve. Attractions for Eliza, being titles and entitlement. Another well aimed arrow from Lady Babbington. Sidney was glad of Babbington, for his clever wife and his fortunate relative. Fate had played its part again by having Lord Hay widowed and in London, at such a convenient time.   
"That was Lord Hay. A new acquaintance and quite the gentleman in fact. You could learn a lot from him, Mr Parker. He is everything a gentleman should be. I also happened to accidentally meet with him yesterday. He's staying with Lady Worcester I believe. He's a good friend of the prince, so will be in town for a few weeks. I wouldn't be surprised if I should happen to meet him again. We are very much within the same circle of friends. I had forgot how important good friends are. Something you fail to realise, Mr Parker."

Sidney's heart rose in his chest, with every criticism she directed at him. Lady Worcester was throwing Lord Hay into the path of Eliza with natural ease and would continue to do so over the coming weeks. Sidney was to stay away and when possible, behave just badly enough to annoy Eliza, without causing too much scandal to Sanditon and any future he might have with Charlotte. His bad behaviour at the ball would be largely blamed on Crowe and it was a task he relished. Crowe had several other escapades planned so that Sidney's reputation would be sullied a little more. 

"Again, my deepest apologies Mrs Campion, but I fear I am much too set in my ways to seek new friendships. My friends will have to satisfy us, for I don't foresee our circle widening after we are married and settled in Sanditon. Now, was there anything else you wished to speak of while I am here? Have you settled on a date for our wedding perhaps?"  
Eliza was obviously most displeased at the thought of being stuck in Sanditon, with Crowe for company. Babbington was to be credited with this part of the plan.   
"I am most distressed in trying to settle on a date. There is much to consider and arrange and I shan't be rushed. And your recent behaviour has been very distracting. You may leave if you wish Mr Parker and we will meet again tomorrow, at two I think would suit best."

Sidney was happy to quit and allow Eliza time to stew on their discussion. With more exposure to Lord Hay and with Lady Worcester highlighting his virtues, Sidney believed it would be mere days before Eliza requested a split. She would not wish to delay in getting her hooks into such a winning prize as Lord Hay.   
"As you wish Mrs Campion. Until tomorrow."

Sidney left with a lift to his step. Things were coming together nicely.


	27. A painful meeting

Sidney paced back and forth in the drawing room of Bedford place. His conscience had pricked him awake early that morning and he knew in his gut he couldn't wait any longer. She was due to leave Sanditon today and he didn't know when he'd be able to see her again. He was torn in deciding between going to see her before she returned to Willingdon or stay in London and continue to work on the plot to drive Eliza into breaking their engagement. 

He thought back over the last few days, to how Eliza had made excuse after excuse to avoid his company. She had reportedly been out and about, in all the fashionable places, with Lord Hay amongst her usual companions. Crowe and Lady Worcester had done their parts, as they collectively continued to push and tease her into changing her mind. Sidney knew they were almost at their goal and today could very well be the day when she summonsed him to make the final official end of his commitment to her. He was part delighted and excited, but there was another part of him that was pulled towards Sanditon and his dearest Charlotte. 

He really had no choice, he told himself, as he mounted his horse and headed off at a gallop for the coast. He needed to see her, before she returned to her home and approaching her there would be a much more difficult occurrence. The miles passed quickly and he hoped he hadn't delayed too long and might miss her departure from his brother's home. The scenery was lost on him as his mind was full of the images of Charlotte and all the times they had met, the amicable and tense encounters. 

When he needed to stop and rest his horse, he realised it was painful to him, for he felt every minute was an hour, such was his anticipation to see her again. 

His last sight of her had been the day after Babbington's wedding, when he had been heading towards 'their cove' for a swim and saw her returning from her own swim. The sight of her, with bonnet in hand and her hair damp and curling upon her shoulders, made him smile. At the time, he wished they could meet once more at that cove and this time he would deal with it in a very different way. Now that he knew her better, he believed he could tempt her into joining him in the water, regardless of the potential scandal.   
She had trusted him when they went rowing together, unchaperoned, with plenty of folk around to see them.   
She had trusted him when they had travelled through London, in their pursuit of Georgiana.   
She had trusted him when he succumbed to temptation and kissed her during their walk along the cliffs.   
He just hoped she had some trust left, even after he had come back from London engaged to Eliza. He believed she understood he had no choice. She was so fair minded about such things and her concern for Tom, his family and Sanditon was unquestionable. That part of her was one of her most admirable traits. Sidney hoped he could be that understanding someday instead of the selfish rage that blinded him now every time he had to deal with Eliza or Tom. 

The thought of Tom made him slow his horse. He didn't want to deal with Tom or Mary as he said his goodbye to Charlotte. He didn't think he'd be able to pretend in front of them and he was still superstitious enough to not believe that everything would work out. His life, so far, had seemed doomed and the glimmer of a happy future was sometimes too good to be true, to his cynical mind.   
He almost turned and returned to London but the compulsion to ride on and just see her, made him continue. He would wait for the carriage on the road out of Sanditon and the Parker's carriage drivers would certainly stop at his request. He reached his planned look out spot and dismounted to wait. 

Sidney lay back in the long grass as he let his horse graze and in the distance he could see Sanditon. The charred terrace was barely visible from his position but it was there, it was always there, in his minds eye. The ruined buildings that had, potentially, ruined his life. Over the past few weeks he often became bitter and angry and switched between blaming Tom for his lack of insurance, to blaming Old Stringer for having a heart attack, and even at times, blaming Mary for interrupting him at the midsummer ball when he was desperate to spend time with Charlotte and get her agreement to his proposal. In fact, everyone had been blamed for different reasons, for the misery he was suffering and the pain that had been inflicted on his darling Charlotte. 

As he waited he considered what he was going to say to her.   
He wanted to tell her to stay and wait another few days, until things were definitely ended with Eliza. But that would be an unfair request, as their plan was working but there couldn't be a definite day when he would be sure he would be free.   
He wanted her to know he was working on sorting out a solution but if everything went wrong, again, it would be even more cruel to have teased Charlotte with more promises.   
He realised he just needed to see her and tell her what was in his heart. He thought she knew he loved her. He had made enough indications that he did, he hadn't said the words but surely she knew. She wouldn't have let him kiss her if she hadn't known his deepest feelings.   
He needed to touch her and if she was to tell him of her feelings, he knew it would be a gift that would make his determination to end things all the stronger. There had been dark moments, as he spent time in London, when he had doubted her feelings for him. He dreaded the notion that he had damaged her opinion of him so much that she would never forgive him for what he had done.   
His desperation to see her was making him anxious and nervous. Waiting was not one of his best traits. 

Before too long he saw the Parker carriage make its way towards his position and he mounted his horse and took off to meet them on the road. His heart was racing with excitement as he called out for them to stop. As they came to a complete stop, Sidney saw her, as she looked out the window, confused at why they had stopped in the middle of nowhere.   
When she saw him, he believed there was a certain brightening to her face but his heart was pounding so hard at the sight of her, he struggled to stop himself from running to her. One of the drivers took his horse as he strode towards her. She was a sight for sore eyes and he longed to clasp her in his arms and never let her go. As he approached her, she seemed weary of his presence and he couldn't blame her. He had hijacked her and now appeared, after leaving her to suffer the embarrassment with everyone in Sanditon knowing of his engagement to Mrs Campion. What she must have suffered. It had caused him more than a few sleepless nights. He owed her an apology and he hoped she would accept it. 

As he got close to her, he struggled to breathe. He was tempted to drag her into him and kiss her for the rest of his days and damn the witnesses. She was his and he was hers. They belonged together. Her lips were temptation themselves and he struggled to look away from them. When he looked into her eyes he could see hope and dread swirling around.   
"I couldn't let you go without.." He couldn't continue as emotions overwhelmed him. Having her this close and yet not touching her was painful.   
"Tell me you don't think too badly of me" he begged. He held his breath as he waited on her reply. Now was when he might discover that he had hurt her too much and all the plotting and planning had been for nothing. She could probably hear the hammering of his heart he thought.   
"I don't think badly of you" she whispered as tears filled her eyes. The sight of those tears was like a lance to his heart. He was still hurting her but he couldn't risk telling of what was taking place in London, for he still feared Eliza would foolishly stick to him. He still was afraid to believe all would be resolved.   
"I don't love her you know" he had it said before he realised he had so much more to say but she interrupted him.   
"You must not speak like that. She loves you and you have agreed to marry her. You must try to make her happy." He looked at her as his heart tumbled through his chest. What she was saying was painful to hear but she was still thinking of everyone else, as she thought of Eliza's feelings in her chastisement of him. She was unique. He was certain Eliza would never be so generous if it was the other way round. He loved this loving and generous woman so much, he struggled to stop himself from falling to his knees and begging her to demand he live up to his commitment to her.   
"Yes, yes, you are right, I have to fulfil my side of the bargain."   
He hoped she would see the truth of the engagement by his use of the term 'bargain'. That was all it was. He wished he could tell her the full truth of everything but his fear of more doom kept him quiet, even though it was killing him on the inside.   
He studied her beloved face as he knew this might be the last time he ever saw her again. For her sake, he needed to let her go and if all went to plan in London, then he could meet her again. If their plan failed then he needed her to be free of him, so she could move on and find another. Someone who wouldn't hurt her as he had.   
"Good bye Charlotte."   
He wanted to hold her close but that would be impossible for him, to then have to let her go. He realised he was leaning in to give her a last kiss and had to pull back. That wouldn't be fair to either of them, even though it would sustain him for years without her. He felt tears begin to form and needed to end this before he crumbled.   
"I wish you every happiness " he stated firmly and he meant every word.   
He hoped that her happiness would be with him.   
He hoped it would be soon but he couldn't say so.   
He could see Charlotte was struggling to keep from sobbing and he felt it to his very core. She turned away from him as she said "Goodbye" and returned to the carriage.   
He paused as he fought the urge to pull her from her seat or even join her, but he knew the time was not yet right. The fear of more bad luck hung over him as he closed the carriage door. She gave him a quick glance before he stepped away to allow them to continue on their way. As he took the reins of his horse and watched the carriage move off he could feel the tears gather and spill onto his cheeks. 

He felt the torture of watching her leave and while there was a glimmer of hope he knew that Charlotte was broken in how things had seemed to be.   
She was returning to her family without the knowledge that Mrs Campion was on the verge of ditching him and Lady Worcester was to financially come to the aid of Sanditon.   
She was not aware that it might be mere days before she would see him again.   
But as Sidney watched the carriage disappear from view, he chastised himself for the pain he had inflicted on her, with his appearance on this cliff side. 

He needed to get back to London and sort things out, once and for all. He was done with waiting about and he couldn't allow Charlotte to spend a minute longer suffering all that he had done to her.   
He mounted his horse and took off at a gallop with tears blinding him. 

If he had only waited a few minutes, to get his emotions and anger under control, maybe he would've been in better control of his horse as it reared up and threw him from his saddle. As he lay on the remote cliff path he had taken, he moaned in pain as he lost consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay tuned there will be a HEA


	28. mysterious memories

It was the pain that first registered with Sidney as he came awake. His head was pounding and the shooting pains in his arm and leg was making sweat gather on his brow. He reluctantly opened his eyes to realise he was still upon the cliff tops of Sanditon, where his horse had thrown him. He struggled to sit up, but soon gave up, such was the pain. He wondered why he was even on this rarely used pathway. He was confused, as to if he was going to or from Sanditon, but this spot was as familiar to him as his own face. It was a short distance from his home, where his parents and siblings lived. He hoped perhaps Tom or Arthur would be soon by, on their way to the town, as they often did after their studies were over. His mother was going to be concerned if he didn't return home soon, he thought, as he fell back into the grass and his vision blurred when he blacked out again. 

"Sidney, Sidney, can you hear me? Sidney" it was the sound of Tom's voice that filtered through the pain   
"Must you shout Tom?" Sidney croaked out.   
"He's awake doctor! Is it safe to move him?"  
"I will assess his injuries and we will make him comfortable Herr Parker. Your brother has been lying here for some hours, exposed to the elements. He may have many injuries not visible. We must be cautious."  
Sidney could tell the doctor was poking and prodding him before he lost consciousness again. 

As Sidney opened his eyes, he failed to recognise his surroundings. He was tucked into a bed, in a room that he had never seen before. A stranger was by his side. He tried to look around the room to see if there was anything familiar to him. A smiling lady was to his left. She had a kind smile and clasped his hand tightly when she noticed him open his eyes.   
"Sidney, I'm so happy you're awake. You have been asleep so long! We have been so concerned. Is there anything I can get you?"   
"I'm sorry, but where might I be and who might you be?" whispered Sidney.   
The shock was evident on her face as she exchanged a glance with the strange man who was checking his pulse.   
"Sidney, you're in your room in Trafalgar house."   
The stranger signalled at her to cease speaking when they saw the frown on Sidney's face.   
"You have had a knock to the head Herr Parker and your arm and leg are broken. You have been very fortunate to have been found when you were. Another few hours and you might not have survived the weather."  
"Was I lost Sir?"   
"Not lost but safe jetzt...eh..now. Es tut Mir leid, I am Dr Fauchs. Now I insist some more rest will be necessary." Both strangers left the room and Sidney gave in to the urge to sleep. 

"At last, Sidney. You are awake at last. I must let the others know."  
"Tom, please wait. What has happened? I am aching all over."  
"You fell from your horse Sidney. It was only when the horse appeared into the stables that we knew something was wrong. I had believed you to be in London. Your horse has in fact saved your life. It took us almost two days to find you. We had run out of places to search when our carriage returned from Willingdon and they reported seeing you on the cliffs. When we searched there we thankfully found you and you were in a bad way."  
"Cliffs? Willingdon? None of that makes sense Tom. My head is aching. Could you close those curtains, the brightness is making the pain worse."   
Tom rose to close the curtains and retook his seat at Sidney's bedside.   
"How long have I been here? When did this happen?"  
"It's been three days since we found you, Sidney. Your head injury has been the biggest concern. You also have broken your arm and leg"  
"I must've taken quite a tumble. It hurts like the devil."  
"I'm relieved you recognised me Sidney. You gave us quite a scare when you were so confused yesterday."  
"Was I? I don't remember."  
"You didn't know where you were and you failed to recognise Mary."  
"I'm sorry Tom. That must've upset her. What of Arthur and Diana did I recognise them?"  
"They've only just returned to Sanditon and have been to see you, but you never awoke so we don't know. Are you sure you are fully aware now? Do you remember why you were on the cliffs?"  
"I'm sorry Tom. I have no recollection of being on the cliffs or what caused my fall. My arm and leg are trying to supersede the pain in my head. I do recollect a doctor, could he give me something for this pain Tom? It's quite intense."  
"Of course Sidney I'll get him for you. Just rest there and I shall be back."  
As Tom rushed out of the room, Sidney felt the panic in him rise. He had no memory of cliffs and the mention of Willingdon was bizarre. He had tried recollecting his last movements and all he could remember was playing cricket on the beach. He hoped that had happened recently as the doctor entered the room. 

The next morning Mary was by his side. He had heard her enter and pull the curtains back a little to allow some daylight in.   
"Good morning, Mary. Something smells delicious." He smiled as he slowly opened his eyes wider to see her peering into his face. She quickly drew back with an answering smile on her face.   
"Only your favourites for breakfast, Sidney. I'll help you with it as I'm sure having a broken arm won't make the task very easy."  
"You're too kind Mary. Thank you. I'm sorry for being such a worry to you all. How could I not recognise my own sister? Forgive me Mary."  
"You have every reason to be confused Sidney. It's been a stressful few weeks for you and your accident hasn't helped."  
Sidney tried to keep his expression neutral at her reference to stressful events. He had no memory of anything he would term stressful. All he could take from her meaning was the funding issues for Tom's Sanditon plans. The standoff at the cricket match was embarrassing but not what he would call stressful. Had he forgotten something as a result of his injury? He didn't want to cause his family to worry, so he would try and figure out this puzzle on his own. When his head stopped aching of course. 

"Leave it to you, Parker. You just love the attention. How are you holding up, old fellow?"   
Crowe and Babbington were as exuberant as always, as they entered his room.   
"A little less volume please gents. Imagine the morning after an excellently entertaining night, times ten, and you might imagine the pain I'm in. But it's good to see you both. The four walls of this room are getting very tiresome."  
"Poor injured Parker" hooted Crowe.   
"Seriously Sidney, you had us all worried. When I received the express from Tom asking about your whereabouts I searched all of London and Mrs Campion was most alarmed. I'm sure she's been to see you by now. Ester was adamant we return to Sanditon promptly and see for ourselves how you were." Babbington was obviously relieved to see for himself that Sidney was on the mend. His mention of Mrs Campion was surprising, but even more so was his familiarity of using Miss Denham's first name.   
"Oh so it's Ester is it, Babbington? I take it you have come to an understanding. That must've been a very significant walk you both went on at the cricket." He tried teasing his friend. When he noticed the shocked glances pass between his two visitors, he realised that he had spoke out of turn.   
"Sidney Miss Denham and I are married. We've been so, this past month. Do you not remember? You were my best man, Sidney!"  
"Of course how foolish of me. Yes indeed. Lady Babbington."  
"Parker what were you doing on the cliffs of Sanditon when you had arranged to meet us at the club in London on that very day? " Crowe was as focused as Sidney had ever seen him.   
"I eh, I can't really remember Crowe. Perhaps I had business with Tom. I often have business with Tom."  
"No Sidney, there was no meeting with Tom and he had not seen you for several days before you were found. What is going on? I don't believe you are being honest with us. Out with it man. Tell us. "  
Sidney remained silent for a while as he considered his dilemma. He didn't want to concern his family with what was evidently a gap in his memory, so perhaps his friends would be the best to confide in.   
"The last thing I remember is the cricket match on the beach"   
"Good God man, that's ages ago. Much has happened since then. Have you not told Tom?" Crowe was on his feet pacing as Babbington sat shocked and stunned.   
"Seriously Parker. You would not believe what has happened. I don't believe it would be a good idea to tell you all at one time. We must proceed gently with the information."  
"Can you at least fill me in on the key points Babbington? Surely your marriage must be the most shocking event. I'm struggling to believe that, to be honest. "  
Again his two friends exchanged weighted glances.   
"Pray tell me what has happened that could be so alarming. If you could see the concern upon your faces? Have I too obtained a wife?"  
As he tried to teasingly persuade his friends to tell him of the missing events, he had a fleeting memory of Eliza smiling at him, at a ball it would seem to have been. That would explain why they mentioned her and her concern for him. However, Babbington had referred to her as Mrs Campion so he hadn't married her.   
"You are engaged to be married Sidney. To Mrs Campion." Babbington seemed almost reluctant to tell him and far from pleased for him. Engaged to Eliza! What a surprise.   
"You do not seem to approve of the arrangement Babbington. Is there more you aren't telling me? Crowe, tell me what there is to tell"  
"You have been actively trying to break your engagement with her" Crowe was succinct with his comment. Sidney's head began to pound again.   
"You are telling me, I've become engaged to a woman I loved for over ten years and am now trying to sabotage it? Why would I ever do that? It makes no sense. Have you both had a knock to the head or have you been at the brandy all day?"   
"Listen Sidney, we've said too much. I believe we should leave you to rest. We will return tomorrow and by then, perhaps your memory will have fully returned."   
They both made to take their leave.   
"Damn you both. You can't tell me such a thing and then leave me. I won't allow it."  
"Rest, Parker. You need to rest. You have turned an unappealing colour of green and I would prefer not to witness you expel the contents of your stomach.   
"go on then. off with you. leave me to my misery"  
"No change there Parker. You've been miserable for weeks now. But we will be back tomorrow and we will tell you more if you haven't recollected it for yourself."  
As his visitors departed, Sidney struggled to make sense of what they had revealed. Why would he engage himself to Eliza and then try to break it? Why would he be miserable if Eliza had finally accepted him as her future husband? none of it was making sense and before too long he gave in to the urge to sleep. 

Sidney awoke from the nightmare covered in sweat. His heart was racing and his body ached. As he tried to slow the racing of his pulse he remembered traces of his dream. He had been on the cliffs and watched Miss Heywood climb into a carriage and take off. He then followed them shouting for them to stop. Just the memory of it even increased his distress. Why would he be chasing down Miss Heywood's carriage? Why would it distress him to have her leave? Could it possibly mean that they had become better acquainted during the weeks that were missing from his memory? His last thoughts on Miss Heywood were mixed, between being irritated with her, to admiring her beauty and bravery. He settled into a more comfortable position as he tried to remember Miss Heywood. His mind had an array of images of her. An image of her laughing with joy as she played her part in the cricket match. An image of her being vexed with him during Lady Denham's pineapple tasting luncheon. An image of her gazing into his eyes as they rowed a boat together. This made him pause, as he could not remember when or why he might be in a boat with Miss Heywood. The next flash of a memory was of her in a gold satin ball gown, as they danced together. Where the ball was held, did not seem familiar to him. The next fleeting image was of her smiling into his face, as he kissed her. This made him sit upright in bed. He had kissed Miss Heywood! Why would he do such a thing? Why would she allow such liberties? Why would he be engaged to one lady and yet kissing another? Had he turned into a despicable cad in the weeks that were missing from his memory? Sidney felt sick to his stomach. What sort of mess had he got himself into? He contemplated the glimpses his brain was giving him and tried to piece it all together. The memory of the cliffside niggled at his conscience. It seemed to be trying to tell him something. He returned to the distress of his nightmare, as Miss Heywood left him. It still caused his heart to race so perhaps that had indeed happened. What was real and what was imagined? He struggled for several hours to squeeze some sense out of his brain to no avail. Eventually he gave in to the urge to sleep. 

"Morning Sidney, I've got a letter for you. It seems to be from Mrs Campion. Would you like me to read it to you?"  
Toms cheerfulness put Sidney into a worse mood.   
"If I cant even manage to open a letter Tom you may shoot me now and be done with it"  
"You're recovering well Sidney, I can tell by your bad humour. It won't be long now until you're up and about. We have much to do with the rebuilding and I've some great ideas that might even surpass the success of the regatta"  
Sidney clenched his jaw to stop from shouting at Tom. It wasn't his fault he was in so much pain. The frustration at not being able to remember everything, along with being confined to bed, was wearing on his nerves. He kept his silence and pondered the meaning of what Tom had revealed. What rebuilding and what regatta? Sidney hoped Crowe and Babbington would visit soon for he had dozens of questions for them. Hopefully they could help him with his mysterious memories. Mysterious memories that seemed to be full of Miss Charlotte Heywood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've no medical training so please excuse any inaccuracies linked to head injuries and memory loss


	29. confusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its a short 1 but I hope to get another chapter done in the next few days

Crowe and Babbington arrived at last. Sidney had been waiting for them for what seemed like hours. They took the seats that had been positioned either side of his bed. 

"Well then Parker, any revelations since we last spoke?" Asked Babbington.   
"A few, I'll admit. But I've more questions than answers. I hope you'll not keep things from me. I don't want to concern my family by admitting the lack of memory that has occurred."  
"Right then, Parker. What is you want to know?" Crowe was to the point.   
"Mrs Campion. Why am I trying to unaffiance myself from her?"  
"You love another and only agreed to marry her to get funds for Sanditon"  
Crowe's reply stunned Sidney. His mind started to spin with all the information that his short reply contained.   
"Why do I need funds for Sanditon?"  
"There was a fire, Sidney. The new terrace burned down, the night of the midsummer ball. Old Stringer perished in the fire."  
"That's awful. But surely, there's no urgency to rebuild or the insurance will cover the bulk." Sidney could feel another headache starting.   
"Yes, indeed. Insurance would've been the sensible thing. But alas, Tom neglected to insure the building work. It would seem his debts are enormous and Lady Denham was not of the mind to allow him to squander her investment. She demanded repayment."  
"It cannot be true. Tom wouldn't be so reckless. There may be some cash flow problems, but the debt couldn't be that severe. Is this really true?"  
"You told me yourself, Sidney. We both know. There is in fact a group of your close friends working with you, so you can be rid of Mrs Campion."  
"What plotting are you speaking of?"  
"Suffice to say, Parker, you have been worse than your usual unagreeable self and a more attractive prospect has been thrown into her path. She has been seeing the error of her choice and looks elsewhere for a husband. Or that was the way of it, before you went scaring off to Sanditon." Crowe seemed to take a certain delight in telling Sidney of their successful machinations.   
"I still don't fully understand it. It's too much to comprehend. And what of the statement, that I love another?"   
Sidney almost held his breath as he asked the most important of questions. Was this to be when he'd find out about his relationship with Miss Heywood. Or could there be another he had no memory of? 

"Do you pretend to have no notion of who it might be, Parker? You've been prowling round her from you first met. Very possessive in your behaviour."   
Crowe was enjoying this too much for Sidney's liking.   
"Enough, Crowe. If the man can't remember, it's not right to torture him. I believe you and Miss Heywood had almost come to an understanding the night of the midsummer ball. You were completely bewitched by her at the ball. I expected an announcement. She has transformed you, Sidney. Since you both returned from London after rescuing Miss Lambe, there was a definite change in your attitude to her. What has transpired between you both, can only be known by you and her, but I suggest it was more than a few conversations and encounters at the cove."  
This caused Sidney to recollect the cove incident as both Babbington and Crowe chuckled.   
"Really? Miss Heywood? But how could this be? We were in London you say? With Miss Lambe? We rescued Miss Lambe? My mind can't take it all in."   
"Perhaps we have said too much. We will leave it at that, for now. Let you digest it and we'll tell you more tomorrow." Babbington rose to his feet and reached for his hat. Crowe also made to leave.   
"Just one more question, please. Where is Miss Heywood now?"   
"She has returned to Willytown." Crowe replied.   
"Willingdon, you fool. She has been gone some days now. That was where your carriage had been, when it returned and was able to help locate you on the cliff. It would seem you said your goodbye to her on the road out of Sanditon."   
"Why would I meet her on a cliff side? Why would I race after her carriage begging it to stop?"   
"Here now, Parker, we have no knowledge of you chasing down her carriage! That must be your own memory. What exactly do you remember of Miss Heywood?"   
Crowe was alert to his revelation. His explicit memories had come and gone throughout the day. He was still unsure what was fact and what were dreams, but it was enough to make him embarrassed.   
"There would appear you have many memories of Miss Heywood, if your colour is anything to judge by, Sidney" Babbington was cheerful in his teasing.   
"We will go, come Crowe, and allow you to read your correspondence. Quite a collection you have there." Babbington and Crowe left him to his confusion. 

Sidney glanced towards the bundle of letters that had been forwarded from London. Mary had brought them to him earlier and left them along with Eliza's. He had still not opened it. Now that he looked at them and appreciated the importance of what they might contain, he was torn between opening them or remaining in ignorance, for another while. And would there be one from Charlotte?


	30. Words of hope

Sidney felt much improved as he sat in an armchair in his bedroom. His leg was resting upon a footstool and his lunch tray was awaiting collection. Mary would be happy to see he had made good progress with his appetite. The whole ordeal of eating was very trying as he discovered his limitations, with only one fully operational arm. The quicker he mended, the better for everyone, as his frustrations had a tendency to boil over. The suggested six weeks in a sling, was impossible to contemplate. 

Alongside the lunch tray sat the unopened letters. Sidney considered who the letters might be from and what they might contain. Those that had come from London, were tied together with some string and he could easily see one from Mrs campion. Her letter stood out as it was her habit to write on lemon coloured paper and use a black wax to seal it. A similar letter from her still awaited opening since it had arrived, some days ago, directly to Sanditon. His mind raced with all the implications that were held within those pieces of paper. All that he had learned from Crowe and Babbington had been helpful but he couldn't be sure there wasn't more to be revealed from within his memories. His thoughts turned again to Miss Heywood. He was now more sure that their relationship had definitely matured and if she was only here, he would gladly ask her questions that only she could answer. Her honesty would be guaranteed, of that there was no doubt. She was often very blunt with her honesty. 

He reached out to lift the tied bundle of correspondence. As they were the older of the letters it only made sense to deal with those first.   
There were three from banks and investors, that were confirmations of meetings he had had with them in London, to adjust payment schedules and amounts. It would seem he had been very persuasive. Tom would be glad of that. By reading the letters he took encouragement from the wisps of images that flitted through his mind. More and more detail was coming back to him. 

When it came to opening Eliza's London letter, he paused and felt the need to turn it over in his hand several times. If he had been trying to push her to break their engagement then this letter could be where she cut him loose. Or it could be full of ridicule and admonishment. He wondered how she had reacted when she hadn't received a reply. Did it even require a reply? Was it a list of orders and instructions? Or was it as cutting and final as the letter he had received from her ten years ago. Did she even remember how she had wounded him with her cruelty back then? Would it be more of the same? He felt a half smile upon his face. His mind's eye had brought forth some recent images of Eliza. She was still an eye catching beauty but there was a coldness to her. Her image was always surrounded by all the trappings of wealth and flaunting that wealth. He didn't believe these memories were imagined. 

With a little awkwardness he managed to open her letter. With a quick scan he was a little stunned along with a certain amount of confusion. The need to open her second letter drove him to rapidly rip the missive open. Another quick scan wasn't enough to make sense of what she had written. Just as he was about to reread both letters with more care Tom entered the room.   
"Sidney, you're looking much better. Good, good. I knew you wouldn't be under the weather too long. Plenty of bracing sea air Sidney, can cure all ills."  
"I doubt any air can mend broken bones Tom. Even the miraculous air of Sanditon."   
"Nonsense, look at you Sidney. You're almost as good as new. I'm almost sorry I worried Miss Heywood with word of your injuries. Mary was most insistent I let her know. Now she writes to inform us of her arrival any day now. She's undoubtedly expecting to find you at death's door. I might try and stop her visit, now that you are almost up and about again. It wouldn't be right to have her rush here to assist with such trivial injuries."  
"Tom, a moment, please, are you telling me you have sent for Miss Heywood to act as my nursemaid?"  
"Well her impressive actions, when the late Mr Stringer broke his leg, made her invaluable to Dr Fuchs. Mary reminded me of her assistance and calmness. No doubt she's already on her way but perhaps after a few days visit she will be able to return to Willingdon. The children will be delighted to see her again."  
"Yes, indeed. A few days might be all that's needed" Sidney felt his heart racing at the thought of seeing her again. He had many questions for her and perhaps she could fill in the gaps that remained in his memories. 

His whole body clenched as he heard the door behind him open. He was now on high alert for her arrival. He struggled to keep looking out the window as his visitor came closer. Tom had lit a fuse with his announcement only an hour ago.   
"Sidney, I'm glad to see you up and out of bed. You looked awful the last time I saw you."  
He hoped his disappointment wasn't too evident to Georgiana.   
"I'm sure you would've been most vexed if I'd actually demised as a result of my injuries. You would've been free at last from your ghastly guardian."  
"Well that shows you how much you know. I've realised I do actually prefer having you as a guardian, than some other crusty old bachelor. And I mean it when I say I'm happy to see you much better."  
"Crusty old bachelor? How very flattering Georgiana. What mischief have you been up to since I've been out of action?"  
"I've been on my best behaviour, if you please. I've decided to be more grown up from now on. It has been pointed out to me, that if I wish to be treated as an adult, I need to start behaving as one."  
"I'm glad to hear it. I thank you for your visit Georgiana but I'm sure there's somewhere else you'd rather be. Don't feel you have to stay and keep me company. You have completed your duty to this crusty old bachelor." He knew he was being rude but he didn't want anything getting in the way of Charlotte when she arrived.   
As Georgiana rose to take her leave, she came closer to Sidney and when she reached out to take his hand, Sidney felt a wave of emotion flow over him.   
"I would miss you Sidney, so don't go doing something silly again. There are people who care for you and don't wish to see you come to any harm. Well, I think that's likely to be the case."  
He couldn't help laughing along with her teasing and squeezed her hand in understanding. He was elated that his relationship with Georgiana was now more cordial. He felt in his gut that there had been some strained times that he didn't fully remember. She left him to his contemplation of life that was proceeding outside his window. As interesting as the coming and goings of Sanditon's businesses and residents, it was the contents of Eliza's letters, that had him deep in thought. He needed to discuss them and until Babbington returned, there was no one he felt happy discussing them with. His energy slumped again and with the help of a footman he returned to bed. 

The touch of her hand was unmistakeable. The way she caressed his fingers and then also fleetingly touched his brow, made his heart surge. Her scent surrounded him, yet he was afraid to open his eyes in case she was not there and it was yet another dream. He had several of those nightmares where he believed she had come to him, only to awake and find his room empty and silent. It was for that reason he decided to keep his eyes closed and allow her caresses to continue. He could feel her face come closer to his and the gentle waft of her breath was better than the fluttering of a butterfly. He hoped if he kept still for long enough, this dream would progress to perhaps include a kiss. His heart rate increased another notch. Her soft touch moved from his brow, to his chin and then his cheeks and still she held onto his hand. He was tempted to raise his uninjured arm and test if this time, there was an actual being present but he didn't want the disappointment if his hand encountered nothing but air.   
"Sidney, Sidney, can you hear me?" Her gentle words were the thing of dreams.   
"Charlotte, are you really here?" he whispered.   
"I'm here. I'm right beside you. Can you not open your eyes and see for yourself?"   
"I fear this is just another dream."  
He took the chance and opened his eyes. The face that was staring down at him was full of compassion. Her half smile made him smile in return.   
"It is a dream, it must be. For I can see you plainly Charlotte."  
His response made her blush.   
"Mr Parker. I'm told your injuries are not as bad as first feared. Tom has informed me you are well on the road to recovery and won't need the help he initially believed you might."  
She withdrew her hands and took the seat at the side of his bed.   
He noticed her use of the formal 'Mr Parker'. Why had she switched back from his first name?   
"I am most fortunate, I am told. The doctor believes I will be up and about much sooner than expected and the pain is not as intense as it had been."  
"I'm glad to hear it. I was most surprised to be informed of your injury, so soon after my leaving Sanditon. I had scarcely unpacked when Tom's message reached me. Of course, I was happy to return and be of assistance in any way I could, for your brother and his wife have done so much for me." She glanced down to her clasped hands as she finished her statement.   
His pulse raced as he took in her meaning. She was making it clear that she had not returned for his sake, yet he clung to the relevance of her caresses and use of his Christian name when she first entered his room, minutes ago. Was she regretting her familiarity?   
"I am glad you have come. I'm sure, we are all glad you are here. There is a delicate matter I wish to speak to you about Miss Heywood. Can you assure me of your discretion?"  
She paused for a moment and seemed torn between curiosity and caution.   
"Of course Mr Parker. I will be happy to assist you in any way I can. That is why I am here."  
"Good, good, I knew I could trust you. The thing is, I have failed to remember all that has occurred in the recent past, Miss Heywood. I have kept this from my family, with only Crowe and Babbington aware of it. I want to keep it that way. Some memories have been slow to return and while my friends have tried to help, there are some matters they are not privy to. Matters that you might be able to enlighten me on."  
Her colour and avoidance of making eye contact, made him smile. He didn't wish to embarrass her but she was as pretty as a picture when she blushed.   
"I doubt there is anything of importance that I might know of Mr Parker. Surely, your fiancée would be the person with all the intimate knowledge of your recent dealings?"  
"You would expect that. Indeed, that would be a normal presumption to make but I haven't seen Mrs Campion for over a week and I'm told that while in London we have had very few meetings."   
He watched her closely as she processed the meaning of what he said. That adorable frown was back.   
"Just how much is missing from your memory Mr Parker?"  
"The last day I can clearly remember is the day of the cricket match, which I believe is some weeks ago."  
"The cricket match! My goodness Mr Parker, so much has happened since then!"  
"So I am told Miss Heywood. There have been glimpses of memories but I cannot be sure if they are fact or remnants of dreams. It's a very frustrating limbo I find myself in."  
"It must me terrible Mr Parker. What can I do for you? Are there questions you wish to put to me?" Her offer to help was earnest and genuine.   
"Thank you Miss Heywood. There are many questions I believe are best suited to be answered only by you. I hope you will be forthright and honest with me. Hold nothing back."  
"Of course Mr Parker, I will do my best. You already know of my blunt honesty. Please begin."  
Sidney tried to keep the delight from his face. A lot of memories had returned and he believed only a few days were incomplete but this opportunity was too good to miss. He was sure that he remembered every encounter and conversation with Charlotte. They were as clear as if they had just occurred. There were other people and places, of less importance, that were a little hazy. But he was going to use this excuse to try and find out Miss Heywood's true feelings for him, now that he knew how he stood with Mrs Campion.


	31. An intimate interview

Sidney wondered where best to begin. He struggled with the temptation of diving right in, at the important stuff, but his weariness from past experiences made him pause. The right time would come and she was here beside him, so things were already improving. He wanted to test her honesty with asking her of some events he had a clear recollection of. If she was as forthcoming as he expected, then he was going to probe into her motivations behind some of her own actions. 

"Miss Heywood, the first event I seek clarification on, is the matter of my 'rescuing' Miss Lambe in London. I am told you were with me. How did this occur? Leave no detail out, if you please." He watched her closely as she thought of her response. 

"Miss Lambe was kidnapped and taken to London on the day of the cricket match. Do you not recall that?"

"No the last clear memory of that day was when you assisted our team in winning the match. I have many clear memories of that event. But please continue. How could she have been kidnapped when she was under the close supervision of Mrs Griffiths?"

He knew enough of what happened on that day to understand why Charlotte blushed with embarrassment. He wanted to see if she would reveal all that had occurred, from her near attack to the conversations they had had during their search. Those unguarded moments they had experienced together, were the first times he had felt close to her and had thought a future might be possible. It had been when he believed she had got the first glimpses of his real self. 

"Well, I must confess I was partly to blame Mr Parker. I had allowed Miss Lambe to correspond with Mr Molyneaux and they had arranged to meet."

"So Mr Molyneaux kidnapped her? I'm sure I was not best pleased at this. Was I very angry with Mrs Griffiths? Did I know of your involvement at the time or this your confession to me Miss Heywood?"

"I was honest with you then, as I'm honest with you now Mr Parker. It was not Mr Molyneaux, but an acquaintance of his, that snatched her away. Mr Molyneaux actually assisted us in retrieving her. And yes, you were not best pleased, but I believe you were justified in your anger. I behaved in a manner that was deceitful and I still very much regret my actions. I have learnt my lesson from that day. Thankfully, all worked out in the end"

Sidney watched her closely as she twisted her dress between her fingers. She was anxious in her retelling but she had included a defence of Mr Molyneaux when she could've so easily placed a lot of the blame at his actions. Her honesty and ownership of her part, reminded him of her goodness and fairness. He was ashamed to remember how he had shouted at her. Georgiana had since told him more of that day and he had come to realise how little Charlotte had to do with what then occurred. 

"And what part did you play, Miss Heywood, in the rescue mission? I am told we were in London together. Did we travel to London together? Who accompanied us on the journey?"

"Those are a lot of questions Mr Parker! Firstly, I travelled alone, on the scheduled coach to London. You and I encountered each other during our search for Mr Molyneaux."

"'Encountered each other'? That's a strange way to put it. What could you mean?"

"Well, I was searching for Mr Molyneaux and came into a little difficulty, when you happened upon me and assisted me to safety."

Just the recollection of it made Sidney's heart race all over again. It had been one of the most terrifying moments of his life and he wanted to remind her of her foolish actions and what the consequences might have been, but he needed to maintain an appearance of hearing this for the first time. He wanted to know more of how she had perceived his actions. He was not above seeking some compliments from her. 

"'A little difficulty' Miss Heywood? I am going to need more details than that! Was your safety being compromised?"

She coloured as she looked steadily into his eyes. He could tell she was deciding how much detail she was prepared to give. 

"Please, Miss Heywood, any detail might help me trigger the return of my memories. No matter how insignificant they might appear."

"Of course, Mr Parker. I was unaccompanied and unfortunately had come across a most undesirable area of London and was struggling to find my way back to safety, when you appeared and helped me back to your carriage. A most providential meeting Mr Parker. I was glad of your assistance."

Sidney almost smiled as he recalled her shock and then rage when he had assisted her and made her face her foolishness. She was choosing to omit telling him of his own bad behaviour. 

"And what of our finding Georgiana? Was it simple enough after we located Mr Molyneaux?"

"Well, I wouldn't report it as being straight forward. We had occasion to visit several places before we were able to determine Miss Lambe's definite whereabouts."

"And Mr Molyneaux accompanied us throughout this search? Or was someone else with us in London?"

"No Mr Parker, I'm afraid to admit, we were very much on our own"

He watched her as she again avoided his eyes. It often played on Sidney's conscience that they had breached so many rules of society during that occasion and yet nobody had ever questioned her reputation. If only someone had put it to him that Charlotte had been compromised, then they would be happily married by now. Standards within society were slipping, and it was worse luck for him. 

"Unaccompanied? Unchaperoned? How could I have allowed such a thing? My apologies Miss Heywood. That was ungentlemanly of me"

"It matters not, Mr Parker. I suppose, it's fair to say, I was partly to blame for the events that occurred in London. I did not behave as a lady might. My determination to find Georgiana outweighed all concerns for propriety. We hadn't a minute to loose in our search."

"I will apologise again, Miss Heywood, if anything that was said or seen might've injured your sensibilities."

She took a long look at him and Sidney found he could not maintain eye contact with her. His memories of what had been seen in the boarding house, had been shocking even to him. He worried as he thought he might have revealed too much. He decided to not allow her time to dwell on what he had said. 

"Well, we obviously we're successful in our rescue, as Miss Lambe has been to visit and she appears to be in good health"

"Yes, we were eventually successful and thanks to your bravery, she was saved from a future that doesn't bear thinking of."

"My 'bravery' Miss Heywood? I doubt if I did anything above or beyond what any good guardian would've done. And then, I suppose, we returned directly to the safety of Sanditon?"

He watched her closely as she coloured again and chose to study her hands. He allowed a small smile to cross his face. Her retelling of the ball in London was going to be enlightening, he hoped. 

"Well, we were all very tired and took a few days at Bedford place. Georgiana rested and you and Tom had Sanditon business to conduct."

"Don't tell me that Tom was in London that whole time and didn't assist us with Miss Lambe?"

He felt a twinge of regret as his deception continued but the ball, and all that had happened there between them, was the main reason behind this line of questioning. 

"Do not be mad at Tom. He wasn't aware of our being in London. The whole search was conducted and concluded quite quickly. We reclaimed her on the road to Scotland and I'm sure Tom would've helped, if he had been aware of the events."

"We travelled all the way through London and onto the road to Scotland, unchaperoned and have not been subjected to rumour and disgrace? Are you telling me everything Miss Heywood? Have you been compromised and are not telling me? Have I been a brute to you and damaged your reputation?"

He wasn't above a little teasing even though she was not aware of it. He enjoyed the reaction his exclamation caused. 

"No! No! Believe me, Mr Parker, in this matter there can be no cause for concern. You behaved in a most respectful manner. "

"Well, that is something at least. Please, I interrupted you. You were telling me of what else occurred in London, before we returned to Sanditon."

"There's not much more to tell. Lord Babbington managed to obtain tickets to a ball, where we tried to spread the word about the regatta."

"A ball Miss Heywood? Ah, yes, I have a recollection of the regatta. Have I missed it?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so Mr Parker. It was quite the success. You were a participant in the rowing race."

"Indeed, I remember agreeing to that much and did I win Miss Heywood? I have some memories of rowing a boat, but none of winning a race. I must rely on you to put my memories to rights."

She swallowed audibly at his question and coughed gently. 

"There is some water there, Miss Heywood, if you wish. Please, tell me of the regatta."

"I'm sure there are others who could tell you much more of the day. Tom and Mary must've had plenty to say on the matter."

"Plenty I'm sure, Miss Heywood. But I cannot tell them I have few memories of that day. They would worry about my health, so I'm afraid I must rely on you."

"Of course, I'm sorry Mr Parker. I have little to tell you of your experiences of the day. I was much involved with the organisation and you were accompanying Mrs Campion. We met but briefly on a few occasions."

"But there are images that I have, that must come from the regatta. I just need you to confirm for me if they did occur or are they remnants of a dream. Would that be ok with you Miss Heywood?"

"I will try my best, Mr Parker, but there may be questions I am unable to answer and I hope you will not be too disappointed."

"Any information is much appreciated Miss Heywood. You can't know how much this is helping me. May I put some of those images to you?"

"Certainly, I'll help where I can."

"I have a memory of a rowing boat, but it was not in a race, and as strange as this may sound, Miss Heywood, you were with me in it? Is this an accurate recollection or something I have conjured from my imagination?"

"That indeed did happen Mr Parker" 

She blushed as she avoided his look. When she failed to say more, Sidney couldn't help but push for more details. He had often wondered why she had accepted his invitation to row with him. It was a foolish and impulsive action at the time and when she had taken his hand he believed it was a sign that they were on the path to a future together. 

"And why did it happen? Was that an event also Miss Heywood?"

"Not an event, Mr Parker, but you requested my assistance in preparing for the race. You claimed to be out of practise. My presence was to balance the boat."

He paused and allowed the memories to flood back. Their intimate conversation while they rowed had been a deciding factor when he had been confronted by Eliza later on that day. Their compatibility was unquestionable on so many levels. He was brought back to the present as she cleared her throat and took another sip of water. 

"Forgive me, Miss Heywood, are you feeling well enough to continue? Are you coming down with a cold? I have kept you too long and expected too much from you. You may stop at any point as long as you promise to return and assist me with more queries. "

"I am fine, Mr Parker. It's just a little tickle in my throat. Please, continue if you have more questions."

"I thank you, Miss Heywood. Your honesty and helpfulness is appreciated. I would like to ask one more thing about the rowing boat, if I may? Why would I ask you to assist me in preparing for a race, which was to be of teams of four? I have remembered that correctly? I had agreed to race along with my brothers? Or is that a dream?"

"You are correct. You did team up with your brothers. You didn't win the race, by the way. As for why you needed my help? I don't know the answer to that Mr Parker. Only you can answer that question. You did seem to wish to discuss some matters though."

"Matters concerning Sanditon or the regatta? Or about Georgiana perhaps? Can you recollect what the nature of our discussion was? It must've been very important to require our removal from solid ground and the privacy provided in a boat!"

"I can't truly remember all that was said but I do recall a discussion on compatibility."

She again reached for the glass of water so she could avoid his gaze. He knew she was lying and only giving him half the story. He was tempted to let it go at that, but the events of the day were too significant to their relationship to let it go. 

"Compatibility? That a strange topic of discussion. Did I bring up the topic or did you Miss Heywood?"

"You did, Mr Parker! I would never bring up such a topic with a gentleman. You asked my advice and I gave you my opinion. That was all. There was no deep or hidden meaning, to my knowledge."

"Compatibility,indeed? Was the advice in regards to marriage? I have another fragment of a memory of a discussion on marriage. You were there, as was Mrs Campion and another lady. I have no notion of her name. Perhaps you know of whom I speak. It occurred in a tea tent. Perhaps also at the regatta?" 

While he didn't wish to hurt her by bringing up his error from that conversation, he was curious to know of how well acquainted she was with Lady Worcester. 

"Yes, you are correct. A conversation did occur where you were present. It was at the regatta. You remember more than you realise Mr Parker."

"But I do not remember that other lady's name. Who was she Miss Heywood?"

"Lady Susan Worcester. She had come to Sanditon for the regatta."

"Lady Worcester? Thee Lady Worcester? Why would she come to Sanditon? Even for the regatta! How would such a lady even know of such a trivial event?"

"I made her acquaintance in London. At the ball we attended, after rescuing Georgiana."

"That would explain it then. This ball in London. Were you wearing a golden coloured gown at this ball. I have an image of you in such a dress? Is that accurate or imagined?"

She seemed surprised at his question. 

"Yes, you are correct. Have you any other memories from that event? Perhaps you remember more that you know for this also."

He closed his eyes as he took a moment to remember that happy night. He could feel himself smile at the memories and he thought of how Charlotte might interpret his expressions. He decided to give her some insight to his feelings and he would watch her closely. 

"I have many memories that are perhaps from that night. I recall the ball was a masked ball. And if it's not a dream, I recall we danced together. Could this be the case?"

"Again, you are correct. It was a masked ball."

"And did we, Miss Heywood? Did we dance together?"

"Yes. Yes we did."

"Good, I'm glad. I had feared that had only been a dream."

He smiled at her and noticed the confused look upon her face. That little frown was back. 

"And do you remember Mrs Campion from that night, Mr Parker? You became reacquainted with her at that ball. Do you remember that?"

There was a slight anger in her tone that surprised Sidney. He did indeed remember that and wished that had been a dream. 

"Yes, I have a vague recollection of her presence. I wondered at how we met again after so long a time."

"And she was also at the regatta, as you rightly remembered. And now you are engaged to her. You must surely remember that?"

Sidney felt a slight panic as the tables were being turned. How much to reveal or conceal, started to worry him. 

"Yes, I am told we are engaged. I have no memory of how such a thing could have happened. My memories from long ago are quite secure and the thought of resurrecting a relationship with her is most bizarre. These conundrums are still to be solved. I feel as if there is no emotional attachment with her. I believe part of that is because my emotions are invested elsewhere. Have you any knowledge of this Miss Heywood? Charlotte?" 

She jumped quickly to her feet at his question and turned away from his view. Her hand at her forehead to keep him from seeing her eyes. 

"I believe we have talked too long Mr Parker. I apologise for exhausting you. You are still on the mend and need your rest. I will leave you now and perhaps you will remember more for tomorrow."

"If you think that is necessary Miss Heywood. You are in charge after all. I will do everything you bid me. I thank you for your assistance and I am content you are here to look after me. Good night Miss Heywood"

"Good night Mr Parker" 

She excused herself and left his room. Sidney had a moment of regret in what he had pushed on her but he wanted it all out in the open. The temptation of her sitting there, by his bedside, all prim and proper, was trying his patience. Tomorrow he was going to confess all and he hoped she would give him a second chance. He laughed to himself. More like a tenth chance such was their relationship. 

He lay back and smiled as he anticipated tomorrow.


	32. A confession

She had returned to his room several more times that day but had kept her visits brief and usually while he had someone else with him, so there hadn't been an opportunity to resume their conversation. Sidney had woke the next morning with her being the first thought that came to mind. As the pain from his injuries had dimmed, all that occupied him was Charlotte and their future. He just needed to clarify his current position with her and then pray that she would give him the answer he had been dreaming of. 

At last, she came to him at a time when he was alone and seated by his bedroom window. Her intention was to check if he had finished his lunch and scold him if he hadn't completed the meal to her satisfaction. Her small lecture last night, after she found his unfinished dinner, had left him with a smile long after she had cleared away the tray. 

He smiled broadly at her as she entered the room, with a fresh pitcher of water and she returned his smile. He had ate all the food cook had sent up and felt some praise was earned.   
"You can save your scolding, Miss Heywood, for the children. I ate all that cook had sent up. And before you ask, I'm feeling much better. I'll soon be up and about unaided."  
"Very good, Mr Parker. You won't recover if you don't follow the doctor's instructions. Now, is there anything I can assist you with, before I leave?"  
"Leave, you are leaving, why so soon?" He felt a swell of panic at the thought of being without her.   
"Leave the room, Mr Parker. I'm staying in Sanditon for a week, at least. I have planned to take the children to the river this afternoon. They have requested some boat racing. I believe the admiral's fleet is to take to the high seas again."  
They shared a chuckle as they both remembered their previous outing with the children.   
"Oh, that's good to know. I would give anything to be able to go with you on an excursion. The four walls of this room gets very tiresome. Thankfully, I have plenty of visitors to distract me. And your attention of course is invaluable. Have you time to sit and answer a few more of my questions?"  
"Yes, but I have only a few minutes Mr Parker. I had hoped your memory would've fully recovered. You seemed to be making good progress yesterday. "  
"There are only a few recollections I need clarified."  
Sidney could feel his heart racing as she took the seat facing him. The sunshine highlighted her natural beauty and he relished the vision of her. He smiled at her as he hoped today would be the day when he could put everything to rights and have her by his side forever more.   
"Miss Heywood, my mind has repeatedly brought forth an image that has caused me much distress. An image of you turning to me in anguish and demanding I tell you what it is I want from you. It seems to have occurred at the regatta. I, however, do not have a memory of how you replied to my response. What did you say Miss Heywood?"  
Her embarrassment was obvious from her flushed colour but her confusion was the dominating expression.  
"You never replied to me Mr Parker, that is why there is no memory of a response."  
"I think I can remember telling you my deepest feelings Miss Heywood."  
"That, certainly never happened, Mr Parker. Believe me, I would not forget such a thing."  
"I've embarrassed you, my apologies. If you do not wish to remember it then don't trouble yourself. Perhaps you are correct and it didn't happen at all. Know that you may refuse me at any time but I appreciate this assistance Miss Heywood"  
"Of course, it did indeed occur at the regatta Mr Parker. While it's not something I am proud of, I lost my temper, yet again, but your response to my question never happened. Perhaps that is why you can't remember it."  
"Really? I'm surprised I would be so rude. I thought you were aware of my feelings. How do I have such an impassioned speech in my mind. When asked a direct question its not difficult to produce some sort of answer. What had occurred before it to cause you to lose your temper?"  
"Well, that is quite difficult to explain. We had been involved in a conversation with Lady Worcester and Mrs Campion, when there was a statement made that I took exception to and I left."  
"Ah, Mrs Campion was involved. No doubt her habitual snobbery was in full flow. She is a very much changed lady, Charlotte. When I knew her many years ago she had a goodness that has quite disappeared."  
Her shock was evident as she stared wide eyed at him.   
"Mr Parker, that is your fiancée your are maligning. You should not speak of her in such a manner. I must leave now Mr Parker. The children are waiting for me."  
It was obvious she didn't want to continue their conversation.   
"Will you return later Miss Heywood? I won't rest easy until all my questions are answered."   
"Very well. I will return after dinner tonight."

He thought she looked especially splendid in the gown she had changed into for dinner. The day by the river had enhanced her freckles and gave her a glow that some would scoff at. Sidney had taken great pains with his own dress as he anticipated her return. He also had the footman arrange the chairs in a closer arrangement and had the small table moved so that there would be no barrier between them.   
"I hope you are well Mr Parker."  
"Always there better when you visit Miss Heywood. I hope you enjoyed your games with the children. Judging by the volume on their return, it was a successful excursion."  
"Yes it was very enjoyable Mr Parker."  
"I thank you for returning Miss Heywood. This can't be pleasant for you. Hopefully this will be the last of my questions."  
"While it's not pleasant, Mr Parker, I will try and do what I can to assist you. Please continue."  
"Thank you Miss Heywood. I have an image in my head of you and I, in Tom's study. I have told you I am staying in Sanditon and not returning to London. Is that fact or imagined?"  
"Fact Mr Parker. That was after the regatta."  
"Was there more said?"  
"A little more. You claimed to want to stay in Sanditon, as you were a better man when you were there."  
"Really and that was all? I seem to have a slightly different recollection of the words. Could I perhaps check with you for their accuracy?"  
"No! There's no need Mr Parker. I don't know if I could remember your speech fully."  
"I don't believe you, Charlotte. I think you remember that meeting quite well. Judging from your face, you are keeping something from me. Very well. I'll not force you. I have another memory of us before I get into a carriage. I seem reluctant to leave Sanditon and promise to return in a week. You are the only one seeing me off. How could that be Miss Heywood?"  
"You were leaving for London to try and get funds for the repairs after the fire. That is a fact."  
"And you being the only one to see me off? Is that too a fact?"  
"It is Mr Parker."  
He watched her reaction closely. Would she admit they had shared the intimacy of a kiss and had almost promised themselves to each other at the midsummer ball?  
"You seemed to be reluctant to see me go, as much as I was reluctant to leave. What had occurred before that?"  
"As I said, the fire had occurred and you were on your way to London. Lady Denham had been most adamant about getting her investment back. I was concerned for the future of Sanditon and Tom's family was threatened with debtors' prison. The task you were taking on seemed impossible. But you were successful with your endeavours."  
"I believe you are omitting some details again, Miss Heywood. I can only wonder why you are choosing to be less than honest with me."  
"If I am less than honest perhaps these memories are too painful for me, Mr Parker. Have you ever considered that? You trifled with my feeling and then abandoned me without a second thought."  
Her distress was evident and Sidney wished he could hold her to him and offer the comfort she needed.   
"I am sorry, Charlotte. Forgive me, but know this. I never meant to trifle with your feelings. My feelings for you, are still what they ever were. My heart broke when I had to return to Sanditon with a forced engagement with Mrs Campion. It has tortured me this many months."  
"But you did it, Mr Parker. You asked her to marry you."  
Her tears were spilling onto her cheeks and the anguish was evident but he couldn't sit there and say nothing. This needed to be discussed and the truth was hard to explain.   
"I did and I'm sorry. Can you not understand there was no other choice for me? For Tom? Mary? The children? For Sanditon? Please, Charlotte, can you ever forgive me?"  
She rose to leave.  
"Please, Charlotte. Don't leave me. Please remain, I have something to tell you."  
They both remained silent as Charlotte dried her tears and returned to her chair. Sidney struggled with how to proceed. At least she stayed in the room with him. That gave him hope.   
"Charlotte, I have a confession to make. Will you listen to me and try to believe every word I say?"  
She looked at him with a weary sigh and gave a slight nod.   
"If you wish Mr Parker, but I must take my leave soon. It is getting quite late."  
"She was my fiancée, Charlotte. Mrs Campion. She is no longer mine, but another's. She has thrown me over, yet again. You see before you a ditched and damaged suitor. Have you no pity for me, Charlotte?"  
"Is this really true? Your family had no mention of it? Are you quite sure Mr Parker?"  
"Yes, I'm most definite. You can read it for yourself Charlotte. There's no confusion in her meaning and her mode of breaking our engagement has been finessed at least."  
He gestured to the letters he had reread that morning with so much joy in his heart.   
She studied him closely as she looked between his face and the pile of correspondence.   
"I'm sorry to hear that Mr Parker. You must be very upset."  
"You know that's not likely, Charlotte. I have told you I have some clear memories and some stand out above all others. Our meeting, as you left Sanditon, is one of those crystal clear memories. It's not something I'm ever likely to forget. I told you then as I tell you now. I never loved her. Not even a little. My heart belonged to another. I wanted to tell you then but you wouldn't allow it. Will you not ask me now Charlotte?"  
"Please, Mr Parker. I am amazed by your news. I can hardly take it in. But what of Sanditon and the debts. What will become of Tom?"  
"I have found another investor. All will be fine. There is another memory Charlotte that has stayed firmly with me. Can you imagine what it might be?"  
"No Mr Parker, I cannot."  
"It caused me a lot of confusion when my memory was still patchy but it was there in precise detail. Every freckle, every breath, every tingle in my fingers were not to be forgotten. It was as if a dream had occurred and I has lived through it. Can you still not tell of what I speak Charlotte?""  
"No, Mr Parker, I cannot"  
She couldn't meet his eyes and chose to study her clenched hands. He wanted to reach out and tip her eyes up to meet his.   
"Please, Charlotte, can we not dispense with formality. At least when it is only the two of us? Can you not say my name? Can you not allow yourself to say 'Sidney'? "  
"Very well then, Sidney. I do not know what memory you speak of"  
"It is us, Charlotte, on a cliff top walk. Do you remember it now?"  
"Perhaps I do, Sidney."  
"And do you remember what happened on that walk Charlotte?"  
"I have some recollection, Sidney, but it is quite some time ago, the details are not as clear as I would wish"  
She smiled at him with a teasing glance. He felt his heart would burst with happiness as he realised her teasing had returned.   
"If you will come closer I will happily refresh your memory Charlotte. I'm not able to sweep you into my arms, as I wish, so you will have to meet me half way"  
"Anything for your comfort Sidney"  
She moved her chair closer and placed her arms around his shoulders. He brought her as close to him as he could, with one arm, as their lips met. He couldn't get enough of her as they clung to each other. He tried to bring her closer but the pain in his arm and leg reminded him of his injuries. They parted slightly and stared smilingly into each other's faces. She nibbled on his jaw as he smoothed her hair away from her temple. His kisses were scattered wherever he could land them.   
"And do you remember what we spoke of Charlotte, after our first kiss? What almost was promised at the midsummer ball?"  
"I remember you confessing your imperfections and how I was to take all the credit for your massive improvements. I am most pleased at that memory. I've included it in my list of accomplishments. Seaside resort planning, shooting with a rifle and reforming the characters of sullen gentlemen."  
"Charlotte, dearest Charlotte. You tease me like no other and it's one of the things I love about you. Never change Charlotte."  
They resumed their passionate embrace and Sidney had to bring it to a halt as he realised his control was slipping.   
"While I hope to improve, Sidney, I believe we all change. If we wish to or not, in subtle ways. But at our core we are always who we have always been. I will always be a farmers' daughter who has little time for the niceties of high society. And you will always be the loyal and caring Sidney Parker who does whatever he can for his family."  
"And will you be my family, Charlotte? Will you marry me and keep me on the right path? Will you be my companion for the rest of my days? There's no one more compatible and I was once told that compatibility is most important when contemplating marriage."  
She kissed him with an increased expertise that had his blood pumping.   
"I will Sidney Parker. I can scarce believe it to be true but I will love to be your family for I feel as if I already am."  
"You are Charlotte, but I will insist on some time away from Tom, Mary and the children. You can't use me to gain closeness with them"  
"All right Sidney. If I must."  
They continued their awkward embrace and cherished kisses for a few minutes more until Sidney realised he had more to say before she would have to leave his room.   
"Charlotte, I have another confession to make. Now that you are promised to me please don't be angry. I will explain all if you will listen."  
"Go on Sidney, but if is too much, I warn you that without anyone else being aware of our engagement, I might break our agreement. How would you like to loose two fiancées in a week? For your sake I hope it's not bad."  
"I don't think it's too bad Charlotte. It's just that my lost memories were not quite entirely lost."  
"Are you saying that you tortured me with question?. Some very impertinent questions. Yet you knew all along what you wished to know? How could you Sidney. Why would you do such a thing?"  
She pulled away and had a very disgruntled appearance. Perhaps he had spoke too soon and Sidney was starting to regret his honesty. But he needed to make sure all was right between them so he continued.   
"My memory was missing but a lot had returned to me before your arrival. There remained some confusing thoughts. My head was full of you and I. All the happy and not so happy times. There was a mixture of images that I wasn't sure we're real or dreamt. Some of them were too embarrassing to speak of with Crowe and Babbington. Some were only of us, so there was no way they could've told me anything of use. But I wanted to know if you would be honest with me. I wanted to know if you knew why I had done what I had. I needed to know what you thought of me and if I had any chance to win you back."  
"Sidney you could've just spoke to me in an honest manner. Are you so unsure of me?"  
"I'm unsure of myself, Charlotte. You deserve so much better. I hurt you in the most inexcusable manner and yet you told me you didn't think badly of me. I couldn't believe you were so forgiving. I don't know if I could've been so charitable. I could never face it if you were to marry another."  
"It was not something I wished to think of Sidney. It broke my heart. Everybody and everything in Sanditon reminded me of you. I couldn't face the memories. Both good and bad, so I had to leave. I swore to myself I would never return. "  
"And yet, here you are. You did return."  
"Sidney you'll never know the agony I went through when I received Tom's message about your accident. I hardly ate or slept until I could see you with my own two eyes. Nobody could've kept me away. I suspected I would always love you, no matter what. That merely confirmed it. I fear you have my heart and soul, Mr Sidney Parker and you may do with it what you will."  
"I will treasure it Miss Charlotte Heywood. For ever and eternity. Just as you have mine. Now, we must part. I have a letter to write to your father. I should be able to make a visit to him in a week or so but I don't wish to wait until then to inform him of my wishes."  
"I will also write to him. He will be surprised, to put it mildly. But what will you say of your engagement to Mrs Campion. Will we be expected to wait for a while to avoid scandal?"  
"Yes, I believe you are right, Charlotte. But I'm not going to hide away our relationship. It doesn't need to be common knowledge yet, but amongst our families, I want to be honest. When they learn of Mrs Campion's imminent marriage, to someone else, I think they will be more understanding. She writes that she will be married within the month, so when that announcement is made I want our engagement to be known. Your father will want a long engagement, no doubt, and if that is what it takes to get his agreement, then so be it."  
"I fear he will insist on it, Sidney. But I shall work on him. If I return to Willingden before the end of the week, I can persuade him to be more understanding. My mother will be supportive, as I suspect she knows some of my feelings for you. I was not the same Charlotte Heywood that returned to Willingden."  
"I can't apologise enough, Charlotte, for the hurt I caused you. Are you sure this is what you want? I will try and tolerate it if you change your mind."  
"I won't allow you to change yours, Sidney. Now, no more apologies for doing what you had to do. It is in the past and we have our future. Now kiss your future wife and write your letter. I will see you in the morning."

They eventually separated after a prolonged and passionate parting and Sidney was never so happy to write such an awkward letter. Tomorrow was going to be an interesting one, when his family were to be told of his and Charlotte's intended engagement. There was a feeling of euphoria within Sidney but at his core there was still a feeling of unease. When everything seems to be going right why did he suspect something was going to go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's more to come, stay tuned and keep safe


	33. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry its only a short one

Mary was most displeased at Sidney. He had insisted on leaving his room and being assisted by the footmen, downstairs to the drawing room. She continued to give him unhappy glances, even as she scurried about arranging cushions and chairs. Tom paced the room talking aloud to himself. As usual, nobody was paying him much attention. Sidney was waiting on Charlotte to return from her morning swim, so he could see her for the first, since she had agreed to become his wife. His anticipation was like an energy he had never experienced before. He knew he would be pacing, like Tom, if he was able to get to his own two feet. He had to make do with frequent glances out the window at which he had insisted he be seated. At last, he could see her approaching Trafalgar house. The future Mrs Sidney Parker was the most beautiful amongst women, glowing with life and if no one else could see it, he was all the happier. She hardly passed a local, without a smile or word. It was as if she had lived in Sanditon all her days. At last she entered the room after her usual pleasant greetings for the staff she encountered on her way in. 

"Morning, Mary, Tom. What a marvellous day it is. Sidney, Mr Parker, what are you doing downstairs?"

She quickly corrected herself in using his name. He tried to cover his grin. 

"Morning Miss Heywood. I decided against staying in that room any longer. As much as I have treasured every moment within it, I wished to move forward with my recovery and thought progress could be made downstairs, amongst my family."

Her blush was noticed by Sidney and by Mary who looked closely between the two as Sidney's wide grin seemed out of place after such an innocent statement. Charlotte refused to keep eye contact with him and stayed away from his seat. 

"Tom, could I see you for a moment in the garden?" Mary asked. 

When they had been left alone Charlotte ventured closer. 

"Sidney, I don't agree that you should try to do too much with your injuries. I don't wish for you to be in pain."

"I'm in pain when I can't see you Charlotte. Being apart from you causes me pain. Only you can ease my pain."

He reached out to hold her hand and drew her closer. 

"Sidney, you must behave. Mary could come back at any time."

"And if she does, it will be the perfect opportunity to tell her our good news. That is, if you haven't changed your mind?"

"No, I haven't changed my mind. I don't see how I could be made change my mind. You may not have noticed, but I'm very hard to steer away from a path when I have set my mind on something."

"Perhaps I should change my mind, if you're going to be that difficult to control."

"So you wish to control me Mr Parker?"

She smiled down at him as their teasing continued. Before he could say anything more, Mary returned. Charlotte stepped back and removed her hand from his. 

"Sidney! Whatever are you intending with such a conversation with Charlotte? You must apologise this instant."

"Miss Heywood, I apologise for speaking out of turn. Only a husband has the right to control his wife. Will you forgive me?"

He smiled up at Charlotte and she grinned back. Mary looked disgusted. 

"Sidney, that is no better. What has come over you? Charlotte he doesn't mean it."

"I hope he means some of what he has said, Mary. For he has made me a promise. A promise I will keep him to."

She stepped forward and held his hand. Sidney took it as a sign to reveal their agreement. 

"What promise? Sidney? What have you promised Charlotte? I feel there is more going on here than is being said."

Mary pointedly looked at their joined hands and wide grins. 

"You are quite right Mary. I have made a promise to Charlotte and I intend to keep it. I have promised to marry her and she has agreed."

Charlotte turned so she could place her free hand upon his shoulder. Sidney raised the hand he held and kissed it gently. 

"But..but.... Sidney! That cannot be, you are already engaged. Have you forgotten Mrs Campion? I knew your injuries were worse than you were admitting. I'm sending for the doctor. Charlotte, forgive him. He is not thinking clearly. Head injuries are such tricky things."

"No doctor Mary. I am thinking more clearly than I have in many months. Nor have I forgotten Mrs Campion. She has, yet again, written to inform me our engagement is over and she is to marry another."

Mary fell suddenly into a chair. 

"She has done it again? What sort of a lady does such a thing? Twice to the same man? Are you quite sure Sidney?"

"I am most definite Mary. I would not make such a promise to Charlotte if I was not free. I wouldn't do that to her."

"Yes, quite. I'm stunned. Really. This is wonderful news. When did this happen?"

"You're the first to know, Mary. Sidney asked me last night and I was happy to accept. We know there will be much talk and my father needs to give his blessing. But we wanted you to know."

Mary seemed to be struggling to take in all that they had revealed. 

"It might be best if we keep it amongst ourselves for a while, at least until Mrs Campion makes her new engagement known. We just couldn't keep such happy news to ourselves."

"Yes, of course. I don't think Tom needs to know any of this. He might not take the news of Mrs Campion's abandonment as well as you appear to be Sidney. He will worry about her investment in Sanditon."

"While I agree that Tom might be better not being told, just yet, it has nothing to do with Mrs Campion's investment. I have found a replacement for her funding and I believe a much better arrangement for all involved. Tom is just very .....vocal about everything."

"Yes, you are right. But how can we keep it from him? Look at you two. It's as clear as day you are in love. I thought it was the case before the midsummer ball but now it's beyond obvious."

"You might be right there also Mary. I can't keep from smiling. Perhaps he will believe I'm just happy to be out of my room and on the road to recovery. But how I can explain away my need to be always touching my darling Charlotte? That is a more difficult deception."

"Sidney, you could always try to behave?"

Charlotte was as happy as he was. It was written across her face. His heart surged with pride at the thought that he was responsible for making her this happy. 

"I suppose I could try. If I wanted to, but Charlotte..."

"Don't 'but Charlotte' me, Mr Parker. You must behave or I will have to return to Willingdon, immediately. Is there not enough scandal coming our way without your lack of self control adding to it?"

Sidney wondered that Mary looked so stunned at the teasing tone that flowed between them. Perhaps she had always thought him such a serious character. 

"Very well then, Miss Heywood . I will behave in the most gentlemanly manner. There will be none who could find fault with me, especially if you are to threaten to leave me, immediately."

"Oh dear, yes, this changes things quite drastically. I fear you cannot stay here Charlotte. When your engagement becomes known there will be talk. It might be worse than you expect, now that you both have been here together for several days, and Charlotte acting as your nurse! Oh no, we must act quickly. You must stay elsewhere until you return to Willingdon."

"Perhaps I should leave for Willingdon as soon as possible? Sidney no longer needs my help for his injuries and I wish to explain things in person with my family."

"Charlotte, be under no illusion, I will always 'need' you. On that matter be sure. As for the reasons for you wishing to leave me, to such a cruel and bleak future without you here, I agree. I will definitely behave better without you torturing me by taking advantage of my weakened state."

As Charlotte playfully cuffed him on his arm they all laughed aloud. 

After a little more discussion arrangements were made and Charlotte was to leave the next morning. 

Later that day they were all seated within the drawing room. Sidney looked around and could imagine many days in the future, when he would be surrounded as he was now, with his brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, a wife and hopefully some of his own children. As he gazed at Charlotte, she looked up to meet his eyes and her replying smile was as beautiful and natural as a sunrise. How was it possible to love one person so much? Mary caught their smiles and made a polite cough to remind them to be discrete but Sidney struggled to keep a lid on his happiness. The footman entered with some letters and presented them to Tom. 

"Sidney there is one for you here. It seems to have been round the corners. There are numerous addresses upon it. It has caught up with you at last."

As Sidney took the letter from Tom, his stomach turned as he recognised his address in Antigua among the directions. His feeling of foreboding was back. 

He opened the letter and felt the blood drain from his body as he took in the contents. 

This was a letter that was ten years in coming if the contents were true. He hoped it was a mistake. 

"Tom, could you get someone to assist me to my room. I'm feeling quite tired and would like to lie down for a while."

Tom arranged for Sidney to be assisted back to his room and he was glad of the privacy for this latest news was enough to make him physically sick. He read the contents of the letter again, to be sure he hadn't misunderstood the meaning of the author. He wasn't mistaken. According to the information, he was the father of a ten year old boy. A boy who was now motherless and in need of a home and support. How was he going to tell Charlotte of this? How could they recover from this additional scandal? Would she want anything to do with him and his illegitimate son?

As if he had conjured her up, she gently knocked and entered his room. 

"Sidney are you still feeling unwell? Would you like me to get you anything or shall I just leave you to rest?"

"Charlotte, my dearest, Charlotte. You're much too good for me. How could I ever deserve you?"

"Sidney I'm getting weary of this nonsense. I love you. I know you are far from perfect, you have mentioned it often enough. But I am far from perfect. We are merely perfect together. You need to start believing that."

She had taken his face between her hands as she had spoke and he couldn't find the courage to meet her eyes. He wanted to weep with the hurt and confusion that was bubbling within him. He knew there were many men who had fathered children all over the country and never bothered with them. Many of his circle laughed off the responsibilities that came with siring a child. They didn't see it as their problem and often a few pounds was thrown to the mothers to absolve them of their duty. But Sidney had always felt it was a man's place to look after his own. It was the least he could do. How was he going to reveal such a thing to Charlotte? Could he keep it from her? Should he keep it from her? He needed time to think on it and make a decision. 

"I feel I may have overdone it today Charlotte. There's nothing a good night's sleep won't cure. I'll see you in the morning before you leave? Promise you'll at least look in on me before you abandon me"

"Sidney, I'm not abandoning you. You know why it's best for me to leave at this time. The sooner I leave, hopefully, the sooner I can return."

She had wrapped him in her arms and perched upon the arm of his chair. The love that was surrounding him warmed his frozen insides. This might be the last time she would look so favourably on him.   
If he told her, she might not be interested in him and his scandalous past.   
If he kept it from her, could he ever be open and honest?   
He had wanted honesty from her and it was the least he could give her. He was stunned and needed time. While half of him hoped she was staying and he could discuss matters with her, the other half was glad she was leaving, so that he wouldn't have to hide from her until he decided what to do.   
Her kisses started as teasing but his desperation took over and soon got out of control. Charlotte was the one who pulled back. She took a moment to regain her breath.

"Sidney, you promised to behave. Are you sure you're quite well? I feel as if there has been a change in you? Are your injuries causing you pain? Sidney, please tell me what it is?"

"Charlotte, I'm quite well. I'm sorry for letting things get carried away but the thought of you being so far away, now when we have all that we wished for. I'm sorry. Forgive me"

"I'm going to leave you to rest. I need to pack and I'll see you in the morning. Goodnight Sidney."

"Goodnight Charlotte."

She reluctantly left the room and her close study of his face and her little frown made him realise she was not convinced with his excuses. 

What was he to do?


	34. A mystery to be solved

Sidney was exhausted. Between lack of sleep and his recovery, he felt as if he hadn't had more than two hours consecutive sleep for the last week. Mary had even commented on his poor appearance and threatened to get the doctor to examine him, as she believed he was ailing with a serious complaint. Sidney knew what was keeping him from his sleep. It was confusion, guilt and despair. Since he had received the letter claiming he had an unclaimed son, his mind was in a muddle. He may have had a colourful past, especially before Antigua, but surely he would remember the name of someone he had been so intimate with. The boarding houses of London were known to him, he wasn't going to deny it, but he had been particular about where he took his comfort. The letter he had received was from a Mr John Candleford, on behalf of his late sister Maryann. The details about her and his apparent son were brief and Sidney had wrecked his memory for any recollection of a girl of that name. He had replied to the letter three days ago, requesting a meeting with the boy and his uncle and was waiting on a letter in return. He needed to see this boy and he believed he would be better informed if he could see for himself if there was any discernible similarities. If the Candlefords were to come to Sanditon, as he had requested, he was going to need some assistance to meet with them discretely and for that he was counting on Babbington. He had contacted Babbington and requested a visit, so he could explain the matter to him and hopefully he might have something to add to his past. Sidney hoped his memory was fully recovered, but if Babbington was able to remind him of such a lady, then he was very likely to be an errant father. While he wanted a family, he wanted it only with Charlotte. 

It was the next day before Babbington came to visit and Sidney was glad he had arrived on his own.   
"Parker you look wretched. Are you missing your nursemaid this much?" He laughed.   
"I'm going to come straight to the point. I am in a mess Babbington and I'm desperate for your assistance. Can I count on you?" Sidney was frustrated he wasn't able to pace out his anxiety.   
"Of course. Is it money worries, Sidney? I will do what I can, if its more funding that's required but I believed all that was sorted."  
"It's not money, for a change. I've received a letter. It might be best if you were to read it for yourself. I can't bring myself to speak the words that are required to explain it to you." He handed the much read letter to his friend. He watched the look of shock that transformed Babbington.   
"Could it be true Sidney? Do you know of this 'Maryann' person?"  
"I've no memory of her at all. That was where I was hoping you might be able to help. Does her name ring a bell for you? Have I ever spoke of such a person? Has there ever been anyone of our circle with that name?"  
"Nobody of that name has ever come to my attention. What do you know of this man and his sister? Have you any other correspondence?"  
"I replied requesting them to visit. I explained my injuries and hope to have a reply soon. If I could ask some questions, see the boy, it might explain matters."  
"Yes, I can imagine you have a lot of questions. What if he is your son? What are you going to do? What did Miss Heywood say?"   
"If he is my son, then I will take on his upbringing. Without a mother and only an uncle, who already has a large family, it wouldn't be right to ignore him. I haven't mentioned it to Miss Heywood. I thought it best to determine the facts before alerting her of such a scandal."  
"Sidney, you are one of the most unfortunate men I have ever met. How can you endure the trauma that has been your life? At every turn you are tested. I thought that now, at least, when you had rid yourself of Mrs Campion and Miss Heywood had accepted you, that things were going to run smoothly from now on."  
"As had I Babbington. It seems that fate hasn't finished with me yet. It continues to make me wonder what might be next."  
A footman entered with a letter for Sidney just as Babbington was preparing to leave. Sidney ripped the letter open with a feeling of sickening foreboding.   
"It's from the uncle. They will be here tomorrow. I need you to tell Mary and Tom that we are going for some fresh air tomorrow, just the two of us, and instead we will meet with our visitors in a private room in the Crown bar. Can you arrange that for me Babbington?"  
"Easily done my friend. I will return for you tomorrow. Is there anything else I can do?"  
"Just make sure your good wife doesn't find out about this. At least not yet. I might need her assistance if I need to make amends with Miss Heywood. I'm hoping it won't come to that but the fewer that know of this, the better."

Sidney could hardly sit still, such was his anxiety and impatience. Babbington had successfully removed him from Trafalgar house and they had been ensconced in a private room at the Crown bar for fifteen minutes. Even the alcohol he had consumed hadn't helped to settle his nerves. At last, they heard the commotion that was caused by the London coach unloading its passengers and the awaited knock came to the door. The two friends stood to welcome their visitors.   
Sidney quickly noted the familial similarity between the Candlefords, they were both tall and slim, with the brightest red hair he had ever seen. For a ten year old, Amos Candleford was a strapping fellow with the greenest eyes he'd ever seen, they were spectacular. He bid them welcome and offered them the refreshments he had arranged.   
"I thank you Mr Parker. You have been most generous. I take it you are Mr Sidney Parker? I was doubtful of your existence after such a lengthy delay in replying to my letter but I can see your injuries are genuine at least."  
Sidney and Babbington looked briefly at each other. They had discussed the possibility that this could be a tense and angry meeting and were prepared to deal with such an encounter in a certain way. The attitude and appearance of these visitors, made them relax a little, as there seemed to be no animosity, yet.   
"Yes, indeed. You must have wondered at the length of time it took to reply to your letter. It only recently came into my possession, as it had been redirected here, from Antigua. I left the Indies almost a year ago. I wrote to you as soon as I received it. This is my friend Lord Babbington, who has assisted me today and is aware of the matter which we are to discuss. And this I presume is Mr Amos Candleford?"  
The boy came forward and shook Sidney's hand with a confidence that surprised him.   
"A pleasure to meet you sir. I too am aware of the matter which we are to discuss. I have always heard of my father from my late mother and was keen to be here today. I must admit sir, you are not exactly as I imagined you to be. My mother's description of you was detailed and I believed her to be more accurate than she seems to have been."  
"So, I don't look as she described me? What do you know of your father? How did they meet?"  
Sidney allowed his hope to surge. He could feel John Candleford look closely between Amos and himself. No doubt he was trying to see a resemblance between them. He could also see Babbington watch the two closely. His opinion had remained that it was a scam to try and extort money from Sidney.   
"Please, allow me to explain, Mr Parker. My sister met you when she worked as a barmaid in her uncle's tavern, by the docks, in London. 'The Black Swan' it was called. She was only there a short while before she returned to the family farm to help out, when our mother died. You had been a frequent visitor to the tavern and promised her marriage on your return to London. You had left to arrange for your trip to Antigua but she was at home on the farm before you returned for her. She tried for months to contact you but you never replied to her messages. It seemed, to her, that you never returned to the tavern to keep your promise."  
Sidney drunk in all the information he was receiving and felt the weight of worry lifting further from his shoulders. He exchanged a look with Babbington.   
"And how certain are you, that the man you speak of, was in fact Sidney Parker?" Babbington was quick to get to his main query.   
"My mother confessed that you only reluctantly revealed your name, 'Sid' after much persuasion. It took a lot of asking about to find out your last name. It was only the talk of you leaving for Antigua that eventually revealed your surname. You had kept a lot of secrets from her and because of that you broke her heart." Amos was doing his best to keep his emotions in check. Sidney was impressed by this young man. He had probably had to endure a lot in his young life.   
"I feel I must apologise for your wasted trip gentlemen. It would seem that you have been wrong in assuming I am the father of this fine young man."  
"Just one moment Mr Parker. You can't just deny the matter. How can you be sure you aren't this lads father?" John Candleford had rose to his feet as Sidney was dismissing their claim.   
Babbington also rose to be prepared to deal with any physical altercation. Sidney raised his palm in a calming motion. He wanted to explain his thoughts.   
"Numerous things you have said has brought me to that conclusion. I had no recollection of your names before your visit. I have never visited a tavern called 'the Black Swan' and I have never referred to myself as 'Sid' nor has any of my acquaintances."  
John Candleford did not appear to believe Sidney and on the face of it, it really was just his word against another's.   
"There needs to be more than that, sir. This lad has a father somewhere and he needs to know it."  
"I agree and if I can help I will do so. It might seem as if I am quick to dismiss the idea, but even young Amos seemed surprised in my appearance. Perhaps you might like to share with us what you were expecting Amos?"  
"My mother always insisted I had my father's eyes. She said it was what had attracted her to him. She also tried to let my hair grow longer so that my curls could be like his but she often referred to them being as black as a crow's feathers. She often laughed when she told me this, as my father's favourite bird was a crow."  
Sidney and Babbington exchanged shocked glances.   
"Peculiar indeed, Amos. I can assure you I have no particular preference for any feathered friend. So, your father was black haired, green eyed and preferred crows to all other birds? Was there anything else you can recall of her description? What of his age? Did she know how old he was? Anything of his education? Had he any family?"  
Sidney could feel his heart racing as he hoped for another nugget of information that might confirm what he was suspecting.   
"He had a sister, I think. A younger sister but I can't recall her name." Amos seemed frustrated in his lack of knowledge.   
"That's quite alright Amos. You might remember it another time. Could I ask of you when your birthday is? Just so we can perhaps settle this matter for your uncle's sake."  
"My birthday, sir, is in October. The second of October."  
"Well that is definitive then. If a baby is born in October, its conception was most likely in January. I had already been in Antigua two months by then. I can produce documents to support this Mr Candleford."  
"I'd appreciate that Mr Parker. But that doesn't help me with tracking down this lad's father. As much as I'd like to keep him with me, it's not right, I've six children of my own and men ought not go around having children and not looking after them. This is a good lad, any man would be proud of him, but he deserves the opportunities he should have if his father was of the upper class."  
Sidney watched the reactions that ran across the face of Amos Candleford. Such a young boy but his behaviour and manner was that of a young man. He would indeed have made his father proud, wherever he was.   
"What is your opinion Amos?" Sidney asked.   
"It had always been my mothers wish to have us together as a family. My father had made many promises and spoke of great fortune and riches. She believed him when he spoke of marriage. I have always lived with his ghost in our home and when she was on her death bed, I promised I would seek him out. If I find him and he doesn't wish to know me, then he was no gentleman but at least I have carried out my promise."  
"You are very young to be dealing with such a matter. A delicate situation such as this could've been dealt with without your knowledge. Could it not Mr Candleford? This young boy should be enjoying the innocence of youth." Babbington was sometimes worse than an old woman with his sensitivities and delicate opinions.   
"Sir, I have grown up on a farm with a mother and no father. I know enough about the birds and the bees. All our village knew of my mother's disgrace, but she was the best mother anyone could have and I made her a promise. I will be a man of my word, even if it emerges my father is not. My uncle has been honest with me, always has been and I don't want to be a burden to him. My knowledge of my father, or my mother's memories of him, are what will help us find him."  
"I hope you do find him. I will assist you in that matter. We both will. Are you staying in town for the night or are you returning to London tonight?" Sidney queried.   
"We have planned to return tonight. I can't stay away from our farm for too much longer."  
"Well then, you must stay here and eat your fill. Lord Babbington and I will leave you in peace and we'll be back to see you before you leave."

Babbington assisted Sidney from the room and into the main part of the hotel.   
"We've a lot to talk about Babbington. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, about that lad's father?"  
"I'd be surprised if we were thinking differently, Parker."  
"Where is Crowe at the minute?"  
"Wherever he is, we need to speak to him, urgently."


	35. Truths to be told

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay. IT and life issues were to blame. But I felt I needed to add a chapter today as I've been at this for 6 months now!

Sidney watched the carriage leave on its return to London. His sense of relief almost made him laugh aloud. While he had been prepared to deal with a newly met son he was glad he wouldn't have to beg for Charlotte's forgiveness or compassion, that such a development would've brought. At his core he believed she might have welcomed his son but he wasn't sure if her family would've been as understanding. He had assured the Candlefords of his support in their quest for answers and he had hinted that with his contacts in London, he might be able to make more progress than they had. He was to contact them in a month's time if he had been unsuccessful but sooner if any information could be got.   
Babbington and Sidney headed back to Trafalgar house together, knowing they had only one course of action ahead of them. They needed to contact Crowe. A simple and direct message was sent by messenger and they expected Crowe to arrive in Sanditon by morning, that was if he was even residing at his London house. The Crowe family were as rich as Babbington's and had several other estates, as well as their London home. Crowe preferred the entertainment and dazzle of the capital so the chances were high that he was there. There was very little they could do until he arrived. 

Sidney enjoyed a sound sleep and while his dreams were full of intimate and arousing images of Charlotte, he found an extra burst of energy when he awoke the next day. Things were looking up for him at last. He smirked to himself when he realised the pessimistic voice from within reminded him he had believed that before and was sadly mistaken. He had wrote a long letter to Charlotte last night after Babbington had left him and while his intention was to let her know how her absence was making him feel, he couldn't bring himself to tell her all that had happened. The events involving the Candlefords could only be explained in person. He felt an urgency to visit her in Willingden but he was still too injured to make the journey. Perhaps by the end of the week he might be in better shape. 

Babbington entered the drawing room of Trafalgar house with Crowe following closely behind. The grim look on Babbington's face was untypical but the bored expression on Crowe's was well known.   
"Will one of you please explain why I have been summoned to this backwater. I much prefer the entertainments of London and you both know it well. I'm missing quite a significant ball by coming all this way."  
Sidney felt uneasy as he prepared to break the news to Crowe but first he needed to ensure some privacy so suggested the three friends attempt a stroll along the beach. While it might be a bit of a trek, Sidney was determined to hasten his recovery and there was no way he wanted Tom to know of what had been going on. 

At last the three friends were well clear of any eavesdroppers and Sidney was finding his exertions easier to tolerate. The time was right to tell all to Crowe.   
"Crowe, you must promise to listen to all I have to say before you interrupt or ask any questions. Can you promise me that?"   
Sidney could feel his heart race slightly as he watched his friend's reaction and knew of what was to come. Crowe gave a quick nod and Sidney took a deep breath so he could begin.   
"I received a letter a while ago from a Mr John Candleford on behalf of his sister MaryAnn. She has died and her son Amos wanted to meet with his father, who he believed Mr Sidney Parker. I didn't know the name but requested they come to Sanditon so the matter could be discussed. John and Amos Candleford did come and we discussed the matter and established I could not be the boy's father."  
Babbington was watching Crowe's expressions as closely as Sidney. Crowe's shock and then relief on behalf of his friend was obvious but there was no sign of recognition from to the mention of MaryAnn Candleford. Sidney continued. 

"What we could determine was that MaryAnn met the father of her son, Amos, in a public house in London, where she had worked. He called himself Sid and was planning to travel to Antigua for business. His appearance was reported as of black hair and green eyes, very vivid green at that."

"And where do I come into this story? I trust that is why I have summonsed? I might know more than a few places of entertainment about London but I don't know them all nor do I know all their female staff. That would be a feat that even I couldn't accomplish."

"Are you quite sure the name means nothing to you Crowe? MaryAnn Candleford? She worked in 'the black swan', somewhere near the docks."

"Not a glimmer of recognition. Neither for the lady's name nor the venue. But why should I know her name? Is there more to this story than your saying?"

"Black hair, green eyes and called Sid. With business in Antigua. Can you not figure it out man?" Babbington was impatient to get to the crux of the matter.

"It's not me Babbers! Parker, I might be a reckless fool but I would never impersonate you. What exactly are you both trying to say?"

"I never thought it was you Crowe. But what of your brother? Harold?" Sidney studied his friend closely and saw the moment all the facts clicked into place. 

"HMS? Do you really think it might've been him? He was in Antigua for a while but he's been back this five years or more."

"If you could only see the lad, Amos, he's very similar to you, only with the bright green eyes of your brother. And hasn't HMS got Sidney in his name?"

"Yes, I suppose you could be right. Tell me, did these Candlefords describe the wench to you? Did she have shocking red hair?" Crowe seemed anxious to have an answer to his question. 

"What makes you ask such a question?" Babbington asked defensively. 

"Calm down, Babbington. I've nothing against redheads! It's just that my brother often laments of a lost love, with wild red hair, when he has indulged in a little too much alcohol"

"Indeed both the Candlefords have the brightest of red hair. How can we be sure of this? If it is the case, your brother needs to meet with his son. Where is he presently?" Sidney wanted to be able to bring a swift resolution to this matter. 

"Last I heard from him he was ensconced at the old home pile. He's still being trained by papa to take over some day."

"Well then, until he is contacted we will say nothing to the Candlefords but I promise you this Crowe, I will not allow him to ignore the matter. I have made a promise to that young man and you'd be proud of him if you had met him Crowe. Your probable nephew is a fine young man."

"I always knew HMS was too good to be true. I never thought he would be the one with the bastard turning up on the doorstep."

"What exactly does HMS stand for Crowe?" Babbington was distracted by the realisation that his friends' nickname had become so entrenched in his mind he didn't know of his actual name. 

"Harold Matthew Sidney, the third. Can't leave the numbers off the end. Father will be somewhat pleased he might already have an heir. Mother won't be so easily persuaded to take him into the family. She had her heart set on HMS marrying some empty headed lady from the upper set. She was most adamant about it at the last occasion when we were all enduring her hosting skills in London. She has given up on me but HMS was also resisting her plotting."

"We'll it's your job to let him know and then let him proceed from there. You must write to him immediately. Amos Candleford has waited ten years for his father."

"All right Babbington. I understand what you are saying. I will write directly to him. Do you wish to stand over me while I do?"

"I think we all can trust you to do this much Crowe. Now it is time to return to Trafalgar house." Sidney turned to retrace their steps. 

Sidney could feel the relief lift the weight from his shoulders. Crowe had known a little of MaryAnn Candleford and that was enough to convince him that their notion was correct. Amos would know of his father before too long. Harold Crowe was a decent fellow from his dealings with him and Sidney believed there might have been a genuine relationship between him and MaryAnn Candleford. It was no longer his problem and he had done what he could for young Amos. Now he needed to make his way to Willingden where Charlotte could hear all that had occurred. He was determined there was to be full honesty in their marriage and that included this matter. He wondered if he could be well enough to head out the next day. His impatience was starting to build. Things were starting to smooth out again. He took a last glance out to sea as they made their way back to town. Soon he hoped to be back here with Charlotte on his arm.


	36. waiting

Sidney had waited three days before he could convince Mary he was well enough to travel. They were the longest of days, in his opinion and he couldn't wait to reach Willingdon. The Parker carriage was making good progress but Sidney felt it wasn't travelling fast enough. He was additionally frustrated that Tom had insisted on coming with him and had almost high jacked the trip, by forcing him to detour to a village in search of a stonemason he had heard of. Tom's promise, to Lady Denham and James Stringer, to increase the rate of building, was something he seemed to be obsessed with. Sidney believed a letter could've sufficed, but Tom was insistent on seeing the man's work, so here they were parked up in Totten, wasting valuable time, as far as Sidney was concerned. At last, Tom reappeared and settled himself into the carriage.   
"Fine work, Sidney. Wait to you see the workmanship of Mr Toal. He will be a great addition to the workmen of Sanditon. He promises to arrive before the end of the week."  
"I'm glad your detour was worth it. Now may we concentrate on the main purpose of this trip? We need to get to Willingdon and speak with Mr Heywood."  
"Yes, of course. Indeed, indeed. A capital plan, Sidney. Do you know what you will say to Charlotte's father? Have you prepared anything? Is there anything I can say to be of assistance?"  
"Thank you, Tom. I believe I will speak the truth and I will hope he will take a chance on me and with Charlotte there to support me, I believe all will be fine. If, however, things do not run smoothly, I perhaps will need your assistance."  
"Of course, Sidney. This brings back memories of my own meeting with Mary's father. It's perfectly natural to be nervous Sidney. You never can tell what a father has hoped for his daughter. Especially his eldest daughter. They often have the most difficult of paths to clear. You must be firm and persistent, Sidney."  
"I don't come all this way to give up easily, Tom. I believe we have been challenged enough. A refusal now would be too much for either of us to bear. I'm not above an elopement if it's the only way."  
The two men shared a laugh and Sidney hoped it was only a jest as they drew closer to their destination. 

At last they arrived at the Heywood's home. Tom was his usual energetic and vociferous self as he leapt from the carriage. Sidney still found he needed to take his time with his injuries. His heart was racing, palms sweating and mouth dry. He was desperate for the sight of Charlotte. If he could get a glimpse of her his nerves would settle. At their arrival, children seemed to appear from round every corner and peer at them from every window. Sidney realised this was what belonging to such a large family meant. A young lady appeared at the front door as they approached and for a second Sidney believed it was Charlotte but as she lifted her head he felt the weight of disappointment as he realised it was not Charlotte.   
"Mr Parker, how good to see you again." She spoke gently and with the same accent as Charlotte. She even had the same head tilt as his beloved.   
"Well met, Alison. I'm glad to be able to return and this time without having to be physically assisted to your home! Is your father or mother present?" Tom enquired.   
"They are due back from the village, sir. We expect them any minute. And is your wife not accompanying you, sir?"  
"No, not this time. But excuse me, let me introduce my brother Sidney."  
"It's a pleasure to meet you Miss Alison. I have heard much about you from your sister and the resemblance is quite definite."  
"Thank you, sir. I too have heard much about you and of course Sanditon."  
"And is Miss Heywood hereabouts? We have much news from Sanditon."  
"I'm afraid to say you have missed her. She has gone away, just this morning."  
Sidney felt his blood run cold. She was gone. How could this be? Perhaps she too was only as far as the village.   
"Gone? That is most unfortunate. May I enquire where she has gone and if she might be long away?" He knew his questions were impolite for a mere acquaintance but he felt Alison knew what had happened.   
"She left for Sanditon at first light. I'm surprised you did not meet her on the road."  
"Perhaps we would have, were it not for Tom insisting on a detour. He had some business in a local village on our way here."  
"Well that was most unfortunate, you must've narrowly missed crossing paths. You must be in need of some refreshments. Please, come in and relax, until our parents return at least."  
"I would much prefer to be on our way but thank you for your hospitality." He itched to see Charlotte. They had been too long apart.   
"Nonsense, Sidney. We cannot just turn back immediately. We will rest awhile until Mr and Mrs Heywood return. We have business to discuss with them. You can't have forgotten the purpose of our trip. "  
"No, forgive me. I would be glad of some refreshments. Thank you."  
They entered the house and were shown to a large kitchen where all the family seemed to have assembled. Sidney was conscious that he was being closely studied. He tried to appear friendly and made eye contact with all the children but his mind was unsettled at the reason for Charlotte leaving for Sanditon. Had something happened between her and her family that led to her leaving without a word to him? Had she changed her mind and was on her way, to break it to him? His mind was in a whirl and he was glad of Tom's presence as he maintained the conversation and allowed him to ponder the recent development. If it was down to him they would already be on their way back home but Tom was right. He needed to speak to Mr Heywood, so that when he finally did catch up with Charlotte, all would be in place. This realisation didn't make his impatience any less. If he had been fit to do so, he would've paced the limited length of the Heywood's kitchen. All he could do was listen to Tom as he prattled away.   
The sound of voices and doors opening and closing was enough to make Sidney's heart race. Now the moment was almost upon him and his well thought out speech was beginning to fade from his mind. What would he do if they were against the match? 

"Mr Parker. A delight to see you again. You're most welcome. We did not expect visitors or we would have been much sooner for home. Why did you not send one of the children for us?" Mr Heywood seemed quite welcoming and a little cross not to have been there to welcome the visitors. Sidney hoped this was a good sign.   
"The pleasure is all mine Mr Heywood, to be back in your home. We are only here a little while and we have been made most welcome. Do not concern yourself but let me introduce my brother, Mr Sidney Parker. Mr Heywood and Mrs Heywood."  
Sidney rose as best as he could to properly meet with the couple. It surprised him to see Charlotte's parents as such a young couple but he should've known that was the case with Charlotte being one of their eldest. He felt his heart race with nerves as he was closely studied by the pair. He couldn't be sure but he thought there was a look of disapproval on Mr Heywood's face. Mrs Heywood seemed harder to read. He knew he needed to make a good impression and convince them of his dedication to Charlotte.   
"Mr Sidney, please retake your seat. I believe you are still recovering from your injuries. I'm surprised you're well enough to make the journey." Mrs Heywood showed she was as caring as Charlotte.   
"Thank you Mrs Heywood. My injuries were not as bad as they could've been. My dear sister in law and your daughter, have cared for me with such consideration that I am almost as good as new again."   
Sidney was glad to take his seat again. He was unsure if it was exertion or nervousness that was making his heart race.   
"We have heard much about all the Parkers and of course Sanditon, from Charlotte. We seem to have lost her to that place. I sometimes wonder if it is her youth and inexperience that has caused her to become so enamoured, so quickly. No doubt, everything and everyone in Sanditon has the shine of novelty to a country girl like Charlotte. What do you say Mr Tom?"   
Mr Heywood had said so much in that statement that alarmed Sidney. Tom glanced his way and for once Sidney hoped Tom understood the underlying warning in the question that was posed to him.   
"Mr Heywood, Sanditon is the dearest place in the world to me and I can understand why someone would fall in love with it. Your dear daughter Charlotte, has done much to aid its development and made many friends. Her assistance and friendship has been invaluable to my wife and I. Our children adore her. As for her country ways and manners, she has behaved impeccably and with grace. She is trusting and friendly to everyone, which does you both credit. She is also a young lady with a sensible head on her shoulder. She is not silly or frivolous like some of her age."   
Tom looked briefly in Sidney's direction. He seemed to be trying to transmit some encouragement in his direction.   
"I would urge you and your whole family to come to Sanditon and see for yourself what an exceptional place it is. Perhaps you too will fall in love with it."  
"Perhaps we will Mr Parker. I don't know whether to trust Charlotte's opinion on the place and its inhabitants. She is very young still, Mr Parker "   
Mr Heywood did not make eye contact with either Parker brother as he made this statement and Sidney feared it was directed at him. His heart raced as he took him to mean he was not prepared to give his permission to any engagement. But he was not going to give up at this potential roadblock. He had come all this way to do one job and he was determined to get it done.   
"Mr Heywood would it be possible to have a private chat with you?" Sidney looked the man straight in the eye and tried to be as firm and confident as possible.   
"Certainly Mr Parker. We may have some quiet in my study" 

The two men took their seats in the small and comfortable study. Sidney could easily imagine Charlotte choosing a book from the shelves and making herself comfortable in the armchair by the fire that Mr Heywood had chosen to sit in. Sidney took the chair offered by Mr Heywood that he had taken from the desk and turned so they were facing each other.   
"Mr Parker I can imagine what you wish to discuss with me but let me first say something. When Charlotte first returned from Sanditon, her spirit was broken. She never said much of what had caused this sadness but since then we have found out enough to know you were the cause. It was obvious, when she learned of your accident and rushed back to care for you, that the matter was far from settled. When your letter arrived informing us of your intention and some of what had occurred, we were most concerned. Charlotte has been campaigning on your behalf since she returned most recently and I will admit I can see some of the old Charlotte back again. For that I am glad. However, Mr Parker I know more of the world than my daughter. I have had dealings with men who were not as they appeared. My daughter trusts too easily and while that is an admirable characteristic, it causes her mother and I much worry. I hope you will understand one day when you have your own children how much we fear for their happiness. Now you will no doubt wish to get my agreement to allow her to marry you? I can see from your face you have struggled to not interrupt me but I have my mind made up."

Sidney felt his heart racing. The emotions that Mr Heywood had stirred up within him, ranged from shame, to hurt, to fear. Charlotte's father was right. She was young in experience compared to other ladies of the same age. Was he wrong to take advantage of this and anchor her to him before giving her a chance to see the world? He swallowed his fear as he pictured her, reaching up to kiss him. He couldn't let her go. He had tasted a life without her by his side and he didn't want to leave her free for someone else to snatch her up. 

"Mr Heywood, I am not surprised you mistrust me. I have not behaved as I would've wished. I have hurt Charlotte, I am ashamed to admit it, regardless of the justification and for whatever reason she has forgiven me. For that I will always be thankful. But I must beg for your permission to allow us to marry. She has made me a better man and without her my life would be meaningless and bleak. If you wish us to wait so that you may get to know me better, then we will wait. If you wish me to come and live a while nearby, so your family can come to trust me, just say the word. I will do anything you ask sir, just don't ask me to leave her alone. That I cannot and will not do."

"You are most generous, Mr Parker. I think some time is needed. It might be sufficient to see this Sanditon place and then I will be better equipped to answer your request. Will we shake on it Mr Parker?"

Sidney found a sense of relief as he shook the hand of Charlotte's father. It was not what he had hoped for, but it was better than a refusal. He was determined to win them over. He would get their blessing as he knew how important it was to Charlotte and he was prepared to do whatever it took to make her happy. 

Sidney and Tom were well settled in their carriage on their way back to Sanditon. They had spent an amicable evening with the Heywood family and after dinner were able to take their leave. Tom was quiet for longer than Sidney had expected.   
"Well then, are you going to tell me what was said? Did you get his blessing? Am I to congratulate you brother?"  
"No, Tom. No congratulations are needed."  
"What has happened Sidney? What have you done this time?"  
Sidney looked at Tom in surprise. It was not he who put his foot in it as frequently as Tom. Sidney would admit he was unlucky, but Tom won the prize for making a mess of things.   
"Nothing happened Tom. Mr Heywood has decided he would like to see Sanditon and spend more time with our family before making a decision. I am to prepare for the family to arrive next week. We must all do our best for Charlotte's sake. They must experience the best from Sanditon and the Parkers."  
"Capital plan, Sidney. We will entertain them with the best and they will come to regret having to leave. Trust me Sidney you will have his blessing before he leaves."  
"I hope you are right Tom. My future rests in this visit and nothing can go wrong."  
Sidney felt his nerves increase as he thought back over everything that had went wrong in the past. Was he foolish to expect an uneventful visit for the Heywood's?


	37. Consideration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the positive comments  
> apologies for not being more consistent with updates - I will try to improve

Charlotte appeared from Trafalgar house as soon as their carriage stopped. Sidney could feel a weight lift from his shoulders. She was here and he could hold her at last. Her shy smile was present as he carefully stepped down from the carriage. Tom embraced Mary who stood by her side. Sidney wished for the day when he too could hold Charlotte close in public for all of Sanditon to see. For now, all he could do, with propriety, was to return her smile and bow in greeting. The clasp of her hand as they entered into Tom's house was only for their own sakes.   
After resting and catching up with Mary and the children, at last they were allowed a few moments together. The fleeting glances that were exchanged merely stoked his anticipation to hold her again.   
"You never said what you thought I'd Willingdon, Sidney. Was it as you expected?"  
"I'm afraid I did not take in much of your home village. I had other things on my mind. Seeing you, was my priority and then to discover you were already gone."  
He took the opportunity to move his seat to the chaise beside her. They both looked towards the open door as he took both her hands between his. A slight blush appeared on her cheeks.   
"Yes, I was most surprised to arrive to see my sickly patient, only for him to be off gallivanting through the countryside."  
"If only we had gallivanted directly to Willingdon, perhaps we wouldn't have missed each other on the road. Yet again, Tom and his bright ideas have hindered my plans"  
"And what of your plans Mr Parker. May I be so bold to ask of the nature of your plans?"  
"My plan, dearest Charlotte, was to see you. To hold you, for you were gone too long. I could barely wait for Mary to relent and let me go. Don't laugh so Charlotte. Mary can be very stubborn when she wants to be."  
"Mary is only firm when she fears for someone she loves and who might injure themselves further in their folly."  
"Going to you, would never be a folly, Charlotte."   
He reached up to push back a lock of hair that fallen over her eye. He couldn't help himself lean closer as he got lost in the depths of her eyes as they fell silent. Tempted to kiss but aware of the open door and the others within the house.   
"Sidney, did you speak to my father? Did you speak to him of our marriage?"  
"I did. He was most generous with his time. And your mother and siblings, were full of questions and tales of your youth. It was a very informative trip. I look forward to spending more time with them."  
"I can hardly believe they are arriving so soon. My family have never holidayed together. But Sidney, what of our engagement? What are you not saying?"  
"Your father has concerns, Charlotte. And it is his right to be cautious. He knows nothing of me and what he does know is not a good reflection of a future son in law. He wants time to get to know me and the rest of the Parkers. I'm happy to give him that time if it will gain his blessing."  
"But Sidney, I don't wish to wait. We have endured enough. I want to be married to you before another twist of fate can drive us apart."  
She clung to his vest as she pleaded with him. He struggled to not draw her closer into an embrace. He had debated with himself of sharing his concerns with her regarding her youth and inexperience. Her father was right and he didn't wish to be selfish. He knew she deserved the world and settling her in Sanditon and to him, wouldn't be fair to her.   
"Charlotte, nothing will stop us from getting married if that is what you truly wish. You are old enough to not need your father's permission but his blessing is important to you and as a result, to me also. We can be patient a little longer. We have a lifetime ahead of us."   
He ran his hand over her curls and touched her chin to raise her eyes to meet his.   
"You are right, Sidney. My father's blessing is important. He will love you, almost as much as I do, when he gets to know you. I'm sure of it."  
"Well then"  
"Well then"  
He gave in to temptation and met her lips for a kiss that started gently but soon spiralled out of control. The sound of Tom coming down the stairs broke them apart and had them moving to separate seats. The exchanged smiles were far from secret and Tom knew that he had interrupted a moment between the couple. 

All the preparations had been made and all the Parkers were anxiously awaiting the arrival of the Heywood family. Sidney could feel a tension in the air and he hoped it was just his own notion. If anything was to go wrong, he had little hope that he had any luck left to fix another catastrophe. While they had planned entertainment for her family, his mind had been full of Charlotte, what her father had said and her lack of life experiences. He often recalled her reactions and comments from their time in London. She has risked her own safety due to her lack of knowledge and blind trust. When she had told him of her conversations with Edward Denham and what she had witnessed him and Clara Brereton do in the grounds of Sanditon place, made him rage. She had quite a time calming him after that little story. This also highlighted her naivety in certain matters. Even telling her of Amos Candleford had brought home to him how much of an innocent she truly was. Her caring and trusting nature had meant she had listened to him in this matter and only questioned him to clarify issues. At no time had she doubted what he had told her. He had expected nothing less from her and while he loved the trust she had in him, he knew there were others who would abuse that trust. His heart was torn trying to decide what would be best for her. And that was his one true priority. Doing what was best for her even if it meant hurt for himself. An engagement could be delayed and a courtship could be agreed. If it took years before they were married, at least Charlotte would've had the chance to spread her wings. Perhaps some time in London, as a guest to Lady Susan, would give her the opportunities she deserved. He prayed and hoped, if that was the case, she would still choose him at the end of her adventure. He was almost definite in this decision and believed her father would agree to it. It hurt to imagine her so far away from him but he would go to London if she wanted him near, even if it meant putting up with the society there and all that he had come to dislike so much. He would speak to her father at an appropriate time about his decision and hoped Charlotte would see it as a good thing.   
She had frequently spoke to him of her father's blessing being a forgone conclusion at the end of the Heywood's holiday. While it cheered him to have her faith in him, he had done his best to try and be non committal in his comments. He had found a gentle touch and a smile was enough to distract her from giving a direct answer to her questions. But he felt a burden of guilt with these small deceptions. 

At last the Heywood's carriage arrived with the Parker's own carriage also helping to convey the large group. There was much laughter and cheerful greetings amongst the family. When they were eventually all settled into Trafalgar house and all the introductions were made, Sidney allowed himself to take a deep breath. The first part of Charlotte's plan was a success and everybody seemed to be getting along well. He could feel her happy glance from the other side of the room. She had planned a full week of activities for her family and had even considered the changeable weather and what might be appropriate on wetter days. He was exhausted just thinking about the week ahead but he was going to do whatever it took to get the Heywood's to give him a chance with Charlotte. While he was still far from fully fit, he felt the pressure of this week and he wasn't going to be found wanting nor miss out on any of the activities that Charlotte wished him to attend. This was perhaps his only chance to show the Heywood's the better man that Charlotte had transformed him into. The added bonus would be the time he would get to spend with Charlotte, even if there were half a dozen or more chaperones. They would hopefully be his family one day and he wanted to get to know them as much as they needed to get to know him . 

Tom Mary and he helped escort the Heywood family to the house they had rented for the duration of their stay. As it was a recently built house, that would eventually be rented as three separate apartments, everything was bright new and modern. The Heywood's were stunned at what they saw and were reluctant to stay in such fancy lodgings until Charlotte explained that they would not have the use of a full group of staff and would still be seeing mostly to their own needs. Mary convinced them they were doing Tom a favour by staying and letting him know of any improvements that could be made to enhance anyone's future stay. Eventfully Mrs Heywood seemed to accept the fact and agreed to the accommodation. Charlotte had already moved her things, so that she could spend as much time with her family as possible. Sidney, as a result, was back in Trafalgar house but without Charlotte staying there it had lost some of its attraction for him. He knew he would be seeing a lot of the rental house over the next week but he would try and not impose too much upon the Heywood's. As the Parkers left them to settle in, Mary linked her arm with his and gave it a slight squeeze.   
"Sidney, all will be well. I'm sure of it. How could anyone not see you for the wonderful man that you are?"  
He hoped she was right.


	38. Finally

The week had passed quickly and Sidney had many joyful memories of the Heywood family. He had still to speak to Mr heywood and needed to get him alone before they departed tomorrow. He was anxious to have the matter settled, as his nerves were stretched to their limit. Every night, as he took to his bed, he breathed a sigh of relief when a disaster hadn't struck Charlotte's plans. He was now at the most critical juncture of his life. All that had gone before, paled into insignificance compared to the conversation he was to have with Mr Heywood.   
Sidney believed the Heywood family had enjoyed their time with Arthur, Diana and Georgiana, engaging wholeheartedly with the week's events. Tom, Mary and the children were also fully involved and the friendships that had begun between the younger children, would possibly last for many years. Everything he had hoped for had come to fruition. Their families were as one and a happy crowd to be around. Charlotte had been in her element with all the energy and happiness, he now knew, was part of the core of her being. If he had only been a little in love before this visit, he was now totally gone. The fact that he was so in love before he witnessed her with her dearest, just reinforced how much he wanted to be by her side. There would never be another woman for him, whatever would occur after he spoke to her father.   
Sidney has spent many hours with both Mr and Mrs Heywood and they had discussed many topics and while there had been some sensitive issues discussed, he believed he hadn't set them against him. He just needed to speak to Mr Heywood and he needed to do it tonight. Charlotte, and her parents, with Tom and Mary hosting, were to dine together in Trafalgar house. It was a smaller than normal group but it suited Sidney and Mary let him know she was conscious that it was to be a significant meal. Charlotte had not asked him about their betrothal for a few days and of that he was glad. But now the time had come. 

"Sidney, I would like a private moment with you if it suits?" asked Mr Heywood as they finished their meal and were retiring to the parlour.   
"Of course, sir, we can use tom's office"  
There were several exchanges of glances and Sidney took courage from the small nod Charlotte sent his way.   
"I will admit, I'm surprised to have had such a pleasant stay in the infamous Sanditon. It is not what I had imagined but I will take ownership of that prejudiced opinion. It has been many years from I have strayed too far from Willingdon. Society has changed and for the better I will admit. I wish to also thank you and your family for making us so welcome. My family and I will remember this week fondly, for many years. As well as all that, I must come to the point, Sidney. Part of the purpose of this trip was to get to know you and make a decision on the future of my daughter."  
Sidney could feel his heart race as Mr Heywood rose from his chair to pace in front of the fireplace. As he wasn't familiar with his moods, he hoped this wasn't an indication of displeasure.   
"My wife and I have agreed on one thing for certain. You are very much in love with Charlotte, as she is with you."  
"I am sir."  
"As for giving our consent to her marriage, I still am worried about what life with you might mean. Will you take her away to Antigua if the notion strikes you or to another place of adventure?"  
"Mr Heywood, I have no plans to return to Antigua and if I were to go, it would be for only a short while, as I couldn't bear to be parted from Charlotte."  
"Very good, that is something at least."  
"If I may say sir, I too am worried about marriage to Charlotte at this stage. She is all I could want in a wife but she is capable in so many ways and deserves to be the best she can be and I want her to experience all that she wishes and that may be best before she settles down in marriage."  
"Are you reneging on your intentions Mr Parker? Have you changed your mind? What are you suggesting?"  
Mr Heywood took an aggressive stance as he faced Sidney.   
"Never sir. I still very much wish to marry Charlotte. There can be no other wife for me. I merely wish to allow her some time to experience the world before settling her in Sanditon."  
"How long do you think this experience would take Mr Parker? And where would she gain this experience you speak of?"  
"I had thought that perhaps she might spend time with Lady Susan Worcester in London. I have contacted her and she is planning a short tour to France and Italy in the coming months and would be delighted if Charlotte was able to accompany her. I would hope that on their return, Charlotte might then be in a better position to know if she still wishes to settle with me in Sanditon."  
"You have been most efficient in your arrangements, even when it was most inappropriate to plot in this way on behalf of my daughter. Have you completed this with her consent and knowledge?"  
"Lady Susan has been a friend of Charlotte's for quite some time and as I have come to know her, I now count her amongst one of my most valuable friends. I did not mention any of this to Charlotte. I wished it all done before presenting the idea to her and I wished for your agreement and consent. Charlotte has been counting on this week as bringing an end to our informal courtship and with an official announcement of our engagement. I worry that she may not see the wisdom of my plan when it's first presented to her."  
"You are right to worry, Sidney. My daughter is not always amenable to others telling her what is best for her. I'm surprised you have not realised this yet."  
"Indeed I do know Mr Heywood. She has often demonstrated her independence and that is why I would appreciate your support with this suggestion. Can I count on you sir in this matter?"  
"What I suggest Sidney is that you speak to Charlotte about this. I will send her to you directly. If she agrees to this adventure then I will be happy to support it. But you are living dangerously sir if you believe she will take kindly to a plan that is in opposition to what she hopes for. But we will see."  
Mr Heywood left Sidney and with that warning ringing in his ears, Sidney felt his panic rise. 

Charlotte entered the office shortly after her father had departed.   
"Well, Sidney is all agreed? Can we set a date at last?"  
Her excitement was palpable and Sidney struggled around the lump in his throat.   
"What is it Sidney? There is no possibility that he refused. Has he refused? What has happened?"  
"Charlotte, my dearest Charlotte. There is nothing I want more on this planet than to have you as my wife, however, I feel it would be wrong of me to tie you down before you have seen more of the world. I suggest we delay our engagement for a time. Lady Susan would be happy for you to accompany her to the continent, see some of France and Italy. When you return you can then decide if you still wish to marry me. I will be here hoping you return to me."  
He took a deep breath as he finished his speech. He had tried to maintain eye contact with her as he spoke but when he saw the hurt in them, he had to look down to where he had clasped her hands within his.   
She took a step back and removed her hands from his. She paced in front of the fireplace as she digested what he had said.   
"So you don't wish to marry me Sidney? Is this a way to push me away and hope my interest sways to someone else? If you have changed your mind just come out with it. You had no problem with breaking my heart before Mr Parker."  
He rushed to hold her close and reassure her of his commitment.  
"No, Charlotte, that couldn't be further from the truth. You are the only wife I wish for. It is for your sake I want to give you the space to decide. I want you to be sure of me, of us."  
She raised her hand to cup his cheek and looked deep into his very soul.   
"I am sure. Why do I need space? Why do I need to travel away from you to know my mind? Have we not been through enough to know what we want?"  
He raised her other hand to place small kisses along her knuckles.  
"Charlotte you are the most capable and joyful woman I have ever met and I know you could do anything you set your mind to. I don't want to be the person who has limited you."  
"Sidney Parker, you are a fool. When we are together, we are capable of so much more. It is when you are by my side that I will be at my best, just as you excel when you follow my advice. You limit me, when you don't trust me to know my own mind."  
Her teasing made his heart swell.   
"But Charlotte, you have seen nothing of the world and you have the opportunity to see it all if that is what you wish. Lady Susan would see to it and while I would miss you I want you to see all that there is to see."  
She put both her arms around his waist and brought herself as close to him as she could.   
"Can we not see these places together Sidney? Could we travel to such places on a honeymoon tour? I would much prefer to see only some things, as long as you are with me. Sidney, do you not understand me yet? I want to see you every morning and every night with your head on my pillow. I want to see you as you hold our children. I want to see you at my side as we take a walk along Sanditon beach. You are my world, Sidney Parker."  
With every statement she placed a delicate kiss upon his eyes, his cheeks, his lips.   
"Just as you are mine Charlotte Heywood. Are you sure of this? You don't wish to travel with Lady Susan?"  
He couldn't help caressing her face as he realised she was devoted to him.   
"I would prefer to travel with you."  
"I suppose we could include some foreign travel in our honeymoon."  
Their concluding kiss was sweeter than any he could remember between them.   
"Well then"  
"Well then"  
"Shall I send for my father again. I believe we have come to an understanding Mr Parker."  
"There is one other matter Miss Heywood. Could we agree on a wedding date?"  
"If you wish. Had you a date in mind?"  
"I would very much like us to marry next week, if it suits you?"  
"Next week. Sidney but that would be impossible. The banns need to be read and we need to arrange for our families."  
"It is possible, Charlotte, if we were in possession of a special license. And our families are already here. A few extra days added to your family's holiday wouldn't be too inconvenient."  
"And how would we get a special licence? You would need to go to London to purchase one."  
"Or.. I could go upstairs to get the one I have already arranged for us."  
"Sidney! How long have you planned this?"  
"I have wanted you to be my wife almost from the first day I met you. It might've taken a while for me to know what my heart was trying to tell me, but I have finally taken heed of it and you. So will you marry me next week, my sweet and innocent Miss Heywood?"  
"I believe I will, Mr Parker"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't know whether to continue or leave it there  
> all feedback appreciated


	39. Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only a short 1 but next one will be the last

Sidney couldn't stop staring at his wife. She still remained asleep but he had been awake for hours. He couldn't find a reason to remove himself from their bed. The past few days felt like a dream. The delight and celebration, when they had announced their plan to marry in a few days, was only surpassed by the shock and panic displayed by the women. Mrs Heywood and Mary were particularly alarmed. He had doubted himself when he came to realise his rush would mean there would be no special gown or extra arrangements that Charlotte was entitled to. She had reassured him that gowns and such were the last thing she wished for. Lady Denham and Lady Babbington were quick to arrange modifications to existing gowns for Charlotte to wear. The final vision of her walking towards him on her father's arm was angelic, and if truth was told, he could barley remember the colour of her gown. The way her hair was decorated with wild flowers was exactly right for her. The country girl who was fresh and innocent, was willingly coming to him and had chosen him. He could barely breathe as he realised his good fortune. It was her look of happiness and love that outshone every other woman he had ever beheld.   
The Heywood family were worth their weight in gold when it came to all the other arrangements that were required. He thought belonging to such a large family was going to be a delight in so many ways, until it had come to trying to leave them behind as they tried to take their leave from their wedding breakfast. It had seemed to take hours in Sidney's opinion. The banquet that had so swiftly been prepared was astounding and while it had contained many of his favourites, he couldn't recollect if he had ate much of anything. He was just conscious that he wanted Charlotte to be by his side all the time. There were times when he felt that he was too intrusive, when she spoke to her family and friends, and he had consciously tried to give her space but she would hold on to him not allowing him to leave, or would join him in his groups and hold his hand. It was at her suggestion they had decided to leave and he was swift in saying his goodbyes. Other than Babbington and Crowe, everyone was polite and cheerful when they announced their departure. His good friends, however, never wasted an opportunity to embarrass him. He still blushed as he recalled Crowe's tease.  
"The only novelty for Miss Heywood tonight, will likely be her surroundings isn't that right Parker?  
He had been equally alarmed and angry at such a statement and was gearing up to let loose on him when Babbington intervened.   
"Don't be ridiculous man. Mrs Parker may already have had the questionable privilege of seeing every inch of our good friend but there might be a few surprises in store for her. I'm sure Sidney will be up to the job. No nerves for our man. He's made of strong stuff and won't let such a pretty little wife intimidate him between the sheets."  
Crowe continued to be brave.   
"I hear you're a demon between the sheets. Well that's what the ladies of the boarding houses say. Don't overdo it tonight Parker. "  
His mind quickly flashed through all the images his friends suggestions conjured up and felt a cold sweat break out on his neck. His nervousness of what lay ahead as his conjugal duty made him worry he would over step some mark and ruin everything for Charlotte.   
He chuckled and felt his smile widen as he recollected all that had happened when they had eventually retired for the night. His darling wife was not so fresh and innocent when it came to expressing her wishes and desires. She claimed extensive reading had been the source of some of her more surprising suggestions but there was nothing he wouldn't do for her and so it would seem, nothing she wouldn't do for him. It was a night to remember and he had the aches and scratch marks to prove it.   
As he watched, she slowly opened her eyes and smiled as broadly as he probably was.   
"Good morning, Mr Parker. I hope you slept well?"  
"Very well, Mrs Parker. I hope you have had sufficient rest?"  
He felt unable to stop his hand from pushing back her curls. He had wanted to do so for hours but didn't want to disturb her sleep.   
"I think I have had sufficient rest, husband"  
Her bare body came closer to his as she reached round his waist to hold him closer.   
"And what are your plans for today? I apologise, for I have not thought this far ahead. It's a poor reflection on my skills as a husband to have not planned something for our first day as man and wife."  
The feel of her silky skin was addictive. The hours they had spent last night, just touching each other, should've slaked his thirst for her but it had not.   
"Your skills as a husband have been most admirable, so far. My plans for today would be to remain here. However, I feel some sustenance might be needed for I have a sudden hunger."  
"Of course, forgive me, I will see to it at once."  
She pulled him back to the bed as he made to leave.   
"I will forgive you, if you will kiss me. And I want us to greet every morning with a kiss. Is that a foolish notion and only found in romance novels? Would that be too much of an imposition Sidney?"  
"I agree to it as long as we finish every night with the same."  
It was much later before Sidney remembered to send for breakfast. 

They had planned to leave for London that afternoon and then to travel to France for a week. Lady Susan hadn't been able to attend their swiftly arranged wedding but she had arranged for their transport and residency in a friend's villa near Le Havre. Charlotte was excited to go and when she was assured that sea bathing would be an option she was even more determined to experience her first adventure overseas.   
Sidney now waited for his wife to take her final leave from her parents. The Heywood family would be back in Willingden when they returned but they had assured them they would visit her extended family and neighbours, who missed the wedding, as soon as they could. He watched the goodbyes and knew what it felt like to have to part from Charlotte. It was not an experience he ever wished to repeat. And thankfully he wouldn't ever have to again. That thought made him smile. At last they were seated in Lady Susan's carriage and leaving Sanditon to head for London.   
"I hope you are as excited as I am Sidney for this trip. I know you have travelled further and to more exotic places but I'm glad you've never visited this particular place before. Experiencing this together will make it all the more special."  
She had already linked into his arm when she first entered the carriage and was settling in with her head upon his shoulder.   
"Everything I do with you seems like a new experience Charlotte. It is you who makes everything better and more beautiful."  
He couldn't help leaning down for another kiss which was warmly returned.   
"You are becoming very romantic Sidney. Has that always been the way and I failed to see it? Or have you been reading some romances, practising the piano and taking up embroidery?"  
"Will you ever let me forget those unforgivable words Charlotte? I am much improved, under your tutelage, my dear wife. If I'm more romantic it is only because you inspire me. No words can truly express my happiness. I hope you won't be disappointed in me when I fail to meet some expectation. Please promise you will let me know if I have done something wrong, then I will try my best to rectify it."  
He tilted her face to look deep into her eyes. He hoped she understood the importance of what he was asking. He knew he was far from perfect and there would naturally be some tough times ahead.   
"Sidney Parker, you are my husband and my expectation is that you will love me as best as you can. Just as much as I love you, just as you are. You, sir, also know me well enough to know I will certainly inform you of any wrongdoings. With that in mind, husband, I have an expectation to be ravished before we reach London."  
"As you wish my dear"  
He couldn't help thinking much later that his wife was not the fresh and innocent maid he had first taken her for. And for that he gave thanks for their future he was glimpsing was more than he could've hoped for.


	40. Chapter 40

Sidney found the cliff views on the approach to Sanditon a mixture of comforting familiarity but more recently associated with joy and contentment. The later caused mostly by his wife, Charlotte, their family and the successful schemes for the once peaceful seaside village. Of course, Sidney had invested in all the plans, he had actually come to enjoy it, and found his attitude adjusted so much from the past ten years. The upcoming ball was another highlight in Sidney's year. The first ball of every season was a tradition now for him and Charlotte and he had promised her he would not miss this years. As usual Babbington and Crowe would be there with their wives. The increased number of children between them all often made him laugh. How their lives had changed from that very first Sanditon ball.  
Sidney took a deep breath of the sea air that he had grown up with and found increased comfort in the familiar scents and sounds. He had often missed their old family homestead that he had passed further back on the road into Sanditon but now that he had taken residence in it and expanded it to suit their needs, it was their refuge from London and the increasing bustle of Sanditon. His late father and mother would've been delighted with how all the Parkers were getting on with life. Mary and Tom were as they always were, Tom plotting the next great development and Mary doing her best to temper his notions. They were embarking on a new adventure as parents of young ladies preparing for their introduction to society. It was this that had calmed Tom, by a small degree. He now fully realised the repercussions of his every decision to the future of his children.  
Arthur was the best of uncles and Diana had settled into married life with Dr Leeson in a neighbouring village.  
Sidney took another deep breath as he could see Sanditon in the distance. Almost there and he anticipated the other problem he was going to have to deal with. His once upon a time ward, the former Miss Lambe, now Mrs Charles Wright had returned from Canada and wanted a meeting with him. The purpose of the meeting remained a mystery but he was looking forward to seeing her after five years apart. Her ever expanding brood of children would no doubt enjoy the seaside entertainments.  
He looked forward some relaxing time with family and friends, along with some sea bathing to sort him out. The London scene continued to evolve and he never spent more than a few days away from Charlotte, if he could help it. His life experiences, since his youthful days in society, had changed him and his attitudes to so many things. Recently he had come to accept the silliness and shallowness that surrounded him in London, but was always happy to leave it behind to return home. Hopefully he wouldn't have to return to town for several months and already his approach to Sanditon was clearing his mind.  
He thought back to those he had encountered on this most recent trip to London society.  
Lady Susan was as she always was, graceful and generous. Her promise to arrive within the week would be happy news for Charlotte. Her continued support and annual summer residence in Sanditon was one of the main reasons for its success. Her fashionable circle of friends continued to occupy the most prestigious apartments and were now fully integrated into the summer events and entertainments. Her presence also promoted the village as a suitable location for several summer finishing schools for the young daughters of the most influential families.  
This reminded Sidney of Crowe. He was a much changed man and had become so after meeting an heiress, seven years ago, who was sent to one of these establishments. It took quite a job to get the approval of her family but she was a determined lady and for whatever reason, had fallen for him as much as he had for her. Now Crowe and Ann were the proud parents of three daughters. Watching Crowe dote on his offspring gave Sidney and Babbington much amusement.  
Babbington and Ester were as happy as they were when they had first married and now with four children to care for, they were more often resident in Sanditon House as in London. Ester had inherited the house and a small amount of money after the death of Lady Denham eight years ago. The rest of her will had been to the benefit of the development of Sanditon. While it hadn't been needed it was welcomed all the same. A donkey sanctuary had been established in her name and was one of the attractions for the young children in the area. Charlotte had also been bequeathed some personal items and money from Lady Denham. It had confused him at the time but Charlotte seemed to understand the significance of the jewel encrusted brooches she had been left. When Sidney has questioned her on the seashell shaped jewellery, Charlotte would only admit to a confession she had made to Lady Denham. She went as far as admitting it was during the grand lady's period of illness when she had first arrived in Sanditon and never knew she had even been heard. He could never get anymore details from her and when it continued to cause her embarrassment he thought it best to leave it. He did however notice that when she wore one of the pieces she was especially amorous. With his encouragement she wore the pieces quite often. 

He was coming closer to the village when he spotted two ladies walking along the road towards him. On closer inspection it looked like Mary and someone he didn't take long to recognise. His dearest wife, Charlotte Parker. This part of the cliff road reminded him of his first meeting with her.  
As always he was happy to see Mary, and he was always happy to see the close friendship between them. He stopped the carriage and alighted quickly to greet them.  
"Mary, well met" he said, "new maid?"  
His wife quickly caught his teasing and blushed in reaction. She looked at him slightly surprised, as this particular comment was usually confined to the more intimate moments between them. She never let him forget his rudeness and had been surprised when he had confessed what his true first impressions of her had been and what he had really wanted to say and do.  
He knew her well enough now that could tell that her big brown eyes reflected her devotion to him. He hoped she could tell how happy he was to be home.  
"Sidney, can you ever behave around your wife? A proper greeting shouldn't be too difficult, even for you." Mary clarified.  
"Mary, if you were not present to witness it, I would gladly make a proper greeting to my wife after five days absence?" Sidney stated.  
"Sidney, you are too bold" Charlotte said. He was even comforted by her tone of voice and her gentle smile. He reached out as he always did to hold her hand and take comfort from the feel of her. He placed a small kiss upon the back of her hand as he threw Mary a glance.  
"Proper enough for you Mary?"  
Sidney couldn't even glance away from the vision of his dearest wife for more than a few seconds. She was more beautiful every time he saw her but there was something different about her today. He was most unsettled by his observation and wanted to get a private moment with Charlotte so they could catch up on all he had missed.  
He enquired after their children's health and whereabouts.  
"The children are at home with Nanny and Arthur. They are looking forward to your arrival and had been planning your favourite treats to welcome you home. Did you not stop to check on them?"  
"I have a package to deliver for Susan that cannot be delayed so I thought it best to carry out my errands before settling at home. And besides, I would've been disappointed to find you gone in any case"  
He loved how she could still blush after ten years of marriage.  
Mary and he had a brief conversation about Tom and the upcoming ball before he felt the need to move on. The package he was entrusted with was not suitable to delays and he wanted to be rid of it. Why Susan thought his children needed another dog was beyond him but it was under her strict instructions to deliver it to her house as she would present it to them when she arrived in a few days.  
"Off to Lady B's? Then let me assist you and save you the walk. It will hasten your return home if I get you there all the quicker"  
He assisted both ladies into the carriage and proceeded in the direction of Sanditon House. He wanted some private time with his wife but he knew it would likely be a while but it was going to be very interesting. He would get his chance to observe Charlotte much more closely and perhaps get her to admit to the news she was keeping from him. 

As he at last arrived at his home he was delighted to see his children playing in the garden as he had done as a child. Rose and Susan were the image of their mother and at nine years of age he could already see the ladies they would become. Even as fraternal twins, they were still very similar in appearance but were becoming increasingly different to match their two very different personalities. Rose was quiet and always found with her nose in a book, while Susan was energetic and playful. If there was a prank to be played it was usually Susan who was the mastermind. Her younger brothers of John and Sid, were often the enthusiastic practitioners of her plots. While he took the time to watch them, before they noticed his arrival, he felt his heart swell. Artie, while only four, was being included in their game in a caring way. John looked bigger than his seven years and had definitely grown since Sidney had been away. His three sons all had the look of their father and their mother confessed to spoiling them as a result. He smiled as Artie spotted him in the garden and let out a shout. He had only a moment to brace himself before he was caught under the human avalanche that his children had perfected.  
When he at last managed to get out from under them, and all the hugs and kisses had been delivered, he led the happy group into their home.  
While his wife might spoil their sons he would always have a special place in his heart for his daughters.  
He watched the delight on the faces of his eldest two as he presented them with the individually selected gifts he had got them from town. The boys were happy with food of any sort and a variety of mints were the welcome offering on this occasion.  
As he watched them all he recollected when he was first told of the news he was to be a father. He had been both ecstatic and petrified. Charlotte had reassured him that he would be as brilliant as being a father as he was a husband, brother and uncle. It had been a difficult pregnancy and he had swore there would be no more children as the labour had stretched through endless hours. He could still remember the relief when Mary had handed him his daughter only for Diana to turn and hand him another. Luckily, a chair had been close at hand to support him as the power left his legs. He could also still see the image of Charlotte as she smiled at him from the bed and the statement she had made.  
"It would seem you are so improved you deserved two daughters Sidney. I had suspected it might be twins but the chances were high when you consider the frequency of twins in my own family."  
This memory was never far from his mind and he thanked God every day for the gifts of his children and the good health of his wife through every pregnancy. The loss of a little one, in the early stages of the pregnancy, two years ago was a tough time for them but they had come through it all the stronger. Charlotte was sad but accepting of the fact and recovered more quickly than he had. He still felt a pang when he passed the graveyard. He shrugged off the sad thoughts as Artie distracted him with a story about the family dog. 

At last he had his wife to himself. They had had a wonderful dinner full of laughter and discussion to catch him up on all he had missed while he was in London. He really resented the time he spent away from his family. He had long since stopped being an outlier and had found his place in the world. It was here with his wife in his arms and their children safe in their beds.  
"So Georgiana plans to move permanently to Sanditon? Why could she not just tell me of that? Why all the secrecy?"  
"Sidney, she doesn't wish to be teased about her past opinions and behaviour. She knows you will remind her of her past. She wants to deal with you face to face and ask your forgiveness. "  
"She has no need for forgiveness, she was young and uprooted from all she knew. I would've behaved the same way in her shoes. "  
His wife turned to look directly at him. Her raised brow was enough to put him in his place.  
"See what an improved man I am, Charlotte. So caring and compassionate, not the savage you first met"  
Her kiss upon their joined hands was heart-warming and made him relax all the more. She never liked to hear him criticise himself.  
"And was James available when you called in his office for the new plans for the beach cottages?"  
"Yes, he made time for me and we even shared lunch together. They will be coming for their holidays as usual at the end of the month. His wife enquired after you and has much news to share. But please, could we not discuss Mr Stringer and all your old beaus when we are in bed together?"  
"Sidney, he was never a beau!" Her small giggle delighted him. He pulled her closer in his embrace.  
"I know, what I know, Charlotte. If you had been smarter and picked him, you would be now the toast of London, as the wife of the most popular architect in all the country. Instead of the wife of a lowly country gentleman with little property and prospects."  
"How many times to you need to be reminded? It is you that I love, I didn't pick you! I have it on good authority love is like an affliction - we don't get to pick who we love. As for you being a lowly country gentleman! I think the property we have is more than enough. You are the one who is always expanding and developing our portfolio. Your businesses are thriving and bring in more then we had hoped. We have more than we need and you could do much less and still have enough for the future of our children. "  
"Ah yes, our children. They are growing up so quickly. When I saw them on my return, the change was significant."  
"In such a short time! I don't think you could notice any such change Sidney. It is just a notion"  
"And is it just a notion that you too have grown in my absence?"  
He rose to his elbow so he could get a proper look at her. He gently cupped her cheek to signal that he wanted to know the truth. She looked into his eyes and paused before saying anything.  
"I didn't want to say anything too soon. I wanted to be sure. I am not far along"  
"You seem to be quite big for early on."  
"Thank you husband for that lovely compliment." She turned her back to him and rolled away.  
He kissed her neck and shoulder and whispered into her ear.  
"Charlotte, dearest, what I mean is that usually you are not so noticeable at an early stage. When I saw you on the cliff I noticed it straight away."  
She rolled back to look at him and he could see the worry in her eyes.  
"I have thought so as well. It reminds me of our first time. The cravings are the same also. Perhaps we have more than one baby to await."  
She bit her lip as she waited on his reaction. He fell to his back and pushed his hand through his hair.  
"Twins! Again! Lord, Charlotte we will need to discuss Mr Stringer after all. We will need to extend our home to make space for them all."  
"Are you cross Sidney? Another two won't be such a change. We will manage them easily with the older ones to help. We have a long way to go before we have the large family I am used to."  
"Charlotte, I could never be cross about having children with you. They are my reason for living, along with you. Every one of them is a gift. However, if you think that I wish for twelve children then we need to have a substantial conversation."  
"It was a substantial conversation that has me this way Sidney Parker. I believe your reminiscing of my first cricket match in Sanditon was most fruitful. Do you remember that evening?"  
"I remember every evening with you Mrs Parker. Its a wonder we don't have twenty children Charlotte."  
"Twenty, that would be a nice even number!"  
"Charlotte , enough!"  
"well then Mr Parker"  
"well then, Mrs Parker"  
As was often the case, this exchange led to the happy couple getting distracted with each other for quite a while. 

****THE END****


End file.
